


We stay brave though we've been damaged

by angi190



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Blackmail, Buckets of sadness, Drama, Eating Disorders, Emotional Manipulation, HIV/AIDS, Homelessness, I can't write summaries, I will add tags as I go, I'm here to punch yall in the faces with sadness, Josh is 19, Josh is Sad, Living on the streets, M/M, Mental Illness, Nurse!Tyler, POV Third Person, Past Abuse, Past Domestic Violence, Physical Abuse, Rape, Sad, Sexual Abuse, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Tyler appears in the second chapter, Tyler is 26, but he's pretty soft at heart, homeless!josh, point of view will change a lot, smut later on, they help each other, this is sad, tyler is a bit of an ass, tyler is also sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-06
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2018-09-07 00:17:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 25
Words: 87,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8775625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angi190/pseuds/angi190
Summary: Josh is a homeless kid who has nothing to live for.Tyler is a depressed boy who battles with his own demons.They collide.Everything changes for both of them.For better or worse.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> I was going to post this as a one-shot but it came out so long I had to split it.  
> Please let me know what you think and if you'd want me to continue writing this.  
> Because I'm an anxious little mess who needs constant reassurance that I'm not one huge failure.

The boy is standing all alone on the dusty dim street, eyes scanning the dumpster in front of him with practiced ease that no doubt came with a lot of experience.  His hands are hidden in the pockets of his thin and worn out jacket that hangs from his frame like it’s a few sizes too big for him.  He stands on his toes, eyes diving deep into the sea of trash and he keeps scanning. He’s no doubt looking for something in particular and it seems like he really needs it, considering how long he’s been standing in front of that dumpster.

Food, he’s probably looking for something to eat.  And he must be hungry because his hands are now out of his pockets and digging into the pile of trash, still standing on the tips of toes for better access. The soles of his shoes are ripped and throughoutfully unglued, too worn out to keep his feet warm in the freezing November temperatures. There’s no doubt that his entire wardrobe consists of things he found in a dumpster just like this one, discarded carelessly for rats to eat.

The boy almost climbs inside, leaning in as deep as he can to reach a plastic bag of what looks like fruits inside.  He lets out a small triumphant sound and lands back on the ground, opening the bag and carefully going through all the contents.  They mostly look rotten or half eaten but he manages to find a couple of good apples and an orange and wraps them up in a small napkin taken out of his pocket. Probably leaving them for later.  The rest of the fruits are carefully folded inside the bag and taken with him.

The boy is obviously done sorting through the dumpster and moves a little to the right where a cardboard box is resting against the nearest building wall, creating something like a small shelter. There are cloths thrown at the bottom of the box that must be serving as a bed, not very warm one by the look of it. He slowly climbs inside, careful not to put too much pressure on the cardboard walls of his made up home and rummages through his stuff. It’s a tight fit, just big enough for the boy to get inside so he leaves his feet out while looking for whatever it is he’s trying to find.

The “it” turns out to be a small paper bag containing bread and something else that’s wrapped up in foil. He smiles to himself and pockets the paper bag, then climbs out of the box and stands up.  His nose is rosy red from the cold and his cheeks are painted the same color as well. He shifts from one foot to another and rubs his hands together, trying to warm himself up against the chilly wind.

Despite his worn out and tired look the boy’s eyes are surprisingly bright and clear,  a stark contrast with his sunken face and hunger-hallowed cheeks.  It’s a rare occurrence, to witness life where hopelessness and desperation of living on the streets have left their traces and made the person rough at the edges and tough at heart. But not this boy.

This boy takes the food he has been carefully gathering over the past God knows how many days , grabs the blanket from his made up shelter along with a coat and walks slowly down the empty street. His brown curls bounce with every step, wind ruffling his matted unruly hair as if it’s trying to persuade him to go back to his cardboard home and stay there until it’s warm enough to go back out.  But he keeps walking, taking a few turns until he’s near another dumpster. On the other side of it there’s a similar shelter built out of cardboard and plastic, but slightly smaller, slightly more ruined.

The boy ducks down and whispers something a couple of times, calling for whoever was sleeping in there. The someone doesn’t come out until the boy taps carefully at the ceiling of it , waking its resident from his afternoon nap. The old man that climbs out of there has one leg missing from knee down and he drags himself out with great difficulty, helped along by the boy.

They talk for a bit and then the boy flashes a smile that brightens up everything around him, reaching all the way up to heaven where the angel that has been observing him is blinded by its brightness. The boy carries the smile of a child, open and honest that confuses the angel so much it makes him want to come down to Earth and make the boy smile again just to make sure it’s possible. 

The boy reaches inside his worn out jacket and pulls out the small package of food he’s been collecting, looking a little bit sadder now while pushing it into the older man’s arms.

“ You should eat, Doc, you’ve lost some weight “ the boy says and nods at the plastic bag, now in the older man’s hands. “ I’ve been savin’ some stuff just for ya “ the old man tears up and hugs the bag close to his chest, giving the boy a grateful look full of sadness.

“ I … I’ll probably be away for a while, Doc. “ the boy says apologetically  “ But don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine “ He gives Doc both the coat and the blanket he’s taken along with him and shakes his head when the old man protests.

“ No, you’ll need them more than I do “ the boy says, smiling sadly when the old man wraps the blanket around his bony shoulders  “ I’m sorry I couldn’t get you any money for your medicine “ the smile is gone, replaced by pained expression of guilt and tears in his deep brown eyes “ I was gathering some plastic bottles to return , but they wouldn’t take ‘em so all I have is this “ he rummages in his left jacket pocket and takes out a few coins, carefully spilling them into the older man’s palm

“ I wish I could repay you” the man says and the boy smiles again, lighting up the entire street like a sun that has just risen from underneath the line of horizon.

“ You don’t have to. Just take care of yourself alright?  There are apples and some cheese with bread inside “ the boy gestures towards the bag “ I won’t need this wherever I’m going so you should eat it instead “

The old man hugs him, a small human gesture in their inhuman world that makes the boy tear up a little.  With one final kiss to the boy’s forehead he stands up from the freezing ground and walks down towards the busy highway.

Maybe if he just left without showing kindness, without bringing light where it didn’t belong and couldn’t possibly survive, maybe then the heaven would just let him leave.  Maybe then it wouldn’t make any difference if the boy saw another day or not. Maybe he would leave quietly and disappear from the face of earth, having no one to miss or mourn him. Just another homeless kid dying on the street.  

But his heart is big and wide open and the heaven knows that this kind of kindness is rare these days. It can’t be wasted. They can wait. _They can wait._

|-/

The highway’s thunderous noise drowns every single thought in Josh’s head as he approaches it on wobbly legs that barely support his weight. He hasn’t eaten anything in the past few days, gathering the scrapes he found for the Doc who’s been pretty sick lately and needed all the food he could get. It’s a good thing, that his stomach is empty because if he had eaten it would all come back out at this very moment , as gut wrenching fear makes his hair stand. It’s too late to turn back and give up on his plan, having left the little amount things he owns back on the street where someone has probably trashes them already. He has no money and no food, no blanket after he gave it to Doc and absolutely no reason to stay.

To Josh it’s a win-win situation. If he died from impact he wouldn’t have to live in misery anymore, wouldn’t be hungry and cold anymore which was everything he wanted for a long time. If he survived the crash though, he’d end up in the hospital which meant a warm bed and food for a little while which was also good. All he had to do was walk out in front of a car and let God decide what happened to him next.

His knees hit the containment and Josh looks up at the cars speeding in front of him, his slim figure hidden in the shadow of the dusk that has fallen over the city. All he has to do is take two steps. Two steps and he’s free. Two steps and he’s gone.  It just took a little effort to get there, a little courage to flex the muscles on his legs and take those two steps.

One.

Josh can feel the wind swirling around him, produced by the speeding cars he’s separated from by a few inches. He’s tired and hurt and just wants to feel something other than fear and helplessness for once. He’s in control. He can do this.

Two.

There’s a sound of wheels screeching against asphalt, followed by explosion of loud banging sounds and a moment of pure terror. His skin burns and his bones break, reminding Josh of the last time he broke his own foot just to end up in the hospital because the streets got too cold that winter. This time though he probably wouldn’t survive it. That doesn’t matter. It isn’t difficult leave. So Josh lets go.


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A glimpse into Tyler's life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick chapter to introduce you to Tyler's character. Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts and tendencies.

Tyler is so focused on trying to not throw up he doesn’t hear Dallon walk into the room and sit down next to him on the couch. His head is spinning again and the headache isn’t getting any better as his morning goes by. His shift has started a good 4 hours ago but to him it feels like he’s been working for a week straight. He’s exhausted. It’s barely 6 am.

“ Yo Tyler “ Dallon says and scares Tyler who jumps in his seat and takes his head out of his hands where it’s been resting for the past 20 minutes.  “ You alright man ? Do you need to go lie down or something ? “ Dallon says creasing his brows and looking worried.

“ No, I haven’t slept much and now I feel like crap” Tyler says and puts his head back in his hands where they’re propped on his knees “ I’ve got this migraine that  wouldn’t let me sleep “  he mumbles and closes his eyes. It’s more than just a migraine. There’s an entire chorus of voices in his head that never shut up. It’s never quiet, never peaceful. Tyler feels like a prisoner in his own head.

But he’d never admit that of course, not to Dallon anyway, so he uses the headache as an excuse. Dallon nods understandingly and pats Tyler on the back.

“ You shouldn’t have taken the morning shift , Ty . I could’ve covered for you “ he says but Tyler shakes his head

“ You’ve already taken too many of my shifts, I need to start getting my shit together “ he feels exhausted and unmotivated, the thought of the long 8 hours ahead making his head hurt even worse.

“ Well if you need rest let me know, k ? “ Dallon removes his hand from Tyler’s back and rubs his own face “ I’ve drank like 5 cups of coffee this morning and I wouldn’t be able to sleep even If I wanted to “ Tyler was about to say that drinking coffee like it’s water isn’t going to keep him stay awake if he hasn’t slept more than 6 hours in the past two days, but the door swings open and his thoughts are being cut short.

“ Weeks, Joseph,  I need you in emergency room 4. We’ve got a hit and run victim “ the doctor calls them and they both jump from their seats and follow him, Tyler’s heart hammering deep in his chest so hard it rattles his ribs. Hit and run victims are one of the worst, with many broken bones and torn inner organs that makes their death rate pretty high. Especially with kids. Tyler hopes this time it’s not a kid.

Thankfully it’s not, at least not exactly. The young man that lies on the operating table couldn’t be older than early twenties or late in his teens. Things don’t look good for him, considering the amount of blood that covers his upper body and the paleness of his skin.  

Doctors rush around him, cutting off his clothes away and putting him on ventilation. Tyler notices how much his ribs are showing underneath his pale skin when he moves closer to help with getting him ready for surgery which he clearly needs.

Someone sends him to get more blood banks for the boy who has lost loads of it while being transported from the scene. Rushing to get to the storage room he almost runs down the corridor and passes by the paramedics who brought the victim in.

“ Yeah this guy who was driving behind said the kid literally just walked out on the road out of nowhere “ one of them says while sipping coffee from a plastic cup “ Fucking suicide,  man “ his partner shakes his head, but agrees.

“ Yeah I mean who walks around the freaking highway ? He’s either crazy or just wanted to kill himself “ Tyler has no idea why, but this conversation affects him so deeply he’s suddenly lightheaded and deezy. Maybe it’s because he, himself has thought about walking in front of a car more than once, or daydreamed about jumping down the 8th floor of the hospital he works at. They talk about it like it doesn’t matter, like it’s something mundane and unordinary, like it wouldn’t matter if the boy tried to kill himself or not. Nobody would care about Tyler either , he thinks with his heart shrinking to the size of a snowflake, nobody would spend sleepless nights asking themselves why he tried to end his own life. They’d probably just peel him off the asphalt and wash his blood away leaving no trace of his pathetic waste of a life.

“ Joseph where the hell is the blood bank ?? “ Came the doctor’s voice , bringing him back to reality. Right, this wasn’t about him.  Tyler takes deep breath and rushes inside the storage room for the supplies, trying to chase away the gutting feeling that has settled in his stomach. This boy looked so pale and so thin it pains Tyler for some reason.  _Be professional, Tyler, stop making this personal Goddamn it_  he scolds himself and goes back to the emergency room as fast as he can

It takes about 30 minutes to stabilize the young man in order to get him up to the operating room for life saving surgery. Thankfully he has no brain trauma, but his pelvis is broken badly and there’s blood in his lungs. Tyler has seen worse, but he feels bad for the boy anyway, because he’d have to spend many months recovering and it wouldn’t be pleasant either.

It still bothers him why did the kid walk out in front of the speeding cars when he goes home that evening and makes himself coffee.  He knows he won’t be able to sleep, not after having such a turbulent day full of conflicting and negative emotions.

Treating suicide attempt victims is always tough for Tyler who sees himself in those pale and dead looking faces, wondering if he would survive the fall from 10 story building or the blood loss from slitting both his wrists. He wants to try, wants to see if the voices in his head would shut up if he kills himself. God he wants them to shut up so badly.

_How much did you eat today huh ? Are you a fucking pig or something? Why do you have to stuff yourself all the time Tyler, it’s disgusting._

The need to puke is so strong he stumbles down the corridor and into the bathroom almost without thinking. He knows that he’s going to throw up his lunch sooner or later whether he wants it or not. It doesn’t matter what he wants. They never ask him.

_You know why you’re lonely Tyler ? Cause you can’t even fucking take care of yourself, let alone someone else. You can’t even eat without throwing your guts up, Tyler, you can’t even do that._

_You’re right,_ Tyler thinks as he leans over the toilet lid and feels the bile in his stomach creep up to his throat, burning it.

_Throw it all up like a good boy, Tyler. Throw it up, then drink water until you throw up again. Clean your filthy body inside, make it nice and squeaky clean, just like it’s supposed to be._

It’s a routine by now , really. He drinks water until he can’t take any more and throws it back up into the toilet. He flushes it and sits there, slumped over the seat with tears running down his face. He wants to drown himself so badly it’s almost unbearable . He wants to stop feeling so damn weak for once.

It’s almost 2 am when he finally gets out of the bathroom and drags himself to his unmade bed, falling into it like an old pile of bones. His alarm will ring in two hours, waking him up for another day of not wanting to wake up at all.

Before he falls asleep his brain brings him back to the curly haired boy back at the hospital, wondering how he’s doing and whether he’d make it through the night. For some reason he _cares_ whether he’s going to be alive or not when Tyler goes to work in the morning and that scares him. He finally falls asleep to the sound of rain hitting his window and voices telling him he shouldn’t even bother to wake up because nobody will miss him anyway.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should I keep writing ? Do you want to read more ? Let me know in the comments. 
> 
> My tumblr is [here](http://i-m-a-goner-takeitslow.tumblr.com/) I take prompts and ideas so hit me up if you have any :)


	3. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick update because i wrote a too long chapter and had to split it woops :))

The first thing Josh feels when he comes to it is panic.  Someone is touching his neck and  Josh tries to flinch away from the unwanted touch, but his body feels heavy and slow, muscles not responding to his commands. The monitor next to his head is beeping louder now, reflecting the frantic beating of his heart. Why is some stranger touching him ? Where is he ? Why did his body feel like it just came out of a meat grinder ?

Suddenly his head fills with images of headlights in the darkness and screeching of tires makes his head hurt.  He remembers the raw fear he felt before his mind went blank, remembers the loud thrumming of the speeding cars, remembers feeling abandoned and scared. He remembers now, puts pieces back together and remembers why he’s barely conscious.

So he must’ve survived the hit. Josh doesn’t know whether to feel remorseful or happy about that. He didn’t particularly want to die, it wasn’t his intention, but he isn’t feeling exactly excited about the prospect of living either. Is this suicide attempt ? It will probably pass for one. They will probably think he tried to kill himself, when he simply didn’t mind dying and didn’t mind surviving either.

The hands has disappeared from his neck and Josh opens his eyes to finally see the person who has been touching him hovering near his bed and writing something down in his chart. Or at least Josh thinks so.

The man is dressed in all green, probably a doctor or maybe a nurse. His eyes are unfocused and hurt a little from the brightness of the lights in the room. He can’t see the man clearly , but he doesn’t look threatening. Josh relaxes a little.

“ Oh hello there “ the man’s voice is pleasant and warm sounding when he speaks up “ I’m glad to see you’re awake.  My name is Brendon and I’m assigned to you, to make sure you’re comfortable. How do you feel ? “ Josh swallows a couple of times not sure he can speak. He tries though

“ Thirsty “ he croaks out, surprised he actually managed to form a word. His throat is dry and feels sore and uncomfortable. His body feels disconnected and he kind of can’t feel it, it’s all numb and feels far away.

“ I’ll get you some water then “ the man, Brandon smiles and walks out of his room. Josh stays unmoving in his bed, afraid to try and move his limbs. He remembers feeling this way last time he ended up in the hospital and it was due to the strong painkillers he was on. Last time he had a broken leg. There’s probably something broken because the numbness in his body means a lot of painkillers.

Brendon comes back in a couple of minutes, carrying a bottle of water and a glass in his hands. He sets the bottle on the table near Josh’s bed and fills the glass.

“Let’s lift you up a little bit. Don’t be scared okay ? “ he says as the bed starts vibrating and lifting Josh’s upper body in a more upright position. He’s still scared, despite the warning, but tries to hide it by coughing a few times.

“There we go “ Brendon says and lifts the glass “ Is this okay ? Do you feel fine ?  “ he asks and waits for Josh to say “ Yes”  then smiles and gives Josh the glass.

“Thank you “ Josh croaks out and gulps the water as soon as the end of the glass touches his lips. It tastes amazing, unlike most of the times when he has to drink water from “alternative” sources, out on the street.  He wants more, but feels too shy to ask for it so he awkwardly grips the glass in his hands and looks at the half full bottle.

“ Do you want more water ? “ Brendon reads his mind and reaches for the bottle, already knowing the answer.

“ Yeah if that’s okay “ Josh answers quietly and feels like he’s already getting more than he deserves. He’s in a _bed ,_ which _i_ s _soft_ and _dry_ and _warm._  It’s already a lot more than he could ask for.

“ Of course it’s okay . Here “  Brendon smiles a warm and welcoming smile at him and pours him another glass full of water. Josh drinks that too, feeling his sore throat get a little less dry and painful.

“Thanks “ he mutters and smiles back, grateful to have someone like Brendon to take care of him. It’s been years since anyone has taken care of him and he has forgotten how good and safe that felt. His stomach rumbles loudly, giving away how painfully hungry he is and reminding Josh himself of his impending hunger. It’s been days since he had a meal, collecting everything he could for his ill friend Doc who needed food more than him. He’d lasted two weeks once, without a bite of food so a few more days wouldn’t matter to him much.

“ It sounds like you’re hungry. Have you eaten recently ? You look pretty underweight and your blood results didn’t come back very good “ Brendon sits down next to him and looks at him expectantly, but not taunting.  Josh contemplates an answer, but nothing comes out after a solid  minute or two contemplating.

“ Okay, I’ll take that as a no “ Brandon says with a sigh. “ I’ll bring Tyler here, he’s your nurse and the person who will make sure you’re fed and you’ve got everything you need. Okay ? “ Josh nods, confused of why he needs so many people caring for him. He’s grateful enough to be allowed to sleep in their bed, considering how filthy he is. Suddenly aware of that fact Josh shrinks on himself, wondering if he’s reeking.

“Hey now, no need to worry. Tyler is one of the nicest lads in this hospital, you’ll like him “  Brendon must’ve misread his reaction, seeing it as  fear of the “Tyler” he was about to meet. So far Josh has no reason to be scared of the people who work here. He hopes that Tyler is as sweet as Brendon.

“Have some rest now, okay ? I’ll go fetch Tyler so he can prepare you a meal and help you bathe “  the last part of the sentence made Josh freeze and choke on his own spit. Help him bathe ? As in washing him ? Naked ? 

Thankfully Brendon left the room soon after, not commenting on how red Josh’s face must’ve become. He felt uncomfortable at the thought of being seen naked by someone else , having to explain why he’s so thin and where did all of his scars and bruises come from. It’s a topic he’d rather avoid.

Plus he’s really dirty. It’s something he hasn’t gotten used to, even after so many years living on the streets. It’s not that he’s bothered by his own body odor,  but the thought of people avoiding him because he smells bad always  makes him feel embarrassed and ashamed of himself. How is he supposed to survive the shame of being washed from all of that filth by somebody else ? Josh hopes that Tyler has done this before and won’t be too appalled by his awful state.

 

|-/

 

When Brendon barges inside the room where Tyler is taking a peaceful nap he’s almost 100% certain he’ll snap somebody’s neck.  Why is the guy always so loud ?

“Bren what the hell man? “he mutters when the other man shakes Tyler awake with a gentle hand

“ Sorry to wake you, but I’ve got something for you “ he sits down on the bed next to Tyler when he removes his feet off of it with a thud. “ Remember the hit and run victim yesterday ? The homeless kid ? “  Brendon says and Tyler suddenly feels too awake too soon.

“Homeless ?”  he asks, unsure he heard right

“ Yeah we found no wallet on him and no ID. The paramedics who brought him in said they’d seen him on the streets, sleeping in a cardboard box. They’ve treated him a couple of times and remembered him “ Brendon says with a twinge of sympathy in his voice. Winter was coming and the prospect of spending it outside sounds absolutely terrifying to Tyler.

“ You want me to go check on him “ he asks, feeling weirdly uncomfortable at the idea of the curly haired young man being so abandoned he ended up living on the street.

“ I want you to make sure he’s doing okay. I can tell he hasn’t been eating recently so find him something nice to eat. Give him a bath, but be careful of his broken pelvis. He shouldn’t move too much “ Brendon warns him and stands up. “ Just make him feel comfortable.. there’s something about this kid that makes me think he’s been through a lot. “ that makes Tyler think too, mainly about the reason why Brendon came to _him_ specifically to take care of the boy.

“Yeah, sure, okay. I’m not the most sociable guy you can find so don’t expect us to become best friends or something “ Tyler warns him, feeling defensive all of a sudden.

“You’re just fine, Ty. See you later” Brendon exists the room , leaving Tyler slightly anxious and slightly excited.

 

|-/

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is SO WELCOME... I don't know if this story is going too slow but I never rush things when I write so yeah :) let me know if you want me to post more of this story, I still feel a bit self conscious putting out my writing


	4. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler and Josh finally meet. It doesn't go exactly smooth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter to introduce you guys to the story. I know it kind of drags slowly , but I can't write short chapters and I suck

Tyler is an asshole. He knows it and everybody who works with him or lives around him knows it. He’s not a nice guy and never has been, never tried to be. His sense of humor is dark and most of the times not appropriate and his sarcasm is never appropriate, and yet, he’s always sarcastic.  Tyler knows it.  He hates when people feel bad for him, when they pity him for the things that happened to him in the past . He absolutely can’t fucking stand it. This is why he never pities people himself, because when you’re in a shitty situation  this is the last thing you need and Tyler knows that too damn well.

He’s walking down the hall to the new kid’s room, keeping all of that in mind, knowing that people will pity him for being homeless and for wanting to kill himself, but Tyler won’t do that.  Pity is for the weak. If the boy can survive living on the streets, he can’t be weak and doesn’t need pity. Surviving in harsh conditions requires you to toughen up and harden against life’s blows. Tyler also knows that out of experience and he’s well aware that pity doesn’t get you anywhere.

When Tyler gets to the boy’s room he takes a minute to read through his medical chart before entering, just to know what to expect. It doesn’t look good.

 _Stable pelvic fracture with torn peripheral blood vessels. Internal bleeding in abdominal area. 5 bruised, 2 cracked and one broken rib. Multiple skin lacerations. Brain concussion that might lead to temporary hearing or vision loss. Severely dehydrated and malnourished. Scans showed multiple older fractures that might require further examination.  Scans also showed dislocated shoulder that has not resulted from the accident._ … “   And it went on.

Tyler stays at his spot just outside the room and reads through the report quietly, trying to figure out how to approach the boy. There aren’t many details about his age or name and etc which is no surprise since he came in with no ID.  Tyler has treated homeless people before so this should be no different, except they usually come a lot older than this guy and they rarely survive a suicide attempt to talk about it later. Sighing and mentally cursing Brendon for dumping this on him, Tyler walks inside the room , being greeted by a pair of deep brown eyes that dart around quickly than glance back down, maintaining eye contact only for a fleeting second.

“ Hello “ Tyler greets the boy who looks up again and blinks with huge doe eyes at him and his voice breaks at the end of the word

“ Hi “ the boy says with a surprisingly deep voice that rumbles slightly in his chest.

“ My name is Tyler “ Tyler feels weirdly uneasy and sweats under the boy’s gaze. What the hell is wrong with him ? “ Um .. I’m your nurse and … “ he flips through the medical chart in his sweaty hands just to distract himself from the boy’s gaze that looks so innocent it makes Tyler angry “ .. I will asks you a couple of questions it that’s okay “ his voice sounds strained and slightly raspy, but the boy is nodding while his hands nervously play with the blanket that’s draped over his lap.

“ Okay .. what’s your name ? “ Tyler starts with the basics and stares at the paper in front of him, avoiding the boy’s eyes. It unnerves him how normal he looks, how much he reminds Tyler of himself when he was younger.

“ Josh “ Tyler wants to slap himself in the face because this is not how you answer this kind of question,

“ Your full name ? “ Tyler asks , not even trying to keep the annoyance out of his voice.

“ Oh “ the boy, Josh, blushes and grips the blanket even tighter between his fingers. “ Joshua William Dun “ he reports with wavering voice.

“ Okay, Joshua. How old are you ? “ Tyler keeps asking question with the same mechanical voice that lacks any emotions. Well except annoyance.

It takes Joshua to a couple of seconds to answer this question, making Tyler doubt that the boy even knows his own age.

“ 19 “ he says and now his voice sounds pained.

“ Alright “ Tyler says while writing down the answers “ So do you know why you’re here Joshua ? What’s the last thing you remember? “ 

“ I … I’m here cause I was hit by a car “ Joshua stammers and Tyler can see him sweat out of the corner of his eye. “ I remember bright headlights and the sound of collision and … then I woke up here” he reports , obviously struggling to talk. He’s probably in pain and Tyler is a complete asshole.

“ What were you doing on the highway in the middle of the night, Joshua ? “ Tyler asks and maybe it’s unprofessional but he can’t stop himself

“Walking “ is the answer Joshua gives him that makes Tyler even more angry and annoyed. Walking ? Seriously ?

“ You were just walking around in the middle of a busy highway at night ? “ he looks up and the boy immediately looks away, slight red blush creeping on his cheeks. His left side looks badly scraped and the skin there is stripped off, probably the side where he fell on the asphalt and was dragged by the car.

“ No .. I mean yes. I went out there on purpose, I wasn’t just walking around. “

“So .. what , you wanted to kill yourself then ? “ Tyler surprises himself with the question , feeling ashamed of how unprofessional and insensitive he’s acting.

“ No. Not really “ Josh answers and shifts in his bed, groaning just barely from the pain that the movement brings. “ I wasn’t intending on killing myself. It wouldn’t really make much difference, but .. I guess ending up in the hospital was the better option.  It’s warm here and there’s food and …. “ Josh  stops talking to stifle another groan and his face scrunches up for a bit, making Tyler look away and cast his eyes down to the chart in his hands.

“ So you walked in front of the car to end up in the hospital where you’d get fed ? “  Tyler asks, because this statement sounds absolutely crazy. The guy had broken pelvis and cracked ribs, but he was glad he’s going to get food and warmth. Where was his self-preservation instinct ?

“ When the winter comes I’d rather be anywhere else than the street. I’m sorry if I … If I’m bothering you, I don’t really need much anyway, I can eat once a day, that’s perfectly enough for me “ Joshua says, his nervousness now turning into panic and Tyler feels like the biggest asshole in the entire world.  Why does he have to be unnecessarily mean to someone who obviously needs help, not his sarcasm and bad mood ? And where was Brendon’s head when he assigned Tyler to this boy who was obviously very different than any patient Tyler has ever treated. He’s obviously not the usual homeless guy who  get bought drugged or drunk. Josh is not tough or hard or whatever. He’s just a kid. A scared and vulnerable one.  Tyler sighs.

“ Relax okay ? You’re not bothering anyone, I’m just asking you questions , I’m not accusing you or anything “ he says and leaves the chart down to properly look Joshua over. “ You do seem pretty underweight. When was the last time you had a meal ? “

“ On Monday I think ? “ Joshua says after a brief thought . His face looks sunken in and his collar bone is sticking out from underneath the hospital gown.

“ It’s Friday “ Tyler says , dumbstruck. “ Okay, I’m getting you something to eat. Do you like pizza ? “  at that Josh looks up so quickly it almost snaps his neck.

“ Pizza ? Like .. a real pizza ? “ it’s such a dumb question it’s endearing and makes Tyler break into a smile

“ Yeah, I mean real pizza, Joshua “ he says, but his voice has lost the note of annoyance and the biting edge. Josh looks at him, hunger sparking in his eyes and gratefulness filling his warm gaze.

“ I haven’t eaten pizza since I was a kid “ he admits, smiling shyly. His smile is kind and makes Tyler want to both smile back and throw up.  Or kick something really hard.

“ Okay “ Tyler says, but it’s not okay for someone to get so excited about fucking pizza.  He takes a paper and pen from the pile of papers in his lap and hands them to Joshua.  “ Sign these while I order some pizza. Then I’ll help you wash “ he reports and is about to stand up, but the boy interrupts him.

“ Um .. Tyler  ? “ he says with unsure voice “ I  can’t … “ he holds the paper in one hand and the pen in the other ..” um .. I can’t read “ Joshua admits and blushes so hard his face is bright red and he can’t meet Tyler’s eyes again.

“ Oh “ Tyler now feels even worse for some reason. The boy must’ve grown up on the streets then. His stomach turns at that thought.  “ Okay, I’ll read the questions for you then. It’s just some basic information we’ll need for your record “

“ Okay “ Joshua says and adds a quiet “Sorry” that makes Tyler stand up from his seat and stomp out of the room.

What the hell is wrong with him ?  Since when is he getting flustered by patients ? Why does he even care if the guy can read or not ? Fuck, Tyler thinks and starts pacing outside of the door, his palms sweating _. Just buy him some food and give him a bath, Tyler  it’s not that hard. It’s your job so get a grip_ a voice chants in his head and makes him shake it  from side to side. He has to admit that he feels bad for the boy. Tyler remembers being 19 himself which makes him feel sick. He doesn’t want to remember that. He doesn’t want to remember anything about his teen years or about his past relationships, especially not about _Simon._

 _No, don’t think about Simon, don’t think don’t think don’t think._  “Fuck” Tyler says out loud and takes his phone out of his pocket to order some pizza. His own stomach churns loudly , reminding him that he hasn’t eaten since his last shift either. _Simon didn’t like it when you ate pizza. “_ No, no, don’t think about Simon for fucks sake” Tyler shakes his head violently and makes the call to avoid thinking about it any further. 

When the food is ordered and Tyler has gathered the needed tools for a “bed bath” he goes back to Joshua’s room to find him lying on his less bruised side , hugging his blanket like it’s something extremely precious. When he hears Tyler enter he sits up and winces, hugging his middle. Bruised ribs can hurt a lot. Tyler knows that too, but he doesn’t want to think about that.

“ How are you doing? “ he asks Joshua who looks at him with looks that pretty much explains how he feels. He looks pale and in pain.

“ Okay, thank you “  the boy says and Tyler doesn’t believe him for a second.

“Your ribs are partly cracked, partly bruised. You have one broken rib as well “ Tyler informs him and sees Joshua wince at that. “ Your pelvic bone is also fractured, but it could be worse considering how badly you got hit. You’re pretty lucky you’re still in one piece “ Tyler tries to sound positive, but it’s pretty difficult considering the boy’s situation. He’s homeless , which means no money for medications , which means _a lot_ of pain for months.

They go through the questions and answers for Joshua’s record and Tyler finds out that the kid doesn’t have any relatives and no home address. He’s  completely and utterly alone. No insurance, no work, no education, no ID, absolutely nothing. It’s like Joshua didn’t even exist. Well on paper he doesn’t. If he died yesterday there would be nobody to bury him, no relatives or friends to mourn his loss, no family to keep his pictures. Hell the kid probably didn’t have any taken in his entire life.

This conversation leaves Tyler feeling conflicted and confused;  a part of him , the one that doesn’t want to feel pity telling him to stay professional and not show emotions , but another part of him feels so raw and sad it makes him want to wrap the boy in a warm hug.

He doesn’t hug Joshua though, he tells him that the next procedure could get a little uncomfortable, because bathing is not very gentle on torn skin and broken bones, but it has to be done to avoid infection and etc. Joshua blushes once again, turning bright crimson, but nods and involuntarily gathers the blanket closer to his body, as if to protect himself.

Tyler suddenly wants to protect him and that scares the living hell out of him. So he flees once again , scared that he’ll do something stupid like tell the kid hes going to be okay when obviously he isn’t

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said I suck.
> 
> This will get slightly more angsty but there will be fluff :))
> 
> Ubeta'd cause like a said - i suck


	5. 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I updated recently but I wrote another chapter while my head was hurting last night and I could't fall asleep. Medicine wouldn't help so I resorted to writing.

Tyler doesn’t usually blush when he sees his patients naked, because first of all – this is his job and if he blushed every time he saw someone without their clothes on he’d be a walking tomato by now, and secondly because his patients are rarely young, male and attractive. He has no clue what exactly he sees in the curled up boy in front of him, with his honey brown eyes and bitten raw lips, but it bothers him that he does see _something_ among the desperation and hopefulness and innocence.

Joshua is sitting upright, shivering slightly because Tyler asked him to take his hospital gown off and covered him with a thin sheet that hardly gives any warmth.  Tyler asked him before proceeding with the bathing what he’d rather do first – eat or get washed and the boy looked so scared at the prospect of being cleaned he chose it fist, so he won’t get sick if he ate before that.

While Tyler is trying to figure out what makes him feel strange when he’s around the curly haired homeless boy he prepares the tools for the bath and sees Joshua biting his nails from the corner of his eye. He makes a mental note to cut those too, because they look like they’ve never been clipped off. Which is probably true, since the kid has bigger problems than his unclipped dirty nails.  So big that he chose to walk in front of a speeding car in the middle of the night, rather than face those problems.

Chasing those thoughts away Tyler puts on his mask of absolute disinterest and turns towards Joshua who stops biting his nails and stares wide-eyed at Tyler as if the latter is intending on murdering him, rather than giving him a bath.  The shame and fear in his eyes is evident and it makes Tyler feel like an ass for the 100th time since he came into Joshua’s room. As a nurse he’s supposed to make his patients feel comfortable and safe, not scared and humiliated.

“ Okay, I know this is going to feel a little bit weird and uncomfortable, but just so you know I see naked people every day so It’s no big deal for me “ he reports and Joshua is blushing again. This isn’t the best way to comfort someone who’s nervous , but Tyler is so out of his comfort zone he’s surprised he hasn’t given up on his mission just yet.  “ If I make you feel uncomfortable just let me know okay ? This bath will help you feel better so it’s for your own good “ Joshua nods and grips the thin sheet that covers him with white painted knuckles. “ If it hurts just tell me and I’ll take it easier. Just make sure you don’t move around too much , because your pelvis is fractured and moving it might worsen the damage “ Tyler keeps talking,  trying to look Joshua in the eyes and will his voice not to waver.  “ Okay ? “ he prompts when the other boy doesn’t give him and answer and receives a quiet “okay” that once again rumbles softy in Joshua’s chest, the sound strangely soothing and soft. 

“ Okay” he mirrors back and grabs the basins full of warm water, the towels and a sponge and moves them on Joshua’s bed. _Here comes the fun part_ Tyler tells himself sarcastically and lowers one of the soft towels down into the water to wet it properly.

“ Okay, so this is how it’s going to happen “ Tyler starts with an even voice “ I will lift the sheet and wet your skin with this towel “ he points to the moist towel in his hand “ starting with your face , then I’ll move slowly down until you’re all wet. You won’t be uncovered completely, so don’t worry about that, I will only lift the sheet around the part of your body that I need to clean “ Tyler tries to explain calmly, noticing how nervous Joshua is looking. “ Then, I will rub you with this sponge “ he points to the soapy and nice smelling sponge lying close to him on the bed “ and then, I will clean the soap with this towel “ he lifts the other towel that’s still dry, but will get wet pretty soon. Tyler isn’t sure how many times he’ll have to rinse Joshua to get all of the dirt off him and by the looks of it, it will take a lot of rinsing.

“ Do you have any questions ? “ Tyler says when he finished explaining the drill.

“ I … “ Joshua opens his mouth to say something, but it doesn’t come out and he closes it.  “ I’m.. I’m sorry “ he blurts out and looks so embarrassed Tyler  has to look away so the boy won’t combust on the bed or something.

“ Um …. You’re apologizing for … ?  “ Tyler asks and it doesn’t come out as evenly as he hoped it would. There’s a little annoyance there that makes Joshua get even more red if that was even possible.

“ I haven’t .. um … “ he’s stumbling over his words, frantic fingers twisting in his lap “ I haven’t showered in a while “ he manages , but the last part of the sentence comes out so quiet Tyler almost doesn’t hear it.  “ I mean .. .In a really long while.. and – um – and “ Joshua’s rambling again and Tyler can feel where this is heading. He suddenly feels very stupid , not realizing why the boy looks so embarrassed. It’s probably not so much the fear of being seen naked, rather than the state Tyler is going to see him in.  Joshua is probably expecting him to be disgusted or appalled by his dirtiness, when in reality it doesn’t really faze him. It’s Tyler’s jobs as a nurse to clean after people’s messes and it’s nothing new or embarrassing for him

“Listen .. “ Tyler starts and tries to figure out how to calm the boy a little. He doesn’t get patients who worry about what he’ll think about their hygiene very often so this takes a bit of effort “  This is my job okay ? Don’t worry about that and just relax.  Let me help you clean and I promise you’ll feel better after we’re done “ Tyler surprises himself with how “unsarcastic”  and not-mean this came out and mentally congratulates himself.

“ I would do this myself if I could, cause ya know .. “  Josh trails off and looks down at himself “ I wouldn’t want anyone to have to clean that “ he adds and doesn’t look up afterwards . “ It’s tougher during winter “  Josh adds so quietly it sounds like he says that to himself, not to Tyler.

“ Sorry ? “

“ I mean washing “ Josh says, pressing  a couple of fingers into his tangled brown hair  “ It’s easier during summer and fall , when it rains more and stuff “ Joshua keeps talking more to himself than to Tyler, keeping his head down and voice quiet.  “ When it’s winter you’re concentrating more on surviving  rather than being clean “ it sounds like he’s apologizing which steers something in Tyler’s heart. He’s a nurse for Christ’s sake, nobody has to apologize to him for things like this. It’s part of his job, a job he has willingly chosen to work and can’t blame anyone for anything.

“ Do you want me to ask someone else to do it ? “ Tyler has to ask, because he suspects that the guys is probably scared of him or something. “ I f I don’t make you feel comfortable … “

“ No, No ! “ Joshua all but screams and Tyler almost drops the wet towel he’s been holding for the past 10 minutes in surprise. “ I don’t want anyone else, I swear, please don’t be mad at me “ he rambles and shocks Tyler into silence.  “ Just do what you have to do, I’ll be quiet, I promise “ Joshua adds and lays back against the bed, probably scared that Tyler will abandon him or something. Someone must’ve abandoned him before to root this fear deep inside of that worried little head.

“ I’m not mad at you “ Tyler says, tired of trying to explain himself and keep his feelings at bay at the same time “ And if you don’t want someone else than I’ll do it, its fine for me, really “ he adds, trying to sound as convincing as possible.

“ O-okay “ Joshua sounds a little bit less panicked and relaxes further into the bed. Tyler takes that as cue and begins with the washing.

The whole process is slow and leaves Tyler feeling even more uneasy than before.  While he’s trying to stay professional and  not lurk around too much he still sees all the signs of abuse that are way too evident to not notice.  It hits a nerve inside of his chest, makes him feel like a raw wound that just wouldn’t close no matter how much time passed. He knows a bruise that a knuckle leaves when he sees one and can always recognize a broken jaw even after it has healed a little.  Anger rises in his chest when he sees the burn marks on the boy’s pale back and tries not to show it.  It angers him because he knows that the boy has been abused and knows how that feels too, despite all of his attempts to forget. He knows how those bruises hurt , especially if you sleep on the hard floor, the bumps on it digging into them.  His mind might’ve cut those memories out , but his body, oh his body remembers every hit and every bruise.

Joshua is lying stock still on the bed while Tyler runs the wet towels and soaped sponge all over his skin, flinching every once in a while when he can’t help himself. It seems like he’s not used to being touched or he’s afraid of intimate contact,  Tyler notes when his muscles tighten for the umpteenth time. He’s encountered patients like that before, it’s not uncommon for people to be uncomfortable with strangers touching them, but Tyler thinks there’s more than that.  He knows he’s one of these people who hate being touched, who hate their body and shy away from physical contact. He knows that.  But Tyler hasn’t always been like this and remembering why he is now makes his hands shake.

It’s difficult to tell fresh injuries from the accident and older ones from … wherever they came from, but Tyler knows that the boy is living a tough life even without knowing the details.  He’s far too young to end up like this, far too full of life to be living in this … nothingness. There must be something that happened, something that changed his life dramatically, but Tyler tells himself that he doesn’t want to know. It’s always better to not know.

It hurts when Tyler has to wash Joshua’s scraped and badly bruised side, the soapy water irritating his wounds and making his entire skin burn.  His hair is also a struggle to wash, the shampoo is painted dark brown when Tyler rinses it with water the first time.  It takes  another two times with shampoo and three more times with fresh water  to make it look less brown. In the end his hair smells like flowers and looks fluffy and soft, just like baby’s hair. Why is Tyler thinking about babies?

When Joshua’s face is washed with soap and warm water it makes his skin look even more pale, almost white which worries Tyler. He looks anemic and might need longer treatment to get him back in good shape. Which brings him back to the question how is the homeless boy going to pay for his stay ? And if he can’t how is he going to continue his treatment outside of hospital, out on the street where he’d be back to starving and freezing.

“ Your hands are really soft “ the quiet boy notes when Tyler runs his hands through Joshua’s hair for one last time to make sure it’s not tangled. The comment leaves something warm and soft in its wake and make Tyler smile, surprising even himself.

“Thanks. Can’t say the same about yours though “ he adds and runs a few feather light fingers over Joshua’s hand which feels rough and hard to the touch. “ I’ve got some .. where is it .. “ Tyler rummages through the stuff he brought with him, looking for the bottle of body lotion he snatched from his locker to soften his hands after he was done with the bath.  “ Aha “ he exclaims upon finding the tube, spooking Joshua slightly  who blinks with his huge honey colored eyes in confusion.

“ This is body lotion, it will help with the skin irritation and soften the rougher patches a little “ Tyler murmurs and opens the tube. He doesn’t know what made him want to apply fucking lotion on the boy’s skin, but somehow it feels right to do it. “ Can I ? he asks and Joshua stares at him for a little longer and nods.

Feeling relieved that they’re done with the bath and calmed by the smell of roses and vanilla coming from the body lotion Tyler finds himself enjoying the soft motions that his hands make while applying the cream on Joshua’s skin. The boy is quiet and still, but not as tense as he was while being washed.  He actually looks relaxed, eyes closed and breathing softly,  sighing every once in a while. It makes Tyler want to keep rubbing and massaging, enjoying the little sigs and involuntary noises the boy makes every  now and then. It’s been too long since Tyler has gotten so intimately close to anybody and it makes him feel conflicted once again. The voice that never shuts up in his head makes gagging noises and keep saying that he’s disgusting and what he’s doing is wrong. _This boy is your patient and you’re rubbing him with fucking lotion ? Really ? Is that a part of the treatment ?_  But another part of him feels starved for closeness with another human being and makes him want to keep the touch going.  It makes him want to lean a little bit more forward and hug Joshua, to wrap his arms around him and keep him there.  _You’ll just corrupt him. You corrupt everythin you touch Tyler, you’re like a poison. Everything you touch dies._  And fuck, fuck he knows that, he fucking knows that and doesn’t need the voice to keep repeating it constantly.

He’s pulled out of his thoughts by the loud rumbling of Joshua’s stomach, which is literally nonexistent from how little he’s been eating and makes Tyler stop with the massaging.

“ Um.. the pizza must be here, do you feel up to eat now ?  “he asks and Joshua opens his eyes , looking like he’s completely forgotten that there’s food waiting for him.

“ You were serious about the pizza ? “  Joshua asks and looks a little bit apprehensive, but no less hopeful.

“ Of course I was , Joshua “

“ Can you .. um.. can you call me Josh ? “ the boy asks and Tyler wanted to avoid using any short names or whatever to make himself feel a little bit more distanced, but he finds it difficult to deny him anything at the moment.

“ Yeah, okay.  Josh “ he adds and Josh smiles, shy and small and wavering.

“ Okay then, I’ll go fetch it. After you eat the doctor will come for a visitation to tell you how your eventual treatment will go  “ Tyler says eventual because there will only be treatment if Josh manages to pay somehow. If he doesn’t though he’ll be back on the streets within a week, because this is how long a patient is allowed to stay while still in treatment that requires his hospitalization.  

“ Thank you. I haven’t smelled this good since … “ Josh scrunches up his face thinking , but then smiles, giving up on remembering “ well long. Very long “ Tyler believes him and cracks another smile. When you lose everything you’re feeling grateful for the smallest things.  Like smelling good or feeling clean. Tyler haven’t felt clean in a long time even though he takes a shower every morning. The dirtiness he feels is far worse than any sweat or mud. It’s far more difficult to bear.

“ I told you you’d feel better “ Tyler answers and stands up from the bed, giving Josh a fresh hospital gown to wear while gathering all the bathing tools.

“ You’re really nice “ Josh answers and that makes Tyler bark out a laugh, because this guy is so far from the truth it’s actually funny.

“ You don’t know me “ Tyler answers and shakes his head, wondering how badly the boy has been treated to think that Tyler is being nice to him.

“ I don’t have to “ the boy simply answers and smiles. His face is clean and shaven now, making him look even younger and more innocent. His eyes are still honest and his smile is so kind it makes Tyler want to run away. He doesn’t want to be treated kindly, especially not by this homeless kid. He doesn’t need kindness. He doesn’t deserve it.

Having no clue how to answer that Tyler gathers everything in his hands and heads for the door.

“ I’m not nice, Josh. I’m not doing anything special, I’m just doing my job “ he has no clue why he feels the need to explain himself but it comes out of his mouth before he can stop himself.

" Thank you for doing your job, Tyler " Josh answers , his voice honest and and maddeningly soft. Tyler's name sounds like music coming out of Josh's mouth and Tyler suddenly feels like drowning. He needs to feed the kid and get the hell away from him before he develops any feelings. He's been doing fine by himself so far , Tyler tells himself and knows it's a lie , but he doesnt stop repeating it in his head while his lungs fight for air. Feed him. Leave. Move on. Forget. Tyler needs to forget.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm terrible at endings please forgive me.
> 
> Next chapter will be from Josh's POV.  
> Reading your comments is honestly my favorite part of the day. Knowing that you want me to keep writing means the whole freaking Universe to me, so thank you.  
> Criticism is also always welcome. I'm opened for ideas and opinions. Honestly I read so many amazing fics every day , they leave me feeling like a complete amature writer. 
> 
> P.s I'll spend tomorrow at the hospital and go back home for Christmas. Thanks to everyone who asks me about my health :)))


	6. 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where there is light, a shadow appears.  
> The cause and effect when life interferes.  
> The same rule applies to goodness and grief;  
> For in our great sorrow, we learn what joy means.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please forgive the slow pace. I wish I could write with less detail, but it appears I can't. I hope I'm not boring you.   
> Once again I'm writing a story about something that is very real and happens to people out there which bothers me a lot. This is meant to be sad and a little upsetting , but also hopeful and positive in different ways. Things can get better at any moment, at any given second and it's worth sticking around to see the miracle happen. 
> 
> Stay brave guys. Stay alive. Support each other |-/ Merry Christmas

Josh smells the majestic scent of pizza from pretty far, considering it takes Tyler couple of minutes to get to his room, holding a big cardboard box in his hands. It smells like something incredibly delicious and makes Josh drool and feel the ache in his stomach intensify. He’s painfully hungry and the smell reminds him of spending all day standing outside this pizza place one freezing winter day, hoping that someone will leave their meal unfinished so he could eat.  It smelled just like this, but back then he wasn’t so lucky. He didn’t eat that day; instead the owner of the place kicked him out with the threat that he’ll call the police next time he sees Josh around.

It’s still unbelievable to him that this pizza is actually for him and he’ll be allowed to eat it, so he sits carefully still, scared that he’ll make Tyler mad and the other man will change his mind about sharing the meal with Josh. The nurse has been kind to him so far, even though Josh can feel the conflicting emotions battle behind those dark brown eyes that sparkle every once in a while, but staying pretty dull and dead looking most of the time. The other man looks tired and troubled which makes Josh want to talk to him and find out what bothers him, but he knows it’s not his place and Tyler will probably be upset at him for asking. After all he’s nobody, he’s just a homeless kid whose opinion matters to zero people. Josh knows his place pretty well by now.

When the box is finally opened after some struggle on Tyler’s part the smell that escapes is so strong and so amazing Josh almost passes out. The pizza looks so tasty it’s almost surreal. Tyler busies himself with slicing it into pieces , throwing glances at Josh every once in a while, but not showing any emotions.  Finally he says

“ Come on, eat up while it’s still warm “ and pushes the amazingly smelling food towards Josh and looks at him with his huge sad eyes. Yeah, they looks pretty sad, Josh concludes while staring right back and feeling like he can drown in how deep Tyler’s eyes look.

“ Aren’t you going to eat as well ? “ Josh asks, because he’s scared that if Tyler leaves him alone with this pizza he’ll eat the whole thing and throw it right back. Plus the other man looks pale and thin and could probably eat as well.

“ I’m not really hungry “ Tyler answers, but his stomach grumbles loudly almost as if to prove his words wrong “ Just go ahead and eat it , okay ? “

“ I”ll get sick if I eat the whole thing “ Josh admits, but knows that if he’s given the chance he’ll definitely eat it

“ Then don’t “  Tyler answers back and rolls his eyes.

“ I’m so hungry I’ll probably just eat until I’m sick “ Josh says as convincing as possible, hoping that the nurse will grab a bite as well. He hates the thought of somebody being hungry or sad, especially the only person who’s shown Josh any kindness so far.

“ I ..uh “ Tyler mumbles and rubs his face with a  nervous hand “ I don’t like eating in front of people “ he admits and there’s a light red blush creeping up on his scrubby cheeks. 

“ I can look away “ Josh answers quietly and tries not to drool all over the pizza right in front of it. His hands are shaking and he’s scared that Tyler will be upset at him for pushing it too far. “ B-but if you don’t want to eat in front of me you can leave me a slice or two and have the rest for yourself and eat it somewhere else, I mean I won’t mind, I just. . you just look like you haven’t eaten in a while and .. “ Josh babbles nervously, trailing off when Tyler’s face pales even further. Fuck, he totally went too far now. Tyler will probably hate him now. Why did he have to say that Tyler looks like he hasn’t eaten ? It’s none of his business and getting into other people’s business is never a good idea.

“ I look like I haven’t eaten in a while ? Have you seen yourself ? Jesus ! “ Tyler exclaims and pushes the cardboard box a little too hard towards Josh who jumps a little when it hits his folded leg. “ Just eat the goddamn thing alright ? “ and Josh nods as fast as he can, not willing to upset the nurse who looks pretty upset already.

“ Okay, sorry “ Josh apologizes and grabs a slice. His hands shake so hard he can’t even lift them so he just sits there and tires to will his arms to work.  They don’t.  He looks up helplessly at Tyler who looks less pissed off and more remorseful now.

“ Do you need help ? With eating ? “ Tyler asks after a couple of seconds and Josh nods. “ Okay “  he adds and scoots closer, until he’s sitting right next to Josh’s shoulder.

The feeling of having his stomach full is so unfamiliar Josh really does think he’ll be sick and throw it all back up. He’s trying to eat slowly , but the hunger he has been feeling for so long makes him rush and chew as fast as he physically can to get to the next bite faster. He catches Tyler looking at him with dark eyes that softened considerably since he started feeding Josh. He sees something he hasn’t seen there before, something that borders on compassion or sympathy. It makes Josh blush.

He closes his eyes and enjoys the taste on his tongue while chewing slowly, his jaw still aching. It has been broken almost a whole month ago, but it hasn’t been healing too well. It still hurts to chew.

“ Do you want water ? “ Tyler’s voice makes him open his eyes and look at the nurse who has just finished his own slice and reaches for the bottle of water.

“ Yeah, thanks “ Josh answers and watches Tyler pour him a glass full of water which once again tastes a lot better than Josh can remember drinking. Rainwater isn’t the most clean or best tasting water you can find, but it’s been keeping Josh alive so far.

“ So you really haven’t eaten anything since Monday ? “ Tyler asks after he drank his own water and took Josh’s empty glass as well. His voice sounds tired and raspy, but it’s less staged and more honest than before.

“ Yeah “ Josh answers and stares at his hands once again. He has difficulty looking at Tyler in the eyes, afraid he’ll see pity there. He hates it when people feel bad for him. It makes him feel weak and small, something he absolutely cannot stand. People often confuse kindness with weakness, which in Josh’s eyes is a big mistake. Being kind and soft in such a cruel world takes a considerable amount of strength.

Tyler stays quiet for a while and Josh tries to come up with something to say, but he’s so socially awkward it all drowns in his head before it can come out of his mouth.

“Where do you find food to eat anyway ? “  Tyler wonders out loud and makes Josh look up.

“ All kinds of places “ he answers and tries to remember where he found eatable food the past week “ People throw away a lot of food that’s still good to eat… I look for food everywhere – inside trash cans and dumpsters, especially around restaurants or big food stores. They throw out a lot of eatable stuff “ Josh says and sees the cringe on Tyler’s face. “ Sometimes I go to these communal kitchens where they cook for the homeless. They aren’t always opened and the food isn’t always enough for everyone, but it’s still something, especially when I can’t find anything else to eat “ Josh continues and looks away, stares at the window to avoid the pained look that Tyler is giving him.

“ Damn “ Tyler says and ruffles his hair that looks like it hasn’t been brushed for a long time.  “ How long have you been living like this ? “

“ Since I was 13 “ Josh answers and shivers, memories of being so young and all alone making the hair on his neck stand.  The first winter out on the street was one of the experiences Josh will never forget. He hasn’t been so scared of dying ever since.

“ That’s 6 years “ Tyler reports and his voice sounds so heavy and tired Josh wants to tell him to go have some rest instead of asking questions about his misfortunes.  “ Hell how do you survive on the street at such young age?  Where are your parents ? “ Tyler’s question brings the familiar pain in Josh’s chest, the one that appears there every time he thinks about his family.  He tries not to think about them or why he ended up the way he did, but it always goes back to that one question and it always, absolutely always hurts.

“ I don’t know. I haven’t seen them since I was 2 years old “ Josh answers and hopes that Tyler won’t be interested in the details. Because they’re quite ugly and talking about it always makes him upset.

Tyler sighs, deep and heavy and rubs his face again. It looks like he wants to say something, but there’s some kind of an internal battle that stops him from doing it. Instead he just looks at Josh for a little and then gets up , gathering the empty box and the bottle of water.

“ I have to go, cause I’ve got other patients to attend, but um .. I’ll be back later to check on you ? “ the last part of the sentence comes out more as a question rather than a statement which makes Josh nod, because yes, he definitely wants Tyler to come back. The man seems a little troubled, a little sad and rough, but also caries something very honest and pure inside. He must’ve been through a lot, Josh thinks, while looking at the other man fumble with the stuff in his hands.  A person builds certain defense mechanisms when they’ve been repeatedly hurt , which seems to be the case here.

“Thank you for the food. And the bath…  I uh – I know you’ll say that this is your job, but I’m really glad it was you who did it. “ Josh says and smiles up at Tyler who surprisingly smiles back and pats Josh at the shoulder.

“ It is my job, Josh and you don’t need to thank me every time I do something for you. I’m glad that you’re doing better and … like I said I’ll come back to see how you’re doing later. You should rest now, the doctor will come for visitation in a bit “ the smile is fleeting, but the fact that it was there makes Josh feel warm inside. He doesn’t remember feeling any kind of warmth inside of his chest in such a long time it almost burns him.

When Tyler leaves Josh feels strangely lonely. It’s strange because he’s used to being all alone and not belong anywhere. He’s used to the feeling of constant loneliness and fear of being forever lonely. He’s used to the cold and the hunger and the lack of family and home and friends. Or at least he makes himself believe that this is something a person can get used to. He makes himself believe that he doesn’t miss being hugged and kissed good night. He almost believes himself, almost … and yet there’s something that aches in his chest when Tyler leaves. It’s unfair, Josh thinks and tries to hold back the tears that threaten to pour out of his eyes all of a sudden. It’s unfair to miss something you’ve never had.

Brendon, the doctor who came to check on him when he woke up first came about 20 minutes later, bringing someone else with him who turned out to be a traumatology specialist. They both explained to him that his injuries are not life threatening, but serious enough to require treatment in order for him to recover. His pelvis could heal without surgery but that will take time and will be painful. The fracture is small, but at a very vital spot which will make his movement pretty limited. He’ll probably have to spend months in a wheelchair in order to help his pelvis heal properly. Physical therapy is also vital to make sure everything heals the right way. All of the stuff Josh can’t possibly afford, starting with the wheelchair.

Treatment is also expensive and since Josh can’t afford that either he’ll have to leave the hospital in a week, since that’s how long he can stay without paying. He’s grateful for that, because a week in a warm and safe place , surrounded by people who care about him is a lot more than he can ask for. He’ll have to pay the price once he finds himself out on the street again, bearing his injuries, but it’s worth it.

At the hospital he doesn’t have to worry about where he’ll sleep tonight or where to find food to eat, so he can finally relax and breathe properly. The weight of the unknown is a pretty heavy one and when it lifts just a little Josh can feel himself weight 100 pounds lighter. This obviously is only temporary solution and this feeling of freedom will last not more than a week, but God does it feel good.

So is this how other people feel? Not terrified of how the night will end or whether he’ll survive it at all?  Not having to eat rotten food that others have thrown away  and split it in as many meals as he can, because he doesn’t ‘t know when will be the next time he’ll get to eat ? Not feeling safe, not feeling scared and cold and threatened all the time ?

Josh hugs his blanket tighter and enjoys the warmth of the bed and how safe it makes him feel. His mind goes back to his friends on the street, hoping they have eaten today, praying that they’re warm in this freezing November evening.  The temperatures have dropped below 0 and they only keep dropping as December approaches. This is the toughest time of the year, not only because it’s cold, but because Josh hates the holiday season more than anything. To him and most of the homeless people living on the streets it’s a reminder of the things they don’t have. A home, a family or a place to go. Josh doesn’t have any good memories related to Christmas. The shelter he has been placed last was a horrible place where he’d get abused and bullied on daily basis. Holidays there were no different than any other days where he’d get beat up and thrown around.

Tyler comes to his room hours later, when the sun is already setting. He looks so tired he might pass out any moment and Josh suspects that the other man has been working for a few days straight.

“ So how do you feel, Josh ? “ Tyler comes closer and checks his vitals , writing something down in his chart “

“ I’m feelin’ fine “ Josh answers with a smile, because he’s glad not to be alone “ You seem pretty tired though “

“Yeah third night shift in a row … anyways I’m used to not sleeping, so it’s fine “ Tyler answers and sits down on a chair next to Josh’s bed.

“ What do you do when you can’t sleep ? “

“ Um .. “ Tyler’s brows furrow and he looks deep in thought “ I write “ he mutters

“ Oh are you a writer ? “ Josh says, but feels stupid because it’s probably none of his business and Tyler will stop talking to him if he’s too curious.

“ No, I just like writing. It takes my mind off .. “ he trails off and shakes his head, muttering something to himself that Josh doesn’t catch.

“ That’s pretty cool “ Josh says “ It’s one of my .. um..dreams. I want to learn to write and read, maybe finish school or something “ it’s difficult admitting these stuff, but Tyler actually listens to him and nods when Josh tells him he wants to learn to write and it makes him warm inside again.

“ I write lyrics and poetry and stuff “ Tyler says “ I collect money to buy a piano so I can write music on it. All I’ve got is a uke that I strum every once in a while, but piano would be a lot better. “ and wow, this guy is also some kind of musician which makes Josh tingle inside. He has always loved music even though he rarely has the chance to listen to any.

“ Could you maybe play me something ? “ he rushes to ask, but Tyler’s face falls and he regrets asking “ I mean  - I mean if you want to, cause if you don’t I wouldn’t ask you again, I promise “

“ I’m not very good, I doubt you’ll want to hear that “ Tyler says and ruffles his hair that looks even more fluffy now “

“ But I’d love to hear it.. If you feel like playing of course. I’d really love to hear something of yours “ at that Tyler smiles shyly and nods

“ Okay, I’ll see if I can sneak my uke here “ he answers and looks a little less on edge. “ But I have to warn you, it’s some pretty weird shit “ he adds and breaks a smile.

“Dude, weird doesn’t bother me at all “ Josh answers, already feeling excited at the prospect of hearing Tyler play him something. “ I can’t wait “ he adds and Tyler puffs out a laugh.

“Don’t get too excited. “

“ You can’t stop me “ they both smile at that and the warmth inside of Josh’s chest is now burning with the intensity of a fire. It’s a mistake getting attached to someone, Josh knows that, especially in his position but with Tyler is difficult not to.  The man seems fragile and soft, but doing his best to cover his fragility with sarcasm and meanness. Something must’ve made him this way, probably a broken heart or somebody’s broken promise. Josh is certain something has been broken somewhere along the way.

Josh falls asleep a while later, tired and with brain hazy from painkillers. He knows it’s still too early for Christmas miracles, but he can’t help feeling like Tyler Joseph is definitely one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shutout to everyone who struggles around the holidays for one reason or another. Don't lose hope and don't forget that there is someone who cares about you.   
> You can always find me at my [tumblr ](http://i-m-a-goner-takeitslow.tumblr.com/) and send me an ask or a message, I'm always here if anyone wants to talk.   
> My head hurts a lot so I'll probably go to bed now.  
> Stay alive, guys |-/


	7. 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this instead of sleeping so excuse the over dramatic narrative

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I just updated yesterday, but inspiration keeps finding me when I'm sick and I feel sick all the time these days

When Tyler goes home later that night he can’t stop wondering what has gotten into him today. He just promised a complete stranger he’ll play him something he wrote, but he never does that. He never plays or reads his stuff to other people, not even his closer friends.  Not that he has closer friends anyway. He burned all the bridges with his childhood friends thanks to Simon who was so jealous and possessive he hated when Tyler had someone else to hang out with, even girls who he was absolutely not interested in.  Ever since he broke it off with his ex he hasn’t made any new friends, save for his colleagues at the hospital who mostly felt sorry for him rather than anything else.

And yet this boy who Tyler has been treating pretty poorly still tries to make friends with him and wants to hear his music. Josh looks like a good kid and he probably is one which with his lifestyle is a pure wonder. How do you end up being a good person when you’re literally at the lowest level a human being can possibly be at ? How do you stay kind when life has been treating you anything but ?  Tyler walks down the empty streets and shivers, the chilling November wind freezing him to the bone. What would it be like to have nowhere to go , Tyler wonders and pushes his hands further into his pockets. What if you have nowhere to hide from this wind ? What if you have to sleep on the concrete, how the hell do you survive ? 

Walking a little bit faster now , Tyler feels like he’s trying to escape the thoughts about the homeless boy sleeping on the streets, rather than the chilling wind. He doesn’t want to think about Josh’s miserable life and how he’ll continue living it after they discharge him from the hospital. It was his decision after all, to walk in front of that car and get hit.  It was his choice.

This is what his family used to tell Tyler when he got abused by Simon “Hey it’s your life, you have a choice whether to leave him or not. “ but really ?  What do they know? He never told anyone about Simon’s threats to kill his younger sister if he left him. He never told his family about the broken wrist and the concussion, or how he started hearing voices.  His parents have seen his black eye and his bruises and they always told him “ It’s your choice, just leave him If he’s abusing you” like it’s the easiest thing in the world. It probably is, but not to Tyler who was so scared of being abandoned back then , the thought of leaving Simon was purely terrifying.

Subconsciously Tyler’s eyes scan the sidewalks where he notices some people huddled up and sleeping on the pavement. Speeding up his steps he moves faster, vaguely wondering why all of a sudden these homeless people are bothering him so much. They’ve always been here, so why is it an issue now ? Is it because of that homeless kid ? “ _I’m going to kill Brendon tomorrow morning_ ” Tyler promises himself and walks into his building, glad to be finally out of the wind’s grip.

He climbs the stairs, his stupid fear of elevators forcing him to walk all 8 stories until he’s completely out of breath and coughing. He finds his keys with shaky fingers and enters his dark and cold apartment.  Tyler can’t remember the last time he opened the curtains and let any light into this place. He’s not even sure that all of the light bulbs are working since he rarely turns on the light anyway. He doesn’t want to see the empty walls. He doesn’t want to see any reminders of his previous life. And he definitely doesn’t want to see himself, so he hides in darkness.

Walking straight to his bedroom, Tyler takes his shirt and pants off, leaving only underwear on and climbs into his bed. His notebook is there and his hands instantly move to grab it , opening the page where he last wrote yesterday morning. It’s messy and doesn’t make any sense, just like everything he writes these days. Wiring is just a way to get out of his head, to escape the whispering of his past and pour it out somehow. He goes through the pages and tries to find something less disturbing to read to Josh tomorrow.  He tears a page out and folds it slightly, then reaches for his pants on the floor and hides the piece of paper in one of the pockets.

Burying himself deep underneath the cold blanket Tyler wishes he had someone to hug or at least huddle with. _So you can destroy their lives as well ? No, Tyler, you need to stay the fuck away from people. You’re sick and you’re evil and you’ll destroy everything that gets close to you._ Tyler tries to block out the nasty voice, but ultimately he can’t because it’s all true. No matter how much he pretends that it’s just a voice and his a guilty consciousness It’s still all true. Tyler is alone because he can’t stop hurting everyone around him. He can’t stop being a burden. He can’t stop blaming himself for all the awful things that happened to him.

All alone and cold in his bed Tyler falls asleep, four hours before his alarm goes off.  He doesn’t dream , but the flashes of curly brown hair and cat-like shaped eyes plague his mind until the sun finally rises up and wakes Tyler up. He can never sleep past sunrise, a habit he has developed while living with Simon who was very strict over how early Tyler goes to sleep and when he wakes up. No matter how much time passes he’s still held in a tight grip by the man who completely ruined his life and keeps ruining it, even though he’s nowhere near Tyler anymore.

He climbs out of bed and sleepily drags himself to the bathroom for a shower he had no energy for last night. It feels refreshing, but his head hurts so bad it feels like someone is hitting it with a sledge hammer repeatedly.  He decides not to make himself coffee, but grab something on the way to the hospital, since his shift doesn’t start in another few hours. Tyler hates staying at his place longer than he has to, so he fetches some clothes from his closet , takes his ukulele and notebook and heads out.

The morning is even more freezing than the night before which makes Tyler shake almost as soon as he heads out of the building. He’s glad that Josh is warm and comfortable in his hospital bed and not on the freezing cold outside. Tyler sees the same people huddled on the ground from the evening before and wonders if he has any extra blankets at home to give them  to these people who clearly need them more than Tyler. 

With that thought in mind the walks the 20 minute route to the hospital, stopping by at a coffee place to get some beverages and breakfast.  It’s still too early for his shift, but since he has nowhere else to go he walks down to the hospital and looks for Dallon first.

His friend is just napping in their room for rest, curled up on the sofa with his head tucked in both hands. Dallon was night shift and has a morning shift to go before he can go home and have some proper rest.  Tyler sets a cup of coffee next to Dallon and a donut with chocolate filling, his friend’s favorite. After that he takes the cardboard box full of warm cups of coffee and takes them to all of hos colleagues who work the morning shift today.

“ Ahh you’re a saint, Tyler”  Jenna exclaims when she grabs her cup of coffee “ I’ve been dying for some real coffee, not this vending bullshit “ she kisses Tyler on the cheek and he smiles.

“ You’re welcome. I hope I got it right ? “

“ It’s perfect, Ty”

Tyler spends the rest of his free time before his shift talking to Jenna and Patrick, another nurse at the hospital and drinking his own coffee. There’s still one cup of coffee and one donut left in the box and another 15 minutes before his shift starts. Tyler walks down the corridor towards Josh’s room and knocks softly. He gets a quiet and unsure “come in ?” in return after which he enters the room.

Josh looks like he hasn’t slept , with dark bags underneath his eyes and ruffled curly hair at the top of his head. His face is pale and he looks uncomfortable, probably in pain from all the broken and bruised bones.  But the smile that splits his face when he sees Tyler literally lights up the entire room and makes the nurse’s heart skip a beat or two. Josh’s eyes crinkle up at the corners , turning them into two little slits of happiness. Tyler has never seen anyone radiate so much happiness all at once, through just one smile.

“ Morning “ he greets Josh who keeps smiling like a little kid

“ Hey Tyler” he answers and shoots a glance at the cardboard box in Tyler’s hands.

“ I’ve got you some breakfast “ Tyler says and leaves the box on the table next to Josh “ I hope you drink coffee, cause I’ve got you one as well. There’s no sugar in it cause I didn’t know if you like it sweet or not, but I can bring you some if you want “ it’s the longest sentence he’d said in a long time and it’s a pure miracle he hasn’t stumbled over his words.  Josh is staring at him in disbelief , huge almond shaped eyes shining with gratefulness.

“ This is for me ? “ his voice shakes when he points towards the still steaming coffee “ You got this for me ? “

“ Yeah. Like I said, I didn’t know if you drink coffee at all so I got you my regular, but if you don’t like it … “ Tyler rambles, but Josh cuts him off

“ No, no I drink coffee, I actually love coffee so much “ Josh reaches out to grab the cup in his hands “ I just … this is really sweet of you. You didn’t have to do this “ he says and looks down shyly. He probably thinks that Tyler is doing this driven by pity or whatever, but it’s not entirely true. Tyler does feel bad for Josh and his situation, but he bought him coffee and breakfast because he wanted to see the boy smile.  Which was totally worth it because his smile is kind and infectious, making Tyler want to smile as well.

“Nah, it’s fine, no big deal “ Tyler answers and sits at Josh’s bed, looking at him taking a sip of coffee with his eyes closed.

“ Man, this is amazing “ the boy exclaims and inhales the coffee’s aroma “ This is the best coffee I’ve ever had “

“ This is also for you “ Tyler unwraps the donut and places it in front of Josh “ You should eat, you need all the food you can get “  Josh glances up at him, but doesn’t reach for the food.

“ You can eat it if you’re hungry “ he answers, but Tyler can see the hunger sparking in the other boy’s brown eyes.

“ It’s for you , Josh “ Tyler answers and Josh’s eyes dart towards the donut again before looking up.

“ We can split it ? “ Josh tries again and Tyler’s heart hurts at that for some reason. He’s so willing to share his food even though he barely has any. The less you have, the more you’re willing to give, Tyler thinks with a sigh.

“ I already ate, this one is for you “ Tyler answers and can’t help but smile at the enthusiasm that paints Josh’s face. It’s just a donut after all. To Tyler at least. But to people like Josh it’s something special and rare. And yet he’s so willing to share it.

Tyler leaves his uke at by Josh’s bed and promises to come back and play him something later, after their lunch break.

“ Oh my Gosh “ Josh exclaims and claps his hands with excitement “ You’re really going to play me something you wrote ? “

“ Yeah, but don’t get your hopes up “ Tyler answers, feeling the anxiety cripple up his guts. He hasn’t played in front of people for a long time and the fear of fucking this up feels pretty real. Fear is a good thing though. It’s better than feeling nothing. It’s better than feeling numb. And since he met Josh he can’t stop feeling. It’s one never ending rollercoaster of being angry , sad, sympathetic and utterly amazed. The boy is one of a kind, Tyler can tell that.

His morning is busy, but he can’t stop thinking about the song he’s going to play to Josh. It’s something he wrote while still living with Simon and it holds a lot of emotions Tyler usually hides deep within his chest. It almost feels like he’s going to get undressed in front of a stranger which makes him nervous.

Josh on the other hand is bursting with excitement when Tyler comes to his room a few hours later. His face looks a little bit less swelled and his eyes radiate happiness and genuine excitement. The edge of desperation is gone, replaced by child-like charisma that makes Tyler’s heart beat fast.

“ This song is unfinished. It’s one of my favorite stuff I wrote , but I never got to finish it “ Tyler nervously explains while tuning his ukulele. Josh smiles up at him from his bed, both hands clasped together and looking like he’s holding his breath.

Tyler starts playing the melody by memory and finds he can barely remember how it went. God it’s been so long since he played this tune. He tries not to look at the boy on the bed who has both hands over his mouth like he’s holding himself back from saying something and break the magic or something.

When he finally gets to the part with the unfinished lyrics his voice sounds raspy and unfamiliar, almost as if someone else is singing instead of Tyler.

_“ I am cold, can you hear ?_

_I will fly , with no hope, no fear._

_And the ground taunts my wings,_

_plummet as I sing, plummet as I sing … “_

Tyler stops playing when he feels something warm and wet on his face, sliding down his cheeks like raindrops. When he opens his eyes he finds that he can’t see Josh clear, but the boy looks sad, the excitement from a few minutes ago replaced by gut wrenching sadness.

When he relizes that he’s crying he stands up so fast his chair falls to the ground with a loud _clang._ Why is he doing this ? Why is he singing something so private for someone he barely knows and then cries in front of him on top of everything?

“ Tyler ? “ Josh’s voice sounds small and filled with pain “ Tyler, are you alright ? I’m sorry, I’m sorry I asked you to play, I didn’t mean to make you cry … “ Josh is saying something else, but Tyler walks out before he can hear the end of the sentence. The tears slide out of his eyes and won’t stop all the way to the bathroom, where Tyler locks himself in one of the stalls. Then he cries.

He cries so hard and for so long his throat hurts and his eyes sting by the time he calms down. 

_“ Just jump off the goodamn building already, you useless piece of shit “ Simon’s voice echoes in Tyler’s ears as he stands on the balcony of his 8 th story building, hands and legs shaking from how much he wants to fucking jump, but is too scared shitless to do it._

_“ Do you hear me ? “ the voice sounds closer and Tyler presses himself to the railings in a desperate attempt to get away from the man who trapped him at the balcony. “ If you don’t come fucking back to the bedroom I swear I’m going to throw you down myself. Do you hear me ? You do not walk out on me,  Tyler, nobody walks out on me like that “_

_The angry voice makes his heart beat so fast he’s scared it will jump out of his chest. It would be so easy if he could just jump down and fly, free from the fear and the terror he’s stuck with every second of every day of his life. He debates whether to do it or not for a few moments, hands gripping the cold railing of the terrace so hard it makes his knuckles go white. If he could just let go of the fear and be strong for a moment, if he could just fly, with no hope and no fear of death and what’s going to come after. Only if._

_He doesn’t jump though, scared that Simon will go after his mother or sister if he did it.  He wipes his face, already swollen from the punch he has taken earlier and goes back inside. With no hope, only fear._

The memory of that evening makes Tyler choke and cough, while gripping the bathroom sink in attempt to steady himself. His face looks red and swollen and it doesn’t take a genius to tell he’s been crying. He hates crying and hates doing it in front of people even more so he takes his time to calm down and wash his face. He sure picked the worst song to perform, honestly. He shouldn’t have done that. He shouldn’t have let himself feel again. It’s way less painful to just not feel anything and let himself be carried by the current. It’s this kid’s fault, Tyler thinks angrily while wiping his face with a paper towel. He used to be doing just fine before Josh appeared and turned his world upside down.

Stomping back to Josh’s room Tyler walks in and grabs his ukulele, puts it back into its tiny suitcase and leaves. He only throws one glance at Josh who looks scared and vulnerable, with wet eyes and red, bitten raw lips. It makes him feel bad instantly , for taking it all out on the kid who has already been through enough shit. _This is exactly why you need to stay away from him. You’re only going to hurt him more and this is not what he needs right now. It’s not his fault you’re a fucking mess, Tyler, you shouldn’t burden him with this._

“ Tyler ? “ Josh tries to speak up before Tyler walks out of the room with a tight chest and aching heart, not giving the other boy a chance to ask what happened. He definitely doesn’t want to talk about it.

There are another 5 hours until the end of his shift and they drag so slowly , Tyler feels absolutely exhausted by the end of it, even though the day at work wasn’t as busy as usual. He just wants to drag himself to bed and not come out of there for the next 24 hours, until it’s time for his next shift.

He feels like shit for leaving Josh hanging like that, but he doesn’t think he can face the kid now and explain to him what that outburst was all about. So he leaves right after his shift ends and doesn’t look back all the way until he reaches his building. Climbing up the stairs, Tyler passes by his apartment and goes a little bit higher, where the emergency exit is placed. It leads him to the roof of the building, where a freezing wind blows his warmth away the second he sets his foot outside. The city is lit up by street lights and buildings where people probably eat their dinner and get ready for bed.

Tyler slowly makes his way towards the edge of the building and sits down, throwing his legs on the side of it while holding onto the safety rails.  He’s so cold he can barely feel his fingers, numbed by the November chill that blows with no mercy. As he looks down on the street below where people move around like little ants Tyler wonders if he will ever stop running. It’s pointless really , trying to outrun your own demons when they are inside of you where you can’t escape. 

The only thing that keeps him warm is the memory of a smile that possibly holds all the keys to the Universe. It’s engraved in his visual memory, making his heart beat erratically against his ribcage.  He doesn’t want to feel, he doesn’t , _he doesn’t._ And yet he does, he feels the ache deep within his chest when he remembers how homesick those brown eyes look and how many stars and galaxies Tyler could count in them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE let me know what you think. Seriously, sometimes my only motivation to write is reading your comments, even if they're not all positive or encouraging. I feel like a bad writer when I get no reviews which sucks, I know, but I do need to know what my readers think about what I write. 
> 
> Also I'm constantly on medication which messes with my writing a lot. I may write things that don't make much sense so excuse me in advance.  
> Thank you for being there for me - the clique has proved to be one of my biggest inspirations to continue forward and never stop fighting. You guys are one big awesome bunch of people


	8. 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something quick written from Josh's point of view that I came up with in the middle of the night when my feelings were a complete mess

When the night comes Josh can’t fall asleep. All he can think about is how upset Tyler was when he left and how bad he felt for driving his only friend to this miserable state. He knows it partially his fault because he insisted on having something played to him, which was obviously not the best move to make. Josh already knew that Tyler is going through something rough, but seeing him with red rimmed eyes and tear-stained face makes him worry even more.

The gutting feeling only intensifies throughout the next day when he doesn’t see Tyler at all. He doesn’t show up all day and when Josh asks the substitute nurse he says that Tyler took a day off. Josh is worried he might’ve done something wrong, something that hurt Tyler and that thought saddens him more than anything. He has no way to reach out and apologize, so he lays in a hopeless heap on his hospital bed, hoping that Tyler will come by after all and give him a chance to make things right.  Josh loses his appetite and doesn’t eat anything that Dallon brings him and feels sick and exhausted.

When the second night rolls by Josh is absolutely desperate. He needs to know that Tyler is okay. He has no idea why it matters to him so much, since they aren’t even friends, Tyler is just a nurse who’s doing his job, but ….. maybe Josh is so starved for attention and kindness he latches on to every little sign of humanity shown to him.  He’s been hurt hundreds, maybe even thousand times during his short life on Earth, but the times he really remembers are whenever someone showed him kindness and gave him a helping hand when he needed it. It happens so rarely he could count those times on a single hand’s fingers, but he never forgets.

It’s really easy to turn your back on someone who needs help, to close your eyes and pretend their pain doesn’t bother you and is none of your business. It’s so fucking easy. Everybody who has ever walked by Josh while he was begging on the street has done it. Looked to the other side, pretended he wasn’t sitting on the cold cement freezing and starving to death. Thousands of people has showed no interest in his misery and did nothing to help. Josh doesn’t blame them honestly. He knows that he’s not the only one who’s suffering and needs help. He knows that. But seeing people’s disinterest and utter indifference really hurts.  He’s spent years living like this and it shouldn’t hurt so much, but it still does. It always does.

And maybe the reason he feels so connected to Tyler is because he’s seen the same pain in his brown eyes every time the other man looks at him. Josh can take pain of his own, he has always been resilient, but he can’t stand seeing Tyler look so lonely and homesick. His heart aches. It doesn’t stop aching through the night, when the snow starts falling outside of his window and the sky turns white. He’s so scared that Tyler won’t come back it makes his anxiety flare up and heart beat so fast it makes his head spin.

The last time Josh felt this way was when he was 17 and Lisa, a homeless artist and his only friend at that time overdosed with heroin on Christmas eve. Squeezing his eyes tightly shut , Josh tries to shut out those memories, but the images of snowflakes piling up on her pale face make his insides turn to liquid lava. Her skin looked so pale on the dim street light, she looked like a ghost of a person who has long since gone. _“ Please don’t leave, please don’t leave, Lisa “_ Josh remembers begging as he hugged her limp body close, in attempt to perceive some of her warmth. She didn’t wake up while the snow fell on both of them, freezing Josh to numbness. He remembers vaguely collecting all of her paintings when morning finally came, so nobody would steal them and then buried her along with them. Nobody came to her service, but a priest from the local church and Josh himself.

He kept one of her paintings, still has it hidden in between the bricks of an old building in an alley he used to call home. One day, Josh decided, he’ll tattoo the drawing on his skin and keep a part of Lisa alive forever. The sunset represents a new beginning that brings hope and light, as well as warmth and a promise for something better. The night sky, another part of her painting that Josh cherishes with all of his heart reminds him of all the people that exist underneath the same sky, but find such different things when they look up at it.  Lisa always told him that her and Josh and all the unfortunate souls suffering every day are just like those stars. Their pain fuels the light. They didn’t go a day without burning so that the world didn’t go a day without light.

Josh never wants to feel so alone again, but the absence of Tyler brings him back to that scary place where he’s terrified of being alone all over again. It’s a fear he’s used to living with, but finding someone who makes you feel less devastatingly lonely and then losing them is far worse than just being alone. Which brings him back to something Lisa read Josh once when they were huddled under their coats on a freezing December evening with a book in her lap and a cat in his. “ _My heart is afraid that it will have to suffer”  the boy told the Alchemist one night as they looked up at the moonless sky.  “ Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search for its dreams. ”_ Josh wishes he could believe that Alchemist.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this doesn't really help the story move along, but I have these things I want to say that I can't fit anywhere else so I write them in separate chapters. Feel free to hate me for this. I won't even blame you.
> 
> Lisa is real btw. She's someone I used to know when I was younger and she really was a homeless artist I've had so much respect for. I still keep one of her cards she gave me for my birthday years ago. Anyways, this is depressing and I don't know why I'm writing shit like this.


	9. 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We found more about Josh's past and how he ended on the street and also Tyler's softer side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trash and I wrote this while being super tired and sleepy

_“All we are is an isle of flightless birds  
We find our worth in giving birth and stuff _

_We're lining our homes against winding roads_ _  
_ _And we think the going is tough_ _  
_ _We pick songs to sing, remind us of things that nobody cares about_ _  
_ _And honestly we're probably more suicidal than ever now_ _..”_

Tyler leaves the pen on the piece of paper , feeling the tremors running through his hands and messing his handwriting.  His hands are shaking, have been for the past couple of hours while he was trying to finish this stupid song. He’s been writing it for over a year, but all he has is a chorus and a melody , a cord progression that’s stuck in his head, but he has no clue what to do with it. Like most of the stuff in his life, it’s left unfinished and abandoned.

It’s miracle he managed to write a couple of lines anyways, Tyler thinks while looking for his phone somewhere In between wrinkled sheets.  It vibrated a couple of times in the past 15 minutes, but he has no energy to deal with people right now. No wonder he’s such a loner, he never picks up the phone or answers any messages.

The vibrating is annoying though so Tyler searches for his phone in order to turn it off, but stops himself when sees Jenna’s name flashing on his screen. She’s one of his very few friends and it’s kinda late, so it must be something important which makes Tyler stop and open the message.

_Jenna : Hey, Ty. R u awake ?_

_Jenna : Sorry if I woke you. Just wanted to talk to you for a sec._

_Jenna : It’s about the homeless boy you’ve been assigned to ._

This makes Tyler stop in his tracks and blink at the screen. Josh has been on his mind all day since he felt incredibly guilty about the way he left and probably upset the kid. Tyler opens the next message and his heart sinks. To his toes.

_Jenna : He’s been crying all night. I’m worried cause he hasn’t eaten anything since yesterday either._

Tyler reads the message a couple of times and feels something thick and solid get stuck in his throat. He didn’t mean to make the boy cry. He just got over emotional and needed to be alone for a while.

_Tyler: Why are you telling me this ? I’m not his babysitter_

He knows why she’s telling him this, but first he wants to know what she knows.

_Jenna : He told me you’re mad at him. He also said he’s worried about and asked if I knew if you were okay and if you were coming back at all. He’s pretty upset, Ty. Did something happen ?_

Tyler is an asshole, that definitely happened. Feeling even more guilty Tyler sits up and pushes the unfinished song lyrics off his lap.  Everything’s complete mess around him – there are empty bottles of vodka piling up around his bed, plastic bags from takeaway food and empty bottles of pills. His apartment is one huge mess. Hell, his life is one gigantic mess and Tyler knows it.  He hasn’t done anything meaningful with his life since .. forever.

For the first time in years Tyler feels shamed of himself. He tries to avoid that feeling, tries to avoid looking back at his life and analyzing the downfall it has become. But now all of a sudden he can see how pathetic  and mindless his existence has become.  How scared of feeling and _living_ he has become.  _It’s Simon’s fault and Damien's before him and Richard’s before him and your parents before him ….. “_ the nasty whisper tells Tyler who tries not to listen for once.  “ _Maybe Simon should’ve locked you in the cellar more often. Look at how pathetic and weak you are, fucking useless”_ Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up , Tyler whispers and feels the phone vibrate again. It’s probably Jenna with her fucking motherly feelings towards everyone who’s weak and vulnerable.

“ I’m not weak, I survived all of that shit,  I am not w e a k “ Tyler says and grabs his head, fighting against the raging headache that’s about to grow into a full blown migraine any moment now. God he hates everything about himself, including how loud it is in his head all the time. _They_ never shut up.

 _Jenna : Tyler, I’m sorry , I know it’s been rough for you –_ Tyler reads and almost laughs at that.  He doesn’t even know if he’s dying or living or maybe something even worse than that. It hasn’t been rough. It’s been so horrible he wanted to kill himself for the past … God knows how many years.  Jenna Is actually one of the few people who know about the abuse Tyler has suffered and she’s pretty much his only friend.

_Jenna : But I know that whatever happened you didn’t mean any harm. This boy is confused, scared and lonely, you can’t just dump your shit on him and expect him to be fine.  If you can’t handle him tell Brendon, I’ll be happy to take over._

Josh is 19 and he has been dealing with a lot tougher things than Tyler and yet he’s not bitter, he doesn’t insult people to protect his own feelings and he hasn’t built walls like Tyler did, just to avoid getting hurt. He’s opened and honest. He’s kind. How is he kind when life has treated him anything but ?? This is what Tyler couldn’t get. Why isn’t he angry ? He has every right to be and yet he’s not. No, he’s grateful and kind and just … so pure. 

_Tyler : Fuck_

_Tyler: I didn’t mean to hurt him_

_Tyler: fuck_

_Jenna : it’s fine, just go see him in the morning, he’s freaking out you’ve left for good._

_Tyler : yeah , yeah I will. Thanks for telling me Jen._

_Jenna : I couldn’t watch him like this. He seems like a pretty decent kid._

_Tyler : Yeah. See you tomorrow._

_Jenna : Good night, Ty._

Tyler sits quietly in his bed for good 30 minutes, once again feeling conflicted. The guilt he feels towards Josh is mixing with the overwhelming need to help the boy somehow. There are only few days left until he’s discharged and where will he go ? What will he do when they send him away with broken pelvis and unable to walk ? And here ‘s Tyler, sitting around feeling sorry for himself when there are people like Josh who barely survive day to day. Tyler can’t stand himself.

His brain tries to come up with a way to help, but it’s difficult. He doesn’t have any money put to the side and his paycheck is barely enough to cover his own expenses.  He knows that the kind of therapy that Josh needs is expensive and he owns no such money.  He could ask his parents for money, but that sounds like a horrible idea. They’re not in the best relationship since Tyler ran away from his home town with his boyfriend when he was 17. His parents warned him that he’ll get in trouble with  this man who was a lot older than Tyler , but he didn’t listen to them. He packed a bag and left, burning the bridges with his family. Still  they were his parents and if he asked them for help they probably wouldn’t turn away.

 _He told me you’re mad at him. He also said he’s worried about and asked if I knew if you were okay and if you were coming back at all. He’s pretty upset, Ty_ The other option was donations. Tyler remembers last Christmas when they gathered donations for a kid whose parents died in a car crash and he was left an orphan with the urgent need of surgery.  They had the money within a week or so which gives Tyler hope that maybe if he initiates something similar people will help. They can’t let Josh end up on the street so badly injured. _He_ can’t let that happen.

Relaxing back against the crumpled up pillows Tyler takes a few deep breaths and tries to contemplate on what he’s going to tell his parents when he calls them to ask for money. He doesn’t want to do it, but swallowing his ego is worth it when it comes to saving somebody’s life. Maybe he can buy and extra week or two, until they get enough donations for his full treatment.

This though calms Tyler down a little and he grabs the piece of paper he carelessly threw away earlier.

_If you decide to live by, what you think's wrong and what's right_ _  
_ _Believe me you'll begin to wish you were sleeping_ _  
_ _Your weeping will creep in your head and you'll cry_ _  
_ _But if we wake up every morning and decide what we believe_ _  
_ _We can take apart our very heart and the light will set us free_

The lyrics come all at once and Tyler scratches with his pen urgently on the paper, trying to put out everything that’s been gathering up inside.  _The light will set us free._ Tyler has been living in the dark, not letting any rays of sunshine in , punishing himself or being such a failure his entire life. But if he opens his heart, maybe just this once the light that seeps through the cracks will set him free. Maybe doing something good will erase some of the self-hatred and shame that’s been piling up inside for so long,  It still feels selfish to use someone so vulnerable like Josh to make himself feel less guilty by helping him out in a tough situation, but Tyler honestly wants to help for once . It’s not just the need of forgiveness and redemption. He honestly wants to see Josh get better and maybe even help him off the street.

Just when Tyler grabs the piece of paper again his phone vibrates. It’s Jenna, the always worried and carrying Jenna who’s probably scared he’ll do something stupid tonight.

_Jenna : You’re a good person Ty. It’s not your fault you’ve had difficult life. But just because you’ve been hurt before doesn’t mean everyone is out to get you.  Get some sleep. Stop overthinking. Everything’s gonna be okay. Xxx_

Tyler looks at the message and silently thanks God or whoever is up there for bringing Jenna in his life, because quite honestly he’d be on the bottom of a lake with a weight on his neck if it wasn’t for her.  They’ve been working together for over 3 years now and she’d never left him alone in a tough situation all of this time. This is one of those times, when he doubts himself and feels weak and lonely.

_Tyler : Thanks, Jen. Don’t know what I’d do without you. See you tomorrow._

_Jenna : Get some sleep_ _J_ _see you tomorrow, Ty._

Tyler stares at his notebook for another couple of minutes, but his head is such a mess no coherent lyrics can possibly come out it. There’s thrill in his chest, anxiety, anticipation and a little fear from what he has planned for tomorrow, but it’s a nice change from feeling absolutely nothing at all.

Tyler doesn’t sleep for the rest of the night , because his nerves keep him awake as well as the ever present doubt that tears at him.  He could be making a mistake. All of this could be for nothing, His parents could say no. People could turn away and not want to help. Everything could be one big loss of time. But this time Tyler doesn’t listen to those doubts and gets up in the morning with the determination to make things right.

He goes to Brendon’s office first thing in the morning to talk to him about arranging a funding for Josh’s treatment. He knows that the other man is good at heart and will definitely not put down any effort to help another human being in need and it turns out he’s right.

“ We can’t just send him back to the street in this condition, Bren “ Tyler says and surprises himself with how passionate he sounds.  “ He’ll die out here, especially with winter coming up. We need to do something “  Brendon nods in response.

“ That’s for sure. He’ll be dead withing a wee if we leave him out on the street in this condition.  “ Brendon adds with a serious voice and furrowed brows.  “ Okay, I’ll arrange a campaign to gather donations for him, but first we need to do some background check. I’ll talk to social services and you can go talk to him and ask him about his past. If he turns out to be a criminal this whole thing will turn from charity to a big scandal. We can’t let that happen, not in our hospital. “  Tyler wants to object, to say that there’s no time for checks and questions, but Brendon is right. If people are going to give their money for Josh’s treatment they have to make sure he deserves to get them.

“ I’m not sure he’s going to tell me much about his past “ Tyler says honesty, because he knows how bad at talking to people he is “ But I’ll get whatever information I can. 

“Great. I’ll talk to our head unit about it and he might come to talk to you afterwards.  I’ll make sure to persuade him, but since you’re assigned to Josh he might have questions to you as well. “

Tyler nods, feeling the excitement fill his veins. They’re really doing this. He doesn’t remember ever doing something so meaningful in his entire life. _You’re just really fucking self-centered, that’s the main reason._  Tyler hears in his head, the familiar voice that usually shuts everything else out.

“ Okay, Bren, thanks for your help “  Tyler says and speeds out of the doctor’s cabinet in a hurry to get to Josh and reassure him that everything’s fine.  Jenna’s words ring in his head while he climbs the stairs towards the intensive care unit where the boy is assigned for now.  “ _He told me you’re mad at him. He also said he’s worried about_ _you and asked if I knew if you were okay and if you were coming back at all. He’s pretty upset, Ty_ “.  Josh knew him for about two days and yet he already managed to figure out that Tyler isn’t doing okay and he worries about him. His parents, who know him his entire freaking life don’t bother to worry whether he’s okay or not. Maybe that’s partially Tyler’s fault, who has been pushing everyone away, but nobody tried to keep him around anyway, especially not his siblings. It hurts and Tyler doesn’t want to think about it, because the indifference of his own family is worse than not having a family at all.

Which is probably not true, considering how life turned out for the boy in the bright white room where Tyler walks in a few minutes later and sees him laying on one side on the bed. Jenna is there too and she’s re-bandaging the wounds on his back , but looks up when Tyler walks in.

“ Hey Ty “ she greets him and Josh’s eyes fly open in an instant. They dart towards Tyler who walks in hesitantly and he can see that they’re wet. Jenna wasn’t lying when she said he’s been crying,  It shatters his heart for some reason.

“Hey Jen “ he answers and looks down at Josh who looks away “ Hey, Josh “ the brown eyes dart back to him and they sparkle with happiness.

“ Hey “ the boy answers and smiles.

„ Jen, I’ll finish up here, you can go have some rest “ Tyler says and sees Jenna’s face lit up

“ Oh thanks, Ty  “ she leaves the tools on the bed and gets up from the stool placed right beside it. “ I cleaned most of the wounds on his back, but there are some older ones on his legs which look infected “ she informs him while taking off her gloves and throwing them into the trashcan.

“ Okay, I’ll check them out “ Tyler says and Jenna walks out, waving goodbye to Josh and patting Tyler on the shoulder. Silence falls inside the room where the boy lays still on the bed with his shirt lift up all the way to his armpits so that there’s access to his back.   Tyler panics for a second, because he has no clue what to say, whether to apologize or act like nothing happened, but when he opens his mouth to speak Josh does the same thing

“ I’m sorry I walked out on you like that-- “  Tyler tries to say, but Josh says “ I’m sorry if I went too far …” at the same time and they both shut up and smile awkwardly.

“Sorry “ Josh mutters and looks up “ You can go on “ he says and Tyler takes a deep breath to will his mouth to work.

“ No, I’m sorry… I mean the way I left last time was really dumb and inappropriate. You didn’t do anything to make me angry, really “

„R-really ? “ Josh stumbles over his words ,but his eyes reflect hopefulness and joy. It makes Tyler smile , because nobody has ever been so happy to talk to him and it feels really nice for once.

“ Yeah, I have no reason to be mad at you … I’m just a really rude and unsociable guy , that’s all “ Tyler says and smiles at the way Josh shakes his head enthusiastically.

“ You were really kind to me, you weren’t rude.  I thought I crossed some kind of line when I asked you to play something of yours, cause these kind of things are pretty personal so … “ he trails off and looks anywhere but Tyler.

“ Nah, I just got a bit overwhelmed cause I haven’t played this song to anyone else before which was totally not your fault “

“ Yeah, but you didn’t show up yesterday and I thought … “ 

“ Sorry. I had to take a day off , cause I was really tired. I didn’t know you’d get so worried “

“Sorry “ Josh mutters and wipes his eyes which has watered again.

“ Are you crying ? “ Tyler asks, alarmed by the wetness of those deep brown eyes.

“ I’m just really happy you’re back and not mad at me, that’s all “ and hell that makes Tyler walk to Josh’s bed and sit down.

“ I’m happy to be back too.  I don’t really have many friends and the only people who can stand me are my patients. Mostly cause they have no other choice “ Tyler jokes and laughs which makes Josh laugh too, but he shakes his head again

“You’re a pretty cool guy, Tyler “ Josh says and it’s not sarcastic or mean or in a jokey way. The brown haired boy really means it and that makes Tyler smile again.

“ Well I can say the same about you too “ it’s nice to talk to someone without feeling pressured or threatened all the time. Josh is easy to talk and he radiates honesty and kindness. It makes Tyler want to never stop talking to the boy. Unfortunately he has things to do so he pats Josh on the shoulder and stands up from his bed.  „ I should finish up with your back, you’re probably cold “ he adds and Josh smiles, shaking his head.

“ I’ve survived a lot colder than this “ it’s meant as a joke , but it makes Tyler’s heart hurt for a second. He can’t imagine what it’s like sleeping outside in temperatures below zero.

“ Yeah I  bet you have “ he says and walks behind Josh to sit on the stool Jenna left there. Half of his back looks pretty bad, with his skin peeled off and looking raw. They can’t stitch it so it has to heal on its own. All Tyler can do is apply some cream and re-bandage Josh. “ So .. How long have you been living out on the streets? “ he asks, feeling both curious and apprehensive about knowing the whole truth. Tyler has always thought it’s better not to know , but in this case the curiosity wins over fear.

“ 6 years, maybe 7… I don’t remember how old I was when I ran away from the group home “ Josh answers and flinches when Tyler touches his back with a gloved hand.

“ Why did you run away ? I mean was it worse than living on the street? “

Josh stays quiet for a while and hisses when Tyler applies some cream on his badly irritated skin.

“ I was moved a lot from one group home to another. Some of them are not that bad, but … “ Josh stays quiet for a few seconds again, either from being in pain or wondering what to say.  “ The last one was pretty awful. I wouldn’t go back there “

“ Did they treat you badly there ? “ Tyler asks carefully, feeling like he’s getting into a very personal topic Josh might not want to talk about.

“ Not the staff, but the other kids, yeah. Most of them were older than me, almost all of them actually. “

“ Why didn’t you tell the care workers ?  Did you complain to someone ? “ 

“ I did once and ended up with a broken leg’n stiff “  Josh mumbles to himself and Tyler gets it without further explanation. Josh got abused, complained about it to the staff and they punished him for it.  It’s one of the scariest feelings in the world, living with monsters and having no way to protect yourself against them. The helplessness a human being can feel in this type of situation can drive anyone to the edge of desperation. Tyler knows.

“ So you ran away to avoid further abuse and ended up on the street “ Tyler concludes and Josh nods, his body shaking with nervous tremors every once in a while.

“ I had nowhere else to go. If I went to a shelter they’d put me back to the group home because I was a minor. I have no family, at least not that I know of. SoI slept under bridges and on bus stations. Ate scrapes from trashcans’n stuff. Begged for a while when there weren’t any other options. “ Josh talks about it like it’s something normal, like it’s an ordinary thing to experience. Being 13 and sleeping under bridges hardly passed for a normal life. He must’ve been so scared and lonely.

 “ Sometimes people stopped and gave me food or a blanket, others asked me why I was on the streets .. I – I’ve met some really good people in my life. I know a good person when I see one “ Josh says and turns his angel eyes towards Tyler who simply can’t hold his gaze and looks down. He blushes and concentrates on Josh’s back which is almost ready with the re-bandaging.  There’s no bitterness in Josh’s eyes and he doesn’t seem angry at the world for the way his life turned out. Tyler can’t understand that. He tries to look into those deep honey colored eyes and find something ugly and nasty in them, but is met with kindness and wisdom of someone who has lived a lot longer than 19 years. 

“ You don’t have any family ? No relatives ? “ Tyler keeps asking and tries to steady his voice which is wavering from emotions.

“ My parents left me in foster care when I was a baby. I don’t even know their names …. I couldn’t possibly know if I have any other relatives. “ Josh says and this time his voice wavers. What kind of people would leave their own child for strangers to take care for ? They literally doomed him for a miserable and unhappy life when they abandoned him.

“ God “ Tyler can’t help but exclaim while his hands pull on Josh’s shirt to roll it back down and cover his exposed upper body. “ That sounds horrible. I mean my parents couldn’t care less about me, but at least they didn’t abandon me. Well yet “ he adds and stand up from the stool.

“ Do you have a home ? “ Josh asks and makes Tyler blink in confusion.

“What do you mean do I have a home ?”

“ I mean I know you probably live somewhere, but … is there a place you can call home ? A place you feel safe and happy and protected ? “ this makes Tyler swallow , his throat suddenly feeling tight and dry. The house he grew up in doesn’t feel like home anymore and hasn’t for years. He knows he’s not welcome there anymore.  The apartment where he stays right now is one dark, sad and empty place where Tyler sleeps and showers, nothing more. It never felt safe or happy. Just a bed where he could sleep for the night. He realizes that he doesn’t have a home and Josh’s question hurts him a lot more than he would admit. He’s just as homeless as the boy in front of him, the only difference is that he’s not _houseless._

“ No “ Tyler says, and turns towards the window to hide the tears that no doubt have filled his eyes. “ I don’t have a home “ he adds quietly.

“ Then we’re not so different after all “ Josh says and smiles a bitter and sad smile that hits Tyler hard. “ Just because you have a place to stay doesn’t mean you’re happy or content , right ? Having a place to stay doesn’t make you less homeless “ and God Tyler feels so overwhelmed with emotions he can’t say a word, afraid he’ll burst out crying. How can this boy understand him so well ? How is it that he can’t even read, but understands life better than people like Tyler who has been studying most of his life, but hasn’t learned anything?

“ I’m sorry If I upset you again “ Josh’s voice draws Tyler out of his head where he got lost for a second. “

“ No, no “ Tyler says and wipes his eyes, turning towards Josh who looks at him with his sad angel eyes and blinks back tears himself. “ I just had a rough year and everything in my life is a complete mess at the moment “

“ Do you want to talk about it  ? “ Josh suggest and pats the space on the bed next to him “ Sometimes it helps “

“ Thanks, but .. I don’t really have time right now. Maybe tonight , night shifts are always less busy “ Tyler says even though he doubts that he’ll manage to open up to anyone so easily. There’s just something really special about this kid that makes him think that maybe, after all they could become friends.

“ Okay “ Josh says, followed by a soft smile and a soft look that almost makes Tyler melt.

“ Jenna said something about your legs. Do you have wounds there ? Can you show me ? “ he changes the subject and Josh’s face falls a little.

“ Y-yeah. Okay “ he says and slowly drags the blanket down his legs and exposes his thighs. There are a couple of wounds that look pretty red and raw and Jenna was definitely right – they are infected.

“ What happened ? “ Tyler asks, taking a closer look.

“ A dog attacked me “ Josh says and shudders visibly.

“ A stray dog ? “ that could mean rabies which is extremely dangerous.

“ No “

“ Why did It attack you if it wasn’t a stray dog ? “

“ The dog’s owner has a store and I was hanging around it to look for food’n stuff. He told me to piss off, but I didn’t because I was hungry and I knew he’d throw out still eatable things.  So the guy got angry because I didn’t leave and hounded the dog on me “ Tyler listens to the story and feels his blood boil. So what if Josh was hanging around his store ? He wasn’t stealing from the guy , he was just gathering leftovers …. Jesus , some people are complete assholes.

“ Fuck that guy “ Tyler says and sees Josh giggle “ What ? “

“ Nothing “ Josh answers, but giggles some more “ It’s just …. really cute when you swear “

Cute ? Somebody thinks Tyler is cute ?

“ Shut up “ he says, but it doesn’t come out mean or harsh. They both smile and Tyler notices how relaxed he feels when Josh is around him. It’s nice. He hasn’t talked to anyone for so long in a while and it feels pretty good.

“ Okay, can you lift your legs a little ? I need to clean these wounds and bandage them as well. “ Tyler says after a short pause. Josh complies, folding both legs in the knees. “ Do you have other bite wounds anywhere else ? “

“ On my back, but I already had those stitched. “

“ No wounds on your arms ? Didn’t you protect yourself ? “   Josh stays quiet at that which is an answer enough for Tyler. “ This is going to sting a little, but I’ll be as gentle as possible”

Tyler tries to be as careful as he can be, but the wounds are in a pretty bad state already and cause Josh a lot of pain.  He sprays them with a painkilling spray and bandages them carefully, standing up when he’s done.

“Are you doing alright? “ he asks when he sees how sweaty Josh’s forehead is.

“ Y-yeah “

“ Okay. I have to go for now, but you can call me anytime by pressing this button okay ? “ Tyler says and shows the said button right above Josh’s head. | I’ll be back to give you more painkillers and check how you’re doing.  Okay ? “

“ Okay. Thanks “ they both smile and Tyler pats him on the shoulder before standing up “ You’ll be fine , don’t worry “ he says and Josh looks up at him , all of the stars and universes spinning in his brown eyes.

Tyler can’t wait to go see Brendon and find out whether the other man has managed to arrange things for Josh’s funding.  He wants it to work now more than ever, he wants to help Josh so badly it scares him. The boy is making him feel and for the first time in years that’s not a bad thing at all. And all of those years Tyler thought he wanted to disappear, but in reality all he really wanted was to be found.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think ? Too slow ? Too vague ? It will really help the story to know what you guys think :))


	10. 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had something completely different planned for this chapter, but then this happened
> 
> There's brief dub-con towards the end of this chapter, just heads up. It's not graphic or anything , but it's mentioned.

_Three years ago_

The freezing wind makes Josh duck his head lower and bury his chin in the already wet fabric of his jacket. It’s cold, the snow has been falling for days now and his feet are so freezing he can barely walk. His shoes are so worn out it’s a miracle they’re still in one piece. Josh makes a mental note to look for a fresher pair, thrown away by someone who can afford to buy new shoes. Josh has never bought himself clothes or shoes. He doesn’t know how that feels, to wear something that hasn’t been worn before, something with no holes or tears.  He doesn’t mind though. Having torn shoes is better than no shoes at all.  There’s this kid who’s spent the entire last winter wrapping clothes around his feet because he had nothing else to wear.  He lost 3 fingers to frostbites. Josh shudders at that thought.

It’s been an awful day for Josh. Awful days are usually days when there isn’t anything to eat and the cold is especially brutal.  He has been walking around most of the day, looking for something to eat, but instead of food he catches a cold.  His chest hurts from how badly he’s been coughing all day and his legs are so weak he’s about to fall down to the ground any moment. There’s probably fever too, but Josh tries not to think about that. It could have been worse. Hell he’s seen worse. Today isn’t great, but it’s not the worst too, so he tries to focus on that thought.

He probably shouldn’t have thought about that. Because the moment he decides that things aren’t so bad he stumbles onto a heart stopping sight. On the ground, next to his makeshift shelter made from old blankets and boxes there’s a young kid, a little bit younger than him who looks like he’s dead or about to die.  Josh recognizes him as Justin, a homeless boy he befriended a little while ago who’s sharing the same fate like him – left for adoption by his parents at a young age, but not adopted and left to be handled by the system.  The system didn’t handle him very well as it seems, because the kid has become a criminal at a very young age and has been stealing to get by. Josh knows that and he honestly doesn’t blame Justin for what he does. Everyone is doing whatever they can to survive.  Some steal, others sell their bodies or drugs. Josh has never stolen anything in his life, even though he’s been very close to doing it before.  But he knows how much it hurts when you haven’t eaten in a week and how anything seems like a good idea when you’re painfully hungry. Even stealing.

Justin hasn’t been around for months so his presence surprises Josh.  The boy is sitting on the snow covered ground, right next to Josh’s shelter and doesn’t seem too well. He’s holding his stomach with both hands and looks as pale as the snow around him.  When Josh gets closer he can see the blood that covers Justin’s hands where they clutch at his stomach.

Josh rushes towards him,  scared by the sight of blood and the paleness of his friend’s face. He’s patched his friend before, when the other boy got into trouble , but this time it looked a lot more serious than any other time.

“ Justin? “ Josh asks when he gets near enough for the other boy to hear him “ Justin ? Hey, are you okay ? “ he ducks in front of Justin who flinches back and starts shaking.

“Hey, it’s Josh, it’s okay ? “ Justin looks up with huge terrified eyes and stares at Josh who starts panicking. Something really bad must’ve happened to get Justin so terrified.

“ Josh ? “

“Yeah it’s me, hey “ Josh smiles and tries to look cheerful for the other boy’s sake. “ What happened ? Are you hurt ?  “ it’s pretty obvious that he’s hurt , judging by the blood that stains Justin’s jacket.

“ I’m in trouble, J “  the boy barely says and looks up. His cheeks are stained with tears and he’s on the verge of crying again. This makes Josh’s heart clench with worry and sadness. He hates seeing people cry.

“ What happened ? Who hurt you like this ? “ Justin coughs and folds in on himself from the pain that causes him.

“ I- I was in this gas station , looking for something to eat “ Justin starts, but coughs again and groans “ I’ve been there before and never got trouble. B-but this time they had CCTV installed and the clerk   saw me “ while listening to his friend talk, Josh tries to look him over and evaluate how bad the situation really is. “ S-so he came to me with this club in hands and told me to leave whatever I stolen and piss off… b-but I haven’t eaten anything in days and .. I was so hungry I didn’t want to give him the chips back so .. “ the boy shuts up for a moment and looks up at Josh with scared and fearful eyes “ So I whipped this knife out and said I just want to leave ya know ? Don’t want any trouble n’stuff “ the mention of a knife makes Josh’s heart fill with fear. Justin didn’t hurt someone did he ?

“ Did you hurt someone ? “  Josh asks, but Justin shakes his head franticly and babbles “ No, no I didn’t want to hurt anyone, the knife was just for self-defense “

“ So what happened ? How did you end up getting hurt ? “

“ Well we struggled … and he tried to take my knife, but I pushed him to the ground and …. “ Justin coughs, clutching his stomach tighter “ … and I don’t even know how it happened, but he managed to take thee knife out of my hand and …  “ his voice shakes so much Josh can barely understand what Justin is saying, but it’s enough to make his heart race like crazy.

“ Did he stab you ? How bad is it ? Justin ? “ Josh moves even closer and frames the other boy’s face with both hands “ Please talk to me, you’re scaring me “

“ H-he stabbed me in the stomach, b-but I ran away before he managed to do anything else. I guess he was shocked by the blood and stuff “

„ Oh Gosh “ Josh says and tries to stop his hands from shaking. Stabbed in the stomach …  a runaway kid with criminal record, who just tried to steal food from gas station. Going to the hospital was absolutely out of the question.  They’ll report it and Justin will be back in the system, probably in one of those correctional facilities for troubled youth. That’s the last thing that’s going to help a kid like him, Josh knows that pretty well. You don’t get help when you end up in a place like that. It only gets worse for you. “  He stabbed you ? Oh man “ Josh tries to stay calm ,but …. How ?

“ I don’t know how bad it is, I was scared to look “ Justin slowly unfolds from his hunched over position and groans loudly “ Can you please take a look ? Please Josh, I have nobody else to turn to man, please “  Josh nods, even though this is the last thing on Earth he wants to do right now. He hates blood and by the looks of it there’s plenty of it.  But Justin is 15 and stabbed and probably scared out of his mind, Josh can’t just leave him.

“ Okay .. just … prop yourself on the wall behind you okay ? I need you to relax “ Justin nods and relaxes back against the cold bricks  , wincing . Josh takes a deep breath and leans in, undoing the bloody jacket and feels his breath freeze in his own lungs.

The wound doesn’t look too deep, but it’s bleeding and looks pretty red and raw. It stretches from his hip all the way underneath his ribs and looks pretty painful and serious enough to need stitches and antiseptic. They have neither.

„ Оkay …. It’s not that bad “ Josh says with shaking voice and tries not to show how concerned he is. If they leave the wound like this it’s going to get infected. Having infection on the streets equals death sentence. Very slow and painful death.  “ It’s not too deep, so it shouldn’t have damaged any vital organs  “ Josh says, trying to calm Justin down a little “ But you need to get bandaged cause you’re still bleeding. “

“ Oh man … Josh… oh man “ the kid says with tiny and scared voice “ w-we don’t have any supplies, what am I going to do ? Am I going to die ? “  Josh tries to stay calm and not give into the panic that fills his insides, but it’s hard. Justin looks pale and his eyes lose focus as time goes by which sobers Josh and makes him take off his own jacket.

“ Here, put this on “ he says and wraps the worn out cloth around Justin’s shoulders “  You can lie down in my box, it’s a bit warmer there “ Justin looks up at him and shakes his head

“ N-no, I don’t want to move, what if I bleed more “

“ You need to stay warm okay ? Wrap yourself up with my jacket and stay inside “ Justin babbles something in return, but Josh is already pulling him towards the cardboard box shelter with some piled up clothes inside.

“ Press on the wound okay ?  I’ll be back as fast as I can “ Josh says and gets up once the other boy is settled inside the already wet box.

“W-where are you going ? “ Justin looks so scared it makes Josh feel homesick and sad. This 15 year old boy is all alone and has nobody to turn to. He thinks he’s dying and there’s nobody to stay with him and make sure he’s not scared or lonely. He _could die_  and nobody would even know.  This brings tears to Josh’s eyes.

“ I need to find you medicine and something to bandage up the wound.  “

“ No !! “ Justin almost scrams and grabs Josh’s sleeve with white fingers “ Please don’t leave me, J ! Please, I don’t want to be alone ! I don’t want to die “  Josh leans in and hugs the crying boy as carefully as he can, barely holding back his own tears.  He’s scared to leave Justin like this, but what choice does he have? If he stays here and doesn’t find supplies Justin could bleed to death or catch a bad infection.  He needs to do something  and he needs to do it fast. 

“ I have to, I’m sorry “ he keeps hugging Justin and feels the other boy shake in his arms.  “ You need medicine, this won’t pass by itself. I’ll be back as soon as I can,  I promise “ Justin doesn’t answer him and Josh carefully  lays him back against the wall. “ Just keep putting pressure on the wound and you’ll be fine “

Josh gets up and throws Justin one last glance before taking off.  He looks weak and terribly pale which scares Josh so much he almost runs down the street towards the nearest pharmacy.  He has absolutely no plan and no idea how to get the medical supplies he needs, since he’s completely broke and has like 2 dollars, but he knows he’ll do anything to help his friend.  They can’t go to the hospital because they’re both minors and on the run.  Although Josh does keep that in mind as a last resort,  because he won’t let Justin die just because he doesn’t want to go back to the group home he ran away from. 

The pharmacy is luckily still opened, even though its near 10 pm.  Josh walks in and looks around, seeing nobody else inside but the woman behind the counter. His anxiety flares up and makes his throat go dry and cheeks painted red. He’s always been shy and socially awkward and right now neither of those things is helping his already difficult situation.

“ Hello “ he says when the woman’s eyes land on him. She looks him over and says “Hello “ back, sending him a couple of suspicious glances.  He probably doesn’t look very presentable right now, but that’s the least of his problems.

“ How can I help you ? “ she asks and Josh feels his cheeks get even hotter.

“ um ….. I .. my friend got into a fight and he … um … he got hurt “  Josh is stuttering and looking anywhere but the woman in front of him. He only realizes how the whole thing sounds from aside when he says it and instantly feels scared that the woman will call the police or something like that.

„Did you call an ambulance ? How badly is he hurt ? “ the woman looks more alert now

“ It’s not too bad, but he’s bleeding and I can’t call an ambulance , because we’re … I’m sorry, I just can’t take him to the hospital right now “ Josh stutters and sees the woman’s eyes get a little bit softer “ I need help , because he’s not doing well, he looks pale and ...and I just don’t know what to do “ it’s a miracle he hasn’t started crying by now , but he’s close enough.  It won’t take much for him to fall down on his knees and beg her for the medicine.

“ Oh my , that sounds serious “ she answers with worried expression “ You need to take him to the hospital, if he’s bleeding a lot it could lead to severe blood loss and death.. Where is he now ? “

“ He’s um … a couple of blocks away “ Josh says as vague as possible.

“ Is he at his house ? Is there someone with him ? “ the woman keeps asking, her eyes full of worry

“ Um .. we both don’t have a home “ Josh says quietly and feels the pity in her eyes without looking into them.

“ Are you both minors ? “ she asks, already knowing the answer.

“ Yes… just please don’t call the police,  please they’ll take us away “  Josh pleads and feels his hands shake harder at that thought “

“ Your friend could be in very serious danger. Do you understand that ?

“I do, I do , I swear. Please don’t call the cops on us “

“ I won’t , but you need to take him to a real doctor. “ Josh exhales with relief “ How exactly is your friend injured ? “

“ He was stabbed… I don’t know how bad it is, but he was bleeding and looked pale and … I just need something to bandage his wound so he won’t bleed too much “

“ You will need bandages, antiseptic cream and some painkillers. That’s the basics, just to make sure his wound won’t get infected, but you _need_ to take him to a doctor, do you understand? “

“ Yes, okay, I promise”  Josh says which is probably a lie but he is willing to say anything at the moment, just to get what he needs.

“ It will cost you about 25 dollars “ she says and Josh’s hear skips a few beats. He’s never owned that kind of money. How is he going to find it now?

“ I don’t have that kind of money “ he says honestly and looks down at his worn out shoes.  “ I can’t afford that “

“ Well I’m sorry, but this pharmacy is not a charity. I can’t give away medical supplies just like that “ she doesn’t sound angry, but her voice shows Josh that she’s not willing to give anything away for free. He’ll have to figure out a way to get that money and it has to be fast.

“ Can I come back later ? “ Josh asks, an awful sinking feeling freezing his stomach. There’s only one way to earn money within an hour or so on the streets and just thinking about it makes his insides churn with disgust.

“ I’m closing in about two hours and a half. Come back with the money and I’ll give you the things you need. And make sure your friend does see a doctor. “

“ Thank you “ Josh says and walks out in the freezing air with a spinning head and a heart full of heavy dread.  He keeps walking, head down and body stiff from the cold. Without thinking too much he walks down to the busy street and stops in front of a small and dirty looking bar. He knows what kind of people go to bars like this one and those kind of people is exactly what he needs at the moment in order to pay for Justin’s medical supplies.  It makes him sick thinking about it so he doesn’t. There’s not much to think about anyway. He’ll do this for his friend, because he has no other choice and nobody to help him. He’d never do it for himself, btut when it comes to other people Josh just can’t stand there and do nothing. 

Standing in one place at the mercy of the freezing wind is a real challenge for Josh’s power of will. It takes all of his self-control not to curl up into a ball and find some quiet and dry place to just lie down and hide from the world. It’s cold and Josh is scared , because both options sound terrifying. If nobody stops Justin is doomed to die a very slow and painful death.  If somebody does pull over …. Well Josh tries not to think of what will follow. It makes him want to run, but he holds his ground and braces himself against the cold wind and the fear of what will happen to him next.

It takes about 30 minutes of standing on the busy road for someone to pull over and roll down their window. The guy inside the car looks exactly like the type of people Josh would never want near him ever. There’s something very cruel in his gaze and the way he looks at Josh like he’s some kind of trash.

“ Ya looking for company pretty boy ? “ the man says and Josh wants to run so much it takes his entire willpower not to take off with full speed.

“ Yeah “ he answers and the car door pops opened a second later.

“ Hop in then “ the guy says and smirks. Josh stands there for a couple of terrifying seconds, torn between the desire to run away from this sadistic looking guy and the need to help Justin who's bleeding in his cardboard box right now.

He lets out a couple of shuddering breaths and takes the step that separates him from the car.

The car ride is short and ends in a dark and deserted looking street with a dead end. The fear of being raped or even murdered grows as he looks around and sees no lights and no other cars.  The guy next to him moves around to face Josh and whips out a wallet.

“ Is 40 good ? “ he asks and drags two “twenties” out which makes Josh swallow hard and stare at the bills.  With this money he can buy the medical supplies they need and even get something to eat , that’s not straight out of a dumpster.  Justin needs food and warmth right now and Josh decides there’s no other way to help his friend but to go ahead and do this.

“ Yeah, they’re good “ Josh says with raspy voice, but wills it not to shake too much. He doesn’t want to give away how scared he is. Some men like their “prey” quivering and shaking with fear. Josh doesn’t want to give this man that kind of satisfaction.

The guy nods and leaves the money on the dashboard . He gets out of the car which leaves Josh wondering where the hell are they going to fuck ? They’re pretty much in the middle of nowhere and the car is too small for them to fit. His question is answered when his door is being opened as well and the guy grabs him by the shirt and almost drags him out. He stumbles out and barely finds his balance when a strong push to his back plasters his chest to the side of the car.

“ You look pretty delicious  “ the guy says into his ear and licks at it making Josh pull away out of instinct. The air outside is freezing and all he wants is to be somewhere far away from here , somewhere soft and warm. “ How old are you ? You’re little slut aren’t you ? “ he keeps going and makes Josh feel even more sick. He doesn’t want to be here. He doesn’t want to do this. He doesn’t want any of it. But what choice does he have?

“ I asked you a question, slut “  the man pulls at his hair and makes Josh yelp quietly.

“ I’m 18 “ he lies, because if he admits to being 16 the man might not want to have sex with him, cause he’s a minor and all that. 

The hand in his hair doesn’t let up and pulls pretty hard,  dragging Josh towards the trunk where’s he’s being bent over and pressed to the freezing car‘s surface.

“ Are you gonna take your pants off or do you want me to do all the job here ? “ the guy asks and sounds angry which prompts Josh to undo his belt and the buttons of his jeans with shaking hands. Undressing in this kind of cold is terrible and the fear of what’s about to happen makes everything 100 times worse. If he survives this, Josh thinks to himself when he hears a zipper being undone, he will never do this again. Ever.

Josh tells himself that at least a thousand times through the next couple of hours , which could be the worst couple of hours of his life, especially when the guy throws the two bills at him when they’re done and tells him that if he can’t take a fucking he better not waste his time again.  Then he takes off and leaves the shaking and hurting boy on his own, in the middle of nowhere and with barely any idea where he is.

It takes Josh about 2 hours to find his way back to the pharmacy which is still miraculously opened  and he limps inside , clutching the two “20 dollar” bills in his hands.  He barely holds himself upright, but he pulls his shit together, because if he passes out someone will definitely call an ambulance which is not good.

He probably looked pretty bad because the woman hurried to find him the supplies and didn’t ask many questions , besides whether he needs some kind of medicine as well.

“ No, they’re all for my friend “ he answers and takes the little plastic bag in both hands when the woman gives it to him.

“ I did put some extra bandages and Peroxide for your friend that I won’t charge you for “ she says when Josh pays her 28 dollars.  “ I’m sorry I can’t help you more, but … please come by tomorrow or the next few days to let me know how your friend is doing ? “ this almost makes Josh cry, because little gestures like this one never fails to make him feel emotional and so grateful.

“ Thank you so much “ Josh says , but fails to hide the tears that burn his eyes. He wishes someone could help him too, so he didn’t have to do things like this in order to survive, but he has no one.  “ I’m sorry for the trouble, I honestly didn’t meant to cause you any “ he says and wipes his eyes, desperately wishing he wasn’t  such a crybaby. He never cries when someone is rude or hurtful to him, but he can’t stand the kindness , it’s so much more difficult.

“ It’s okay, you were no trouble. And please come by again if you need anything. Or if you want to warm up “ she smiles at him and Josh smiles back, thanking her again and then leaving .

He rushes as much as his aching body allows him to the place where his makeshift shelter rests against a building’s wall in a deserted alley.  He stops by at a drive through to buy Justin something to eat and some water in case he’s thirsty.  When he finally finds his way back Justin is right where Josh left him, propped against the wall with both hands on his side. There’s more blood than he can remember seeing before he left and Justin doesn’t look like he’s awake.

“ Justin ? Hey, wake up “ Josh ducks down and shakes the other boy’s shoulder.

Justin blinks awake a couple of seconds later, but his eyes look even more unfocused than before. 

“ Hey, It’s Josh, I’m back with the stuff we need to wrap your wound “ Josh says and pats his shoulder in attempt to calm him down. “ Just let me take a look at the wound “

Justin seems pretty much out of it and doesn’t struggle when Josh lifts his shirt and checks out the wound. It’s still bleeding slightly and looks pretty painful.

“ Hey, Justin “ Josh shakes him a little again to draw his attention “ I ‘ll have to clean the wound so it’s gonna hurt, but it will get better , I promise “ he tries to sound confident, but the truth is that he’s scared and not exactly sure what he’s doing. Justin doesn’t answer back which scares Josh so he gets to it as fast as he can with his shaking fingers.

Thankfully the bandage helps to stop the bleeding, but Justin still looks deadly pale and shakes pretty hard. He doesn’t speak and generally doesn’t make any sounds, but his eyes stay mostly open which gives Josh some comfort. When they’re done, the older boy takes out the food he bought earlier and unwraps it from its package. There are chicken wings, chips and cheese that smell so heavenly Josh can barely hold his own drool back.

He carefully feeds the other boy, hoping that the food will give him the much needed strength to get over the blood loss and the weakness that’s no doubt to follow. Josh doesn’t eat, because he’s still too sick and feels disgusting, but throwing up precious food isn’t an option so he wraps the leftovers back into the plastic bags and tucks it underneath the blankets.

Justin gains back some color after he eats and Josh snuggles up with him inside the cardboard box to keep himself and the other boy warm during the freezing night.  It has stopped snowing, but the wind still blows, freezing Josh to the bones.  They hug in the tight space, trying to steal as much warmth from each other as they can.  The pain in his body doesn’t go away for the rest of the night, but the thought of having stashed food and a couple of dollars in his pocket makes things a little bit easier to bear.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was awful and I'm sorry. I've been struggling with thinking straight and writing since my Epilepsy diagnosis so apologies if this chapter came out weird or messy
> 
> There will be glimpses of Tyler's past as well in the next chapters so gear up for some more pain :))))))


	11. 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I listened to Take Me Home by Jess Glynne and made myself cry.
> 
> I was thinking about making a playlist for this fic, since a lot of songs has inspired me to write. Let me know if you're maybe interested ?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm uploading this chapter again , because it came out all kinds of messy yesterday. Apologies to everyone who read it and got confused ❤ i blame my bad internet connection :) 
> 
> Just a sad little chapter I wrote when I felt especially sad , enjoy

 

Tyler walks into the cafeteria at lunch break, seeing both Jenna and Brendon sitting at a table together and talking. When they see Tyler they both smile and gesture for him to come and sit down next to them.

" You two seem happy " Tyler notices and feeps pretty excited himself " What's going on ?"

" I talked to our head of administration and ... We have green light for Josh's funding " Brendon announces while Jenna claps her hands with excitement. "

“ That’s amazing ! “ Tyler says, not even trying to hide the excitement in his voice “ So we can start the donation campaign ? “

“Yeah. I talked to the social services and they confirmed that Josh has been under their supervision until 6 years ago when he ran away from the group home. He’s been adopted twice, once when he was still a baby and a second time when he was 7. “

“ He was adopted twice ? How is that even possible ? And he still ended up In a group home even after somebody adopted him ? “

“ His first parents … well .. they abused him and the system took him back when the services found out about it. “  Brendon says and Tyler feels a rock get stuck in his air ways. Josh was still a baby when he was first adopted and his so called parents mistreated him instead of giving him family and loving home. “ His second parents adopted him after having trouble making a child of their own, for medical reason mostly. He lived with them for a year and then the woman managed to get pregnant and … “ Brendon sighted and shook his head “ then they started treating him badly too. There’s a report saying that after their baby was born he regularly got locked up in the basement for days and left with no food or water. They chained him up like an animal , Tyler. I can’t even imagine how could someone do this to a 7 year old child “ Brendon looks so upset Tyler’s afraid he’ll start crying , but at the same he understands his friend. Tyler is upset himself, but he’s also very  _very_  angry. He wants to find those people and chain them up outside so they can freeze in the snow like Josh has been freezing for so many years.

“ Josh ran away  from them, but the police found him a couple of weeks later sleeping at a bus station. The report says that they took him back to his adoptive parents, but … they said they didn’t want him back. They left Josh at the police station without looking back, so he was put into another group home. “

“ Man, this kid had a hell of a life , huh ? “ Tyler says, taking a sip of his coffee. He feels the need to go upstairs into Josh’s room and give him a warm hug. The boy definitely hasn’t been hugged a lot throughout his life and that makes Tyler feel sad.

“ Yeah well that’s not everything. There’s more “ Brendon says and flips the record in his hand “ They put him into another group home after his adoptive parents dumped him , but he tried running away from there too, taking his sister with him “ ...sister ? Josh never mentioned anything about a sister.

“ He has a sister ? “ Tyler can’t help but ask

“ The record says so , yes. She’s 3 years younger than him and hasn’t been adopted. They ran away a couple of times, but the police brought them back each time. When Josh is 13 and she’s 10 they run away again and this time nobody can find them. Neither of them has criminal record or has been marked as problem children.  I looked through Josh’s record and saw this “ he takes out a piece of paper and shows it to Tyler who feels another pang of sadness being born in his chest.  After Josh’s name there are a couple of words written and Tyler reads them a couple of times “ _Joshua William Dun – possibly autistic, has problems learning new things and communicating with other kids”_

“ He can’t read “ Tyler says to himself but it comes out loud and both Brendon and Jenna look at him.  “Fuck” he says and puts the paper down on the table.

" This kid has been dealt some pretty rough hand, Ty. I mean he literally walked out in front of a car, this should mean something. " 

"Yeah, it means he has nothing to lose " Tyler says and sighs. He knows that feeling. That kind of pain is only known by people who lost everything that has meaning in their lives. 

" Ty, you know you're doing something really good here, right ? This kid is just 19  , but he's already so desperate and hopeless he's willing to walk out in front of a car just to change something about his life. I doubt that anyone has ever done something like this for him"

" Don't tell him I did this " Tyler rushes to say " Brendon, don't tell him this was my idea, okay ? I don't want him feeling like he owes me something " if he's going to do this, he wants it anonymously. That way Josh will be grateful to the people who donated instead of him because he was the one who initiated the idea.  It's easier that way.

" But why ? I mean you're doing something amazing here. You're literally saving his life " 

" Yeah well I;m not doing it for his gratefulness okay ? Besides I haven't really done much, Bren, it might not even work. " 

" Why are you always like this, huh ? Why can't you ever admit that you're a good person who does good things ? " Brendon says and Jenna nods in agreement. 

" Think what you want, but don't tell Josh about this okay ? If we're doing this I don't want Josh to know I started this." 

" Fine, but I think he has the right to know who saved his life " Jenna says , but she looks happy " I'm really glad we're doing this. And I'm really glad  _you're_ doing this " she touches Tyler's hand for a second and lets go " I've always told you that you've got a big heart Tyler. I always knew that " 

" Thanks for your help, guys " Tyler says and both his friends nod. 

" Josh deserves to get help. It's unfair how he got robbed of everything normal people take for granted , like home and а normal life. If we can do something to help, we definitely should " Jenna says 

" Yeah, I'm glad we're doing this too " Brendon says and finishes his lunch " I'm pretty sure we're doing the right thing here " 

Tyler's pretty sure too, because it does feel right. The last time something felt this right was when he called the police a little bit over a year ago and told them what his so called boyfriend was doing to him. Tyler should’ve done that years ago, but he never found the bravery to stand against that monster. It was one of the few things he’d done right in his entire 26 years of life and helping Josh was another good thing, Tyler knew it. He had to do it.

In the beginning Tyler thought it would be difficult for him to help Josh and take care of him, but in reality it comes out naturally.  Josh is easy going and very kind hearted, which makes communicating with him natural and pleasant.  Tyler finds himself excited every time he has to go to Josh’s room for one thing or another and going to work becomes something more than just a dull job. For the first time in years he has something to wake up for, something that makes his life a little bit more meaningful.

And the gratefulness that radiates from the younger boy makes things 100 times more satisfying and makes Tyler feel like he’s doing something good. Josh slowly becomes more opened and less shy around people, especially around Tyler and Jenna. By the end of the week Tyler spends more time in Josh’s room than the resting room where he usually stays when there isn’t much to do. 

It’s the last day of Josh’s planned stay and Tyler is nervous, because they don’t quite have the money for his treatment yet, but they’re almost there and only need a couple more hundreds. Jenna, Dallon, Brendon and a couple of paramedics who treated Josh before help out with the money and Tyler calls his parents as a last resort to get the rest of them. The conversation is anything but pleasant and Tyler honestly doesn’t expect anything else. He’s been on the rocks with his parents since running away from home and doesn’t talk to them too much, but he knows that they feel guilty for leaving him when he needed help and plans on using it against them. This doesn’t feel right, but it’s for a good cause which gives him enough reason to do it. 

His father sends him money and Tyler feels like he can jump with happiness when he counts the final amount which turns out enough to pay for another couple of weeks of rehabilitation that Josh needs so badly.  Brendon and Jenna both count the money with him a couple of times, making sure everything is right. Everything is perfect.

Tyler has a night shift which has become his favorite because he spends it talking to Josh in his room or reading him books until the younger boy falls asleep.  He loves the quietness of the hospital and the peace he feels when they both sit in Josh’s bed and talk for hours. It almost feels as good as writing music which is Tyer’s favirote thing in the world and the only thing that managed to stop the voices from torturing him. Now he has Josh and his calming voice, his bright and honest smile and the warmth that radiates from him. It makes him feel safe and peaceful. It makes him feel at home.

Tyler comes into the room with a smile he can’t hide because of the good news, but finds Josh anxious and worried.

“ Hey “ he greets the younger boy who looks up and beams at Tyler in return

“ Hey Ty “ Josh answers and sits up.

“ I wanted to talk to you about something “ Tyler says and sits down at Josh’s bed who makes him room and looks at him with his cat-like eyes.

“ Yeah ? What’s up ? “

“ Are you okay ? You seem worried “ Tyler says, because the other boy’s usually warm eyes look sad and that definitely bothers him.

“ I’m okay , I was just thinking about tomorrow when I’m being discharged from here “  Josh says and looks down “ I won’t be able to see you every day. I’m really gonna miss you “  this makes Tyler blink a couple of times and clear his throat. He would miss Josh too if he had to leave tomorrow, he would definitely miss him a lot.

“ That’s exactly what I wanted to talk to you about, Josh. You won’t have to leave tomorrow “ Josh looks up and stares at Tyler with confusion.

“ But … dr. Urie told me that the hospital can’t keep me longer than a week and it’s already been a week so .. “

“ Yeah, but It turns out that you can stay for the rest of your treatment. I talked to Brendon yesterday and he told me you’re good to stay for another couple of weeks “ Tyler lies, but he can’t possibly tell Josh that he was the one who organized everything,

“ But … how ? I can’t pay for my treatment. And there isn’t anyone who can pay for me “ Josh says, but he looks hopeful and his eyes are no longer so unbearably sad.

“ The hospital will pay for your treatment, don’t worry. I mean it is Christmas soon, I guess this is an early Christmas present “

“ Really ? You’re being honest with me ?? “ Josh looks on the verge of tears when Tyler nods.

“ Oh my Gosh, this is … I don’t even know how to … just thank you. Thank you so much “  Josh gets so emotional Tyler has to hug him and tell him he’s going to be okay. Josh can’t stop thanking him and looks both in disbelief and absolute happiness at the same time. It warms Tyler’s heart. It’s broken and completely torn apart, but the little gestures of gratitude and kindness that Josh keeps showing makes it hurt a little less.

There’s still sadness lingering in Josh’s eyes even after they both quiet down and lay side by side on his bed. It bothers Tyler, because seeing the other boy sad makes him sad as well.

“ Hey “ Tyler draws his attention and Josh immediately smiles a soft smile at him

“ Yeah ? “

“ You still look sad. Is everything alright ? “

“ Yeah, yeah I’m great “ Josh says and throws a glance out of the window where the December snow falls quietly  “ I was just worried about a friend of mine “ he says and keeps staring at the snowflakes.

“ He’s homeless too ? “ Tyler asks and Josh nods slowly

“ Yeah , he’s disabled and has rough time, especially during winter. I usually keep an eye on him to make sure he’s doing okay, but now that I’m here … I’m just worried about him s’all “

“ Oh “ is all that Tyler manages to say. The boy is homeless and barely survives himself but he takes care of someone else. How big is his heart ?

“ Sorry “ Josh says and looks away from the window. Tyler can’t stop wondering why the other boy feels like he has to apologize for everything ?

“ No, it’s okay… I was just.. you know, I didn’t know you had friends “

“ I’ve lost most of my friends “ Josh says and his voice breaks mid-sentence

“Lost ? “

“ Yeah. To drugs. To cold winters. To sadness.. I’ve seen a lot of my friends die and Doc is one of the few I have left.  He used to take care of me before his leg was amputated. We helped each other out. He’s a great person “ Josh looks close to tears when he talks about the friends he lost and his eyes speak even louder than the words that come out of his mouth. It’s true when people say that eyes are the mirror to our souls. Tyler can see everything there, he can read every emotion, every trembling of the other boy’s soul. It’s both scary and amazing.

“ I’m really sorry. “ Tyler says and puts his hand on Josh’s. Josh smiles and wipes his eyes with his free hand

“ I’m sorry for putting this on you. I honestly don’t want to bother you with my problems, you probably have plenty of your own “

“ It’s no bother “ Tyler says and squeezes Josh’s hand. “ Actually I think I could maybe help ?  I mean maybe I could go check on him instead of you “ Tyler surprises himself with these words and Josh looks just as surprised as him.

“ Really ? You would do that ? “

“ I mean … yeah, if your friend is sick and out on the street he could be in serious danger. And … I mean as a nurse I can’t just sit around and do nothing “ it’s not a lie , but the main reason for his sudden desire to help is because he wants to see Josh smile and wipe that sadness out of his eyes.

“ But I don’t want to bother you and … and I feel like this is too much, you’ve already helped me so much and I wouldn’t ask you to do this “ Josh stammers, shaking his head.

“ But you’re not asking me to do anything. I said I would do it right ? Plus, this is what friends are for “ it’s the first time he addresses Josh as a friend, not just a patient and it makes the other boy melt into the bed.

“ We-we’re friends?  “ he asks quietly

“ Yeah, I guess we are “

“ And you’ll find Doc and make sure he’s okay ? “ It comes out so shaky Tyler is sure that Josh will burst out crying any moment.

“ I will. It if makes you feel better, I will “

“ You’re the most amazing person I have ever met “ Josh says and raises Tyler’s hand, putting a gentle kiss on his palm . The gesture is so intimate and gentle Tyler doesn’t know how to react. No one has been so gentle with him, ever. No one has ever put gentle kisses on his hands or looked at him the way Josh does , like the entire world is spinning around him.  It’s confusing and scary and so amazingly good it makes Tyler’s head hurt.

“ I just want to help “ Tyler manages to say “ You and your friend, that’s all “ it’s far from all, but there’s no way he will admit his feelings out loud.

“ It might be difficult though. He could be at a lot of places “

“Doesn’t he have like one place where he sleeps or something? “

“ He does, but he moves around a lot too. He mostly begs for money in his wheelchair, but there’s a lot of places he could be… I don’t want you to spend the night looking for him, Ty. You need sleep too”

“ It’s okay, I don’t feel like sleeping anyway. Just tell me a bunch of places where I can find him and I’ll go look for him. It’s like -15 today , he could freeze to death if he’s sleeping outside “

“ It’s not too much to ask ? I mean it’s pretty cold outside and he could be anywhere “  Josh tries to change his mind, but Tyler is solid about this. If this Doc guy is Josh’s friend he has to make sure he’s okay so Josh would stop worrying

“ Yeah it’s okay, Josh, don’t worry about it.”Josh tells him a couple of places where he thinks Doc might be and Tyler writes them down. The guy is in his 60’s with one leg missing, with blue eyes and grey hair. There’s tattoo on his right arm that says “Joanna” which is something that can help Tyler recognizing him. With all of this information he gets properly dressed, grabs a blanket with him just in case and leaves the warmth of the hospital to look for someone he hasn’t seen before.

It’s something that Tyler from one week ago would have never done.  Going out in the middle of the night to look for a homeless one legged stranger he has never seen before in his life does sound insane.  But it feels right and it will make Josh smile, so Tyler doesn’t even think twice about it.  He walks down the street , determined to fight off the desire to go home and bury himself in his blankets and get drunk or high.  It’s not a way out if a situation. It’s only temporary release from the pain that lives inside his chest and doesn’t help to make it go away. Helping someone who can’t do anything for him in return could maybe help, so Tyler listens to his inner voice and stands his ground,  stubbornly walking down alley after alley, shivering from the cold and looking for the homeless man. 

If fills him with desperation, putting himself in those people’s shoes, trying to imagine not having anywhere to go home to and trying to imagine what it’s like to sleep on the cold ground. Josh must’ve done it hundreds of times before and yet he’s so … soft and kind. Sleeping on the concrete doesn’t make you kind, at least that’s what Tyler has always thought. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe a good heart is craved from misery and pain, from hunger and loneliness and compassion. Tyler has suffered a lot trough his life, but it never made him compassionate, it made him close in on himself and become distanced and bitter. He can read and write, but maybe there are things he can learn from the homeless boy back at the hospital.

The streets are mostly empty and Tyler feels the hope of finding Doc slip away. He could be literally everywhere.  Tyler could spend the entire night looking for him and catch a cold or something. He snorts at how egoistic and selfish that thought sounds.

When he sees a group of homeless people sitting at a curb be rushes towards them and ask if they maybe know something about Doc. It turns out they’ve heard of him and the last place they saw him was down the street by a flower shop where he begged during the day. He didn’t seem in good health and looked like hasn’t eaten anything for days. That makes Tyler worried , so he goes straight to that place and finds the old man there, helpless and small in his wheelchair, looking like he’s not awake.  There’s a sign in his lap, saying “ Please donate money for life saving insulin”  , written in a messy , but beautiful handwriting. he old man must’ve been diabetic, losing his leg to that insidious disease because he couldn’t get his medicine or treatment on time. Tyler sights and stretches a shaky hand to check his pulse. Doc is cold and has no pulse. He’s wearing an old coat that barely kept him warm in these freezing days and nights. How did he survive this long, with only one leg, sick and with nobody to help him ? It probably had a lot to do with Josh and the boy’s kind heart, who must’ve taken care of the old man. Now that Jos h isn’t around there’s nobody to make sure that Doc has eaten today or has a warm place to sleep,

Its honestly the worst kind of death, Tyler thinks to himself , looking at the helpless figure lying in the wheelchair.  Abandoned, cold and unnoticed by the world.  People must’ve walked past him for days, not taking a second glance at the freezing and hungry man. Why didn’t anyone take him to a shelter or something? And how many times did Tyler do this himself? Walked by helpless and sick people on the street without looking back, too busy with his own problems? Damn he hates himself. He has always hated himself , but now it intensifies even more while looking at the devastating sight in front of him.

How is he going to tell Josh that his friend passed away ? The boy will probably blame himself and that makes Tyler feel desperate not to tell him. He can’t stand seeing those warm chocolate eyes sad.  He doesn’t want to see the boy cry. He can’t hurt him that way. If Tyler doesn’t tell him Josh will probably never learn what happened. It sounds wrong, but at the same time seems like the right thing to do. It’s not like Doc can be helped anymore.

Tyler unwraps the blanket he’s been carrying all night and covers Doc with it. It feels like the most human thing he can do, at least cover the man and not let all the passing strangers stare at him in this helpless position. He’ll probably call the paramedics in the morning and tell them to gather his body so it won’t be left abandoned in the middle of the street. Tyler says a silent prayer and hopes that the old man has gone to a better place. He’ll definitely go to heaven, because it looks like he’s spent his life in hell.

The sun is slowly rising by the time Tyler finds his way back to his home, having a couple of hours before he has to cover Dallon’s morning shift and go back to the hospital. The night’s events are still  pretty fresh in his mind while he takes the long flight of stairs all the way to the top of the building and sits down at the edge of the roof.  His hands reach for the notebook hidden in the inside of his jacket pocket and grips the pen with his other hand, dying to pour out everything that’s been piling up inside of his chest.

_How frustrating and so degrading_

_His time, we're wasting_

_As time will fly by and the sky will cry as light is fading_

_And He is waiting, oh so patiently_

_While we repeat the same routine as we will please comfortability_

_Please don't think about why you can't sleep in the evening_

_And please don't be afraid of what your soul is really thinking_

_Your soul knows good and evil, your soul knows both sides_

_And it's time you pick your battle, and I promise you this is mine…_

Tyler keeps writing until he feels tears wetting his face. Everything is too much He feels too much. People die and they rot in the middle of the street and everyone simply _don’t care_. They repeat the same routine to please their compfortability and _look away_. They look away from people like Josh and Doc and so many others just to make themselves feel less guilty, less involved.  They look away and kill people with their indifference.

 Tyler sobs when the sun rises above the grey buildings, unable to hold back anymore. He has felt so much in the past week that he hasn’t felt in the past 12 months all together and it’s scary.  But it’s time he picks his battle and something inside of him whispers that he already has.  Because Josh and his warm eyes and kind heart are _definitely_ worth fighting for.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments always help me out with the stories and knowing what you guys think means a lot to me as a writer.
> 
> I'm pretty sad so I'm just gonna go to bed and feel sad there. Let me know if you liked this chaper, or didn't. Criticism is always great too
> 
> Once again I'm sorry about this chapter. Hopefully you're not too confused :))


	12. 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Longest chapter so far, because I've been feeling some things I need to pour out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep re-reading all of the beautiful comments my last chapter evoked. Thank you all so much for being a part of this story and for showing so much love and support. 
> 
> I've always said that the main reason I write is because I want people to think and I want to make them feel something when they read one of my stories. The fact that I made some of you guys feel honestly means so much to me. I can never thank you enough for the support. |-/

Josh still feels like everything is just a dream when he wakes up and dr. Urie walks in , confirming to him that he’s not going to be discharged that day. It all sounded too good to be true when Tyler told him the evening before that the hospital will cover his treatment, but now it turns out to be all real and not a dream. He has been preparing himself mentally to go back out on the street and sleep in a cardboard box again, but now it turns out he doesn’t have to , at least not yet.  He won’t have to look for scrapes to eat and sleep in the freezing wind’s mercy.  He’ll be warm and safe and fed for a little while longer and that thought fills him with so much gratitude and warmth Josh feels like he can burst.

Аnd Tyler … Tyler is so amazing Josh doesn’t even know where to start. It’s unbelievable how easy and natural it feels to talk to him, which is something Josh has never had with anyone before. He loves talking to people, but communication has always been something very difficult for him.  He’s shy and awkward and can’t talk without stammering or losing his train of thought which makes him a rather difficult interlocutor.   It isn’t difficult with Tyler though.  Josh doesn’t feel awkward and alienated around him.  He doesn’t feel like he’s different , even though he knows pretty well that he is. Tyler is educated, smart and talented. He’s also gorgeous, but thinking about it makes Josh blush and avoid the topic altogether. There is some kind of wall that the other man is trying to build , some kind of barrier that would not allow anyone beyond it, but Josh knows that there’s a lot more of him behind that wall.

Sometimes it cracks and it’s Josh’s favorite moments, because he can see Tyler’s real heart, which is soft and kind, but surrounded by very thick and solid walls he almost never breaks down. He must’ve been hurt pretty badly to be that scared of feeling and showing feelings Josh thinks to himself silently , wishing he could do something to change the situation.  But he’s nobody.  He’s just a homeless kid who Tyler feels sorry for. 

Surprisingly thought it’s not pity Josh sees in the other man’s eyes when he comes to his room in the morning. He looks terribly tired and the bags underneath his eyes tell him that he hasn’t slept all night. Guilt creeps into Josh’s heart when he sees how tired Tyler looks and the need to apologize for keeping him awake all night overwhelms him all of a sudden.

Josh stays silent thought, because he knows that if he starts speaking he’ll get it all messed up or break down crying so he stays quiet and waits for Tyler to speak first.  Tyler is quiet too , carrying two cups of coffee in both hands, leaving them on the table next to Josh. One of them is probably for Josh, but he restrains himself from assuming too fast. He’s not used to this, being important enough for someone to buy him _a drink_.

Tyler takes a seat next to Josh who starts internally freaking out, his mind playing all sorts of scenarios and versions of how their meeting might’ve went and why Tyler looks so deep in thought.

“ I’m sorry , Josh “ the brunette finally says and makes the boy flinch from the sudden sound. “ I looked for Doc everywhere, I searched the entire town , but .... „  the sentence is left unfinished and Tyler stares at the wall opposed to him, without taking a glance at Josh. He’s probably mad at him fоr not sleeping all night and spending it outside in the cold. Josh is so stupid… why did he let Tyler go at all ?

„ No, no , I’m sorry “ Josh rushes to say , afraid that Tyler will be mad at him and won’t stay with him like he usually does whenever he’s not too busy during the day. “ I shouldn’t have let you go look for him on your own,  I mean he could literally be anywhere and .. and … you didn’t have to do it, I’m sorry I made it sound like you have to , I promise I only told about him because I was worried,  not because I wanted you to look for him , I swear “ Josh rambles, suddenly terrified of losing his only friend. It saddens him that Doc could be out there on his own in the cold, probably hungry and freezing, but there isn’t anything he can do. If Tyler couldn’t find him that means that he’s either in a shelter which is the best option possible, or maybe hiding somewhere from the cold wind and freezing temperatures.

Tyler looks sad when he hears Josh ramble and flashes him a tired smile and a soft look someone might confuse with fondness.  But Josh knows that nobody’s fond of _him_ , it must be pity.

“ You’re rambling again “ he notices and Josh automatically shuts his mouth.

“ Please don’t be mad at me , Tyler, I’m sorry I sent you out like that, you shouldn’t have went on your own “

“ Hey “ Tyler says softly and stops Josh from speaking again “ You don’t have to apologize for anything, okay?   And I’m sorry, because I couldn’t find your friend when I promised I would “  it’ outrageous that Tyler is apologizing and Josh wants to burst out in flames from how embarrassed and bad he feels about the whole situation.

“ You literally spent an entire night looking for someone just because of me, it’s ridiculous that you’re actually apologizing to me “

“ No , you know what is ridiculous ? “ Tyler says, but this time he sounds angry which makes Josh pull back slightly out of instinct “ It’s ridiculous that sick people like Doc have to sleep on the streets and freeze to death like their lives don’t matter at all. THAT, Josh, is ridiculous.  It’s ridiculous that someone has to _starve_ for days and sleep on the ground and die _alone_ , being passed by so many people who are too fucking selfish and self-centered to look beyond their _fucking noses_ and realize that people die around them and they do absolutely NOTHING about it “  Tyler finishes his speech shaking, completely out of breath and covered in a layer of sweat, which makes Josh think that something must’ve happened during the night in order to affect him so much.  He’s never seen the nurse so emotional and vulnerable before and that makes him both scared and excited.

“ Fuck, sorry “ Tyler says, probably catching Josh’s fearful expression and rubs his face “ What I meant is that you don’t have to apologize, because you’ve been put into a position nobody should be in, especially not someone so young “  Tyler wipes the sweat off his forehead with the end of his sleeve and breaths out a long and deep breath. He must be collecting himself.

“ I didn’t expect you to get so affected about this “ Josh gathers the courage to speak up, but doesn’t move his eyes from the blanket he’s been staring at for the past 10 minutes. “ People normally don’t. Poverty and homelessness is something far from rare and it doesn’t really phase people too much anymore “ he admits and hears Tyler sigh. 

„ Yeah that’s actually the worst part  “ the nurse says and rubs his face “ I’ve never felt involved or phased either. Before I met you and … it became more personal.  Now I can’t stop thinking about all the times I passed by someone on the street in this condition and … hell I feel like the worst person in the world.  These people … they’ve always been there, but I only see them now, when you opened my eyes. “

“ Yeah , I guess you can’t unsee it now , right ? “ Josh says and sees the sadness fill Tyler’s deep brown eyes. He looks tired and sad, a look that Josh doesn’t want to see on his beautiful face. That’s why he tries to smile , even though it’s tough when his throat is closing in on itself from how worried he is about Doc. “ Don’t worry about Doc okay ? He’s a pretty tough guy , despite his age and disability “ Josh says, not really sure whether he’s trying to persuade himself or Tyler more.  “He’s survived several wars, I’m pretty sure that one cold winter won’t defeat him “ 

“ Was he in the army ? “ Tyler asks, taking a seat next to Josh on the bed, looking drained and tired.

“ He used to be a field doctor. Helped injured soldiers during battles n’stuff like that. That’s why we call him Doc. “ Josh says, feeling proud of having a friend like him.  He’d fallen asleep many times listening to Doc talk about his heroic friends on the battlefield, learning to believe that good always wins over evil, even when it doesn’t seem that way from first sight.

“ Wow “ Tyler says and his eyes sadden even more “ How did he end up on the street ? Doesn’t he have a family ? Kids ?  “

“ PTSD “ Josh answers simply and sees Tyler nod. The other man is a nurse and probably knows what PTSD can do to a veteran of war. “ Alcohol, depression … he .. he started drinking , to drown out the pain of seeing friends die and I guess it has gotten to the point when his family couldn’t take It any longer and kicked him out of his house “

“ Kicked him out ? His own family threw him out on the street ? “ Tyler looks absolutely outraged. It’s not that surprising though. Josh knows many people thrown out by their own sons and daughters.

“ Yeah. I guess they couldn’t handle his alcoholism and depression. He told me he tried to kill himself multiple times after he retired from the army, cause of the constant hallucinations and flashbacks. “  Tyler lies back against the pillows and buries his face with both hands. Josh wants to tell him it’s okay, but the truth is that nothing is okay and everything Is really fucked up.

“ I wish I could’ve helped him “ Tyler says through his hands and Josh feels the fondness filling his heart

“ It’s okay, Ty. I just hope that someone took him in a shelter or something.  Sometimes he forgets that he’s abandoned and waits for his wife to come pick him up …. “

Tyler sits up and looks like he’s about to fall asleep any moment

„ Doc is lucky to have someone like you around, you know “ he says and lays a gentle hand on Josh’s shoulder.

“ And I’m lucky to have someone like you around “  Josh answers and smiles at Tyler who smiles back, blushing slightly.  He looks beautiful with the soft red color painting his cheeks and Josh barely contains himself from giving him a peck.  “ Thanks for everything”  he adds , wanting to say more, but not sure Tyler would want to hear it.

Tyler’s delicate hand traces the outside of his neck and jaw, stopping to cup his cheek and rub it with his thumb.  What happens next throws Josh in complete emotional overload, because Tyler is leaning in and kissing his forehead so tenderly he barely feels the gentle touch of chapped lips.

It only lasts for a moment, because Tyler pulls back and gets up from the bed a second later, straightening up his wrinkled shirt and leaving Josh in a state of trance.

“ Have some rest, Josh okay ? I’ll be back later to check on you “ Tyler says and smiles and Josh nods automatically, still too transfixed to react properly. And the next moment Tyler is gone.

It takes Josh a couple of deep breaths and quiet moments to come back to his senses and then he’s bursting out crying. No one has ever kissed him like this before. Not even his foster parents who Josh tries to not think about at all. Nobody has ever showed him love before , he’s never been kissed before and never though he would be. Why would anyone want to do that ? He’s nobody and nothing. His existence matters to no one and makes absolutely zero difference. Love is something Josh never dears to hope for, because why would anyone love an empty space? 

But there’s something in Tyler and his ocean deep brown eyes that makes him hope and even dream ….. God he hasn’t dared dreaming since he was a kid. Living on the street takes that away from you and reduces your life to basic day to day survival with no dreams or hopes for the future.  Future is something scary, dark and unknown to him  , with no place for such things as dreams. But Tyler …. Tyler makes him dream and that’s both scary and wonderful as hell at the same time.

 

***

 _“What the fuck, Tyler what the fuck whatthefuckwhatthefuck_ “ Tyler can’t stop chanting when he leaves Josh’s room and locks himself in the men’s bathroom. _You have to ruin everything, you have to do something stupid , you just have to Tyler, DAMN IT_ , the voice in his head wouldn’t stop screaming and the headache that rattles his skull is so strong he can’t even open his eyes. He kissed Josh. On the forehead, yes, but it was still a kiss which is usually a gesture of  affection and God Tyler is not ready to have feelings for somebody else.  He’s not ready to let someone new in his life, not since his wounds are still so fresh and wide open.  He fucking knows that he’s falling for Josh who’ s …. different than his past partners.  He’s emotional and sensitive and broken, just like Tyler and them combined together would probably mean disaster. He can’t do this, _he can’t he can’t he can’t._

And why the hell did he have to lie about Doc ? Not telling Josh isn’t going to solve anything, because even though the kid doesn’t know Tyler _does_ know. He already called an ambulance and reported the case, so Doc is probably in a morgue right now , with nobody to come and gather his body. And nobody to bury him . His family has abandoned him long ago, according to Josh who was his only friend. And now … now Tyler doesn’t know what to do. It feels wrong to lie about something like this, but he doesn’t have the heart to tell the kid.

Hiding from the world in a bathroom  stall isn’t the best idea so Tyler slowly uncurls from his wrapped up position and stands up on shaky legs. It’s still early and the hospital is empty and Tyler is grateful for that because he doesn’t want to have another nervous breakdown in front of his colleagues. 

It takes him a couple more minutes of breathing slowly and washing his face with cool water to leave the bathroom and start his morning shift.  It hasn’t been 20 minutes since he left Josh’s room and the homeless boy is already on his mind again. Tyler wants to wrap him in 300 blankets and take him home tonight when the shift ends. This thought doesn’t leave his mind the whole day, of how amazing it would be to have someone around, someone he can talk to and cuddle with , someone who could make him feels safe and warm.  Would Josh want to come and stay at his apartment after they release him from the hospital ? _Why would he want to live with you, you’re annoying and whining and way too problematic , Tyler_ is the answer he gets every time that thought comes around, but still … what if Josh agreed to it ?  It’s not like the kid has anywhere else to stay and by the looks of it they have some sort of chemistry going on , so it might actually work.

No, he’s probably rushing things too  much. He barely knows Josh and what if it doesn’t work out ? He can’t just throw the kid out on the street again right ? That’s even more cruel than leaving him  homeless in the first place. Tyler knows himself too well , knows how unbearable he gets sometimes and how difficult to handle his mental state has been since he broke up with Simon.  He’s absolutely impossible and Tyler knows it. He can’t live with someone at the moment , it’s just not a good idea. And still. He still dreams about it. It’s still at the tip of his tongue. The thought won’t leave him alone.

 

***

The next day he has the morning free so he books an appointment with his shrink. Dr. Taylor,  who knows about his past and is familiar with his mental disorders, that’s why Tyler doesn’t have to explain too much when he sits down in the comfortable chair opposed to the doctor.

“ I don’t know what to do  “ Tyler admits when the silence stretches for too long and he feels like he has to say something “ I don’t feel ready to start a new relationship, but I … I really want to get closer to Josh. I like him “ dr. Taylor writes something down and nods gently.

“ Do you think he likes you back ? “  

“That’s the thing … he’s been homeless his entire life and I don’t want to take advantage of that .I mean I do feel like he’s not indifferent to me , but …. I don’t like the idea of having some kind of power over him.  I’m afraid he will always feel like he owes me or something and I hate that idea “

“ I understand. People who have been abandoned grow more and more difficult to bind as time goes by, but once you earn their trust they are very faithful and loyal.  But I understand where your fear comes from. Josh is definitely more vulnerable and easier to manipulate, considering his difficult past of someone who has been abandoned.  You need to be sure of your intentions, Tyler. You need to clear that up for yourself, and only when you are ready and certain of what you want, only then make a step.  “

Tyler nods and closes his eyes. Josh’s smile is the first thing that pops in his mind, followed by a sunrise and the beautiful smell of early morning flowers in a field.

“ Do you not think I’m ready ? “ Tyler asks, because no matter how hard he tries to understand his own feelings he just _can’t_.

“ Well, that’s only up to you to decide , Tyler. Nobody else can know whether you’re ready or not.  I can only advice you to take it slow and figure it out as it goes. If you like Josh – let that show. You don’t have to hide your feelings just because you’ re afraid of getting hurt. Not everyone is out to hurt you “  _then why do I always end up getting hurt_  Tyler asks himself and sighs.

“ I was thinking about inviting him to live with me after his treatment is done. Do you think it will end badly  ? “  he can’t help but ask, because that thought wouldn’t leave him alone.

“ Why would it end badly ? “

“ Because everything I start ends badly “ he mutters and hears dr. Taylor’s pen scratch on her notebook.

“ Well I can’t agree with you here.  Besides, in order to fail you need to try first. It’s been a while since you tried anything isn’t it ? The fear of falling is a lot worse than the fall itself, Tyler believe me “ the doctor finishes and leaves Tyler thinking.   He’s always been a coward. It took him years to tell the truth about his ex-boyfriend’s abuse and right now, after a whole year he’s not doing any better.  After a year of going to therapy ,  taking antidepressants, going to shrinks and court rooms he’s still as scared and as messed up as before. 

“ I think you should be less harsh on yourself, Tyler.  If you don’t feel ready for a new relationship, then don’t throw yourself into one. But that doesn’t mean you can’t hang out with people and get close to them. This boy sounds like he’s pretty decent. “

“He is, that’s the worst part. If I end up hurting him I’ll hate myself “ Tyler says and sips from the glass of water in his hand. His throat feels especially dry when he thinks about Josh and how he lied to him about Doc.

“ I mean I already lied to him about something pretty important “

“ What is that ? “

“ He asked me to look for his friend, a homeless guy he’s been taking care of.  I went out and searched for him all night, found him frozen to death in his wheelchair in the middle of the street “ Tyler reports and tries not to remember how sad the scene looked ; the lonely one legged man sitting in his wheelchair, so small and defenseless.  “ I went back to the hospital and …. Man, I couldn’t tell Josh that his friend was dead, so I lied to him. I told him that I couldn’t find Doc and he believed me and now I feel terrible.  I should’ve told him, I know I should’ve.. “

“ You went out to look for his friend in the middle of the night ? “ his therapist sounded surprised and honestly Tyler felt surprised by that too. It’s not something he would normally do and yet he did it without putting much thought, just because Josh asked him to.

“ Yes. And before you say anything , I just felt really bad for him and he looked so upset I just couldn’t say no “

“ I wouldn’t have said anything bad, Tyler. What you did was really good, I’m proud of you “

“ I lied to Josh about his friend being dead, is that why you’re proud of me ? “ 

“ No, Tyler, I’m proud of you for going out of your comfort zone to help a friend out.  You must really care about that boy to go out in the middle of the night to look for his friend “

“ Yeah, he’s a good kid. He’s so …. I don’t know .. I’ve been trying to figure him out , but I just can’t “ Tyler says and rests back against the  sofa.  He’s never met anyone like Josh before – who has suffered so much, but kept his grace through the suffering and didn’t lose the light inside his eyes. It bothers him, because Tyler has been through his share of suffering too, but there’s no light in his eyes. He can’t even look at himself in the mirror, scared of how dead inside he looks.

“ Do you like him ? “

“ I do.  His smile is one of the few things that keep me going these days “ he admits and sees his dr. Taylor smile

„ I’m really glad to hear that, Tyler. It’s a progress, no matter how small it may seem to you “ Tyler nods and tries to figure out what to do. He still doesn’t think he can tell Josh about Doc , but he knows that the government will bury him in an anonymous grave without anyone attending the funeral.  Hell nobody deserves this kind of treatment, even when they die.  It’s just unfair.

His head is still buzzing when he leaves the therapist’s office and he calls the hospital as soon as he walks out in the freezing air.

“ Hey Mat , it’s Tyler… um the nurse who called this morning for the homeless guy ? “ the guy on the other side of the line seems to remember him cause he says “ Hey Tyler, what’s up “

“ I was wondering … did you manage to find his relatives or something ? Did someone look for him ? “

“ So far – nothing.  I’ve tried looking for family members, but he seems to be living on the streets for quite a while. Do you happen to know someone who would bury him ? “ 

“ I uh … I was thinking about coming to his funeral. I don’t think he has any friends and it just feels wrong to bury someone without .. you know.. without someone to send him off “ Tyler struggles to talk , because of the lump stuck in his throat.  He imagines how Josh’s funeral would look if the car that hit him did kill him. He would be just another anonymous body in the morgue, without anyone to look for him or attend his funeral. And they boy has so much to give, there’s so much kindness and light inside of him it’s just unfair to waste it like that. It’s fucked up and Tyler can’t understand how can things like these happen in 21st century , literally in front of everybody’s noses , but go so unnoticed.

“ Oh .. “Mat answers and stays quiet for a bit “ Well that’s pretty kind of you. I mean I’ve attended a bunch of community funerals when we buried homeless people and let me tell you – it’s pretty depressing and sad stuff. I’ll attend too if you don’t mind?  This guy turned out to be a veteran and my dad was a veteran too. I know what kind of shit these men go through when they come back from war all messed up “  Tyler talks to the paramedic for a while and when he hangs up  the weight inside his aching chest feels a little bit less heavy. 

He has an evening shift, so he goes back to the hospital and straight to Josh’s room, because the boy draws him in like a magnet. He has a bag of food with him , a lunch he plans on sharing with Josh who’s probably still hungry all the time. The first week has been a huge struggle feeding him because he was very hungry but his stomach couldn’t handle anything so he threw up pretty much every day.  Right now though he got considerably better and started eating more solid food without throwing it right back up.

Josh greets him with his magnetic smile and bright eyes when Tyler enters his room.

“ Hey Ty “ Josh beams at him and his eyes dart towards the bag of food in the older one’s hands.

“ Hey Josh, how are you feeling ? “ he puts the bag on the table and takes a seat next to the smiling boy.

“ I had a therapist with me this morning and he said I’ll have to start moving around pretty soon “ Josh says and winces “ But it still hurts a lot “

“ This kind of fractures do hurt quite a bit and they go away slowly. You’re gonna have to take it easy for a while “ Tyler says and feels Josh’s eyes on him.

“ I still can’t believe I was allowed to stay. It seems like a miracle to me, ya know. Staying warm and being fed …. I can’t ask for anything more, honestly “ 

“ It’s everyone’s basic rights, Josh. The right to work, to feed yourself and to live with dignity. It shouldn’t feel like a miracle, it’s your right “  Tyler says and feels angry because his words are as empty as the other boy’s pockets. On theory he might be right, but reality is a whole different thing.

“ I’ve been trying to find a job, you know when I got a little older. Everyone sent me away cause I have no ID and no education. Nobody wants someone like me to work for them. I mean I get it, I’m not qualified or intelligent or whatever. But I never wanted to end up like this, it’s not my choice “  Josh’s voice waver and his eyes are wet again, making Tyler’s heart hurt in his chest. 

He wants to tell Josh to come live with him , but … he just can’t. The thought of having someone else in his apartment makes him feel uncomfortable and anxious. He can’t share his personal space with someone else, not yet, not right now.

“ You’ll have almost a month of recovery before you get discharged. I’m pretty sure we’ll figure something out in the meantime. I won’t let you out on the street in this condition, Josh okay ? “

„ You really are the sweetest person I’ve ever met “ and now it’s Tyler’s turn to blush. He’s not used to getting compliments and being called sweet , but it’s the second time Josh does that which makes Tyler’s knees go weak.

They share the food and Tyler can’t keep his eyes off Josh who eats with so much enthusiasm it’s endearing and sad at the same time. It’s just food, but it makes Josh so happy Tyler wants to buy him food all the time just to see him smile like that.  Tyler almost forgets about the funeral that he’s about to attend, but the phone call later that day reminds him of it.  

There’s a priest who reads his depressive speech in a monotone voice which Tyler barely listens to.  The snow falls quietly on them where they stand at the graveyard and the feeling of abandonment fills Tyler’s veins. He never thought that a person can be lonely in their death, but as he watches the coffin being lowered into the ground , that feeling of utter desolation strikes him pretty hard.  It sticks with him for a long time afterwards and he keeps telling himself that he won’t let Josh have the same fate.  The boy with the bright smile and kind eyes deserves so much more better than this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will always keep asking for your opinion because it matters to me so fucking much. I hope you're enjoying this ride as much as I am.
> 
> Oh and let me know which POV do you want to see more ? :))


	13. 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes love is louder than fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry for messing this chapter up, but my internet keeps being horrible :\\\ I'm uploading again hopefully better this time

Tyler must’ve forgotten what it’s like to have a friend, because hanging out with Josh seems like a unique experience even though they don’t do much besides talking. And the craziest thing is that whenever Tyler talks Josh actually listens to him and remembers what he’s been told. Like what Tyler says matters. He’s not used to being listened to and the fact that someone is interested in what he feels and thinks makes Tyler feel like he matters. Josh makes him feel like his existence matters and that is one of the feelings he forgot how to feel. And it feels amazing. Tyler feels alive.

Josh doesn’t talk much and he obviously struggles with speaking in general so Tyler doesn’t push him. The boy is quiet and shy , but his eyes speak volumes about how tough his life has been so far. There’s some kind of quiet sadness in them, something unspoken and heavy in his gaze that makes Tyler want to protect him at all costs.  Josh is vulnerable and sensitive and gets emotional pretty easily , the exact opposite of Tyler who does his best to never show his feelings to the world. He’s always thought that showing feelings is a sign of weakness and it’s nobody’s business what’s going on in his sick mind. 

But now … now he doesn’t know what to think. It’s so easy talking to Josh he wants to share more personal things with him, but he’s scared. He doesn’t quite know if he can trust the homeless boy just yet, even though he has been nothing but kind to him. 

As days go by Tyler notices how more and more people fall for Josh’s charms and soon enough the entire unit’s staff is absolutely in love with him. Josh is so nice to everyone it comes out natural for him to be around people and Tyler can’t help but wonder how ? How does he give out such positive energy when his life has been nothing but miserable ? And he can’t deny that he’s drawn to that positivity himself and even feels jealous when Josh gives his attention to other people. That scares him so much he tries to keep distance from the boy for a while, but fails dramatically, because he feels incredibly lonely without Josh’s company.

Physical therapy starts pretty soon which is the least favorite part of Tyler’s day, because Josh is still in a lot of pain and moving around is excruciating. Both Jenna and Tyler help him do the exercises his therapist recommended doing and seeing him in so much pain never gets easier. Besides the fractured pelvis there are raptured tendons around it as well as bruised soft tissue that cause additional pain and discomfort. Painkillers help, but only for a while. When Josh has to put any pressure on his legs it hurts so much the therapy session often end with tears on his part. Tyler never thought It could physically hurt him to see someone cry, but in this case it’s completely true. He can’t stand it

 The idea of inviting Josh to live with him appears more and more often and Tyler doesn’t even know what to think anymore. The voices in his head tell him that he won’t last a week living with someone else, that there’s no way Josh will handle his terrible mood swings and bad temper. That he will hurt Josh and then hurt himself for it and everything will end badly for both of them.  It’s difficult to block the voices out and not pay attention to them, but Tyler tires to do it, because for once he has another voice to listen to.

It’s just before Christmas and Tyler comes to work early because he has a morning shift, but couldn’t fall asleep all night.  He’s exhausted from lack of sleep and the pounding headache, but instantly forgets about those things when he comes into Josh’s room and doesn’t find him there.  Tyler panics, a rush of thoughts running through his head. Did they move him somewhere else ? Did something happen ? Did he get worse ? Did he …

Internally panicking Tyler stands in the middle of the room until someone else walks in and draws him out of his trance.

“ Ty ? Are you okay ? “ It’s Jenna , who carries clean sheets in her hands and looks pretty tired.

“ Where’s Josh ? “  Tyler asks, looking at the fresh sheets in Jenna’s head and then the empty bed. “ Why isn’t he here ? “

“ Are you okay Tyler ? Did something happen ? “ Jenna’s expression changes from friendly to worried as she leaves the sheets on the empty bed.

“ Why isn’t he here ? “ Tyler asks and feels the panic run through his veins. God he’s so scared to lose Josh the sole thought of it makes his insides squeeze painfully.

“ He’s helping with the Christmas decorations in the pediatric unit … why ? What’s going on ? “ it felt like a huge rock has fallen from Tyler’s heart when he hears that Josh is okay and still here. He breaths out a long breath, trying to collect himself. Why did he panic like that ? What the hell is happening with him lately ?

“ Ty ? You’re pale, are you alright ? Do you want some water? “

“ No, no , I’m fine .. I just saw that his bed was empty and I thought … never mind, forget it.  “ he mutters and sees Jenna’s worried face. “ Seriously, it’s okay , I’ll just go find him “ Tyler says and leaves the room as fast as possible.  He didn’t know that Josh was walking already, so the thought that he might’ve went out didn’t even occur to him.  Why did he have to panic like that ? Why is he so clingy?

Walking down towards the pediatric unit Tyler collects himself and hears the chanting of children’s voices from far away. When he walks in he sees a crowd of kids gathered around a big Christmas tree , a couple of nurses who help them decorate it and Josh, who’s in the middle of the whole thing , smiling like he’s the happiest person on Earth.  The sight instantly melts Tyler’s heart and he just stands there and observes the scene , while Josh makes the kids laugh at something. He’s supporting himself on a walking frame and Dallon is right next to him to give him extra balance. When Dallon spots him , he smiles and waves at Tyler to come over which draws Josh’s attention as well. The boy also waves at him and flashes him a beautiful smile that gives Tyler heart palpitations.

Moving slowly through the crowd of kids he reaches the tree and Josh lets go of his walking frame to open one arm for a hug. Tyler accepts it without a second thought and sighs in relief when Josh’s warm and solid body presses to his own.

“ These kids are the sweetest I swear “ Josh exclaims and beams at the children who throw paper stars at each other and laugh “ I helped them decorate the tree, look “ he points at the poor plant that barely supports the weight of all the Christmas lamps and toys hanging from it.  It looks awful and cocked on one side, but Josh looks so excited it doesn’t give Tyler the heart to tell him that. This could be the first Christmas tree he gets to decorate in his 19 years of life and the pure happiness that radiates form him makes Tyler both sad and happy. It’s sad because the thought of how the boy must’ve spent his past Christmas holidays to think that decorating a hospital unit is fun makes Tyler’s heart ache. It’s probably the worst, seeing everyone celebrating around the holidays when you can’t even afford to buy yourself food to eat.

“ Yeah, it’s pretty awesome “ Tyler says when the lump in his throat allows him to speak and sees Josh smile at that “ You’ve done great job helping “ he adds and Josh blushes at that, his eyes reduced to tiny slits from how wide he’s smiling. It’s such a beautiful sight to see it makes Tyler want to run his hands over Josh’s face and feel all of the crinkles that appear on it when he smiles so wide.

“ I know you guys are having fun, but we have to leave soon “ Dallon says and all the kids make disapproving noise.  “ Josh will be back tomorrow okay ? He’s pretty tired and needs rest “ the children nod and gather around Josh to thank him for his help which is so sweet it melts Tyler’s heart again.

Helped by Dallon and Tyler ,  Josh slowly makes his way out of the pediatric unit and only then he lets the pain show on his face.

“ Do you want me to go fetch a wheelchair ? “ Tyler asks when Josh lets out a sharp breath of air after making an attempt to lift one of his legs off the floor.

“ N-no, the doctor told me to start taking walks “ Josh says and lets out a whimper after another failed attempt to move his feet.

“ You’re clearly in pain, Josh , there’s no need to put yourself through this “

“ It’s not that bad “ Josh answers, but still doesn’t move from his spot “ I mean it wasn’t that bad until I lifted one of the kids back in there “ he says and looks down “ I guess I shouldn’t have done that “

“ You can barely stand , Josh , how did you think it’s a good idea to lift someone ? “ Tyler asks and sees Josh’s honey colored eyes fill with guilt.

“ I’m sorry “ he says and grips onto the walking frame so hard his knuckles go white.  “ The l-little girl asked me to lift her and I didn’t think it will hurt this much “ Josh probably thinks that Tyler is angry at him by the way his body literally folds on itself. 

“ No I mean it’s fine, you didn’t do anything wrong “ Tyler hurries to say before Josh broke down crying or something of that sort. “ I just think it a little bit too early for you to go around lifting kids and decorate trees “

“ Okay, sorry “ Josh apologizes again and Tyler wants to slap himself for being so direct. The kid just wanted to decorate a tree , because it’s fucking Christmas and it’s probably the first time someone asked for his assistance.

“ Listen, you don’t need to apologize, seriously “ Tyler says and offers Josh his hand, who accepts it without a second thought “ Let’s just get you back to your room so you can have some rest “ He takes most of Josh’s weight on himself and Dallon helps on the other side too so they manage to get Josh back to his room without a wheelchair.

„ Thanks “ Josh says when he finally takes a seat on his bed and breaths in deeply

“ Yeah , anytime „ Tyler answers and sits down next to Josh . “ You actually did pretty great for someone with fractured pelvis “ that makes Josh’s face light up into a groundbreaking smile .

“Really ? “ he asks and Tyler smiles, completely overtaken by adoration.

“ Yeah  , really.  Now get some rest and I’ll be back later to see how you’re doing “  he helps Josh settle in bed and tucks him with the blanket, trying not to imagine how awful it must’ve been to spend his childhood sleeping in parks and bus stops.

„ Okay, see you later then ? “

“ Of course “ Tyler gets up and tries not to focus on the profound need to stay next to Josh that keeps nagging him.  „ See you later “

 

 

It’s almost 4 am and Tyler lies next to Josh in his hospital bed, playing with the boy’s hair lazily while watching him sleep.  And God is he beautiful. The initial bruising on his face is already healing and if Tyler found him attractive before he can’t keep his eyes off Josh’s face now. His eyes are shaped so wonderfully they look different from different angles. They might seem small if he doesn’t open them fully, but if he does they look like two big oceans of melted chocolate and pure softness. He has never seen someone smile with their eyes, but Josh does it all the time. Everything reflects in those eyes, every single quiver of his soul, every little emotion, every small gesture. Tyler will never get tired of looking at them and see the reflection of the world inside , shaped through the lenses of kindness and humanity.

It makes him wonder how many times that kindness was the reason for his suffering and how many people have taken advantage of his big heart. Because Josh ..  he treats people like they have a heart like his, but not everyone can be as soft and tender. He doesn’t see the person they are, but the person they have the potential to be. He gives and gives and gives … until they pull everything out of him and leave him empty. Tyler is selfish and he wants that warmth for himself, he needs it like the air in his lungs and the blood in his veins.  He needs Josh so badly it hurts not being around him.

Josh steers and moves to lie on his back, but the pain that the movement has brought wakes him and forces him to open his eyes. He makes a pained noise and looks around sleepily, landing his eyes on Tyler.

“ Hey why are you awake “ Tyler asks him , but the answer is pretty evident.

“ It h-huts “

“ Okay, let me help you “ Tyler says and reaches down to move Josh by the waist “ Just relax, okay ? I’ll get you some more painkillers in a minute “ when Josh settles on the bed and lets out a sigh of relief Tyler relaxes as well “ Is it better ?”

“ Yeah, it’s a lot better “ Josh says and puts his arm on Tyler’s which is still wrapped around the boy’s hip. “ You make everything better “ he adds and looks at Tyler straight in the eyes. There’s no lie there, not a single drop.

“ I … “ Tyler tries, but doesn’t know what to say. His brain blanks out and all he can do is stare at Josh’s lips.

„ Can I  … “ Josh whispers and pulls himself up, until his face is only a few inches away from Tyler’s. “ Is it okay ? “ Josh keeps asking, not daring to do anything without Tyler’s consent. He’s suddenly drowning, staring right into Josh’s eyes like they can save him , feeling the other boy’s breath ghosting on his lips.

His body moves forward and his lips meet with Josh’s chapped and dry ones in a gentle and hesitant touch. They don’t kiss at first, because neither of them is brave enough to move, but when Tyler opens his eyes he can see that Josh has closed his and his nose is scrunched up in the cutest way possible. Smiling slightly he moves his lips and feels Josh gasp and then hesitantly follow his lead. It’s sweet and innocent, almost like two 10 year olds kissing for the first time and Josh’s breath on his lips tickles so he giggles before he can stop himself.

Josh pulls away slightly and opens his eyes that swim with softness and fondness. He looks confused, probably not expecting such reaction from Tyler.

“ What? “ he asks and blinks at Tyler “ Did I do something ? “

“ Shh “ Tyler says and moves forward again, kissing Josh with more intent this time. The boy makes a tiny noise of surprise , but tries to kiss back this time and slowly moves his lips to the rhythm Tyler has set.  When they set apart Josh looks like he’s the one drowning this time, with his eyes half closed and slightly out of breath.

“ W-was it okay ? “ he stutters and keeps staring and Tyler’s lips like he can’t get enough.

“It was perfect “ Tyler answers and leans in to steal another kiss and then another and another until both of their brains are swimming from the sensation.

“No one has ever kissed me like that “ Josh admits and leans his head on Tyler’s chest. “ I don’t know why you did it, but … thank you “  Tyler doesn’t know how to answer  , because honestly , he feels like he should be the one saying thank you.

“ I did it because I wanted to. I’ve wanted to do it for quite a while, but I guess I didn’t know if you’d want me to “ Tyler says and feels Josh smile against his chest.

“ God I want you to “ he answers and kisses Tyler’s chest through his shirt “ I’ve never wanted anything more in my life “

“ I’ve got you “ Tyler says and buries his hand in Josh’s hair.

They lay like that for a while and Tyler's chest feels like a cage , because his heart has turned into a bird that demands to be set free. And dear Heaven Tyler wants to let himself feel, he wants to set his heart free and just feel with no fear. But his heart is a caged bird that's forgotten how to fly. It's forgotten how it feels to belong to somebody else and the fear of being caged and broken by somebody else again is too strong.

  
The softness in Josh's eyes whispers for him not to be afraid and let himself fall. So Tyler falls.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the vague ending. Please let me know how you felt about this chapter ? It's super important for me so it would be awesome to get some feedback :))
> 
> Also I'm in love with the way Josh stares at Tyler if you can't already tell lol I also love Josh's eyes all together but I guess you can tell that too.


	14. 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was planning something else for this chapter , but it turned out a bit different.
> 
> Warning for some domestic/physical abuse in the beginning if it's bothering you skip the italic text.

_The fear that grips Tyler’s heart when he comes home is sharp and feels like he’s being submerged into cold water. He’s late. He knows that he’s late and Simon is probably livid and waiting for him to come home. He didn’t pick up the phone when his boyfriend called him which was probably a mistake, because hiding never makes things better. It prolongs the punishment, but delaying it only makes thing worse. Simon is probably waiting for him to come home and get some answers. And that’s the problem._

_Tyler has been banned from seeing his relatives almost a whole year ago, because according to Simon they have abandoned him and don’t deserve his attention. But Tyler knows that that’s not the reason why he’s not allowed to see his sister and brothers. It’s because Simon thinks they influence Tyler in a bad way and try to turn him against his boyfriend._

_This is exactly why he’s terrified of his reaction when Simon finds out he’s been meeting with his sister and that reaction is the very reason why Tyler hasn’t told him about that meeting. Madison is one of the few people who hasn’t turned their backs on Tyler , his only relative how still keeps in touch with him and doesn’t think he’s a complete failure and deserves all the pain he’s been going through. He couldn’t tell her no when she called him a few days ago and told him she needs somebody’s advice and support. They’d always be brother and sister and despite Simon’s disapproval he couldn’t stop seeing and talking to her._

_But now he doesn’t have a reasonable explanation for the delay and telling the truth will only make things worse. His brain is completely blanking and coming up with a good enough reason to be late is completely out of the question. If he says that he was held at work Simon will call the hospital and ask, so that’s not an option.  He can say that the bus broke down or blame the bad traffic, but Tyler knows himself far too well. A slap or two and he’ll tell Simon the truth. He can never lie, not conveniently anyway. At one point or another he’ll break and tell the truth and then … God Tyler hopes that his boyfriend doesn’t go looking for Madison. He’s crazy enough and possessive enough to do that._

_As he walks inside the house he’s met with darkness and silence. A fleeting thought that Simon might not be home yet crosses his mind for a second, but fades when the floor squeaks and a strong hand grips his elbow._

_“ Get the fuck over here “ Simon hisses at him and drags Tyler inside by the hand, slamming the door behind him. “ Where were you ? “  the tone is serious and threatening enough for Tyler to know that his boyfriend is pissed and this won’t pass._

_“ I- ‘m sorry I’m late, I was held back and lost track of time.. and .. “ he stutters, the fear loud and clear in his voice “ I didn’t see what time it was, I swea-“  Tyler doesn’t have the chance to finish when something solid connects with his face so hard he takes a step back and hits the back of his head in the door._

_“ You didn’t see ? What kind of stupid explanation is that ? Are you retarded or something ? “ Simon fumes and grips Tyler by the neck when the younger man tries to get away_

_“ Please let me go “ Tyler chokes out and tries to gulp some air “ Simon , I swear I just got carried away, please “_

_“ Don’t give me this bullshit “ Simon screams and pulls Tyler forward for a second, then slams him back against the door again “ Don’t fucking lie to me , Tyler . I know when you lie, I know you far to well to fall for this stupid shit. Now tell me where you were or I swear to God I’ll gut you right here “_

_Tyler’s heart beats so fast in his chest he can feel it pumping all the way in his dry throat_ _._ _It would take one hit to the head for Simon to kill him. One punch to the temple and he’ll be dead. That wouldn’t be so bad actually, it wouldn’t be too big of a loss.  His life is worthless and empty, disposable and easily forgettable. Sometimes Tyler wonders why he’s trying._

_“ Did you go fucking deaf ? I asked you a question “ Simon shouts and makes Tyler close his eyes and try to focus on breathing.  Simon bags with a fist right next to Tyler’s head and lets go of his neck, making the smaller man fall down to the ground out of fear and surprise._

_“ I’ m sorry, Simon , I didn’t mean to be late, I just wanted to see my sister for 10 minutes “  Tyler babbles and buries his head in both hands, attempting to defend himself._

_“ What ? “ his boyfriend grabs his forearm and pulls hard, making Tyler yelp and try to snatch his hand away, but the grip is too strong and promising bruises in the morning._

_“ Did I talk to the fucking wall when I told you not to see those fucking pieces of trash that you call family anymore? Are you that stupid ? Do you need me to beat it into you so you finally get it ? “  Simon doesn’t stop screaming and all Tyler wants is to be somewhere far away from there. He feels so small, so defenseless and scared , the tears could pour out any moment. He doesn’t want to cry, but God he’s so scared there’s not much he can do to stop the tears._

_“ I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t plan on it, I swear, please stop screaming at me “  Tyler begs, but Simon pulls him up by the hand he’s gripping and forces Tyler against the door once again._

_“ I” don’t fucking believe you. I know she’s trying to separate us, I know what that bitch is trying to do and I won’t let her. You hear me ? I WON’T LET HER “ Simon shouts and bangs the door again, making it rattle from the sheer force. Tyler shrinks on himself and does his best to stop himself from crying. It always irritates his boyfriend when he cries and that’s the last think he needs right now._

_“ Do you want me to pour fucking acid in her face ? You think the bitch will still try to turn you against me with the skin on her face burned off, huh ? “ Tyler actually believes that Simon will do it, because he’s dangerous and crazy enough so he lunches forward and grabs the older man’s shirt_

_“ Please, don’t hurt her, please baby “ he tires his best to sound as convincing as possible “ I swear this won’t happen again, I promise you, okay ? You don’t need to do that, please don’t do that “_

_Simon is still angry when he steps back from Tyler and tears his shirt from the younger man’s arms._

_“ Don’t you dare ever lie to me again you hear me ? Never, Tyler. Or you will regret it “ it sounds like a very real threat and Tyler nods as fast and enthusiastic as he can._

_“ Go upstairs and wait for me “ Simon says and turns around to go to the kitchen. Alcohol. He’s probably going to drink and get even more aggressive, then come to bed and make Tyler really regret going against him._

_He turns around and blindly goes upstairs with shaking legs and sinking feeling in his stomach. All he did was see his sister for 20 minutes and now he’s afraid for his life. And not only for his own life, but his sister’s too. The thought of Madison takes him upstairs, because the truth is that he got himself in this mess and he can’t risk his sister’s life just because he’s a coward and too weak to deal with his own shit._

_The smell of alcohol makes Tyler’s muscles tense and breath hitch. He knows what happens when Simon is angry , but now he’s angry **and** drunk. **Blank out, just blank out and separate yourself from what’s happening. Be strong for once goddamn it, be fucking strong and don’t beg. It’ll be over soon . He will fall asleep and you will have your chance to cry and cut your skin open. Not now , Tyler, not now.**_

The hand on his face makes Tyler jump and retreat back , scooting away from whoever touches him until the bed ends and his body hits the ground with a thud.

“ Tyler ? Tyler ,it’s okay , it’s Josh. Can you hear me ? “ the voice seems unfamiliar for a second. It’s way too deep and smooth to be Simon’s. It lacks the cruelty and the coldness of his boyfriend’s voice. He doesn’t expect to hear something  so soft and unthreatening.

“ Please, please don’t touch me “ Tyler manages to say while his body slowly comes to it.  He’s curled up on the ground, back to the wall and head buried in both hands. Did he fall asleep ? Was this a nightmare ? He honestly doesn’t know. But the rapid pulse and the chilling fear tell him it was more than just a bad dream. It was too real to be a dream. God why can’t his hands stop shaking ?

„ Okay, sorry, sorry “ the soft voice comes from above  “ Are you okay ? Do you want some water ? “

“ I .. just – I need a couple of minutes “ Tyler says and opens his eyes. The room is dark and quiet, but he instantly sees the pair of dark gentle eyes shining brightly in the darkness.  Josh looks close to tears. _Fuck_ , Tyler thinks and rubs his head with both hands. He must’ve had another nightmare and scared the kid “ I’m fine, just a nightmare “ he mumbles and sees Josh relax a little.

“ O-okay “ Josh says, but his eyes don’t leave Tyler for a second “ Tell me if I can do anything to help okay ? “

“ Thanks “ Tyler says and takes a deep breath. Fucking Simon. The bastard isn’t in his life anymore, but he still finds a way to torture him. 

“ Do you need help getting up ? “ Josh asks again, not any less worried than a minute ago.

“ No, it’s fine “ Tyler sits up and takes another deep breath before getting up. His legs are still shaking and the sinking feeling from his dream doesn’t leave his stomach. He takes a sit next to Josh who’s brows are creased with worry and his entire body language says they he’s scared and anxious.

“ Hey “ He reaches with one hand and pets Josh’s face . “ It was just a nightmare, okay ? Nothing to worry about “  Josh nods, but his eyes are filled with worry. He takes Tyler’s hand off his face and kisses his palm.

“ Was it something that happened to you ? “ he asks and makes Tyler’s heart race. Did he say something in his sleep ? How did Josh know ?

“ It was … um .. unpleasant memory, that’s all .. How did you know ? “ Josh looks down a for a moment and plays with Tyler’s hand.

“ You were asking for someone to leave you alone. “ Josh says sheepishly “ Was someone hurting you  ? “ and this is where Tyler doesn’t know what to say. He feels safe around Josh and it shouldn’t be scary talking about it, but it is and Tyler doesn’t know what to do. He wants to trust the other boy, but God is it difficult.

“ You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to “  Josh offers and kisses Tyler’s hand again “  Only if you feel like it “

“ I’m sorry, I just …  it was something from the past and I don’t want to go back there. I don’t want to think or talk about it. Okay ? I just don’t feel like remembering it again “

Josh nods silently and scoots closer so that their bodies touch. It’s like he wants to touch Tyler, but doesn’t have the courage to do it or hesitates whether the nurse would want to be touched. It’s such a small gesture, but it makes Tyler want to thank Josh repeatedly for being so patient and kind with him. No one has ever been either of those things to him and being with someone who actually cares about his feelings is foreign, but feels so good.

His body still feels numb, but he scoots even closer to Josh, to show him that he doesn’t mind being touched and the solid warmth of his body calms down Tyler’s nerves a little.  When he closes his eyes he feels the warmth of Josh’s breath ghosting over his cheek, followed by the gentle touch of dry and chapped lips. He turns his face and kisses Josh on the lips, finding it easier than he thought it would be. Simon never kissed him. Not on the mouth anyway. His ex loved leaving hickeys all over his skin, bruising it for days to come and making him want to strip his skin off.

But right now Josh takes like medicine and toothpaste and innocence while he kisses Tyler so gently and lovingly it makes Tyler stop thinking about the past and concentrate on the present.  The warmth of someone who cares about him and the slow dance of their lips is all he cares about right now. It feels good. It feels right. It feels _safe._

Tyler doesn’t have any more nightmares and he wakes up when the sun rises -  a habit he has developed over the years spent with his ex-boyfriend who never slept after sunrise. Josh’s head is laid on his chest and he has one arm thrown over Tyler’s middle. He looks adorable , snuggling up to Tyler and clinging onto him even in his sleep.  The nurse doesn’t know what to do, because he needs to use the bathroom, but doesn’t want to disturb the boy’s sleep.  He lay there for a little, but his bladder can’t hold much longer so he moves slowly and tries to untangle himself from Josh as carefully as possible. 

Getting out of the bed is difficult without making any sounds, but he manages somehow and stands up on shaky legs. It reminds him of the fact that he hasn’t eaten anything yesterday and his stomach is painfully empty. Making a mental note to go find something to eat for both of them Tyler makes his way to the bathroom. When he gets out Josh is still sleeping, but he moved positions and now lays on his side, hugging the blanket tightly.  Tyler doesn’t think he has ever seen such a cute sleeper in his life, so he stands there for a couple of minutes and enjoys the sight. It feels creepy at some point so he pulls his shit together and walks out of the room, hoping to find Jenna and talk to her.

He finds her in their resting room while she makes herself coffee.

“ Hey Ty. Did you come early today ? “ she asks and Tyler suddenly realizes that today he has morning shift and wasn’t supposed to be at the hospital so early.

“ No, I stayed overnight. With Josh “ he adds and makes Jenna stop making herself coffee and look at him.  “ Don’t give me that look , Jen.”

“What look ? “ she asks casually and busies herself with her drink again.

“ You looked at me as if I just told you I found elephant in the operating room or something “ 

“ No,  actually I’m pretty happy for you. I knew you’d get along with the kid, he seems pretty nice “

“ He is. He’s a lot nicer than I deserve, so I don’t know if this whole thing is a good idea” Tyler mutters and grabs a coffee cup as well.

“ You’ve been looking pretty well lately. You know, no shadows under your eyes, no anger issues, no arguments with your seniors “ Jenna adds just as casually and smiles at Tyler’s outraged expression

“ So you mean I normally scream at people , fight with my boss and look like I haven’t slept for 3 weeks ?

“ No, I mean that ever since this kid showed up you’ve been looking a lot healthier. “ Jenna pours Tyler some coffee and grabs his hand before he can snatch it away “ I think he’s a good influence. Which goes the same way too – Josh looks a lot healthier and happier too. “

“  Yeah he looks healthier because he eats 3 meals a day instead of one meal in three days “ Tyler grumbles , the sole thought of Josh starving making him feel sick.

“ And he also has someone to talk to, someone who cares for him. I think that means a lot too “

“ Yeah, I do care about him, as weird as that feels. “

“ What did I tell you, Ty ? Someone will come around, someone who will love and respect you. Simon isn’t the only man in the world you know “

“Don’t say his name “ Tyler feels the need to throw up whenever he’s being reminded of his ex-boyfriend. “ We’re talking about Josh, not _him.”_

“Sorry “ Jenna says and lets go of Tyler’s hand “ What I mean is that you need to let it go every once in a while. Let yourself feel, let yourself be loved. You deserve it “ she lands a kiss on Tyler’s cheek and grabs her coffee “ I’ve got a couple more hours before my shift ends. If you need someone to talk to , I’m always here, okay ?”

“Okay “ Tyler smiles at his friend and when she leaves he’s alone with his thoughts.

Last night he did something he hasn’t done for a long time – he kissed someone he actually felt attracted to. Normally he’d go for one night stands and skip the kissing and cuddling bullshit part. With Josh though, it’s different. He doesn’t want to just fuck him and forget they’ve met. Tyler feels safe around him, he enjoys his company and genuinely likes his personality.  Josh has the most beautiful and warm smile in the world and …. maybe Jenna was right.  Tyler has been finding it easier to fight his inner demons while around Josh. He smiles more, feels excited and happy for the first time in a year. And all of that since he met Josh. The boy has something in him that makes Tyler melt and become a different person than the depressed, angry and self-loathing man he has been for the past couple of years.

Suddenly afraid he left Josh alone for too long , Tyler rushes to his room and walks in quietly only to find him cuddling the blanket and still asleep. And God he will never get tired of looking at Josh asleep and admire the way his eyes curve at their edges and how his eyelashes frame them perfectly. He’s so beautiful and Tyler is so gone. Oh God.

Tyler walks quietly towards the sleeping boy and sits down at the edge of the bed, trying not to make any noises. He bends down and lays a gentle kiss on Josh’s cheek, feeling the beginning of beard growing there.

Josh makes a sleepy noise and suddenly two huge dark chocolate eyes are staring straight into Tyler’s soul with their intense warmth warming him up all the way to his core. His eyes are smiling, Tyler can tell without looking at his mouth which makes him smile too.

“ Morning “ he says and kisses Josh on the mouth who makes another sleepy noise and returns the kiss.

“ Shouldn’t I brush my teeth first or something’ ? “ Josh asks with his hoarse morning voice that sounds even prettier than usual.

“ First of all – you can’t brush your teeth yet, that’s why I do it for you “ Tyler answers and kisses Josh’s forehead this time “ And second – I don’t give a single shit about that. I’ve misses your lips “ this makes Josh blush and lift his arm, so that his forearm can hide his eyes.

“ You missed _me ? “_ the way Josh says “me” is so skeptic and disbelieving it makes Tyler think that nobody has ever told Josh that they’ve missed him. And there probably has never been people in his life to care enough about him to actually miss him. That’s so sad it makes Tyler feel breathless for a moment. It’s a pretty lonely feeling, not being missed by anyone.

“  Yeah. I miss you every time I leave your room and every time I go home. I _do_ miss you, Josh and I wish you could believe me “ Tyler says and feels even more sad when Josh doesn’t reply. He just lays there with his hand covering his face and his breathing uneven.

When Josh doesn’t say anything for a full minute Tyler starts to think that maybe he said something wrong or was too direct, but he realizes something else.  He can hear the muffled sounds of crying in the silence and his heart breaks.

“Josh ?  Josh, please don’t cry … I didn’t mean to upset you okay ? “ Tyler panics and feels the bed shake underneath him.

“ I- I never thought that I’d … I’d have someone t-to miss me “  Josh forces out in between sobs “ I’ve always been alone and never thought t-that will change “

“I want to change that, I want to change so many things for you, because you don’t deserve all of this “ Tyler says and grabs Josh’s hand to remove it from his face.  It literally wrenches his heart to see those beautiful chocolate eyes drowning in tears and the pain that literally pourс from them.

“ But why ? “ Josh asks through tears and makes a pathetic attempt to pull away his hand from Tyler’s light grip. “ Do you feel sorry for me ? Is that why you’re being so nice to me? “   Tyler shakes his head and tries to keep his shit together for Josh’s sake. If he snaps at him right now it he will never forgive himself.

“ No, Josh.  I – I .. “ Tyler tries to comprehend how he feels for the teary-eyed boy sitting silently in front of him, but the words are just not coming. He’s so terrified of feeling he doesn’t want to admit he’s falling in love.  It makes him want to run and hide until the feeling goes away.  But deep down inside Tyler knows that no matter how much he hides or how aggressively he denies his feelings he could never get away from what he feels for Josh.

„ I understand why you pity me, I mean look at me “ Josh says and wipes his face, but more tears pour out of his eyes and wet it again “ But please, please don’t give me false hope.  Please don’t be nice to me , it just makes things a lot more difficult “ the sadness in his eyes deepen when Tyler doesn’t reply and he looks away, biting his lower lip nervously. Tyler is terrible at explaining or even understanding his own feelings and he knows he has to say something , but he has no clue how to do it.  One thing is for sure though – it’s not pity that keeps him around Josh.  Tyler feels something inside every time he sees Josh, every time their hands touch and their eyes meet. And it’s not butterflies, no. It’s knives inside his stomach and cotton candy in his throat. It’s storm in his brain and sunshine in his eyes.  Josh is special and Tyler knows it, but he doesn’t know how to explain it to the rest of the world.

“ Josh “ Tyler says and sits closer, framing the younger man’s face with both hands “ I don’t pity you. I never pitied you and I don’t think that a strong and brave person like you needs to be pitied.  I … I admire you and … and I’m sorry If I’m terrible at showing my attraction to you, but I’m incredibly attracted to you and I want _youtocomelivewithme”_ the words come rushing out of Tyler’s mouth and make Josh look up, shock written all over his features. Did he just invite Josh to live with him ?

“ What ? “ Josh asks and blinks in confusion and honestly Tyler feels just as confused.

“ I said that I don’t pity you at all and this is not why I’m being nice to you “ Tyler says , but knows that Josh must’ve heard that part “ And I admire you and …. I want you to come live with me. At my apartment.  “ Josh stares at him , unblinking and unmoving and looks on the verge of tears again.

“ You’re – you’re inviting me to live with you ? “

“ Yes. I want you to come live with me and I know that we barely started whatever … whatever this is and you’re probably not sure about this and it’s all new and scary, but … “ Tyler takes a deep breath and tries to collect his fleeting thoughts. He never invited anyone to live at his place. He was usually the one going to live at somebody else’s and this is so out of his element.  But Josh looks at him with his huge ,warm and gentle eyes that melt away any hesitation or fear that might live inside Tyler.

„ But I really miss you when you’re not around and I want to be with you even after your treatment ends”

“ You know I don’t have a job and never had a home and I’m . .. I’m messed up. I don’t want to mess you up as well, Tyler… I don’t want to burden you “ Josh says and hesitantly touches Tyler’s hand.

“ You could never burden me, okay ? And honestly, I’m pretty messed up already , so there’s no risk of messing me up. I really want to do this for you, please let me do it “

Josh wipes away a few tears and pulls Tyler in an embrace, holding onto him like his life depends on it.  As much as Tyler doesn’t like being touched and is not used to being held like this he cant help but melt by the warmth that spreads through him. Taking Josh to live with him is the best thing he can do, for both of them. He can’t even imagine sending the boy back on the street and never seeing him again, or even worse – seeing him sleep on the cold concrete.  While he holds Josh and rubs his bony back he knows he wouldn’t do it differently.

“ Will you come live with me ? “ Tyler asks, just to make sure and feels Josh nod violently where his head is pressed to Tyler’s chest.

“ Yes. Yes, God yes “ Josh says and holds the other man even tighter “ I never thought you’d want that. I never thought anyone would want it “ 

“ I do. I do, Josh “ Tyler says and kisses his head while wondering how in the world this gentle and soft creature survived all of the hellish things that happened to him.  Fuck whoever made Josh think he isn’t good enough to live a normal life. Fuck his parents, fuck the system that didn’t help him , fuck everyone who turned their backs on him. Fuck them. Tyler is here and he will always be here for Josh.

“ I’ll always be here for you, Josh. I’ll always be here “  Tyler says and hugs Josh tighter to his body. He never wants to let go.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was taking a lot of pills while writing this so my mind was pretty much all over the place.


	15. 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You will all officially hate me after you read this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I created a playlist for this fic. It's unfinished and I'll add more songs as I go. You can find it [here](http://8tracks.com/ani-m-12350/we-stay-brave-though-we-ve-been-damaged)
> 
> Listen to it and cry with me.
> 
> Feel free to hate me.
> 
> This chapter is almost 7 k words long and it hurt me to write it, but I'm a terrible person and I can't have happy things in my life.

Every time Josh wakes up in Tyler’s arms it’s an ethereal experience he never wants to end. It’s the safest he has ever felt,  in Tyler’s arms, cuddled up to his side or to his chest where he can hear Tyler’s heart beat that reassures Josh that all of this isn’t just a dream.  It seems like one though, every time they share a kiss or hold hands, it feels like some sort of fairy tale. He’d learned over the years that things like these don’t happen to people like Josh. When you’re on the very brink of survival you’re focusing on finding food and staying warm and dry. Josh has been living on that very brink since he was teenager and finding love or home has been rather a distant and unrealistic dream.

Now though, while listening to Tyler’s heartbeat through his ribcage and enjoying the warmth radiated by his body Josh feels like living in a dream.  The snow falls slowly outside while December quietly slips away and lets January take over. It’s the warmest he remembers feeling during the winter months, even in the group homes where he grew up it has never been this warm or safe.

Josh buries his nose in Tyler’s neck and breathes in deep and slow, trying to memorize the smell of safety and cheap aftershave. The feeling makes him close his eyes and try to match his own breathing to Tyler’s and finally fall asleep. He has been having trouble sleeping since the pain in his pelvis isn’t going away and it hurts to lie down in any position.  His ribs aren’t healing yet either which is a bit worrying , because dr. Urie told him that they should get better after a month. A month has passed, but it still hurts to breathe or turn to lie on his sides. Josh tries not to worry about that, he focuses on the present moment, on the safety and the feeling of belonging he can’t get enough of.

Just when he manages to drifts off he hears a moan, followed by a whimper and Tyler’s body moving. It draws him out of his half asleep state and makes him jump and turn to Tyler who starts moving around and kicking with his legs, almost as if trying to get away from something. Or rather someone.

Tyler’s voice comes out breathless when he pleads for someone to stop and Josh panics, scared that if he touches Tyler he’ll make things worse, but sitting around doing nothing feels wrong.

“ Tyler ? “ Josh tries and scoots closer to the shaking man “ Tyler it’s Josh “ but there’s no reaction from Tyler who keeps breathing heavily , showing no signs that he heard Josh at all.

“ Stop, please Simon, stop “ Tyler almost cries and buries his head in both hands , rocking back and forth. The name – Simon rings in Josh’s head while he tries to figure out what to do in order to stop Tyler from hurting himself. 

“ Ty, please calm down, nobody’s hurting you, you’re safe “ Josh whispers and gets as close as possible to Tyler “ It’s Josh, not Simon “ Josh says and _finally_  Tyler looks up with his red-rimmed eyes and wet with tears face. He looks like he’s drowning, with his breath coming out in aborted pants and his eyes looking lost and swimming with fear. Josh never wants to see Tyler like this _ever_.

“ Josh ? “ Tyler says and his voice breaks, along with Josh’s heart.  “ Josh “ it’s not a question this time , but Josh nods, stretching both hands towards Tyler, offering him a hug.

“ Yeah, it’s me, you’re okay “ Josh says and Tyler scoots close hesitantly, letting the younger boy embrace him which Josh does with no hesitation. “ Did you have a bad dream again ? “ Josh asks after Tyler’s breath evens out somewhat and he can breathe again.

“ It’s not a dream , Josh “  Tyler answers and his voice shakes terribly. Whatever was happening in this nightmare was pretty terrifying. “ I told you I was messed up. I told you  ….  “ Tyler shuts up before he can finish his sentence and doesn’t say anything for a long while. Josh doesn’t press him. He just holds Tyler close and tries to calm down himself.  It’s the second time something like this happens and Josh is worried and scared that someone did something pretty bad to Tyler who doesn’t deserve it one little bit. 

“ And you were worried about messing _me_ up “ Tyler says after what feels like hours of silence.” Someone already did that long time ago , Josh.  I’m damaged goods “ he adds and doesn’t look at Josh who feels heartbroken and scared.

“ We’re all damaged in one way or another , aren’t  we? “ Josh says and lays his hand next to Tyler’s leaving millimeters of space in between.  “ But we stay brave, thought we’ve been damaged . We move on. We keep trying. That’s what matters isn’t it ? “ Tyler finally looks up and his eyes are shining in the darkness. He doesn’t say anything , but he moves his hand to intertwine their fingers and squeezes Josh’s hand.

“ I’ll still love you, even if you are damaged “  Josh whispers and feels Tyler start shaking again.

“Did I say something wrong ? “ he asks, afraid he said the wrong thing

“ I … I don’t deserve to be loved. I don’t deserve forgiveness, I just don’t deserve it, Josh, okay?  “ now Tyler sounds angry and Josh’s anxiety flares up again, making his head spin.

“ I don’t believe that , Ty “ Josh says “ I love you, okay?  I love you and nothing will change that “

“ You can’t okay ? YOU CAN’T !! “ Tyler screams and pulls his hand away like it’s been burned. “ You don’t love me. You don’t, you don’t you don’t you don’t “ he repeats it at least 20 times , burying his head in both hands, leaving Josh even more confused and scared. He doesn’t sound like Tyler at all. It almost feels like another person is speaking instead of his friend and it’s so terrifying Josh feels like he will start crying any moment.

“ I do, I love you, please listen to me, please “ Josh begs and hears Tyler sob in his hands.

“ I can’t do this again, I can’t do it, I can’t “ the brunette repeats while rocking back and forth “ I can’t , Josh , I can’t “  this time Josh doesn’t say anything,  because words seem to do very little to help Tyler.  He draws the blanket up instead, wrapping the other man as much as he can to keep him warm and curls up in a ball next to him. Tyler goes through another couple of rounds of calming down to the point where he doesn’t cry anymore , just to go back to that state where he’s shaking and speaking things that make absolutely no sense.  If Josh could walk he would probably go find someone and ask for help, but that would probably end with Josh falling and hurting himself which wouldn’t help with the situation at all.

He stays awake and listens to Tyler talk to himself and cry until the sun finally rises and brings silence. Tyler finally falls asleep, exhausted and delusional , buried in blanket and cuddled up by Josh who finally finds the courage to touch Tyler. He’s absolutely exhausted himself, but sleeping his abolsutely out of the question. His heart hurts and his lungs are heavy and he can barely breathe from how worried and scared he is. Whatever this was, it was worse than Josh could imagine.

Hours later, when Jenna comes into his room to wake Tyler up for his shift Josh pretends to be asleep, because he doesn’t want the other man to know he hasn’t slept at all and spent the whole night and morning worrying and crying.  He still pretends to be asleep when Dallon comes to give him his pills , but leaves them on the table besides Josh’s bed when he doesn’t steer and stays with his eyes closes.  He feels cold and lonely without Tyler  and dreams of having him close again which scares him. Josh has been alone for years and he survived. He never let himself miss the closeness of another human being or let the loneliness take over his life. Until now. Until he met Tyler and fell helplessly in love with him. Now he can’t exist without that closeness, without his deep brown eyes and soft full lips and that scares him so much he wants to get up from this bed and run away, be lonely again, have nobody to miss again. Tyler doesn’t come back for the rest of the day.

 

|-/

 

Tyler flees so fast he misses Jenna’s worried look and ignores the need to throw up that fills his insides. He barges into the resting room , locking the door after himself and stumbles to his locker through the blur in his head.

And God his head hurts so bad he can barely hear his own thoughts through the roaring pain. It hasn’t been this bad in a long while and the worst part is that it happened while Josh was around. Tyler barely remembers what happened last night, but the memory of Josh’s scared eyes and worried face has left a very define trace.  

Desperate to find his pills Tyler almost empties the entre content of his locker in order to find them and sighs with relief when the bottle finally shows up. All he wants is for the pain in his head to stop and the voices to finally shut the hell up. It’ so loud and chaotic in his head it drives him insane , so he pops three pills and swallows them dry.

_You fucked up you fucked up Tyler you fucked up big time ohh yeahh_ the voice says and it feels like someone is banging with a sledgehammer on the inside of his head.  His hands shake and spill the blue pills all over the floor and Tyler is cursing, screaming _fuck fuck fuck_  because he hates himself, hates these voices, hates Simon _hates hates **hates.**_

When the energy to hate and scream drains out of his exhausted body  Tyler slumps down on the ground and tries to gather as many pills as he can, doing all he can not to break down crying. He has a whole shift to get through before he can go home and have his breakdown in peace which is like 12 hours. Those are gonna be pure torture, Tyler can tell.

Someone knocks at the door and scares Tyler who jumps and hits his head on the steel door of his locker, hissing.

“ Ty ?  What happened ? Tyler I know something happened, please open the door “ it’s Dallon’s voice coming from  behind the door and the brunette tries to gather his shit together, although it’s obvious that Dallon knows something’s up.   “ Tyler come on. Open this door “

Tyler stands up on shaky feet and shuffles to open the door where Dallon is waiting for him with a worried expression and pale face.

“Okay what’s going on ? Josh is upset, you’re locked in here all morning …something must’ve happened. Are you okay ? “  only the first part of the sentence registers in Tyler’s mind,  because Josh is upset and it’s his fault.

“ He’s upset ? “ Tyler asks and Dallon pushes Tyler gently inside the room and closes the door.

“ Yeah he’s pale and doesn’t talk to anyone and looks like he’s been crying. What happened ?Did you guys get into a fight or something ? “

“ What ? No, no – it’s my fault. I scared him last night “

“ nightmare ? “ Dallon asks and his eyes soften with sympathy. “ Ty ? “

“Yeah, a nightmare and then some sort of a panic attack that I barely remember, but it must’ve been one of the bad ones “  Tyler says and feels even more guilty than earlier. He never meant to make Josh cry and the fact that the boy was so upset because of him makes him feel like a terrible person all over again.

“ Okay, well I thought you got into a fight or something. Are you okay now ? Do you need to take a sick day or something ? “ Dallon says, now sounding more calm.

“ No, I feel better now. My head hurts thought, but I’ll be fine I promise “

“ Okay “ the other nurse says, but still sounds worried “ There’s car crash victims coming in, so you should probably get ready. “

“Okay “ Tyler says and goes to his locker to change his clothes. 

The pills somewhat drown out the voices and the headache is not as terrible after a few hours, but Tyler feels uneasy and relentless. He feels the need to explain what happened to Josh and apologize for scaring him, but the work keeps him froing doing either of those things. He remembers parts of last night’s events and one of the most distingtive ones is when Josh says that he loves him. _Loves._  Tyler can’t get those words out of his head all day, because he wasn’t ready to hear them. And because he reacted in the worst way possible – by freaking out and breaking into a panic attack. How is he supposed to start a relationship with anyone when things like these trigger him into having panick attacks ? And who would want to be in a relationship with an emotional wreck like him.

Josh probably won’t even want to go live with him anymore. This thought makes Tyler so sad he almost cries a couple of times during his shift. He really needs Josh and his warmth and light.  Tyler needs him so bad and the thought of losing him feels like a knife to the heart.

When the craziness finally dies down and Tyler can breathe again he finds Josh’s room and walks in quietly, finding the boy hugging Tyler’s sweatshirt, the one he left there before getting up in the morning.  The sight is both sweet and sad and make something in Tyler’s heart shift.

“ Josh ? “He asks sheepishly and sees the two cat-like eyes open slowly and light up with warmth when they focus on him.

“Hey “ Josh says with raspy voice that makes Tyler believe that he’s been crying. “ I was worried about you “the boy says and sits up, biting his lips and looking anxious.

“Look, I’m sorry about last night. I had a pretty bad nightmare and then – I guess I panicked when I woke up and I’m sorry you were there to witness it.  I swear I didn’t meant to scare you or hurt you in any way “Tyler rushes to apologize , afraid he will scare one of the few people who care about him away.  Josh smiles reassuringly and pats the bed next to him.

“ I thought I did something wrong “he admits when Tyler sits down next to him on the bed. “Can I ask you something ? “

“Sure “Tyler answers , not knowing what to expect.

 “Who is Simon ? “ the question leaves the nurse speechless for a second.  How does Josh know about Simon ?

“What ? “

“You mention his name in your dream last night …. Is he the one who hurt you ? “ of it was somebody else Tyler would probably say it’s none of their business and leave, but this is Josh and Josh deserves to know the truth.

“Simon is my ex-boyfriend “ the mention of his name still makes the hair on his neck stand with fear and disgust. He wants to say more , but admitting things like these take bravery he doesn’t feel like he owns.

“ Was he abusive ? “Josh asks looking Tyler straight into the eyes with his own scared ones.  “Did he hurt you ? “

“ Yes. “Tyler admits and feels like a raw bleeding wound. He hates talking about his past and hates how weak it makes him feel. Helpless. Worthless. Pathetic.  Those words never stop echoing in his head.

He doesn’t expect Josh to hug him, but the boy does anyway, throwing his hands around Tyler’s ribs and pressing his face to his chest

“ I’m sorry “ Josh says and Tyler hugs him back, because he needed this comfort so much and Josh  makes him feel so safe and at home.

“ It’s okay. I’m okay now, I’ve got you, I don’t care about the past “

“ I’m so sorry “Josh repeats and lifts his body so that his dry lips can reach Tyler’s neck. He leaves a gentle kiss there and slides back down.

“ He can’t hurt me anymore, don’t worry “ Tyler says and buries one hand in Josh’s curls. They are considerably softer now, after a whole month of washing with shampoo. His hair used to be glued together and tangled so badly they had to cut it in places.

“ Where is he now ? “

“In prison. Where he belongs “Tyler answers and shivers. The memories of court rooms and psychological evaluations still give him nightmares.  He wants to close this shameful chapter of his life so badly and turn the page to a blank one, but his past keeps chasing him.

“ Can I do something ? Help you somehow ? “Josh asks and steers so that his head is laying in Tyler’s lap.

“You’re already helping me more than you know “Tyler says honestly , still playing with the soft brown curls.  “But living with me is difficult and I’m not sure I want to put you through this “

“I don’t care. Difficult doesn’t scare me . I want to be with you , I’m not afraid. “

“I am thought “Tyler says mostly to himself , because  the everlasting fear of  Simon being released from prison haunts him like a wild forest fire.

They stay quiet for a while and the silence doesn’t feel uncomfortable, but something unspoken is nagging at Tyler’. He never said “I love you” back and that bothers him more than he’s comfortable to admit. Does he love Josh ? Does he even know what it’s like to love someone ?And how can he know ? His past relationships have been built mostly on manipulations, lies and fear. Yes, he loved Simon when they first got together, but that feeling quickly developed into something completely different. Just like all of his past relationships that were pretty much him loving the other person and the other person taking advantage of that.

In this case thought, something tells him it will be different. Josh isn’t manipulative and cruel. He’s not calculating, cold and thriving to overpower anyone. No, Josh is gentle and soft and brave, gone through hell and back while still keeping his kindness and grace.  Tyler doesn’t want to corrupt him or hurt him, but God he doesn’t want to be alone anymore either.

He squirms around until they’re laying cuddled up facing each other and kisses Josh , missing this feeling too much to stand it any longer. Josh kisses back and closes his eyes, exhaling a sigh that sounds like relief. 

“I love you too, Josh “ Tyler says when they separate , because he can’t hold it back any longer.  Josh opens his eyes in surprise and blinks a couple of time , before they practicaully disappear from how wide he’s smiling. 

“Really ? “it’s a dumb question, but Tyler guesses that nobody ever told him such thing before so he nods and kisses Josh again, just to prove his point.

“Yeah, I do. I love you “

„ I  love you too, Tyler. “ they kiss again and this time when Tyler falls asleep he doesn’t have nightmares. He’s enveloped in softness, both from Josh’s warm embrace and his solid presence.  They say that it’s dangerous making homes out of people, but Tyler is willing to take the risk. He feels at home for the first time in years.

|-/

 

 

With Josh around time flies fast and Tyler doesn’t quite feel the days slipping away. It’s almost time for the curly haired boy to get discharged and suddenly Tyler realizes he’s absolutely not ready to have another person living in his apartment.  For starters it a mess. He hasn’t cleaned up that mess in over a year , but now he only has a few days left to arrange things so that his place looks somewhat livable.  Josh has probably seen worse, knowing where he comes from ,but Tyler actually wants to make his place more comfortable and cozy . He wants to give Josh a good place to stay and a better life that he no doubt deserves after all of the years in loneliness and misery.

This is why he takes a day off to rearrange his apartment and buy some stuff a normal human being would need in order to exist there.  There isn’t anything in the fridge to start with and the windows hasn’t been opened in months, so they’re dusty and rusty. The curtains are also dirty and in dire need of washing, just like the sheets on his bed and most of his clothes. Tyler makes a mental note to put away a change of clothes for Josh who probably needs one since the clothes he wore were cut away and he probably doesn’t own anything else.

There’s so much to do Tyler doesn’t even know where to start. He decides to throw away all of the empty bottles of alcohol first and hide all of the pills he owns which are probably hundreds.  He throws away dozens of trash bags full of empty bottles, card boxes and decomposing food. It’s a miracle how much trash a person can gather in such a tiny space.

Thankfully there are only a couple of rooms to clean so Tyler starts with his bedroom and then moves to the living room and kitchen he barely uses so they’re not too dirty. His bedroom though is absolute mess which takes a lot of sweat and effort to clean properly.  He hasn’t seen his place this clean since he got it years ago. It feels nice to do this for somebody. And not just somebody, but for Josh who will finally have a home. This thought brings butterflies to Tyler’s stomach. They will live together , sleep together, wake up together and share their breakfast in bed. Together.

It still feels too good to be true and the gutting feeling battles with the butterflies in his stomach. Something tells him that it’s all just too perfect, all too good to be happening to him. Tyler tries to tell himself that it’s just a feeling, just his paranoia speaking again. He tries to convince himself that there isn’t anything to worry about and they will figure it all out. He actually believes himself for a bit and lives with that thought while getting his place ready for Josh. Everything seems too perfect. Until one day.

 

Tyler has the bag with spare clothes with him when he arrives at the hospital early one morning, a day before Josh is scheduled to leave the hospital. The younger boy is so excited about going _home_ he almost throws himself in Tyler’s embrace when the nurse enters his room. They kiss , then hug and only then Tyler lets Josh go and leaves the bag on the bed.

“I brought you some stuff” he says with a smile and gives Josh a nod at the bag “Go ahed, take a look.  I hope they fit you “ Josh looks like a kid on a Christmas Eve when he opens the bag and draws out a t-shirt , a pair of pants and a cozy looking sweatshirt.

“These are for me ? Really ? “ he blinks at Tyler and then looks back at the pile of clothes on his bed. There’s also a grey beanie that Josh grabs and pulls on almost without a thought. It looks adorable and frames his beautiful face in the cutest way possible.

“It’s all for you, Joshie “ Tyler answers and reaches out to hide a stray lock of brown curls that escaped from underneath the beanie.  “ I have something else for you “ he says and rummages the inside of his jacket pocket.  When he pulls out a set of keys Josh literally gapes at him in disbelieve.

“These are the keys to my place. It’s not much and …. I don’t know , I guess it’s not big or fancy or anything, but it’s ours.  And this is for you “ he gives Josh the keys who can’t hold back his tears any longer so he starts crying and gives Tyler one of the tightest hugs ever.

“ I can’t believe I finally have a home. I – I never , ever thought I’d have a home “ Josh cries and squeezes the keys in his hand so tightly his knuckles turn white. “ Thank you, thank you so much, Tyler “ Josh both cries and smiles at the same time and this tells Tyler that these tears are finally happy ones. He wants to see Josh smile, every minute of every day and it feels like _his life depends on that smile_.

Tyler almost forgets that gutting feeling that’s been nagging at him for weeks when he bumps into Brendon while walking out of Josh’s room.

“ Hey Ty, I was actually looking for you. I wanted to talk about Josh “ the seriousness in Brendon’s tone brings back the sinking feeling back into Tyler’s stomach.

“Hey, Bren. Yeah , why , what’s wrong ? “

“ I’m not very happy with how Josh has been recovering. He hasn’t put enough weight and his blood results aren’t good either. Is he eating ? “ 

“ Yeah, I’ve been bringing him food every day. “Tyler says, but knows that Brendon is right. Josh is pretty underweight for a person who has been eating healthy for a whole month.  He’s also pale and often weak and fatigued.  “ What do you think is wrong with him ? “

“I don’t know, but I’m running some more tests to see what could cause this condition. He had fever last week right ?”

“Yeah “

“ And the week before that too “Brendon says and makes Tyler even more worried. “He’s not recovering well which makes me think that his immune system is too low. It could be the long term neglect and lack of food and warmth, but … I don’t know.  I’m going to monitor him until we discharge him okay ? “

“Yeah, sure. Keep me updated okay ?If you find something worrying let me know. Please ? “ Tyler feels  like someone has stepped on his chest and jumped a couple of times for good measure. What could be wrong with Josh ?

“: Sure thing Ty. I’ll call you when the results come out “ Brendon pats him on the shoulder and leaves.

Tyler tries to focus on Josh’s magnetic smile from earlier when he gave the boy a set of keys to his apartment. God he looked so happy it almost melted Tyler’s heart. He would probably never get tired of seeing Josh smile.

 Tyler goes to Josh’s room to tell him goodbye and hugs him longer than usual, not willing to let go. Josh clings to him too and asks Tyler when he’ll come back.

“I already miss you “Josh says into Tyler’s neck and sighs.

“I’ll be back tomorrow to pick you up. We’ll go home “

“ Home “Josh says and hugs Tyler closer. Home is where your heart is. Tyler’s heart Is in pieces and one of those pieces is buried deep inside those honey colored eyes and tiger sharp teeth.  He knows that if he loses Josh he will lose a part of himself.

Tyler doesn’t want to leave but the promise of coming back tomorrow to take Josh home gives him the needed strength.  When he steps out on the street, completely forgotten about the bad feeling from earlier,  his phone rings.

The number is hidden which throws Tyler off. Not many people have his phone number and none of them ever hide their number. Despite the clear warning to leave it alone and not pick up he still picks up.

“Hello “Tyler says, but nobody answers. The line is quite and seems dead.  Tyler hangs up.

He makes a few steps down the street when his phone rings again. Same hidden number that makes Tyler’s skin crawl. Something is wrong here. Someone is playing with him.

“Hello ? “ Tyler says again, but nobody answers. It’s quite, but Tyler can hear someone breahe on the other side. Why would someone play games with him ? _Who_  would play such games with him ?

“ Who’s there ? I can hear you, who are you ? What do you want ? “ he feels the anger rise in his chest when nobody answers. What the fuck is this ?  “What the fuck do you want ? “

The call ends and Tyler wants to throw his phone on the fucking ground. He starts walking faster, suddenly feeling like someone’s following his every move. Why would someone stalk him ? Why would hidden numbers call him ?

When the phone rings again Tyler picks up and yells into the speaker

“Quit playing fucking games and tell me what you want “ his throat hurt from the strain and he’s about to throw his phone on the ground when a very familiar voice answers him and freezes him right to his spot.

“Is that how you talk to old friends , Tyler ? “ and no, no, no nonononon _nononon_ this can’t be _him. He_ ’s in prison and he can’t call Tyler. 

“ Don’t you miss me, baby boy ? “ the nickname is one of _his_ favorite and Tyler feels the bile in his throat rise quickly along with his pulse. He knows this voice better than any noise in the Universe.  He can tell it’s Simon from the first word that came out of his mouth.

“ W-why are you calling me you fucking bastard ? “Tyler manages to say amongst the confusion and fear “Where are you calling me from ? What the fuck do you want from me ? “

“Ts , not so rude Tyler.  I just wanted to see how you’re doing. You didn’t think you’ll get rid of me that easily did you ? Filing charges, testifying in court against me … you know you kind of upset me with all of that. After everything I’ve done for you I’d think you’ll be more grateful.  “ Simon says with a calm and composed voice that makes Tyler’s heart beat rapidly in his chest. 

“Fuck you. Fuck you and your stupid mind games. I’m not yours anymore and I will never be, you hear me ? Don’t ever call me again “Tyler screams into the phone and hangs up, sprinting down the street with full speed. 

His phone rings again before he reaches his building, but he hangs up, running up and taking a couple of stairs at once. When the phone rings again Tyler doesn’t even look at the screen to see if it’s Simon, he just throws the phone on the ground where it shreds into pieces.

Hyperventilating and on the brink of a full blown hysteria Tyler barges into his apartment and straight to the bathroom where his pills are hidden. He doesn’t even take a look to see what he’s taking, he simply opens the bottle and spills unknown number of pills into his palm. He swallows them and sinks down to the floor where he sits, hugging his knees to his chest in attempt to protect himself from the bad memories.  Is Simon out of prison ? Is he coming after him ? Does he want revenge ? All of these thought swirl in his head and make him scream his lungs out.  He can’t go back to that life now, not after he barely managed to get away in the first place. And what if he goes after Josh ? What if Simon hurts him ?

It’s all his fault. He deserves this after all doesn’t he ? He ran away from home years ago even though his parents warned him it would end badly for him.  He didn’t go back when the man who he ran away with left him, because of his damn pride. If he was smarter ,if only he listened to what people told him he wouldn’t be here today. He wouldn’t end up so alone and abandoned.

Tyler curls up on the bathroom floor as the pills start working , making him feel sleepy and weak.  Simon’s voice echoes in his head while he slowly sinks into the obese _.  You didn’t think you’ll get rid of me that easily did you ?_  Tyler sobs on the ground until the darkness swallows him.

 

|-/

 

It’s been a couple of hours since Tyler left, but Josh already misses him and wishes he would come back to spend the night at the hospital with him.  He had a rough day, going from place to place to get tests and scans done which left him completely exhausted. His lower back and pelvis hurt from moving around and the weakness doesn’t leave his body even when he lies in bed.  Dr, Urie has been fussing around him all day , asking him questions and taking him from cabinet to cabinet.  The feeling that something isn’t quite right hasn’t left him all day and when the doctor walks into his room later that afternoon Josh can feel that the news aren’t good.

“ Hi Josh. We need to talk, can I come in ? “ of course Josh nods and smiles at Brendon despite his anxiety.

“I have some of the results back and I wanted to talk to you about them “dr Urie says and sits down on the chair close to Josh’s bed. “I know this will be difficult to hear, but I need you listen to me very closely, okay ? “

“O-okay “ Josh says and grips his blanket extra hard.  He wants Tyler right now. He feels lonely and scared without him.

“ Your blood test results were showing some worrying signs, as well as your general condition.  I ran some STD tests and the one for HIV came back positive “  Josh freezes on his spot, unsure he heard the doctor right. 

“ Like I said this is probably difficult to hear and I’m sorry I have to deliver these news to you, but it’s important that you know so you can start treatment as soon as possible. “

“I have AIDS ? “ Josh asks while the sinking feeling in his stomach turns into absolute terror. This sounds like a death sentence. Incurable disease. He’s sick and he will probably never be healthy again.

“ For now you’re only carrying the HIV virus , but if you don’t start treatment right away it will turn into AIDS which is a lot more serious condition that can threaten your life. Since we’re discharging you tomorrow I need you to know this so you can figure out a way to start treatment as soon as possible. “

Josh bites his lower lip and battles the tears that burn his eyes. If he carries this deadly virus he can never be with Tyler. The threat of passing it on to him is too big and Josh will never forgive himself if that ever happens. If they live together Tyler will never be safe around him. What if he cuts himself and his blood ends up on Tyler?  What if they end up having sex and … oh God. This is probably how he got it in the first place. All of the times he had sex with strangers without using protection. But what choice did he have ?  He doesn’t have money for condoms and nobody ever cares to bring one with them  , because they simply don’t care. He has been forced into sexual interactions more times than he can count and God knows who infected him out of all the people who raped him or paid him for sex.

It’s disgusting and Josh can’t stand himself and can’t stand the thought of doing this to Tyler who helped him so much. Tyler is amazing and deserves someone better, someone healthy and normal, not a wreck like him.

“ Can you discharge me today ? “Josh asks without looking up at the doctor.

“Today ? But it’s late today . Why don’t you wait until tomorrow ? Just to make sure you’re well enough to leave the hospital “dr. Urie tries to convince him, but if Josh doesn’t leave now he won’t have the strength to do it tomorrow.

“ No, I want to leave today. As soon as possible. You can discharge me , right ? I can leave if I want to  , can I ?  “ Josh says and feels the warm tears tickle down his face. He knows what if will mean to leave right now – he will lose Tyler and the home he’s been dreaming about his entire life.  If he leaves today he go back on the street, because he simply has nowhere else to go and probably never see Tyler again. That thought hurts so much Josh can barely stand it, but it’s the only way ,it’s the right way. He can’t risk infecting the man he loves out of selfishness. His own comfort isn’t the most important thing in the world, it has never been. Josh knows that this will hurt Tyler, but its better to hurt him than put his life into danger.

“ Well I can’t  keep you here against your will, but as a person and a doctor I will strongly advise you to stay. Don’t leave, Josh, please. “ and God Josh wishes he could stay, but no matter how many times he tries to convince himself this could work, deep down inside he knows that it’s too risky.

“ I’’m so grateful for all of your help and kindness, dr. Urie “Josh says and means every single word of it. “ Thank you for keeping me here and helping me when I needed it the most, I will always be grateful to all of you. But … I can’t stay. I just can’t. I need to go, so please sign my papers so I can leave “  Josh stays strong and doesn’t cry when Brendon leaves to get his papers done. He doesn’t cry when he pulls on Tyler’s clothes and breathes in their scent, trying to memorize it as best as he can.  He wants to cry so badly, but he doesn’t because it’s his choice and he’s doing it for both of them.

Josh wishes he could leave a note, but since he can’t write this isn’t an option.  He has no phone, no address to leave, nothing. He has no clue where he’s gonna go or where he’s going to sleep tonight and the beautiful dream of sharing their own bed with Tyler seems so distant now it’s almost unreachable. Josh is a homeless kid that grew up on the street, where he belongs and where he’s going to stay.

He pulls on the warm black beanie and looks out of the window where the freezing January wind blows with no mercy.  It shouldn’t be this hard , to walk out of the hospital entrance and find a place to sleep . He’d done it hundreds of times and spent hundreds of January nights outside.

Maybe Tyler will forgive him one day and perhaps he’ll forget about Josh and move on with his life. It’s better like this, Josh tells himself when he leaves the hospital on legs that barely support his weight. Tyler won’t have to watch him die and Josh will never have to live with the fear of infecting him. It’s better this way.  He has been living like this for years, unnoticed and unknown to the world.  

Brendon runs after Josh to give him an extra blanket and a warm sweater to wear, in case he’s cold along with a small bag of food and Josh can’t help but hug him in return. He wishes he could do something in return, but all he has to offer is his endless gratitude.

 The longer he stays the harder it gets to leave, so Josh wipes the tears off his face ,turns around and disappears into the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't proof read it so I'm sorry if there are mistakes. 
> 
> Yall probably hate me after reading it,but i'd still love to hear exactly how much you hate me so feel free to spam my inbox.
> 
> Next chapter won't be any less angsty soooo
> 
> p.s - pls let me know if the playlist worked cause it's the first time I used 8tracks and I might've messed it up.
> 
> My tumblr is [i-m-a-goner-takeitslow](http://i-m-a-goner-takeitslow.tumblr.com/)


	16. 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just sadness that I needed to pour out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess now that you all hate me I'll just go ahead and make you hate me even more.  
> This is a quick and rather short update, but I was feeling sad and needed an outlet. 
> 
> Did any of you guys listen to the playlist I posted ? Does it work ? Should I add more songs ?

When Tyler wakes up on the ground he’s confused and disoriented. The blue and white tiles swim in his blurry vision and it takes him a full minute to realize that he’s in the bathroom, and another two minutes to remember why he’s on the bathroom floor.

When the memories flood in his brain it feels like someone just poured a bucket full of ice cold water all over him and he jumps, suddenly terrified that Josh will be waiting for him at the hospital and he won’t be there to pick him up.

The phone call he received from Simon makes his blood run cold and breath come out short, bringing back the fear of being stalked by him all over again. Simon wouldn’t just call him for no reason. Yes, he probably enjoys toying with Tyler even after all of this time, but there must be something happening, something changing to provoke this contact.  What if they let him go ? What will Tyler do if they let him loose?  

Tyler scrambles up to his feet and waits a couple of seconds to see if he’ll throw up after all or not, but the bile is stuck deep in his throat and won’t come out.  His head spins and tingles, a side effect of the pills he must’ve taken  last night. He doesn’t remember most of the evening’s events , but he knows he threw his phone on the ground right outside of his apartment. Fuck.

Not even bothering to change his clothes or wash his face, Tyler puts his shoes on and leaves the building, hoping he’s not very late. Josh will probably get anxious if Tyler doesn’t show up on time , because he’s still very unsure in himself and doesn’t quite believe he’s important enough. Tyler hopes he can change that. He hopes he can change a lot of things for Josh who deserves a good life and someone to make him feel important and cared for.  Tyler hopes he can be that person.

When he makes it to the hospital he feels the rush of excitement, coming hand in hand with the pang of fear from the unknown. With Simon reappearing in his life Josh could be in danger and Tyler can’t let that happen.  He’s never been very brave or courageous person, at least if you ask him, but when it comes to Josh he feels like he can rip someone’s throat out without as much as a blink of an eye if they threaten him. Simon can fuck right off, because Tyler is not the scared and confused boy anymore.

Walking inside the hospital Tyler heads straight to Josh’s room, eager to see his smiling brown eyes and plant a kiss on his chapped lips.  But something isn’t right, the room is empty, the bed Is stripped off sheets and every single trace that Josh has been there is gone. Panic once again rises in his veins, working its way through his bloodstream and fills his chest with stone cold fear. Did he walk into the wrong room?  Did they move Josh somewhere else without telling him ?

He bolts out of the room and goes straight to Brendon’s office , walking in without knocking to find him looking like he hasn’t slept.

“ Where’s Josh ? “ Are the first words that leave his mouth and he sounds absolutely breathless, like his lungs have forgotten how to work when Josh isn’t around.

“ Where the hell were you , Tyler ? Why didn’t you pick up the phone huh ? I called you like 20 times yesterday  “ Brendon sounds furious which deepens Tyler’s panic even further.  His friend is usually collected and calm, but right now there’s a storm unraveling in his eyes.

“ What ? No you did—“ Tyler is about to say that no, Brendon didn’t call him, that’s bullshit, but remembers the broken phone and the pills and how he spent an entire day crying and throwing up.

“ Fuck “ he says and wipes the sweat of his forehead “Fuck .. Bren, stuff happened and I couldn’t talk and … I think I broke my phone , but .. but what’s going on ? Where’s Josh ? “

“ He’s gone Tyler. He left yesterday “ still furious Brendon answers him and stands up from his chair. Gone. _Gone._ What does that even mean ? How could he just be gone ?

“ Wait… wait how is he gone ? What do you mean ? “ his voice is breaking and everything inside and out is breaking too.  

“ He left the hospital, Tyler. And if you picked up the phone when I called you none of this would’ve happened “  Brendon snarls and it’s pretty obvious that he cares about Josh just as much as Tyler.

“ But why did he leave ? What happened ? Everything was fine when I saw him the day before… I gave him keys to my apartment and he was so excited … ?  “ Tyler’s voice breaks when the memories of Josh’s smile and happy tears flood his head. He was so happy to finally have a home, so why did he suddenly decide to leave ?

“ This is exactly why I was calling you. His blood results came out. “ Brendon pauses and Tyler feels like his heart will leap out of his chest with how fast it beats. He’s terrified to hear bad news, he’s not sure he can handle it at the moment, but God , not knowing is even worse.

“ I wanted to tell you first, so we can figure out what to do , but you hung up on me when I called you and then your phone was off “ Brendon says, his anger slowly turning into sadness. “ He has HIV, Tyler. He’s very sick and needs treatment “

Something stabs Tyler deep in his chest and it’s all he can do not to double over and curl up in a small ball. The pain intensifies as time passes and by the time he realizes why Josh left it’s almost impossible to bear. Josh has HIV, a deadly virus which, if left untreated will eventually kill him. And instead of running to Tyler for help,  he runs away from him, to protect him.  This is so unfair, so fundamentally wrong  it makes Tyler both angry and heartbroken at the same time. Brendon has every right to be angry at him.

“ And … and you let him leave ? Why did you let him leave ? How could you ?? “ Tyler grits out , so furious with himself he needs someone to blame, someone to direct his anger towards , because if he turns it to himself , he knows it’s going to destroy him.

“ Tyler, he’s not a minor. He’s an adult who can decide what to do with his life. You know pretty damn well that I can’t keep him here against his will.  If he wants to leave I can’t stop him from leaving “ Brendon says, but he’s not furious anymore. It’s probably because Tyler is a second away from breaking apart, or because his eyes are full of tears and self-loathing he can barely contain.

“ I – I – this can’t be happening. Thi-s this can’t be happening, Bren. We were going to live together.  We were making plans together okay ??? “  and fuck, remembering about their plans for the future brings a new wave of pain that’s even more unbearable. First Simon showed up out of nowhere and now he lost Josh.  This makes him choke on himself and before he knows it Brendon is next to him, holding him by the elbow to make sure he doesn’t fall. The world spins around him and Tyler doesn’t have the energy to catch up.

“ Ty, calm down okay ? We can’t help Josh if we panic “ Brendon’s voice is close to his ear and it sparks a tiny fragile hope in Tyler’s heart. Help Josh.  Of course, they need to find him and help him. Just because he left the hospital doesn’t mean he’s gone forever. Right ?

“ Let’s sit down here, alright ? “ Brendon takes him to the soft looking sofa and sits him down slowly. Tyler can’t do much but follow his lead. His legs won’t work, his hands feel heavy and his head is spinning way too fast.

Brendon pushes a glass of water in his hands and lifts it up to help him drink.

“ I’m sorry If I went too hard on you “Brendon mutters  “ I know that you care about him, but I care about Josh too.  I wish I could’ve done more, but my hands are tied. Seeing him leave… he looked absolutely heartbroken, believe me. He didn’t want to leave, but I guess he cares about you too much to put you into danger “  all Tyler can do is nod and try not to fall apart on the sofa.  Why is he so weak ? Why does he break like that every time something bad happens ?

“ I’m sorry I didn’t pick up. Simon called me. To harass me and threaten me, so I broke my phone and ….. “ Tyler shakes his head and shudders at the memory of those ice cold blue eyes that always looked down on him, like the son of a bitch owned him or something.  Not only did Simon manage to push him into an emotional breakdown , but he ruined Tyler’s chances to have a happy and healthy relationship without even knowing.

“ Simon ? You ex-boyfriend ? “ Brendon sounds surprised, shocked even “ Isn’t he in prison ?

“ I don’t know. But he called me to tell me he didn’t appreciate me throwing him in prison and stuff. That .. that doesn’t matter now. I need to find Josh. I need to make sure he’s okay “

“ I’ll help you, I promise.  First you need to go to the bathroom and wash your face, then change and go have some breakfast with me. Alright ? Then we’ll figure it out “ Brendon says and pats Tyler on the shoulder.  He feels like some vital organ has just been ripped out of his body, but Brendon is right. Sitting around feeling sorry for himself won’t help Josh.

“ Okay “ he says and wipes his face. Thank God for people like Brendon. If it wasn’t for him Tyler would’ve probably overdosed with sleeping pills or cut his arteries by now.  He doesn’t which in Tyler’s eyes is a progress.

 

The day goes by in a blur, but Tyler’s hands never stop shaking. He’s filled with anxiety and fear and it’s almost impossible for him not to go out on the street and look for Josh as long as it takes to find him. Him and Brendon decide to talk to the paramedics , since they’re constantly on the street and the chance of them spotting Josh is pretty high.  He’s also pretty sick , the thought of that making Tyler’s heart wrench with pain, which means that there’s a pretty big chance for him to need medical help. Jenna and Dallon help with spreading the word and soon every single paramedic in the hospital knows how Josh looks and who to call if they spot him.

It’s still not enough and Tyler feels restless , haunted by the thought of Josh being all alone, sick and freezing  out on the street.  Not to mention that his pelvis is badly injured and even though he had treatment it barely got any better. Tyler remembers his last physical therapy session and how difficult it was for Josh to walk on his own. How is he going to survive out there without his ability to walk? How is he going to handle the pain without any painkillers?  How long can a fragile person  like Josh live with HIV before it turns into AIDS and slowly kills him ?

All of those questions are left unanswered and hang heavily in Tyler’s chest all day. When the last rays of January sun hide behind the concrete buildings Tyler literally rips his uniform off and changes as quickly as possible.  His mind is racing, trying to figure out where to look first, where to go first and the only thing that gives him comfort is Brendon’s words , saying that he gave Josh a blanket and food before he left.

The food will keep him going for a little bit and the blanket will shield him from the worst of the cold, but when Tyler walks out of the hospital he realizes how terribly cold it is and how that blanket won’t help Josh survive it.

Feeling both desperate and terrifyingly helpless,  Tyler walks down the street with his hands hidden deep inside his pockets.   Josh could be literally anywhere and the city is so big it would be impossible for Tyler to search everywhere. But that doesn’t stop him from walking around  the streets  for hours , to search for Josh in abandoned buildings and deserted alleys he never even knew existed.

Tyler never realized how many people literally live on the streets with no roof above their heads. There are entire families huddled up in empty and unused buildings m with no electricity or running water. The conditions there are awful , especially for young kids who sleep on the ground wrapped in a few layers of clothing.  It hurts watching them try to warm up their little hands by rubbing them together or blowing warm air on them as they shiver from the cold. This isn’t right, Tyler thinks and feels the tears sting his eyes, this isn’t fair.

So he memorizes a couple of spots in his head, where families with young kids are living and goes home at 3 am to grab all of the blankets he can find. He strips his own bed off blankets and pillows as well and takes everything outside with him. If Josh is going to sleep in the freezing cold because of Tyler than he doesn’t deserve to be warm either. Going back to the spots he memoriezed, Tyler gives everything to the homeless people without a second thought. Their reaction deepens his sadness, because the people are so surprised and grateful, some of them  cry and others thank him about 50 times before he leaves.

He didn’t do anything heroic , just have a couple of blankets away that he didn’t use anyway. This reminds him of Josh when they first met and how the boy literally thanked him for everything. He never stopped doing it and the gratefulness in his brown eyes always sparkled to life when he looked at Tyler.  Homelessness brings a sense of abandonment and utter loneliness, like the whole world has turned its back on you. It brings you down to your knees and crushes you with its force. Tyler never bothered to think about it, but now that he’s forced to do it, he does and it hurts in the worst way possible.

By the time the sun rises he’s a mess, tired, sleep deprived, sad and hopeless. He didn’t find Josh, but he found so many others like Josh who also need help. He can’t help everyone, Tyler knows this, but now that his eyes are opened to their misery, he can’t close them back. It’s irreversible.

The only thought that gives Tyler comfort as he walks discouraged towards the hospital’s main entrance is that at least someone is warmer today thanks to him. It’s not Josh, but it’s someone who has been sleeping on the ground like him, so it’s still something. He hasn’t given up on finding the curly haired boy, but knowing that he’s out there all alone and sick makes Tyler want to rip his own hair out. He will look for Josh no matter how many freezing January nights and days it takes. But until then he will help as many people as he manages along the way, because if he’s learned something form Josh is that when you are kind to others it not only changes you,  it changes the world too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I probably said it a million times before, but I'm not feeling well and whenever I don't feel well or feel sad I write . I can't write happy things, it's just not my thing so don't expect too much happiness out of this fic, but there's hope and whenever there's hope good things can happen despite the dire circumstances. Will Tyler find Josh ? Will Josh survive the winter with his newfound diagnosis ? Stay tuned fellas :)) 
> 
> If you want to make me happy, feel free to leave comments and let me know what you think, even if it's not positive feedback. Did you listen to the playlist ? If yes - what do you think ? Should I keep adding songs ?


	17. 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You should listen to my playlist while reading this fic . You can find it [HERE](http://8tracks.com/ani-m-12350/we-stay-brave-though-we-ve-been-damaged)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Read this story at your own risk cause it's going to be painful as hell my dudes

 

The first night outside is hell. It’s colder than he remembers ever being. This can’t be true though, because he’d spent years sleeping on the concrete and he definitely has been cold before. But not like this.

Because _this_ makes him feel not only cold but so painfully, devastatingly empty. It‘s not really loneliness that bothers him, he’s used to being all alone. It’s the new found feeling of longing for something he can’t possibly have that really tears Josh apart. He used to live with the thought that nobody will ever want him, that he will grow up and die all alone,  because this is how people like him grow up and die. Cast aside, unwanted , unknown.  But now he feels like he _is known_ by someone and he yearns for that feeling night and day.

It tears Josh apart to know that Tyler must be suffering right now because of him. That leaving the way he did must’ve hurt, but it’s better than putting his life in danger.  Sometimes it takes all of his willpower not to crawl out of the makeshift bed he made for himself out of cardboard and the blanket Brendon gave him and make his way back to the hospital just to get a glimpse of Tyler. He misses Tyler so badly it burns him up alive. His delicate hands, his soft lips,  the smell of safety and belonging. Of _him._

But he doesn’t. He spends the first night on the street for over a month ,curled up underneath a park bench where the snow doesn’t reach him, wrapped up in that very precious blanket that the doctor who barely knew him had the kindness to give away. Many thoughts cross his  mind ; of going back, of begging Tyler for forgiveness , hoping that he still wants him back.  He thinks about that key that he didn’t take with him, about the home he gave up so that Tyler could find somebody better to have a home with.  Because Josh is sick. He thinks about that too, and how walking out in front of a car was the best and the worst thing he has ever done.

He met Tyler, fell in love, felt loved, felt at home. 

He learned he’s slowly dying, gave up his love, gave up his home.

It makes him wish that the car that hit him was driving faster, that his body would’ve broken easier. Death makes everything so much simpler. There’s no pain in death, no fear, no disappointment.  Death sounds a lot better than this – being crippled _and_ sick, waiting for death either by starvation or cold,  or disease.  Or heartache.

This is completely new for Josh who has never felt homesick before from the lack of one his entire life. He never felt at home with the people who adopted him when he was seven, even though he loved them despite all of the harm they’ve done to him at that young age.  He felt at home with his sister around, while she was still there with him and that thought wrenches his heart even further.

The memories of her death flow agonizingly through his memories while Josh tries to hug himself tighter in a desperate attempt to feel somewhat warm. But he’s not warm and will never feel warm again.

It was late October . The trees have already lost most of their leafs, leaving only the dark brown and orange ones. The rain hasn’t stopped pouring down for days, wetting everything in their way with no mercy. Josh was up early, long before sunrise, not that he would be able to see it through the thick clouds that covered the sky anyway. The day was cold, wet and promised nothing good.

Josh was slowly making his way down the street, his legs barely supporting his weight and with even heavier heart. It’s been three days since him and Ashley have eaten anything and by now they were absolutely desperate. They’ve been hungry before, but this was by far the worst since they ended up living on the street.  The food has been scarce as the temperature dropped further and the struggle to put anything in their stomachs was almost overwhelming.  They’ve been getting by with some bread and water, but those were eaten long ago and finding something else was failing so far.

He had to figure something out soon, because the other option was to bring Ashley back to the group home they ran away from. The sadness, the marks of angry hands on her tiny  face, the hopelessness that curled her shoulders forward.  She was so sweet, so fragile, crying when Josh cried even before she knew the reason. Living in the group home would crush her like a bug and Josh couldn’t let that happen.

So he went through all of the trashcans he could find in the area before noon, because going further away from their makeshift shelter was dangerous. He was weak; exhausted by lack of food and sleep so walking too much could result in him not being strong enough to walk back. And that would mean leaving his young sister all alone , which he absolutely could not let happen.

The rain wouldn’t stop pouring down in icy sheets and by afternoon Josh was wet, freezing and so hungry he could barely put one leg in front of the other. But he kept going, pushed ahead by the image of going back to his sister with empty hands. He couldn’t do it, he couldn’t bear to see the hunger in her eyes and the hopelessness in her gaze.  No matter how long it took he _had_ to find food. Even if it meant stealing.

It was the only time he has ever stolen anything in his life. He kept telling himself he was doing it for his sister, not for himself and that feeding his starving 10 year old sister would justify a small theft.  

He found himself stumbling down along a muddy street where a local store was huddled up in a small building that looked pretty neglected.  There were things brought outside, like fruits – fresh and dried and nuts that made Josh stop in his tracks and drool at the sight of them. No clerk was to be seen and he must’ve been busy with costumers inside. This was his chance.

Stumbling towards the unguarded food, Josh unbuttoned his torn up coat , in order to hide the food underneath it.  His hands were shaking badly, from both fear and cold, but he knew this was his only chance to get food.

It happened so fast Josh felt dizzy. Taking the cluster of bananas and a pack of walnuts, hiding them underneath the dripping wet coat, stumbling over himself to get away from there as fast as possible and somebody’s voice saying  “ stop”  , followed by a push to his shoulder.

That push is all it takes for Josh to crumble down to the ground, body weak and utterly exhausted to keep its ground. The food fell out from underneath his coat and landed right next to him in the mud on the ground.

Suddenly there was a female voice yelling at him about how  she’s tired of these filthy homeless brats stealing from her husband’s store and how she’s going to call the police if he doesn’t piss off in a matter of two seconds.  The words were ugly and Josh had no defense.  The woman finally bowed down to gather the stolen food and turned around to leave, still grumbling about how sick she is of these homeless mutts bothering her and her family.

The realization that he’d have nothing to take to his sister had finally sunk in. It was too much. Josh was too sick and weak and tired, oh, so tired. Let them call the police and take them to the group home, he thought. Or better yet, let him die right there in the rain.

He didn’t die, but he only realized that what must’ve been hours later, when a dog was licking his face and brought him back to awareness.  It was dark outside, probably late evening , but the rain was still pouring down as if it was trying to drown everyone who dared show up outside.  It took him about a minute to find his bearings and another five to climb back to his feet. He had to go back to their little shelter despite the lack of food and hope he’d bring with him. Ashley has always been scared of the dark and wanted Josh to be by her side during the nights.

He had to go back and meet his sister’s hungry gaze and hope that tomorrow will be better and will bring new hope. Maybe the rain will finally stop and he could beg for money. That was his absolute last resort if nothing else helped, but today even that wouldn’t work because of the rain that wouldn’t stop pouring.  Defeated and sick with guilt Josh wakes his way back to the shelter they’ve made inside an abandoned building. He has to slide through a crack in the wall and stumble through the darkness to where Ashley is laying stock still underneath a blanket.

Josh quietly kneeled down next to his sister and considered his options. If he lies down with her with his wet clothes he’ll wet the cardboard and the cloths they use instead of blankets. If he takes off his clothes he’ll freeze because those makeshift blankets won’t be enough to warm him up. Deciding to take off his coat and lie down with his t-shirt and jeans , Josh threw  the dripping wet clothing on the ground and  snuggled up to Ashley who steered

“ J ? “ she asked with a tiny voice and smiled when he kissed her temple.

“ Yeah it’s me “ he whispered and pressed his body to hers, seeking some warmth after the hellish day  outside in the cold rain.

“ Did you find something to eat ? “ she asked and Josh closed his eyes, collecting himself for the answer he was about to give.

“ No, Ash. But I’ll be up tomorrow morning to go find something, don’t worry. Maybe the communal kitchen will open up and we’ll get something nice and warm “

“ I’d eat a chicken soup right now “she said and smiled, probably remembering the taste of cooked food.  “ Or pasta. Or mashed potatoes “ she was coughing, her lungs whistling along.  She has been sick the last couple of days and Josh was getting worried about her,.

“ Yeah that sounds pretty nice “ Josh said back and tried to remember how a warm chicken soup tasted.  “ We’ll find something tomorrow, I promise “  Josh reassured her and pressed her even closer. “ I’m sorry I dragged you into this “ his voice was shaking and the guilt of taking his 10 year old sister to the streets with him was splitting his heart. “ I promised I’ll take care of you, but I can’t keep that promise “

“ You didn’t drag me, J. I didn’t want to stay in that place and I don’t want to get adopted if you don’t. I want to be with you, okay ? Wherever you go, I go remember ?  “ she kissed Josh’s cheek and coughed again, sounding even worse.

“ Yeah, we’re a team for life. Wherever you go , I go “ he repeated her words which became sort of a pack for them “ I love you,  Ash “

“ I love you too, Josh “ they fell asleep , cuddled up and both shaking from the cold.

When he woke up Ashley wasn’t breathing.

The memory of seeing his sister’s pale face and empty eyes force tears out of Josh’s closed eyes as they wet his frozen by the January cold face.  He clutches the blanket desperately, fighting the unbearable guilt and pain that the memory brought.  He was so young back then, only 13 when they ran away from the group home, but he had to take care of himself and his sister, a task that a 13 year old wasn’t supposed to bear on his shoulders.  Back then he thought they would manage to survive, but the brutal reality crushed him and left him guilty, heartbroken and hating himself.

Since that day, Josh has accepted everything that was happening to him as a sort of a punishment for letting his sister die and not taking a better care of her. The hunger, the cold, the fear and all of the lost day he spent wondering around the streets, they were all deserved.

Thinking about Tyler and remembering his sister’s death wraps him up in a net of pain and hopelessness Josh doesn’t know how to escape. He buries his nose in the t-shirt and inhales, catching something that resembles Tyler’s scent which forces more tears out of his tired eyes. It smells like Tyler, like safety and _home_.

No, Josh doesn’t have a home. He will never have a home or give someone else one. He will die alone and unknown.

_I want to be known by you_  Josh whispers and draws another deep breath that fill his lungs with Tyler’s smell and his head with memories of soft lips and gentle hands. When he exhales everything is gone and he’s all alone again.

 

 

The hand that grabs Tyler when he exists the hospital’s yard surprises him so much he almost falls over himself.  When he regains his balance the hand keeps holding him in a strong grip that doesn’t quite hurt, but doesn’t let up either. Confused, Tyler whips his head around to end up face to face with someone he thought, hoped he won’t see again.  This face has been haunting him months on end, not giving his nightmares a rest.

Simon is standing right in front of Tyler, as tall as the younger man remembers him and just as demeaning as before. He’s still handsome though, Tyler can’t deny that. Despite being over 40, Simon has always been very attractive and charming, if you don’t know him of course. Tyler has fallen for that charm when he was young and desperate for attention and validation. Simon used to call him beautiful and buy him presents that made Tyler feel special and cared for. That was in the beginning of their relationship, before the younger man could even imagine the hell he was about to go through. 

“ You’re still as pretty as I can remember “Simon says and smies a sly smile that makes Tyler want to puke. Finally coming to his senses he wrenches his hand away and rubs it unconsciously.

“ I already told you to leave me the hell alone , Simon “ he says and feels the fear grip his throat. His body is stiff, every muscle in his body ready to run at any given moment.

“ Oh I only want to talk to you for a bit. I’m not here to bother you “ the tone is light and if it was somebody else who didn’t know Simon the way Tyler does, would think that the guy only wants to chat. But Tyler knows better than that. He knows that the monster in front of him will never leave him alone, no matter how much Tyler fights or how many time he says he doesn’t want this anymore.

“ We have nothing to talk about. We’re done, Simon. Do you understand that ? “ Tyler snaps and turns around to leave, because his body is shaking and all he wants is to go home and wrap himself in 20 layers until he feels safe enough.

“ I think we do though. There’s a lot of catching up to do, don’t you think ? “

“ I ‘m tired and I want to go home. Don’t bother me or I’ll go to the police again “Tyler tries to sound threatening but instead it comes out weak and unconvincing even to his own ears.

“ Oh I bet you will “ Simon snickers and looks Tyler up and down as if he wants to devour him. It makes the latter sick. “ But unlike you, I’ve been keeping an eye on what you’re up to. Being a good little nurse, helping the poor and unfortunate “ Simon keeps talking while Tyler walks away , but the last part of the sentence makes him stop in his tracks. Is he talking about Josh ? Does he know ?

“ What are you trying to say ?  “ Tyler turns around and looks at Simon with all of the hatred he can muster. “ What is this ? Are you threatening  me ? “

“ Oh but why do you think everything is about you “ Simon laughs and locks eyes with Tyler. If he needed a proof that the bastard knows everything that’s been happening in his life – he reads it in Simon’s eyes. He knows everything.”  You’ve been keeping yourself busy , haven’t you ? Made new friends, met new people “  he keeps throwing hints at Tyler who wants to wrap his fingers around Simon’s throat and squeeze until he’s turned blue.

“ It’s none of your fucking business. We’re done . You have no right to do this “ Tyler knows that his voice is shaking , but he still tires to sound as firm as possible.

“ As you say “ Simon smiles again , but he takes a few steps towards Tyler who crosses his arms over his chest from defensiveness  “ But if you don’t want to talk to me I’m pretty sure that Josh will be more willing. “ the mention of Josh’s name triggers something in Tyler, something ugly and painful and dark.

“ Don’t you fucking dare “ he  says and takes a step towards Simon who grins with satisfaction “ Don’t even mention him . Whatever _this_ is, it’s between you and me. Keep him away from this “  suddenly the image of Simon getting a hold of Josh appears in his head and it’s so awful and scary Tyler doesn’t want to even think about it. He’d rather kill Simon that let him touch Josh.

“ I will, until you cooperate. Be careful with that temper of yours though. If you make me mad someone innocent might get hurt “ they’re so close now their noses are almost touching. The gleam in the taller man’s eyes is so menacing Tyler feels small and weak .

“ What do you want from me ? “ Tyler holds his ground and doesn’t move away when Simon leans in and almost touches his ear with his lips

“ I want you. I want you all for myself, Tyler. You belong to me and nobody else “ a hand grips his jaw and Tyler closes his eyes just in time when the kiss lands on his lips. He tries to pull away but the hand is holding him in place, not letting him get away. “ That’s a good boy “ Simon purrs and pulls away.

“ You know I should be mad at you for betraying me “ he says, returning his light tone , as if he didn’t just threaten Tyler’s and Josh’s lives.  “ But you know I’ve got a soft spot for you,  so I can’t stay angry at you for long.  Plus I’ve had plenty of time to reflect on my life back in my cell. Maybe  I wasn’t being the best boyfriend I could be. But you know what ? I’m willing to give it another shot. “ Tyler is sick. This can’t be happening.  This can’t be happening _again._  He won’t survive any more of that.

“ This is my address  “ Simon slips a note inside Tyler’s jacket pocket “ When you make up your mind, come by. But just remember , I’m not gonna wait forever. My pals are already looking for new additions “ he adds and winks at Tyler who wants to throw himself at Simon and claw at his face until it bleeds. Those “pals” are his old friends he used to share Tyler with.  Most of them are associates, politicians and such, always eager to fucks someone young, pretty and not necessarily willing. Simon has always had pretty powerful friends and that’s probably the reason why he’s out of prison so fast.

Simon leans in and kisses him on the lips again before taking off into the night. Tyler stands in the middle of the street, still too shocked to process what just happened. How can his life turn from  happy and hopeful only a few weeks ago to …. this. Not only did he lose Josh,  but now he’s worried about Simon finding him and hurting him. What if he has already found him  ?

Shaking, uncontrollably Tyler walks back into the hospital, too terrified to stay on his own back at his place after the encounter.  Manages to take a couple of steps inside before his legs give out and he drops down to his knees in the middle of the main entry.

A nurse from the ER comes to check if he’s okay and calls someone else for help. Brendon Is there in a minute, grabbing Tyler and helping him get to the chairs nearby.

“Ty, what happened ? “ his friend asks and looks worried “ Are you okay ? “

“ No “ Tyler says and shakes his head violently from side to side. Nothing is okay. Nothing will ever be okay for him.

“ Okay, let’s get you up in the examination room so I can check you out “ Brendon says and Tyler is too weak to protest so he leans on Brendon when the latter hoists him up from the chair.

“ You look very pale, did you eat today ? “ Brendon asks him on the way there , but Tyler doesn’t answer. Brendon closes the curtain around them and looks at Tyler with very worried expression.

“Okay are you having a depressive episode ? Panic attack ? Bad memories?  “ his friend tries to figure it out while Tyler keeps shaking his head.

“ Simon was waiting for me outside “

“ What ? “ Brendon almost screams and looks outraged. “ So they did let him go from prison ? That fucking piece of shit !! How does he have the nerve to show up here “ Brendon is furious and looks about ready to kick someone’s ass.

“ He came here to threaten me, Told me he knows everything. He knows about Josh, about us being together and stuff .. . “

“ Son of a bitch “ Brendon curses and crouches down in front of Tyler sitting on the bed. “ You wanna come sleep at my place tonight ? I don’t want you to stay alone, okay ? “

“ I honestly don’t want to cause you trouble “ Tyler mumbles, but the thought of staying all alone at his place after today’s encounter makes him feel nauseous.

“ Come on , Ty. You won’t be causing me any trouble. Just stay over for a bit until we figure out what to do with that piece of trash. “ and Tyler gives in, weakened by fear and needing to feel some sort of security.

“ Okay. Thanks, Bren “ he says and feels Brendon’s hand ruffling his hair gently.

“ It’s no problem. I’m off in about 30 minutes, you can stay here and wait for me.”

Tyler can’t stop looking around all the time when they exit the hospital, feeling paranoid and anxious. Thank God that Brendon owns a car so they don’t have to walk down the empty streets at night. January is more freezing than Tyler can remember and all of his thoughts turn to Josh who right now is probably trying to get warm somewhere.  It’s been two weeks since he last seen the curly haired boy and ever since then he can’t find any peace. He’s been looking for Josh every day, spending his off time walking around and asking about him. It turns out that the city is too big, too full of potential hiding places making it almost impossible to find the boy.

He looks out of the window as they drive through the empty street s and subconsciously looks everywhere , examines every person sitting or lying on the street. He will probably never look at homeless people the same way he did before now thanks to Josh. Before they were misfortunate people who ended up the way they did before they drank their money or gambled them away. Before he saw them as junkies and prostitutes. But not anymore. Now the first thought that crosses his mind when he sees someone curled up on the street is when was their last meal or where their family is right now. Were they abandoned just like Josh was when they were young ? Did their parents die or left without looking back ? Have they ever been loved ? Have they ever been in love? 

He can’t change that anymore. He sees Josh in every hallow and slim face looking up at him from the wet asphalt.  He hates how much he misses those warm chocolate colored eyes and the kindness they always carried.

Tyler can’t sleep when he settles down on Brendon’s couch and covers himself with the two blankets his friend has left him.  How can he sleep at a time like this ?

There’s a candle on the table that throws a soft light on the wall behind him and makes him think of Josh. He’d never met people like him before, but he’s heard of them. Good people. Kind people. They are very much like candles. They burn themselves up to give others light. 

Tyler watches the candle slowly melt and turn into wax , finally giving out and leaving him in the dark, all lone with his thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took me a while to update. I was writing something else and my health ( as usual) is making it difficult to be consistent. I had a seizure in the middle of a busy subway train yesterday which still makes me feel pretty unfomy just remembering it. So I spent most of today's day in bed just writing my frustration out. 
> 
> Hopefully you enjoyed this painful chapter :) Feel free to let me know what you thought about it or suggest stuff.  
> You can always find me on [Tumblr](http://i-m-a-goner-takeitslow.tumblr.com/) where we can become friends and stuff :)))


	18. 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay just in case anyone gets confused I'll explain before you read. The timelines are kind if weird because Josh's point of view follows his first days/weeks after he left the hospital, where Tyler's is in present , when a couple of weeks have already passed. I just wanted to tell the story from Josh's point of view and give you guys an idea of what his life is after he ends up alone.
> 
> I hope it's not too confusing :)) let me know if you have any questions and excuse the grammar mistakes that are no doubt there ( I'm too tired to proof read)

Josh sleeps under the park bench for three days until one morning someone nudges him awake with their boot. He starts, folding in on himself in a self-preservation instinct while his brain struggles to wake up from the long sleep. He remembers falling asleep at noon and now it looks like the sun has just risen above the frozen city.

“ You need to move from here “ someone’s voice comes from above , followed by another nudge. “ Hey, are you awake ? “ not wanting to be kicked any more Josh slowly uncurls from his position and pulls the blanket down to show he’s awake

“ You need to find another place to sleep, this is the city park and you can’t stay here “ there are two police officers standing right in front of the bench he’s been sleeping underneath. Josh has been expected to be thrown away from there, because it’s a public place and all, but he was still hoping that nobody will notice him for another day or two.

“ Okay  “ Josh says and crawls from underneath the wooden bench, taking his blanket and a plastic bag along. The movement of course causes him immediate pain, shooting down his spine and exploding in his pelvic area. He can’t stand up, so one of the officers has to help him along. It’s definitely not the one who nudged him awake. This one looks sympathetic and less aggressive then the other one.

“ Go on, find a new place to get yourself high “ the other officer says and looks at Josh impatiently. It’s useless to try and convince them he’s not an addict so Josh limps down the park alley, gripping his blanket with both hands.

The air is freezing , but at least the snow has stopped falling in white streams. Everything is covered in snow, which makes it a lot more difficult to find a dry place to stay. Josh looks around and tries to remember a good place he’s slept in during other freezing winters. There’s a railway track not far from the park that has  a bridge crossing it from above. If he can make it to the bridge he’ll surely find a dry place to stay, but in his condition every inch of walking is painful and difficult. 

Not knowing what else to do, Josh walks. He’s tempted to lie down on the ground and have some rest, but falling asleep in the snow means freezing to death. So he doesn’t give in to the temptation and keeps walking slowly. His shoes are soon wet , along with his feet and he knows he’ll get sick if he can’t find a somewhat warm place.

The sun is already high in the sky when Josh finds the bridge – a tall and long structure that hangs above the ground. This is rather industrial zone, with a rail track and a couple of industrial buildings around which makes it a pretty good place to stay if you don’t want to be found. The structure under the bridge consists of huge and wide columns that support the bridge as well as concrete compartments that lead up higher and form sort of a tunnel.

As soon as Josh reaches the underside of the bridge he can see the evidence of life there. The smoke is an aftermath of a fire and the bottles of alcohol scattered around prove his suspicion. There are people huddled up inside the tight spaces between the concrete compartments and the ceiling of the bridge that’s not high enough for Josh to stand straight.  It’s not packed, which gives him hope that he can find his own little space underneath the big structure and settle there for a while.

Some of the residents rise when they see him , mostly older people with tired and hopeless eyes staring at him. He moves slowly, just in case he’s not welcome , but nobody makes a move to chase him away.

Josh settles down at the far end  of the compartment and sits down, feeling extremely tired by the long walk. He’s not starving, thanks to the food Brendon has given him. It wasn’t a lot, but enough to get him through the first three days. He split the food in small portions, just enough to keep him from starving and there’s still small amount left in the plastic bag that Josh plans to eat later today. Tomorrow though, he will have to start looking for food. That’s the biggest struggle for homeless people, besides staying warm during the terribly freezing February nights.

There isn’t much to do but watch the trains go by and daydreaming about being on one of those trains. Josh wonders where are they going as he watches them speed down the rail tracks and imagines being on one of them and leaving this lonely city. Would he find something better if he moved far away from here ? Or would it be just the same – cold, lonely and hopeless. Probably the second.

Josh lies down and tries to curl himself into a small ball as much as he can in order to get warm. He’s wrapped in his blanket, but the cold concrete floor still sucks most of the heat out of his body. At least the wind can’t blow at him down there.

Turning around to face the wall Josh sees writings decorating it and struggles to read something. This bridge has served as a shelter to many people who have left a trace after themselves. It takes him a good hour to read the sentence that’s written in neat, even beautiful handwriting right above him, but obviously Tyler’s lesson has paid off , because he reads it :  “ You come to the Earth with nothing and you’re going to leave the Earth with nothing “, followed by another sentence written in a different handwriting, as an afterthought ..   “ _Timothy 6:7 -_ _For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out._ _”_

 _Good thing I don’t have anything to carry out_ Josh thinks and closes his eyes, rocked to sleep by the sound of a train rolling nearby.

 

He’s woken up by a female voice some hours later, when the darkness has already fallen and the air has gotten even more freezing.

“ Hey boy “ the voice keeps calling him and Josh opens his eyes, only then realizing how badly his body is shaking. “ You should come by the fire “ it’s one of the other homeless people then, that must’ve started a fire.

“ Really ? “ Josh asks weakly while his teeth clatter loudly.

“ Yes, no need to freeze over here. You can join us “ the old woman stands up and goes to the fire on the other side of the compartment.

There’s a small circle of people surrounding the fire that’s lit up in a big barrel. Josh feels anxious to approach all of these strangers and feels like he’s intruding, but the woman did invite him after all, didn’t she ?

So he slowly and painfully makes his way down to the other end and stands a couple of feet away from the fire, feeling the heat even from there.

“ Come closer, nobody’s going to hurt ya “ a man chimes in and waves Josh over. He smiles and takes a few steps until he’s standing right in front of the fire. God it feels absolutely heavenly. They shuffle around and make him space to stand in front of the barrel. Most the of the people have bottles in their hands, other have cigarettes. Everyone has their own way of escaping the pain.

“ You’re pretty young aren’t’ you ? “ a bearded guy turns to Josh “ Where are your parents at ? “

“ I don’t know “ he answers and stares into the fire , avoiding everyone’s eyes.

“ Mine are dead “ the man repots and takes a swing out of his bottle

“ You lucky bastard “ a woman says laughing, but her laughter turns to a fit of coughs.

Josh stays quiet and listens to them argue, or rather banter between each other. He’s not very talkative anyway, with his stuttering and anxiety it doesn’t make him a good interlocutor.

It feels good to have someone around him though because the loneliness and solitude has been getting him a lot lately. He’s been back on the streets for about 5 days, but he’s already feeling almost unbearably lonely. If he doesn’t sleep he’s trying to push the thoughts about Tyler aside which never really works. He can’t help but wonder what is his friend.. well ex friend doing at the moment ? Is he still at work ? Is he already home and getting ready for bed ? Is he lonely ?

Josh has his blanket moved closer to the warm barrel and that’s how he ends up falling asleep – wrapped in his blanket and in his thoughts about Tyler. He will probably never stop thinking about the boy with the ocean deep brown eyes and soft shaking hands. It’s both a blessing and a curse, having someone to love, Josh concludes. It hurts , but at least you feel something, He has spent his entire life being numb to feelings , so pain isn’t really that bad of a change.

 

 |-/

 

Since the encounter with Simon happened Tyler’s life has become one never ending nightmare. No matter how hard he tries to come up with a solution to the problem, he simply can’t. He doesn’t see a way out or any way for everyone to walk away unharmed.  If he bends and goes to Simon he will start the cycle of being used and abused all over again which he won’t survive. He managed to survive once and somehow rip himself out of his abuser’s hold, but he’s pretty sure he won’t get so lucky the second time around. Simon is probably furious with him, for betraying him and giving him to the police and if he gets the chance for revenge he will surely take it.

And then there’s Josh. Homeless, defenseless , ill and injured Josh.  The boy is alone and vulnerable , with nobody to count on and nobody to turn to if something happens to him. Well there’s Tyler , but Josh clearly doesn’t want to be with him , probably out of fear of infecting him with HIV.

If Simon decides to hurt Josh , he will surely do it and nobody will be there to stop him.  Tyler has been looking for Josh for weeks now, but there’s still no result.  If he only knew where the boy was, he would drag him home even if it was against his will. He never felt so protective over anyone , except his younger sister. Maybe he never truly loved anyone before Josh ? He never felt loved before, that’s for sure. He never felt safe or at home with neither of his past boyfriends. They’ve all been older than him, more powerful than him both physically and mentally and never missed an opportunity to use that against Tyler who has always thought he’d loved them.

But ever since he met Josh  , he has been doubting that he ever knew what love is. Love isn’t tolerating somebody’s abuse. It isn’t built on fear or dependency , or even attraction.  But that’s all that love has been for Tyler all these years. Meeting Josh made him think about that. It steered something inside of his chest , that was both painful and amazing. Could that be love ? True love, like it’s supposed to be ? Or is it just gratefulness or pity or maybe sympathy ?

Тyler steers on Brendon’s sofa and sits up, unable to fall asleep, torn by questions and fears.  Was meeting Josh a good thing ? He’s been all alone for over a year and he was doing just fine. He didn’t need anyone, didn’t depend on anyone, didn’t want anything from anyone. And now …. God now he can’t eat or sleep, knowing that Josh is out there , all alone and threatened by that monster Simon. 

Angered by his own helplessness, Tyler stands up and quietly makes his way to the small terrace to get some fresh air and clear his head.  Does he love Josh ? How can he tell ? Who else does he love ? His sister Madison, Tyler loves her. He wants to protect her from everything bad in this world. Seeing her hurt, hurts him too. _I feel absolutely the same about Josh_ Tyler thinks and observes the street that’s quiet and dark underneath him. 

There’s rustling behind him and a moment later Brendon appears next to him

“ Hey why aren’t you asleep ? “ he asks, looking pretty tired himself

“ You know why “ Tyler mumbles and keeps observing the pavement and the trash that’s being blown around , back and forth by the wind.

“ You won’t help him by worrying yourself to death, Ty “ Brendon says and sighs “ You haven’t been eating or sleeping. How long do you think you’ll last like this ? “

“ What am I supposed to do ?  “ Tyler raises his voice and regrets it immediately . Brendon is one of the few people whom he can call a friend. He’d let him into his house so that Tyler wouldn’t have to stay alone and promised to help him find Josh. Screaming at his only ally isn’t the best idea at the moment.

“ I can’t sleep Bren, because I keep dreaming of all the ways Simon can hurt Josh. I keep seeing it every time I close my eyes because _I know_ what he can do to a person “ saying it makes Tyler feel even more sick.

“ Listen, I know. I know you’re going through a nightmare right now, but Josh needs you. You do want to find him , right ? “ Brendon raises his brows in question  “ Right ? “

“ Of course I do “ Tyler mumbles

“ Then you need to pull your shit together. All right ?  I’m making you breakfast and you’re eating it “ Brendon says , but his voice isn’t stern or angry. He pats Tyler on the shoulder and goes inside, leaving the younger man to stare at the empty streets.

Tyler isn’t any more hungry or any less sick when the breakfast is ready, but he sits down at the table to show Brendon that he’s trying. It’s 5 am ,the dawn hasn’t even broken yet , but it’s clear that neither of them can sleep , so they make themselves busy with the food.

“ Do you think we should go to the police ? “ Tyler breaks the silence

“ To tell them about Simon blackmailing you ? I don’t think that’s the smartest thing to do “ Brendon answers and with furrowed brows

“ No, I mean tell them Josh is missing. File a report or something “

“ Oh” Brendon says and contemplates it for a moment “ I don’t think they will take it seriously. I mean technically Josh is homeless. How can a homeless person be missing if they don’t even have an address or a place to stay ?  “

“ But … “ Tyler tries to object, but Brendon is right.  Josh isn’t minor and there’s no law that can make him stay with Tyler. It was his choice to leave.

“ So what do we do ? How do we find him ?  We’ve been looking everywhere and  completely failing so far”  Tyler says and plays with his scrambled eggs.

“ Maybe “ Brendon starts saying and hesitates before continuing “ Maybe we’re not looking in the right places “

“ What do you mean ? Where else can we look ? “

“ No I mean, we don’t know where to look because we don’t know where a homeless person would go right ? “  Brendon says and it sounds like he’s on some kind of track.

“ Right “ Tyler confirms and leaves his eggs to shift his entire attention to Brendon

“ So we need someone who has ….”

“…. Been homeless “ Tyler finishes and sees Brendon smiling.

“ Exactly. We need someone with that kind of mindset. Someone who knows how to survive during the winter on the streets.  “

“ Okay, okay , you’re right. But … we can’t just go to some homeless person and ask for help “ Tyler says and wonders if Doc was alive , would _he_ help them find Josh. If only Tyler managed to save him somehow, besides burying him in an anonymous grave.

“ No, we can’t. But I know someone who might help us “ Brendon says with a smile that Tyler mirrors.  There’ someone who might help them. Someone who will probably know where to look or who to ask.  Hope flutters inside Tyler’s chest like a wounded bird trying to fly again.

His name is Mark Brave Rock, or at least that’s his street name. He ended up on the street at the age of 14 and spent the next 30 years drinking himself to oblivion and living all over the city. If someone knows where a person can survive without a shelter – it’s him.

Brendon arranges a meeting with Mark in the afternoon at the central park.  The guy is tall and bulky , with red eyes and round face that speaks of the roughness he had to endure through his life. He greets both of them, first hugging Brendon and then shaking Tyler’s hand in a light grip.

They sit down at a bench after Brendon introduces the other two and turns to Mark.

“ Like I told you earlier, I called you because we need your help finding someone. He’s young, homeless and as far as we know pretty ill.  We’ve been searching all over for him, but it seems like we can’t find him on our own. We were hoping you might help us with direction or ideas where to look for him “ the  man listens to Brendon very carefully and nods when the younger man finishes speaking.

“ How old is your friend ? “ he asks and turns to Tyler.

“ 19 “ Tyler answers and Mark nods again,

“ Ah I see. Has he been homeless for a long time ? Or did he lose his home recently ?”

“ He’s been living on the street for 6 years , as far as I know “ Tyler answers and deosn’t miss the flicker of sadness in Mark’s eyes.

“ That means he’s experiences which is good.  But if he really is sick than we need to find him as soon as we can.  He might not be able to take care of himself and that equals death if you’re sheltering from the winter outside. “ the man definitely talks from experience , judging by the deep creases decorating his face and the unmistakable sorrow in his eyes.

“ You’re going to help us, right ? “ Tyler asks and feels like he’ll beg if he has to , in order to convince the guy to help them.

"This is why I'm here " Mark's smile is kind and his eyes are warm, resembling Josh's a little. Both homeless , abandoned and suffered a lot , and yet so good hearted. Tyler has never heard Josh complain about his life or blame the system for his misery. It's still secret to him how these homeless and abandoned people dont end up being bitter about their life.

His phone beeps while Brendon gives Mark more details about Josh. Who would message him ?Nobody ever does that.

 **Unknown number** : your time is running out

Blood freezes in his veins when he reads the first out of what seems to be endless stream of messages.

 **Unknown number** : tick tock

 **Unknown number** : tick tock

 **Unknown number** : tick tock

 **Unknown number** : you have to make a choice Tyler

 **Unknown number** : your lover boy seems pretty sick. He should get something for that cough

And this is actual threat. Simon either bluffs or he knows exactly where Josh is and has known the entire time. 

Tyler's hands start shaking so hard he almost drops his phone. Brendon looks at him concearned.

" Tyler what's wrong ? "

" We need to find him. We have to do it soon or ... he will get hurt really badly " Tyler forces out and clenches his phone as hard as he can in his hand.

" I have a shift at the hospital , so I'm gonna have to leave " Brendon says and squeezes Tyler's shoulder in apology " But I'm counting on you Mark to help Tyler out. I'll join tonight when my shift ends, okay ?" 

Mark nods and hugs Brendon who hugs Tyler.

" We'll find him okay ? We'll find him " Brendon reassures Tyler before leaving.

His time is running out. The clock ticks Josh's life away and it's all so terrifying Tyler honestly doesn't want to face any of it. Josh dying, him going back to Simon, involving Brendon and ending up hurting him too. And it would be all his fault.

With all of this guilt weighing on his shoulders Tyler can barely walk, but he does anyway. The dying bird in his chest flutters its wings once again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usually this is sad and I am sorry. Well not really. I can tell yall have been enjoying the pain :))
> 
> I wrote a 6k long chapter so I had to split it in two woops. But good news is , you'll get the next chap pretty soon
> 
> Psa the guy Mark Brave Rock is real and his story is pretty real too. As well as all of the details you will get about homelessness. It's all real and all pretty sad.
> 
> P.s Simon is a dick
> 
> p.s p.s - pls leave feedback because I always end up getting anxiety when you guys don't comment


	19. 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again this happens like a week or so earlier than the events from Tyler's point of view. 
> 
> There's a slight mention of sexual abuse you might want to be careful about if you're sensitive to that topic. This is all around a sad chapter so beware. 
> 
> Listen to my playlist if you still haven't. You can find it [here](http://8tracks.com/ani-m-12350/we-stay-brave-though-we-ve-been-damaged)

When Josh wakes up and tries to take a breath he finds out he can’t. Panicking Josh opens his eyes and grips his throat with both hands, clawing at it in attempt to free himself from whatever’s blocking his airway.

There’s nothing around his throat, but he still can’t breathe so he forces himself to cough and it feels like a thousand shattered pieces of glass are filling his airways.  Josh coughs again and this time he manages to unblock whatever’s stuck in his throat, but what’s worse is that he sees red all over his hands when he looks down. The sun is just rising and the temperatures are so cold It actually hurts his skin , where it makes contact with the icy air.

Josh coughs some more and sees a bigger amount of blood sprayed over the blanket and his folded hands. This looks bad. He’s not a doctor’ but he’s smart enough to know that coughing blood means something serious. He needs  medical attention, but going to the hospital is not an option. He can’t go back there ,no matter how much trouble he’s in.

So he sits up and feels the sharp pain piercing his lungs and the other pain that never quite leaves his bones. Combined together it creates an unbearable feeling of falling apart with very movement. How much time does he have left before his body literally falls apart , defeated by the treacherous disease that plagues his body ?  A year ? half a year ? A few months ? 

Josh prefers shorter life, because if he’s going to suffer and then die, he’d rather suffer for a month or tвo rather than a whole year. He’d seen people with AIDS before, living on the streets, slowly fading away right in front of him. HIV isn’t uncommon among addicts and treatment is rarely an option for abandoned and poor people that live on the street. Once it starts there’s no stopping. You can literally die for within a day or drag it out for months until your entire body shuts down and the smallest thing can kill you.

Once he starts coughing he can’t stop. It goes on and on until his vision swims and darkens and his lungs scream for air. His chest hurts and his throat is sore and he can’t take a proper breath.

Josh needs water, but has none so he kneels up, wrapping the blanket around himself and looks around. His teeth clatter and his face hurts from being exposed to the freezing air.

Just in time the older woman who invited him to the fire a few days ago gives him a bottle of water.

“ Do you want a drink ? You sound pretty bad, boy. This could be pneumonia, you need to check yourself “ she says and pushes the bottle in his hands.

Thankfully the water is warm and Josh manages a couple of gulps before he needs to cough again.

“ Thank you “ he croaks out and wipes his mouth. There’s still copper taste lingering in his mouth even after he rinses his mouth clean.

He knows that the woman is right and that if he doesn’t seek medical help soon this could turn into something deadly. Dying on the street is something Josh has been whiteness more times than he’d liked to be.  It’s always terrible, no matter how many times it happens. It could be disease, injury , hypothermia or starvation. The agony is all the same.  Some people get beaten to death and others are raped or abused, dying from blood loss and internal injuries. He’d seen way too many of those deaths. And the worst part is knowing that nothing will change and no one will notice, no matter how many people die outside where everyone can see, but nobody wants to look.

Josh sits there , underneath the bridge and listens to another train rolling by. A brief thought of walking out in front of one of those speeding trains crosses his mind. It would be short and painless death.

But what If they take his barely recognizable body to the morgue when Tyler is at work ? No, absolutely not. Josh can’t do this to Tyler. If he decides to die he will make sure it’s somewhere far enough for people not to find him and take him to the said hospital.

It’s excruciating; his injuries are causing him enough pain without the agony in his chest that threatens to tear it right open. Despite that Josh manages to gather his stuff – the blanket and the plastic bag he’s been carrying around with himself and gets ready to leave. Before he does though he goes to the woman who invited him to get warm by the fire and gives her the remaining of the loaf of bread from Brendon, along with a small piece of chicken meat. It’s his way to say thank you for being kind and looking out for him. The woman doesn’t want to take it at first , but the hunger must’ve won over good manners. It’s not like Josh will need food if where he’s going.

They say goodbye and Josh wishes them all luck, then leaves the safety of the bridge’s solid structure. It’s begun to snow again and he gets wet pretty quickly. His blanket is folded and pushed underneath his jacket to keep it dry, so he’ll have at least something that’s not soaking wet.

He heads back to the city, coughing, limping and tired. He needs to find a shelter. There, he could receive free medical help, although he’s been sent away before due to his lack of ID. Josh hopes that coughing blood is enough to convince the people there he won’t survive without their kindness and they will take him in.

He knows pretty much all of the shelters in the city and the emergency ones are in _very_ bad shape. He wouldn’t go to an emergency shelter if he wasn’t so desperate, but the chances of being sent away from there are slimmer. They take in pretty much anyone, no matter their age, race or social status. If you’ve got no roof over your head and no place to sleep you’re welcome there.

The underside of it is though that it’s always crowded, poorly furnished and often dangerous. There’s barely any filter to what kind of people end up there , which mostly means alcoholics , drug addicts and prostitutes.

Josh drags himself down the street and tries to think positively. The place might not be a 5 star hotel , but they serve food and it’s a bit warmer than outside and most importantly – they provide free medical help on the spot. Josh needs medical help. His chest is heavy and filled with shattered glass pieces that cut his airways every time he coughs. He’s weak and tired and probably feverish. He’s in no condition to walk around like this, but what choice does he have ?

People throw him glances as he makes his way down the icy streets. He’s wrapped himself up in a blanket and pulled the grey beanie as far down as he could. His pelvis hurts and it’s a lot worse than a week ago when he got discharged from the hospital. All the walking is probably messing with his still healing bones, but lying down and not moving around isn’t an option. So Josh walks.

The city is big so getting from point A to point B takes him hours. He takes a seat after a while, exhausted and overwhelmed by how easily he gets tired.  Before he used to be able to walk all day , in hunt for food or a proper place to spend the night, but right now he’s out of breath and tired from walking an hour or so.

Josh sits at a bench for a bit to catch his breath , but he’s freezing in no time. The wind blows with no  mercy and the snow starts falling faster with every minute. He’ll be soaking wet in no time which is really bad. He tries to collect himself , willing his body to move, to stand up and walk but he’s too weak.

Josh manages to stand up from the bench, but his knees give away and he crumbles down to the ground. The blanket softens his fall, but it still hurts when he lands on the ground, gritting his teeth from the pain. Tears rush to his eyes and Josh doesn’t want to cry, he really doesn’t , but everything is just so difficult and he’s oh so helpless. He coughs, another fit that rattles his lungs and burns his airways and by the time he can take a proper breath his head is spinning.

He sits on the wet ground with tears running down his face and brain trying to come up with a way out of this situation. Finding none he just coughs and concentrates on breathing and trying not to be in people’s way.

And just in time someone bumps in him and almost trips, sending Josh further down on the ground. His instinct is to fold in on himself and look as small as possible, but the person who tripped over him actually apologizes which is first.

“ I didn’t see you there, boy “ he says and crouches near Josh who still can’t take a proper breath. “ What are you doing down on the ground huh ? “  his voice doesn’t sound angry or annoyed and carries a note of worry. This makes Josh unfold and look up. The man looks in his mid-40’s or early 50’s . He looks pretty big, but his eyes are kind and worried so he doesn’t feel threatening.

“ Do you need help getting up ?” Josh nods and feels himself being lifted from the wet mushy ground and onto the bench he has just fallen from.

“ There, this is better “ the man brushes the snow off him and re-arranges the blanket to cover his shoulders properly.

“ Thank you so much “ Josh says when he finally finds his voice „ I’m sorry I tripped you over “ the apologizes , but the man smiles and waves his hand

“ It’s fine, I didn’t even fall. So are you going to tell me what you were doing on the ground ? “  the man sits next to him and looks at Josh with friendly expression. It still baffles him why would anyone want to be friendly with him, but he’s grateful.

“ I kind of fell “ Josh mumbles and struggles to find a better way to explain his situation. He fell because he’s too weak to sit straight and his body hurts too much to support his weight. “ I don’t feel too well, that’s all “ he adds and tries to look like he’s not about to pass out.

“ Yeah you sure look like it “ the man says and offers Josh his hand “ My name is Mark by the way. My friends call me Rock though. “he smiles when Josh hesitantly squeezes his hand.

“ I’m Josh. Thank you so much for helping me out “ Josh says before another fit of coughs cut him off.

“ It’s nothing. You shouldn’t be outside right now, kid. You sound pretty sick and the temperatures are very low today. You could freeze , ya know ? “  Josh knows. He knows that if it wasn’t for this man he’d probably freeze to death , lying next to the bench without anyone noticing.

“ I know. I was heading for the Mercy’s shelter, but …. “ Josh sniffles and wipes his eyes that are still wet from crying earlier “ I’ve been walking all morning and I guess I got tired. “

“ Do you need help getting there ? I can come with you, if you want ? “ Mark suggests and Josh wants to thank all gods for sending this kind and caring human being to help him.

“ Are you sure ? I don’t want to be an inconvenience “ Josh says, but prays that the man will say yes.

“ Of course I’m sure. I can’t just leave you here all alone in this condition, can I ? “ actually anyone else could easily walk away, but not this guy. He gently pats Josh’s shoulder and sits with him until the younger man feels confident enough to try and stand on his feet again.

It’s slow and shaky and difficult, but with the  Rock’s help Josh actually manages to walk. The older man even gives him his jacket, even though Josh tries not to take it fiercely at first, but the man is adamant. He has other jackets, so this one jacket being gone won’t make much difference.

Now that he’s warmer and has someone to help him, Josh feels a lot better. Not just physically, but emotionally too. For the first time since leaving the hospital he doesn’t feel unbearably alone.

The man , as it turns out used to be homeless too. The Rock talks about himself as they walk down the empty streets and his story is not any prettier than Josh’s. He ended up all alone at a pretty early age when his father went to prison and his mother was already diseased from cancer. The situation is awfully familiar to Josh who ended up at the system’s mercy as well and knows how things work there. You get neglected and often abused, you run away and end up on the street. Then you develop an addiction, in Mark’s case to alcohol and spend the rest of your life trying to get rid of it.  You drink to drown out the pain and cause yourself even more pain in the process which is a never ending cycle.

Mark somehow managed to rip himself away from that life , even though it took him many many years. Right now he’s volunteering to help homeless people and runs a couple of programs that help young homeless kids with education and self-awareness.  In Josh’s eyes this man is absolute hero.

They talk on the way to the shelter and Josh honestly feels sad when they finally get there. He wants to ask Mark to stay  , but of course he can’t. He doesn’t want to deprive other people of Mark’s priceless help and there are a lot of people who need it.

He receives a hug though, and a promise from the Rock to come back to see him which makes Josh feel a little bit less devastatingly lonely. The sole fact that people like him exist makes everything better.

The shelter looks a lot like prison, with its barred windows and high walls surrounding it from every side.  Josh knows that inside he won’t be safe. It’s full of people with nothing to lose, high, drunk or mentally unstable. He has slept in shelters like this one before and feeling safe or sane in there is absolutely impossible.

Bad memories invade his brain as he makes his way through the muddy yard where people can be found puking or drinking bottles of unknown alcohol  all across the ground. Josh doesn’t want to remember, he doesn’t want to feel or see the things he felt and seen in a place just like this one when he was 14, but he’s helpless against the terrifying memories.

He was 14 when he ended up in an emergency shelter for the first time. Minors are usually not allowed in shelters without a guardian or a parent, but in places like this one nobody usually checks Id’s or ask too many questions.  Nobody gets searched for weapons or drugs and there are no guards around to keep the drunk and high at bay.

Nobody asked him questions in that freezing January evening 5 years ago, when he ended up on their doorstep, hypothermic and scared to death.  The shelter was packed with people and everyone slept in one big room.  There were no beds, no blankets or sheets. Just mattresses, scattered across the floor where people were lying or sitting. The conditions were absolutely basic, but Josh was grateful. There was no snow to fall down on him and no wind to freeze him to the bone.  It felt good to be inside after many freezing nights spent under the stars.

That feeling of safety didn’t last long though.  When night fell everything became one huge nightmare. It was the first time he was sexually abused, the first one of many to come.

The man was high on something strong and came at Josh with a knife in the middle of the night.  He couldn’t even make a sound, too terrified by the cold steal pressing into his neck where his pulse was rapidly beating.

Josh was dragged away, too weakened by hunger and scared to fight back and thrown outside on the wet grass. The man pushed him to the ground and dug the edge of the knife into his neck, whispering “ If you make a sound I will gut you like a fish “. Josh didn’t make a sound.

He didn’t fight, frozen with fear and shock of being attacked like that in the middle of a crowded place. Nobody made a move to help him, nobody tried to protect him or stand up for him.  He was dragged outside like he worth nothing at all,  like his life worth nothing at all.

He remembers the grass underneath his finger and the mud all over his face and the cold snow that soaked his shirt.  He remembers the raw fear of actually dying from the pain that still haunts him sometimes when he can’t sleep.   He remembers the cruelty of the act, the inhumanity of it. He was just a kid,  just an abandoned child that had nowhere to go. Why did it happen to him ? How did he deserve that cruelty ?

Josh still doesn’t know why. He observes the grey walls of the building in front of him and wonders how many kids are going through the same thing at the moment and how many of them will spend the rest of their lives wondering. 

His eyes water at the memory and he feels like he lost that innocent part of himself all over again. The violent fit of coughs reminds him why he’s here a couple of silent moments later. He draws in a painful breath and walks inside with a heavy heart and dreadful feeling.  Oh how he wishes he could turn around and go back to Tyler, hide in his arms until all the bad memories disappeared.  Instead Josh wipes his tears , wraps himself further in the blanket and lines up to the administration office where he’ll be admitted as a resident of the shelter. The line is long and his legs are weak, but he waits until it’s his turn. A couple of signed papers later he’s got a mattress , a handful of pills and a warm lunch. It’s not much, just a cup of plain boiled rise, a big slice of bread and a cup of warm tea , but it’s more than he can ask for.

He hasn’t eaten anything warm in days and the food comes as a blessing.  The antibiotics should help with the fever and the tea calms down his aching throat a little.

When he’s done with the food, Josh curls up on the little mattress and wraps himself as tightly as possible with the blanket he’s been carrying around for over a week. He buries his nose in the t-shirt, hoping to catch a hint of Tyler’s smell, but it only smells of smoke and February air.

Josh feels so homesick it seems like the feeling has embedded into his skin and became a part of him. He’s homesick for a home he cannot return to, a home which maybe never was ; it’s the nostalgia, the yarning , the grief  for the things he once had, but lost forever. The hands that held him so gently, the morning light that reflected in those long eyelashes, the warmth, the safety, the pureness of what he and Tyler had. His childhood. His innocence. His sister. Everything. He’d lost everything.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been listening to [THIS ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVN1B-tUpgs) song while writing this chapter and now I hate myself.
> 
> I'm a sad bean who listens to sad music and writes sad stuff :\\\


	20. 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of left you guys hanging in the previous chapter so I though I'd update sooner.
> 
> There are pros in spending all day in bed, which is mostly having too much free time to write.

Tyler follows the brave Mark( as he calls him) around all day, visiting one place after another , where homeless people often find shelter during cold days. Some of those places are so shocking, they never even crossed Tyler’s mind that people can actually live there.  Tree houses, old garages, sewers, dog houses and many other spots that make Tyler want to turn around and run as far as he can. People actually _live_ in those places, despite how unlivable they seem.  It turns out you get quite creative when you need to survive; building your own house out of cardboard , wood and old windows and other things you’d find carelessly thrown away.   _One man’s trash is another man’s treasure_ Tyler thinks to himself as he observes another abandoned bus stop turned into a home for a family with three kids.

When they started their search for Josh, Tyler thought he’d be tired or exhausted by the end of the day. Turns out he was wrong. He feels heartbroken, sad, angry, disappointed, hollow and another pallet of emotions he can’t even quite understand himself. These invisible people, as the brave Mark calls them has been living there all along. But nobody sees them, because they are nobody’s problem. Nobody cares if you live in a bus stop or under a park bench, it’s your own fucking business; that’s how people think and that’s why these people are so invisible and live in these inhuman conditions.

It’s not them who are invisible though, Tyler bitterly thinks as they make their way towards a bridge that crosses the town’s railway tracks. It’s Tyler who has been blind.

When they near the spot it looks just as sad as the rest of them. Empty, bare and grey, the bridge stands tall and looks like a lonely giant. Underneath , a fire is burning and people are gathered around it, seeking warmth and some kind of comfort.

The field in front of the huge cement blocks are littered with empty bottles.  It throws Tyler in confusion when he reads “ Listerine” on the piled up bottles.

 “Listerine ?”  he asks and looks at the brave Mark who nods

“ They drink it, because it’s cheaper than other alcohol. It’s dangerous , but …. when you’re desperate danger means nothing to you. You do what you have to do to fill that hunger “ Marks explains with a voice, heavy with sadness and grief.

Tyler has to close his eyes for a moment , in order to collect himself. Mouthwash. They drink mouthwash, because they can’t afford normal alcohol.

Things turn even more depressing as they come closer and step on the big concrete blocks under the bridge, separated by tall columns. It reeks of urine, vomit and unwashed bodies.There are writings all over the walls and floors , some of them worn off and others more fresh. One thing stands out though. It reads “Apartment 1” on a horizontal column , followed by “Aparment2” on the next column and so on. Apartments under a bridge. How is that even possible ?

Dozens of tired and sunken eyes turn towards them and Tyler can’t come any closer because his feet are rooted to his spot. All of these hungry and hopeless eyes remind him of Josh and how he now shares their faith. What if he’s here ? Will he come back to Tyler or choose the solitude of homelessness ?

Mark talks to an elder woman who seems friendly enough for a conversation and Tyler can hear bits of it from where he’s standing under “Apartment3” sign.  They talk for a while until the brave Mark waves him over and Tyler has to come face to face with the thin faced woman.

Her eyes are kind when they land on Tyler.

“ You’re looking for a young boy ? A sick boy with curly brown hair and brown eyes, yes ? “ she asks and Tyler suddenly has to blink away tears. That sounds like Josh, but if Tyler had to describe him he’d say his eyes are dark chocolate colored and his hair is made of stardust and late autumn leafs.

“ Yes, that sounds like him. Have you seen him ? “

“ Yes, yes, he was here about a week and a half ago. Poor thing was coughing so much he could barely breathe “ the woman shakes her head and grabs Tyler’s hand “ I thought he was going to die from how bad he was coughing , the poor boy. I have been praying for him since he left “ she adds and lets go of Tyler’s hand.

“ I hope you find him. He is way too young to end up like us “

Mark talks to everyone else and gives them some of the food he’s been carrying around, as well as an address where everyone can come and have a warm meal.  Tyler stands there quietly and wishes he was as brave and as strong as the Rock In front of him. But he’s not.  He’s never been strong ; if he had a little drop of the courage Mark and Josh possess he wouldn’t  spend years living in fear and regret.  

A train rolls by with thunderous sound and rattles everything around. Tyler has to prop himself on the closest wall and his hand lands on a writing. “ _We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give_.  “ Tyler swallows thickly and feels so guilty it almost crushes him.  “ _Everyone should have a home”_  , this one was definitely written by a kid, judging by the uneven handwriting and the small house painted next to it.  _“A world full of houses, yet so full of homeless people “ ._

The train is now long gone and the snow has just started falling all over again when Mark pats his shoulder and tells him they should keep looking before it gets dark.  _A world so full of houses_ …… and yet these people sleep under a bridge. How fucked up is that ?

“ You know , when the woman said that the boy we are looking for is sick, I remembered something. It happened a week and a half or two weeks ago, but now It came back to me “ Mark says as they make their way through the empty white covered field.  “ I think I’ve encountered the very same boy “

“ You’ve seen Josh ? Where ? How? “ Tyler stops in his tracks and turns to the brave Mark who stops as well.

“ I found him lying in the middle of the street one morning. He was too weak to stand up , so I helped him … God I couldn’t have thought it’s the same Josh we’re looking for. He looked so young though , a lot younger than 19 “

“ H-how did he look ? Was he very sick ? “  Tyler starts shaking, angry at himself for being too fucking late. If he and Brendon did this a week ago they would’ve found Josh by now. What if it’s already too late?

“ He looked pretty sick, not gonna lie. Very thin, very pale and like the woman said he was coughing pretty badly.  I helped him get to a shelter though  , where he must’ve gotten treatment. “

“ Shelter ? What shelter? We need to go there “ Tyler almost screams and feels the tiny little bird of hope inside of his chest flutter its wings again. If  only Josh is still in that shelter ….

“ I’m sorry, Tyler ,but I went in to check on him about a week later and he wasn’t there anymore “  another hit straight to the heart that takes Tyler’s breath away. 

But why would Josh leave if he was sick ? Where would he go in this freezing cold , where would he sleep ? What if he didn’t _leave._ What if he was taken from there ?

Simon. That fucking bastard Simon who just won’t leave him the hell alone. He’s completely capable of hurting Josh and Tyler knows that perfectly.  If he can’t find Josh first and save him , that leaves him with no choice but to do what Simon wants him to. He just can’t risk putting Josh’s life in danger.

Feeling defeated and hopeless once again, Tyler tells the brave Mark he has a shift at the hospital and has to go. It’s a lie , but the truth is too complicated to explain. He can’t tell Brendon either, because his friend won’t let him go to Simon and if he doesn’t go Josh probably won’t survive much longer. Maybe if he just does whatever Simon tells him, the bastard will leave the boy alone and concentrate on hurting Tyler. It sounds like a terrible plan, but whatever planning he’s been doing so far has failed dramatically.

He absolutely can’t stand the thought that Josh could be getting hurt right now because of him, so he goes home, takes a handful of pills and calls Simon.

“ Finally. I’ve been waiting for you to call me Tyler. Took you a lot more than I expected though. The boy is coughing his lungs out while you play hero “ the cocky tone makes Tyler’s blood boil and if he wasn’t high on painkillers he would definitely scream until his voice gave out.

“ You can have me. Just leave Josh alone, please”  he hates how weak and pleading his voice sounds , but his resolve to fight has melted the moment Simon mentioned Josh and his bad health.  “ I’ll do whatever you want, just please, _please_ don’t hurt him”

“ Now that’s how I like hearing you. I love it when you beg. You used to love it too, remember ? We had so much fun together until you ruined everything “  Simon sounds angry when he finishes speaking and Tyler is terrified.

“ I’m sorry. I really am, I’m sorry for turning against you , okay ? Just please … let me fix it ? I can fix it, I promise “

“ I’ll send someone to pick you up in 30 minutes. If you come I might forgive you and let your  lover boy have a happy and joyful life. Although it might be short, considering how badly he coughs “ and it might be Tyler’s mind playing tricks on him or the pills clouding his brain, but he can swear he heard someone cough on the other side of the receiver.  He could recognize Josh from a mile away and the painful and labored breathing couldn’t have belonged to anyone else.

“ Pease don’t hurt him – “ Tyler starts, but the line cuts and the contestation ends, followed by beeping and silence.

He doesn’t want to look weak when the car comes to pick him up , but he can’t hold back the tears of fear and helplessness. It’s all his fault. Everything he ever does ends up badly or someone gets hurt in the end. No matter how much he tries to make things right , he always messes up.  His only hope is that he’s not too late and Josh can still be saved. That’s all he dares to hope for as he waits for the car to arrive and take him to the man he’s spent years trying to get away from.

Maybe Simon will kill him. That thought doesn’t sound too bad. Actually death sounds pretty good at the moment, considering his other options.  Run away and let Josh suffer the consequences or go to Simon and become is plaything again. If he had to choose between dying and going back to that lifestyle he would definitely choose death.

The car arrives too soon and Tyler is not ready. The knock on the door makes him flinch and fold in on himself. He doesn’t want to let go of his freedom , he’s  not ready to be a prisoner once again. His body shakes so terribly his teeth clatter and he feels rooted to the spot on the ground where he’s been sitting.

Another knock reminds him that he already made his choice. He said he’ll go , so if he doesn’t Josh will probably get hurt even worse. Simon can be quite creative in his ways of hurting people when he’s angry.

The third knock is so strong It sounds like a clear threat. It draws Tyler out of his haze and makes him stand up. He blindly goes to the door and while doing so, he embraces the fact that from this moment on he stops existing as an individual. Simon owns him now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you guys think of the story so far ? I get confused when I don't get comments so I'm not very sure whether you're still enjoying the story or not. Feedback always helps me write better :))
> 
> Also feel free to request stuff. I'm not feeling very well so writing helps me focus on something else. 
> 
> You can always find me on my tumblr here [i-m-a-goner-takeitslow](http://i-m-a-goner-takeitslow.tumblr.com/)


	21. 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh you're going to hate me for this.
> 
> Trigger warning for violence ? It's not graphic , but it's there so stay safe |-/

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special shoutout to the people who never stopped supporting me throughout this painful but otherwise incredible journey : 
> 
> -writersblock101  
> -Sofia  
> -leooX  
> -Twentyonedunpilots  
> -RobustRhombus  
> -Deficiency  
> -ThatWeirdFangirl  
> -onceuponarandom  
> -Daniromanini0307
> 
> as well as all of you who left comments and feedback on any of my works. I value those more than kudos or anything else in the world really. Thank you for helping me write this story, it honestly wouldn't be the same without your never ending encouragements

The nights at the shelter are horrible. People scream all night ; some of them drunk, others high , they never shut up. Sometimes a fight will break out , followed by more yelling , punching and kicking. There are no guards there, so essentially nobody protects the residents of the shelter. They are left to take care of themselves.

Josh spends the few couple of days curled on his mattress , wrapped up in his blanket with no desire to eat or drink. He’s too sick to have appetite and too terrified to move from his little spot in one of the corners of the big room containing all the mattresses.

He’s scared that someone will attack him if he draws attention so he stays huddled against the wall most of the first three days. His chest is so wrecked from all the coughing it’s actually painful to breathe. A doctor comes to check on the people who need more urgent medical and Josh ends up on that list. They call the sick ones , one by one to a smaller room for examination and Josh’s doesn’t go very well.

“ You need medical help, young man. Your lungs seem to be filled with fluids that need to be drained. I will give you steroids, but you need to go to the hospital “  the doctor tells him after they’re done and Josh can put his shirt back on.

Hospital is out of the question. He’s not going back there, not now that he’s gotten used to the thought of living the rest of his life on the street. And what if someone catches AIDS from him by accident ? No, he’s not putting people at risk.

“ I don’t have insurance “ he says and avoids the doctor’s pity filled gaze

“I will give you pills now and prescription for painkillers, but you do need real treatment. Go to the ER, they won’t turn you away “ of course they won’t Josh thinks , remembering how the nurses treated him back at the hospital, as if he’s one of them and how Brendon gave him all of that stuff when he left. He didn’t have to. Honestly, nobody would’ve blamed him if he just let Josh leave without giving him anything at all.  It’s the type of kindness that always makes Josh want to cry, because he feels like he doesn’t deserve it.

“ Thank you “ Josh answers and gets up on shaky legs “ I’ll probably go it if gets worse “ he says and gives an honest smile to the doctor.

“ Don’t wait for it to get worse, son. Go get yourself checked “

Josh leaves, clutching a small pack of pills in his hands. Steroids and cough medicine. No painkillers, of course they can’t give away pills of that sort. A small part of him was hoping they would, because he’s been in so much pain these past few weeks it would be nice to have a break.  His pelvis feels like it breaks again every time he has to stand up sit down and lying down isn’t any less painful. Nursing a broken bone on the street isn’t easy. Josh had his arms broken before and he knows the pain, knows how much it can hurt and how desperate he can get to get rid of that pain.   

He’s so weak.  He hasn’t eaten , most of his food stays untouched by his mattress where the shelter’s staff has left it. Nobody has stolen it which is pretty odd, considering how many hungry people live there. Maybe Josh looks too sick. Maybe they think he might day within the next few days and then take his food. Maybe they’re right, he thinks as he limps back to his mattress.

The food is still there and his stomach twists with the need to throw up from the thought of eating anything. Plus , pushing anything through his sore and aching throat is almost impossible. If he can’t eat it , it will probably get poisoned soon, so Josh decides to at least give it to someone who really needs it.

Slowly , he leaves his pills down and takes all the food he’s gathered the past few days , folding it all up in the plastic bag Brendon gave him weeks ago. He has been holding onto it, like it’s something precious. It connects him to those people, who helped him and took care of him when he needed it most. But right now other people need help too, because at the end of the day nobody else will take care of them.

Walking hurts, but it also feels good after spending three days curled up in the tights space his mattress allows him. The people from the shelter gave him crutches for support which helps a lot with walking longer distances. Josh can put most of his weight on them now, not on his hurting pelvis and walk longer than before.

He’s greeted with beautifully sunny weather and clear sky, absolute opposite of what was happening outside when he was admitted to the shelter. This gives him even more strength and motivation to do what he came out to do and find the families he saw starving days ago when he wondered around the streets.

His first stop is an abandoned house with no windows or doors where he’s seen little kids playing outside. He finds them again in front of the ruined building and smiles at them.

“ Are you guys hungry ? “ he asks when they stop playing and turn their attention to him.

“ Yes, yes, yes “ little voices answer him in unison and make his heart hurt. They are dirty and their clothes are worn out and torn in places. How can the government let these children live in such conditions ? How can they look away and pretend none of this happens , that their eyes are not filled with hunger and hopelessness ? Josh can’t find the answer to those questions. It’s useless, really. Looking for answers where nobody even asks themselves the questions.

“ I’ve got something for you “ he answers and carefully opens the plastic bag. There are portions of rise, vegetables, potatoes and bread.  The euphoria that follows the reveal of food is difficult to describe.  These kids haven’t eaten cooked food in months. Their usual meal consists in bread and caned stuff. But this, oh man. Josh watches their faces light up with happiness, surprise, gratefulness and utter disbelief. Some of them clap, others just stretch their little hands towards the food that Josh gives away easily. He’s lucky enough to have a meal tonight , when he goes back to the shelter. These poor souls might have to wait for another day or more for their next meal and the that thought makes Josh’s heart ache. 

If he survives all of this one day, he thinks with sadness , he will dedicate his life to feeding kids like these. He won’t have a single peaceful night of sleep if he doesn’t and he knows it.

There are a few more places Josh stops before he runs out of food to give away and by the end of his small trip he’s exhausted but feels so content it overweighs the pain in his body and the heaviness in his lungs.

The last thing he does is look for his old friend Doc. Did he survive the relentless cold? Where did he spend the freezing winter?  It’s been nagging on Josh’s mind for months and since Tyler’s unsuccessful attempt to find his friend he hasn’t been able to find any peace.

Josh walks down to the places where Doc used to hang around usually in hopes someone might’ve seen him or heard about him.  But the longer he looks, the more clear it becomes that his disabled friend hasn’t been around for a long time. Where has he been ? Did he move to another place ? That’s not very likely . Doc has been living on the street for so long and he never switched places. That only leaves two options –someone took him in or …. he didn’t survive the winter. 

It’s late in the evening when Josh finds his way back to the shelter. He’s freezing and hungry , weak and in pain. And oh so homesick. His only true friend is gone without a trace and his only true love is so unreachable it almost feels like longing for a star, far in the night sky.  Josh looks up and finds the brightest star in the sky, closes his eyes wishes that Tyler is somewhere safe right now and his heart doesn’t hurt as much as Josh’s.

**

With the first step Tyler makes in Simon’s house he knows he’s in trouble and there’s no coming back from it.

Simon Is waiting for him with a glass of whiskey in his hand and a sly smile on his face that reads _victory_. It makes Tyler sick. It also makes him terrified of what’s going to happen next, because he knows his ex-boyfriend too well. He’s vengeful, cruel and has no mercy when it comes to proving his point. And right now his point is _I won , you lost;  you are mine and you’re not getting away. Ever_.

“ Well well “ Simon says and puts his glass down “ Aren’t you going to greet me properly ? “ Tyler stands as still as a stone , so rooted to his spot he can’t move even if he wanted to. His brain races, trying to come up with a way out of the situation but nothing comes to his mind. If he rejects Simon , Josh will pay the price. And Tyler can’t let that happen, no matter how unthinkable this whole situation is.

“ Come the fuck over here “ the stone edge to Simon’s tone finally makes Tyler’s feet move. He’s on autopilot, walking towards the man who ruined his life and stops when he’s only inches away.

The sting of the slap comes as a surprise, despite how aware he is of the fact that he’s going to get hurt. The force of it makes Tyler’s head twist to the side and one of his hands comes up to clutch at his face out of pure instinct.

“ When I tell you to do something, you do it. Understand  ? “ Simon snarls in his face and grabs his arm when Tyler tries to pull away.  “ I’ve had a lot of time to think , back in prison. And I realized something – I’ve been way too latent on you. You’re ungrateful, hypocritical , whiney little bitch “  he literally spits the last word and squeezes Tyler’s hand so hard he winces and does his best not to try and pull away.

“ I know that you think I’m doing this to hurt you, but that’s not true, Tyler. I love you “ his tone softens considerably and for a second he does sound normal, tender even. “ I want to help you become a better person, to grow, to progress “ that makes the hair on Tyler’s neck stand from fear. When Simon says ”I love you” It means  “I will destroy you until you have no choice , but become what I want you to become “ .

“ This is why we are going to start right now. Get on your knees “  a command said with so much authority it sends Tyler straight down on the ground with a soft thump. He knows what’s next, knows what’s going to happen , but it still makes him shake when Simon says “ Take off my belt “

Tyler reaches up and unfastens the heavy leather belt with shaking hands. He hasn’t said a word since he came and he doesn’t plant to. He will do whatever he has to make sure Josh survives all of this and that’s it. He’s not here to make Simon feel good about himself.

He reaches up to unbutton Simon’s jeans, but a heavy hand on his stops him.

“ No “  Tyler stops confused and looks up “ I know you miss sucking my cock, darling, but that’s not what we’re doing today. Stand up and give me the belt “ Tyler obeys, feeling his gut twist with fear when the belt clangs cruelly in Simon’s hand.  

“ Now take your shirt off and bend over the sofa “ the smirk in the older man’s voice is so obvious it shows how happy he is with himself.  And when Simon is so happy it promises _pain._

“Simon … “ Tyler says, feeling where the whole thing is going and takes a step back out of instinct.

“ You came into my house and with that you agreed to my rules, Tyler.  If you want to go back, feel free, I’m not going to stop you.  But know this – if you walk away from me, you will never see Josh again.  Well not In one peace anyway “ he adds and smiles , enjoying Tyler’s suffering. How can he say that so casually ? How can he really think he’s giving Tyler a choice. when his hands are twisted behind his back with no chance of escape.  Simon knows Tyler. He knows what could destroy him and of course uses it against him without as much as a blink of an eye.

“ I’m going to give you a lesson and you will take it. One lash with the belt for every day I’ve spent at that rotten prison because of your betrayal. To remind you who you belong to. To remind you what turning against me will bring. To remind you of who you are and who owns you “ Simon has moves closer and wrapped one arm around Tyler’s throat, as if to amplify the word’s effect.  “ Me “ he adds and spins Tyler around, pushing him against the sofa.

Tyler bends over , feeling his heart beat in his chest so rapidly it makes him dizzy. One hit for each day. That’s more than 300 hits. _300_. He’s not going to survive this.

“ To show you I’m kind, I won’t take it all out on your back “ Simon says somewhere very close to Tyler’s neck. A hand sneaks down his naked back and stops at the edge of his pants. And God no, he doesn’t want to have his legs and ass stripped off their skin, but 300 lashes on his back only does sound like too much.

Tyler pushes his face into the soft fabric of the sofa and grips the edge of it , breathing in deeply. He does his best to materialize Josh’s face in his mind and concentrate on it. He tries to remember every single detail about the soft boy with the chocolate colored eyes and the kind smile.  His unbelievably long eyelashes, his full pink lips, the crinkles around his eyes when he smiles, the kindness that pours out of his very being.  Tyler holds on to all of those things when he hears the whistle of the heavy belt rip the air and the pain that burns him when the hard material collides with his skin.

Tyler grits his teeth against the pain and only has time to take a deep breath before the next hit comes. It pushes all of the air out of his lungs and makes him grip the sofa even harder. He knows that Simon has experience with lashing and knows how to measure his force. He probably won’t break Tyler’s skin, but it hurts badly, especially where the belt lands at already sore and bruised skin.

He doesn’t count.  He doesn’t think about anything but the pain all over his body and how much it hurts getting his burning flesh belted again and again , over and over. It goes on for so long  Tyler think it could be all night. Simon is relentless though. When one hand gets tired he switches to the other one and keeps going. Whenever he stops he talks about salvation and how Tyler will become a better person after this.

 _No,_ Tyler thinks while fighting back tears and sobs that wreck the insde of his throat. _This won’t make me a better person._ After years of being hurt and abused in all kinds of ways it’s going to do nothing more than break him. And maybe this time there will be no repairing.

**

Josh is woken up by the cold. He’s freezing , but when he reaches out to wrap himself further in his blanket he doesn’t find it.

Startled he opens his eyes and blinks a couple of times to clear his vision. Someone is sitting by his mattress and stares at him, holding his blanket close. Maybe the man thought that it was his blanket ? Or he got cold and decided to take Josh’s ?

„ I heard you were asking about the old man that hangs around in his wheelchair by the park “ the man says  when he sees that Josh is finally awake “ Doc, right ? “

“ Yes “ Josh nods and sits up slowly. He coughs into his folded hands until he can breathe properly again and looks up at the man “ Do you know where he is ? Please tell me if you know anything, I’ve been looking for him for months “ he pleads and battles the need to cough some more, because his lungs are burning “ Please, it’s very important to me “

“ If you give me your breakfast first “ the other man answers with sparkle in his eyes. Josh is hungry too, after he went to bed with empty stomach having all of his food given away , but he nods.

“ Alright . You can have my lunch too, if you’re very hungry “ he adds, because the man that holds his worn out blanket looks skinny and very underfed. This confuses the older man who ends up nodding slowly.

“ Okay. I’ll take you to him after I eat. I’m too weak to walk “

“ Okay “ Josh simply answers and manages a smile. Doc is alive !! Thank God, Josh thinks, thank God. He was so afraid that his friend died during the cold winter days he almost lost hope he’d ever see him again.  He’s so happy he barely registers the sharp pain in his pelvis and legs when he gets up to retrieve his portion of food for breakfast. Finally, he’s going to see someone familiar, someone close and dear to him. That thought is almost as warm and comfortable as a hug. Oh maybe he can get a hug from Doc too. How amazing would that be ?

Josh limps back as fast as he can and brings back the piece of bread with milk he’s supposed to have for breakfast and gives it to the stranger sitting on his mattress.

“ This is all they give you for breakfast?  “ he asks and makes Josh’s heart sink. What if he changes his mind to show him where Doc is ?

“They will serve soup for lunch. You can have that too. Please  , please just show me where you’ve seen Doc. “ Josh pleads , supporting himself on the crutches that rubbed his armpits raw , because they’re not padded.

“ Fine, follow me “ the older man says and they walk out of the building, surrounded by dead trees and tall grey fences.

It’s difficult to keep up with the stranger’s pace , but Josh feels elevated by the thought that Doc is alive and okay he doesn’t concentrate on the pain. They walk down for a good hour until they reach an old and abandoned warehouse. It seems pretty unlikely for Doc to hang around a place like this one and something makes Josh feel strange about why they came there.

“Are you sure this is the place ? “ he asks sheepishly as they make their way further inside  “ You’ve seen Doc here ? “

“ Oh yeah, I’m pretty sure “ the man answers and keeps walking, followed by a scared, but determined Josh behind. They enter a huge building and Josh is about to say that it’s too cold in there for anyone to survive when the hit lands on his back.

He’s too unstable, too injured and weak to stand any chance.

Josh stumbles and falls forward, landing face first on the freezing ground , followed by his crutches that land with a loud bang somewhere next to him. He has no time to react when the powerful hit to his stomach comes and almost makes him black out. He can’t breathe or move, but the hits don’t stop. They land on his stomach, chest, back and legs and completely dispose him of any defense.  It can’t be one person, josh knows it by the intensity of the attack, but it’s still absolute shock to him why would anyone ambush him this way and attack him so viciously.

“ Good job, old man. Here’s your 20 bucks. Now get lost “  someone says and it clicks in Josh’s head.  He was being lead in this trap the entire time. Doc was never here.

Whoever planned this must’ve really wanted him to get hurt because he’s in so much pain all he can do is whimper and moan through gritted teeth. And whoever it is that hates him so much definitely knows where to aim, because the most powerful hits land on his pelvis that makes him scream.

“ Please “ Josh begs, terrified and confused “ Please, don’t . Why are you doing this ? “ he manages to ask , before someone kicks him straight in the face and his jaw makes this cracking sound that resembles bones being broken.

“ You’re going to keep your mouth shut, you hear me ? Fucking slut . Who told you to speak ?  “  angry voice shouts at him and a pair of hands grab his shoulders, turning him face down and hands twisted behind his back. “ I’m going to do whatever the fuck I want with you, understand ? “   and Josh is so scared all he can do is nod and cry into the dusty ground where his tears end up landing. Why is this happening to him ? Who would want to hurt him like this ? Why him ? Why is it always him ?

His chin is wet from blood and he coughs desperately , trying to find his breath again when someone’s shoes stop right in front of him.

“ So you are _that_ Josh huh ? “ the voice is low and sounds demeaning and mocking.  “ I was expecting something more … I don’t know. Impressive. “ expecting ? Does this man know Josh ? 

“ Whatever. That won’t matter much when I’m done with you. Oh and by the way, if you think that you’ve done Tyler a favor by staying away from him , you’re very wrong. You did _me_ a favor  “  Josh’s heart stops when he hears Tyler’s name and that’s when everything becomes clear.  If this really is who Josh thinks it is and it’s very unlikely that he’s wrong, he did make a huge mistake. He left the man he loves alone and this monster used the opportunity to come back and start hurting him again.

Josh doesn’t have time to cry when another hit smashes his head and this time he loses consciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me how much you hate me in the comments section.
> 
> Also let me know if you find this story interesting, it will help a lot with writing further chapters :)))
> 
> And yeah feel free to hate me, I know yall do anyway


	22. 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's about time I updated. I'm so sorry for making you wait, but I've been busy writing other stuff as well as feeling too tired and hurting to be productive at writing. 
> 
> Anyways, here's the new chapter that will no doubt make the rest of you who still doesn't hate me, hate me for sure. I know I say this every time I update, but I feel like with every new chapter this story gets sadder and you guys hate me even more. 
> 
> It was supposed to be longer and shouldn't have finished this way, but I'm going to have my laptop taken away for the weekend and I wanted to post something before that happened. Expect more in the beginning of next week !
> 
> I promise to update sooner this time and not leave you hanging for too long. Until then - enjoy :))

Tyler wakes up in what he can describe as pure agony. He’s still on the ground by the sofa where his punishment was carried out, but now it’s bright outside. His phone’с alarm rings somewhere near and Tyler makes an attempt to sit up. Big mistake.

 His back bursts in flames that lick his skin all the way down to his calves.  Every movement triggers the pain and makes Tyler hiss and grit his teeth.  There isn’t a spot on his back that doesn’t hurt and the back of his legs and thighs feel raw . He has an early morning shift and he would call in sick if he hadn’t already promised he’ll substitute for Dallon. But he did and he can’t let his friend down, especially not after all the shifts he already owns him.

Tyler sits up and feels the skin on his back stretch which brings even more agony. He needs to do something about the injuries, because otherwise he’ll be completely immobile.  First though he needs to see and process the damage.

He was right about Simon’s aim. There’s no broken or bleeding skin, but it’s read and look inflamed all over. His back is a mess welts over welts , and even looking at them hurts. His ass wasn’t spared either , neither were his legs. They are also welted , not as badly as his back but bad enough for him not to be able to sit down for a long while.

Tyler sighs and bites his lip, trying to compose himself. He’s doing this for Josh. Everything that will happen to him from now on is aimed to keep Josh alive and that’s all that matters.  It’s not like Tyler has much life left in him anyway. If it wasn’t for Josh showing up in his hospital that chilling night when the car accident happened, maybe Tyler wouldn’t even be here today. He still can’t decide whether their meeting was a the best thing that ever happened to him , or the worst.

Back then Tyler was so close to giving up he probably wouldn’t have held on for much longer. He didn’t have a reason, really. Nobody needed him. Nobody would miss him. His death wouldn’t make much difference. So why live ? 

Josh changed everything for him. He came into Tyler’s life and made him feel needed and loved, both feelings long since forgotten. He tried to deny those feelings at first , but Josh was so sweet, so kind to him he just couldn’t. The boy who has been treated with anything but kindness showed so much of it, it literally poured out of his very being. His smile made Tyler’s heart soft and his hands healed with every touch.  Josh was a blessing. He would’ve been, if Tyler wasn’t a curse.

But he is. Everything he does ends up hurting someone and it’s always been like this. That’s why he doesn’t have friends. That’s why he stays away form good people, because he doesn’t want to corrupt them. He should’ve stayed away from Josh. He knows he should’ve , but he’s weak. And now both him and Josh are paying the price.

 

Putting his clothes back on brings a new fresh wave of pain. It almost feels like the skin on his back is burned and every single point of contact with the fabric of his shirt burns and aches. At least Simon isn’t around. But why isn’t he around ? There’s a note sticking to the mirror that Tyler only now notices.

_Be here at 6 pm tonight. Don’t be late, you know I hate it when you’re not punctual. Love you_

Love you ? Fucking seriously ? Tyler tears down the note and crumples it in his fist.  This isn’t love. He used to think that it’s love, but he didn’t know any better back then. Fucking asshole , Tyler fumes and keeps crushing the small piece of paper in his hand.

Angrily , Tyler grabs his jeans and pulls them on , but winces when the fabric touches the abused skin. If Josh’s life wasn’t at stake he’d probably slit the asshole’s throat and throw him on some field for wild animals to eat him. But of course he can’t. If Simon gets hurt, his men know what to do. They’ll hunt Tyler’s family, his friends , Josh, anyone who matters to him. It’s not worth it, Tyler thinks. His life is ruined anyway , there’s no point in ruining other’s lives as well.

Tyler does his best to look presentable when he leaves the house and keeps his teeth gritted tightly all the way to the hospital. The marks on his back hurt, no matter how hard he tries not to irate them. He can survive this though. He’s been through worse.

Tyler quickly changes in his uniform and goes to make himself coffee. If he wants to survive this day he needs _loads_ of it. Just in time Brendon walks in and stops at the door, looking at Tyler with narrowed eyes. Tyler stays quiet and sips his coffee, hoping that his friend won’t sense that something’s wrong.

If only he was so lucky.

“ What happened yesterday ? Mark told me you left , saying you have a shift at the hospital. Why did you lie ? “ Brendon confronts him and crosses his hands at his chest. “ Tyler ? “

“ I had something to do “ he answers , avoiding Brendon’s eyes.

“ Something. And what was that something you had to do ? “ 

“ Why are you acting like this ? What has gotten into you ? “ Tyler asks angrily, because he doesn’t like being accused. Besides he didn’t do anything wrong. He’s just trying to protect the people he loves.

“ Are you avoiding my question ? “ Brendon asks and takes a couple of steps closer “ Tyler,  I know you. We’ve been friends for years and I know when you’ve gotten yourself into trouble. Was it Simon ? “

Tyler flinches at the mention of that name and looks down.

“ Tyler, please tell me “ Brendon’s voice turns from angry to pleading “ Did he hurt you ? What happened ? “

“ Listen, Bren …. I really appreciate your help and everything you’ve done, but you should stay out of this. Enough people have gotten hurt “ Tyler says and sees Brendon’s eyes fill with worry and fear. The doctor stays silent for a while and runs a hand over his face.

“ Ty , please, don’t let him hurt you. I know you want to do the right thing and letting Simon hurt you seems like the right thing at the moment, but please , _please_ don’t do it. “

“ it’s too late for that now “ Tyler says bitterly and shakes his head “ I’ve made my choice. It’s better for you to stay away and let me do handle this “ which is a huge lie, because he’s not handling anything and he’s terribly scared of being alone at the moment, but Brendon is a good person who doesn’t deserve to get hurt.

“ Tyler what did you do ? “ Brendon asks while his eyes travel up and down Tyler’s body , inspecting it. “ Please tell me you didn’t do something stupid “

“ I have to go “ Tyler says and tries to walk pass his friend who moves into his way and doesn’t let him pass

“ Not before you tell me what happened. “ Brendon says stubbornly and Tyler takes another step forward to get passed him.

It’s only a second long contact , when Brendon’s hand touches his shoulder, but it hurts so badly it makes Tyler yelp and draw away.

“ I’m sorry, sorry “ Brendon apologizes and raises his hands in the air “ Are you hurt ? Let me see “

“ Please, just leave it “ Tyler says while his skin burns and hurts where Brendon touched it.

“ Let me see. Okay ? Please “ this breaks his defenses and he nods, letting Brendon walk him towards the sofa.

“ Where does it hurt ? “

“ My entire back “

“ What happened ? “ Brendon asks and makes Tyler shiver all over. Memories from last night’s torture flood his brain and make him physically sick.

“ I went to Simon’s house. He said he won’t hurt Josh as long as I do what he wants “ Tyler answers and swallows thickly, preparing himself mentally for the pain that’s about to come when he has to remove his shirt.

“ Will you show me ? “ Brendon asks quietly and Tyler nods. He grabs the bottom of his shirt and slowly, carefully raises it above his head. He hears his friend gasp behind him and bites his lip, knowing how terrible his skin looks at the moment.

“ Simon did this to you ? “

„ Yeah. He said this was a lesson “ Tyler folds his shirt on his knees and stands still while Brendon inspects his back “ To remind me of my place or something along those lines “

“ Fucking bastard “ Brendon murmurs and stands up “ Did he use a belt ? “

“ Yeah “ Tyler says and shivers from the cold air in the room on his hot skin.

“I need to go get something from our supply room. Don’t move okay ? “ Brendon says and walks out, shutting the door a little bit too hard behind himself. It’s obvious that he’s pissed off , but surprisingly not at Tyler. Suddenly he’s scared that his friend will do something stupid , like go find the bastard and beat the shit out of him.

A few minutes later Brendon comes back with a tube of something in one hand and a pack of ice in the other.

“ This will hurt a little while I apply it, but trust me, you’ll feel better when it’s over “ the doctor says and sits behind Tyler.

“ You don’t need to baby m- OW “ Tyler can’t finish the sentence because suddenly his shoulders blades are _burning_. He grits his teeth, telling himself it hurt a lot worse last night when he was getting beaten than it does right now. It must be some kind of crème , because a couple of seconds  later his burning skin cools off and feels ten times less inflamed than a minute before. Tyler sighs.

“ Told you “ Brendon says behind him and keeps rubbing gently the soothing substance in circles. “ I understand why you went to Simon, because I know what it’s like to love someone more than anything in the world “ the other man says , blowing cold air into Tyler’s back that brings amazing relief.  “ But you can’t see things clearly right now, because you’re way too emotionally involved. Just think about it – imagine Simon really does have Josh. Do you really think he’s going to simply let him walk away ? Even if you do everything he tells you to, even if you fucking merry him, do you think he’s going to let Josh live ? “

This hits Tyler hard, like a kick to the stomach with full force. Brendon’s words make so much sense it makes Tyler feel ashamed of himself for not realizing it earlier. If Simon does have Josh, he will never let the boy leave unharmed. Or even alive. He will never allow them to be together, no matter how much Tyler begs him, no matter how good and obedient he is, Josh will not be allowed to survive. Because Tyler loves him. _Tyler’s love will be what kills Josh in the end._

Suddenly the raging hatred toward himself is burning with new found force. No matter what he does, no matter how hard he tries and how much he fights he will always end up hurting the people he loves. His family, his friends, Josh. And probably Brendon too, if he gets too involved. Isn’t he already too involved ? Isn’t Tyler endangering his life as well, by sharing these things with him ?

He hates himself. His existence is poisonous and wasteful. Wouldn’t it be better if he simply didn’t exist ? It would, it would be so much better. So much easier, for everyone.

“ Ty, you know I didn’t say this to hurt you , right ? “ Brendon’s hands are still on his back, working in small circles to apply the soothing crème on his aching skin. “ I just don’t want you to get hurt. I want you to see things as they are and … what you’re doing right now isn’t the way out of this situation. “  Tyler shakes his head, because no, it isn’t, because there is no way out of this.

“ Yeah ‘I know “ he answers hoarsely and pulls his shirt back down , standing up from the sofa “ I know that no matter what I do Josh will end up getting hurt. It’s just who I am , Bren. I’m a curse, a burden. I’m poison “ he sounds broken to his own ears. Brendon is shaking his head , but Tyler doesn’t let him say a word. “ You better stay away from me as well if you want to live. You don’t want a person like me around you “

“ Tyler, hold on “ Brendon is up from the sofa as well, reaching out of Tyler , who pulls away. “ Pushing everyone away isn’t the answer, okay ? “

“ And what is the answer then ? “ Tyler raises his voice, feeling utterly helpless “ What is it ? Standing here and watching everyone I care about get hurt ? Because trust me, Simon won’t let anyone help me and if you try to help, he will go after you as well. So just … stay away from me. Please “ Tyler finishes and sees the tears in Brendon’s eyes that break his already shattered heart.

He leaves the room, feeling even lonelier than before. Having nobody to turn to, Tyler is left completely on his own. He needs to find out if Josh really is in Simon’s hands , because the other man could be lying. If it ends up being true, he has no clue what he will do. The bastard can do whatever he wants with Josh, no matter how well Tyler behaves.  So what can he do ? How can he save Josh ?

There are only two options. The first one is very unlikely to happen and that is to find where Josh is held and get him out of there. Without any help or any clue where to look , it would be as impossible as finding a needle in a huge bundle of hay. The other option is a lot more drastic and desperate, but Tyler is as desperate as he can possibly get.

There’s only one way to stop Simon from hurting and eventually killing Josh and that’s to kill him first.

 

Josh wakes up absolutely freezing. His shirt and jacket are gone and he’s lying on the cold concrete shirtless. His entire body is aching and Josh is actually grateful for the cold, because it must be numbing some of the pain. He remembers being kicked viciously before losing consciousness and knows that his body must be bruised and battered all over.  The pain is dull, but strong , getting sharp around his pelvic area and jaw that’s no doubt broken. The sick cracking sound that followed the kick to his face was an indication enough and the pain is only a proof to that.

Things come back slowly. Going out to look for Doc and being lured into a trap instead. Meeting Simon, being beaten up and then passing out on the floor. To his surprise he’s still in the same abandoned building with no doors or windows in place. The wind blows between the missing window glasses and doors, making it even colder. It’s still February and the temperatures outside are far below zero.

Josh shakes so hard his muscles feel sore from contracting. He can’t breathe properly, because his lungs are squeezed just as tight, barely letting him take shorts breaths of air. Breathing still hurts and honestly everything hurts at the moment. _‘ Please let Tyler be okay, please let him be okay’_  Josh silently prays, hoping that the other man isn’t suffering in the hands of his abusive ex boyfriend.  

Josh curls up on himself as much as he can to protect his exposed skin from the freezing cold air. His stomach is empty, so empty it just feels void and aching. Maybe they will leave him here to die ? He could freeze to death or starve to death, abandoned and helpless. This is how Josh has imagined his death anyway. Lonely. Quiet. Unknown, unheard and silent. Just like the rest of his life.

Footsteps. He hears footsteps and curls in on himself even further, groaning from the sharp pain in his injured bones. It hurts to move, but the fear makes his body fold in on itself. Did they come back to hurt him more ?

“ He’s alive. I’m telling you, these homeless pieces of trash are like fucking cockroaches. They just won’t fucking _die “_  someone says and another voice laughs along. Well they are not wrong. Josh has grown very resilient from all the years spent on the street, starving and freezing. He can survive a whole lot more than an average person.

“ Yeah well , we’ll see exactly how much this one can survive “ one of the voices says, now really close to Josh who shakes from the cold and fear. If they are going to torture him, he at least hopes that his body gives out pretty soon. He’s barely alive anyway.

A hand grabs him by the bicep and drags him up, until Josh is kneeling and trembling on the concrete ground.

“ Wait, don’t touch him. He’s got blood all over him.”

“ So ? “

“ Do you want to get infected or something ? “  Josh shudders at that, because they clearly know that he’s got AIDS and the question _how_ scares him a lot.

“ Fuck, you’re right “ the hand lets him go and Josh crumbles down to the ground and moans from the pain that pierces his lower body.

“ I’ll bring the hose “ one of them says and chills run down his spine. He remembers way back when he was younger , how his foster family used to hose him down instead of giving him baths and that memory makes him sick. It takes inhuman strength not to break down crying right there.  

 It’s mystery to him where they get the water from, but soon enough the sound of it running down the concrete floor makes the hair on his neck stand. With the last bits of strength he’s got left , Josh backs away , crawling back as far as he can until his body hits the wall behind him.

“ Oh no, you’re not going anywhere “ the man with the hose in his hand says and directs the stream straight to Josh’s body.

It hits him so hard he yelps and twists his body away, only to find there’s nowhere to turn. The wall behind him traps him in place while the water hits his bruised flesh with the force of an iron fist. It’s freezing and painful where it hits his body, adding to his misery and unbearable need to _cry_.

The water that pools around him is actually _brown_ , with red steaks from fresh blood out of still opened wounds. When the stream hits his face it fills his nose and mouth with water and makes his spit and cough. He’s pretty sure he’s going to drown when the water suddenly stops and he’s left dripping wet and freezing on the ground.

“ Bring the camera “ someone says and Josh is barely awake enough to process what has just been said. A camera ?

He’s grabbed from behind and pulled into a kneeling position again and it hurts, so he grits his teeth and tries not to make sounds that would give away how much pain he’s in. There’s a camera pointing at him and Josh struggles to make sense out of the situation.

“Say hi to your boyfriend “ one of the men says and makes Josh choke on the remains of water in his mouth. Tyler can’t see him like this. _He can’t_.

Only there’s nothing he can do about it, but try and stay as collected as he can. They want to hurt Tyler with this and Josh hates the fact that he’s just a tool in their hands.

He’s still trying to catch his breath when the water hose one of the men is still holding lands on his exposed side and makes his shriek. There are already bruises there and the hard rubber material hits one of them dead on. If the other person wasn’t holding him up, Josh would’ve fallen down from the strength of the blow, but he’s still kneeling and heaving on the ground. The pain is blinding and when the next blow hits him just below the ribs he cries out and doubles over. Biting his bottom lip, Josh does his best not to squeal from the pain even though he wants to , because the rubber hurts against his skin and even breathing is almost unbearable.

“ Just in case your boyfriend is still not convinced that we’re serious about this “Josh hears someone say above him , just in time with a pair of hands grabbing his wrists together and pulling him up.  His naked stomach and chest are exposed, as well as the tears in his eyes and the blood on his bitten lips. Josh knows what will come next, he fucking knows but it still takes his breath away when the hose hits his stomach. He coughs and weakly throws up even though there’s nothing to vomit but some water.  Everything inside of him burns, along with his lungs and ribs and stomach.

The next hit nails him lower, around the pelvic region and the pain that hits him is absolutely incomparable to the earlier blows. His legs give out from underneath him and this time nobody keeps him upright, letting his boy land loudly in the puddle of water on the ground.

A couple more blows land on his back, but Josh is too busy focusing on breathing through the pain in his bones. Why do they always have to aim where it hurts the most ? And God it hurts so much , he’s crying for real this time.

They leave him alone after that , probably satisfied by the footage they’ve got and Josh stays curled up on the wet ground for hours, trying to sob as quietly as possible. He’s cold and hurting, shivering from the freezing cold and the fear of Tyler being hurt as well. They don’t give him his clothes back and don’t five him anything to lie on. It’s just the bare ground, the freezing air and whistling wind that threatens to consume him with its coldness.

He has one dying wish and that’s to hug Tyler one more time and tell him he’s worth so much more than what his life has become. That his heart is bigger than any obstacle that might block his way, that he’s stronger than any pain that he could ever experience and that he was loved endlessly even though it was a brief  moment in time.  Josh loves him with all his heart and it hurts to know that all of that love will go to waste, never to be experienced or fulfilled.  Maybe one day someone will love Tyler more and will give him everything he needs, but it won’t be Josh.

It’s a good thing he’s in tremendous physical pain , because it distracts him from the fact that his heart is shattering into a million pieces and cuts the inside of his chest. Tyler will see him like this, in a puddle of bloody water, broken and weak. He wishes he could do something to change the situation ,but he has no strength to move a muscle.

His body keeps fighting though. The weak, starved and neglected body keeps functioning against all odds, against all logic and explanation. It’s both a blessing and a curse being so strong. He can’t just give up, especially now that he has someone else to fight for as well.  

The memories of his sister’s smile food his mind and he feels choked up all over again. She was so beautiful and smart, so full of potential and will to live. Josh couldn’t save her from the cruelty of the world, he couldn’t keep her fire alive. She used to have eyes like his and hair as light as the sun itself. Her face was covered in freckles just like Josh’s back and arms are. She lived and died alone, with only Josh left to remember her smile and freckles. If he dies, she will be gone forever, having no one else to carry her memory with them. Forgotten. Unknown. Nobody to tell her story to the generations to come.  It always hurt thinking about how he will never have kids and nobody to pass her story to. There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.

Josh holds on to her memory until the numbness in his mind and body blows it away, leaving him cold and lonely once again.

 

 It’s 5 pm. Tyler looks at his watch nervously , his mouth dry and hands shaking. He’s supposed to be at Simon’s at 6 pm and that’s when he has to decide what he’s going to do. First he needs to find out whether Josh is in danger or not. If Simon does have him like he claims, Tyler will have to do something drastic in order to save the boy with the angel eyes and soft smile. It’s all he focuses on. Saving Josh. All consequences of his actions are put aside , leaving no room for fear in his chest. He’s not afraid to plummet and fall. He’s not scared of going to prison or getting hurt while carrying out his plan. All he knows is that he needs to stop Simon from hurting Josh any further and the only way is to eliminate him.

Before he leaves, Tyler grabs a scalpel from one of the surgery rooms, wraps it in bandages and a plastic bag and hides it in one of his socks. He avoids Brendon all day, afraid that his friend will see right through his plan and try to stop him. There’s no stopping this , no going back. If Simon doesn’t die, Josh will, for sure.  If he has never done anything right in his life, now is the time to change that.

Thankfully his shift is busy and he has no time to overthink the situation or change his mind. Jenna throws him worried glances whenever she sees him and Tyler does his best to avoid her too, suspecting that Brendon told her what’s going on. The less people get involved the better. Damage control , that’s the least Tyler can do in this situation.

Before he leaves the hospital he takes his time rearranging his locker. There are pictures of his sister there, of his mom hugging him so many years ago Tyler feels like these memories are long lost. His favorite CD is there, with all the music he loves to listen, a book he‘s read about 30 times and Josh’s spare keys to Tyler’s apartment they were going to share.

He leaves all of this behind and closes the locker, seeing Brendon with his peripheral vision. He doesn’t need lecturing right now.

“ Ty , wait “ his friend says and moves in front of him to stop him from walking away. “ I know that you’re scared and you think that you’re doing the right thing, but please _please_ think about this for a moment. If you go back there, he could kill you. He’s tried to do it before hasn’t he ?”  Brendon insists and keeps blocking Tyler’s way.

“ This isn’t about me, Bren. “

“ So you think that going there will help Josh ? Really ? “

“ I’m going to do whatever I have to do , okay ? I know what I have to do and I’ll do it, no matter whether you agree or not “ Tyler says with a flat tone and sees the worry in Brendon’s eyes.

“ You’re  not going to do something stupid, are you ? “ It’s a rhetorical question really.  Tyler doesn’t plan on answering it.

“ Just let me through okay ? I’ve got things to do “ he says and Brendon finally pulls away, letting him through.

“ Please be careful okay ? And don’t forget I’m always here to help if you need it. Just give me a call and I’ll be there in a few minutes “  Tyler’s heard hurts, because he doesn’t deserve incredible friends like Brendon and Dallon who always do their best to help him. It feels reassuring to know that he has people behind his back, but it’s also dangerous and Tyler doesn’t want to involve them.

“ Thanks, Bren. For everything “ he says, holding back tears and feeling like he’s saying goodbye. He has no clue what’s going to happen tonight or how things are going to end, but what he knows for sure is that he wants his friend as far away from this filth as possible.

Brendon is reluctant to let him leave, but does anyway. Tyler leaves, feeling the weight of his decision crush his shoulders and the barely there weight of the knife reminding him of what he’s about to do. It’s not really that difficult making that decision, considering the situation. Tyler is sick of life and everything that comes with it – disappointment, pain, self-hatred and the never seizing feeling of drowning. He doesn’t care what will happen to him when today is over , as long as Simon stops hurting Josh. Even if it means taking his ex-boyfriend’s life. Nothing really scares Tyler by this point, nothing that would happen to him anyway. He’ll probably use the same blade on his own veins later, when he slits Simon’s throat. Those are details he simply doesn’t care about at the moment.

He goes straight to Simon’s house, deciding to play along until the time comes to take action. The first and most important thing is to get a proof that Josh is or is not being held by the bastard. Once he figures that out the rest will happen the way it’s meant to happen.

No hope. No fear. He’ll jump right off and smash into pieces , taking the person who ruined his life with him.  There’s no place for fear where hope never grew roots anyway. Tyler is ready.

Or at least he thinks he is , until he walks inside Simon’s house and finds the big flat TV in the living room playing something that makes his blood freeze in his veins.  His brain registers Josh’s face before I does everything else , his kind almond shaped eyes filled with so much pain it smashes Tyler’s defenses into pieces. His brain slowly absorbs the entire picture that’s reveling on the big screen and suddenly he’s speechless and numb.

The angelic boy he met months ago and fell in love with looks like a ghost, kneeling down on the dirty floor with so many bruises blooming on his skin it makes Tyler’s head spin. He makes one, two steps towards the screen and crumbles down to his knees; feeling like his insides has turned to ash. 

“Thought you’d want to see how your boyfriend is doing “ Simon’s voice comes from behind, but Tyler barely hears it, too busy trying not to fall apart.

He still ends up left In pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll write the next chapter as soon as I can, since its mostly written in my head. Thank you so freaking much for the positive feedback, support and amazing words I've received so far. I hope I will keep you guys interested and engaged in this story. 
> 
> also i know you hate me, but you can always use the comment section to pour your buckets of hate all over me , so feel free


	23. 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone <3 Instead of apologizing for the slow update I'm just going to say this : epilepsy is kicking my ass BIG TIME. Writing has been getting more and more difficult as I keep losing focus and concentration. Finding words is also getting more difficult and putting them together is absolute hell. I wrote this with a lot of frustration and I hope it turned out okay in the end. 
> 
> It's sad and it's probably no surprise for you at this point, but I'll just point out there are suicidal thoughts in this chapter so be careful if you're sensitive to that. A very brief smut scene in the beginning that can pass for dub-con , but its nothing graphic and very quick.
> 
> Pls don't give up on me, because I will keep writing no matter how tough it gets and I promise to finish this fic.

He’s frozen to his spot like root have grown out of his feet and into the ground. His heart stops beating, his lungs are empty of air and his blood is not flowing in his veins. Tyler doesn’t look at the screen, because it’s too painful to bear , but he can’t stop himself from hearing Josh’s labored breathing and painful coughing that rattles his lungs.

“ Aw what’s wrong ? I thought you’d be happy to see him “ Simon says, whiskey in one hand and cigarette in the other. He’s probably smirking, but Tyler can’t stand looking at his face right now. If he did , he’d probably want to claw the bastard’s eyes out with his bare hands.

“ I told you I’ll do anything you want. Why did you have to hurt him ? Why you sadistic fuck ? “ Tyler turns to him and asks with a shaking voice.

“ I had to make sure you know what’s going to happen if you disobey me “ Simon answers with a casual voice

“ You didn’t have to hurt him “ Tyler’s so upset he’s scared he’ll burst out crying any moment. Why did Simon have to hurt him ?  Why is he so sadistic he  needs to constantly hurt someone ?

“ Oh don’t worry, my boys will take good care of him. As long as you behave. As long as you keep your part of the deal, I will keep mine “

Tyler stands there, in the middle of the living room and feels absolutely certain that he’ll slit Simon’s throat the first chance that comes his way. It won’t even feel like murder, cause that sadistic fuck isn’t even a _person_.

“ What do you want from me ? “  Tyler asks , throwing a glance at the screen where the video has stopped. He tries to look at Josh’s surroundings and figure out where he is somehow. It looks like an empty and very vast building, but that’s not very helpful. There are plenty of abandoned buildings around town.

“ You know I’m not as bad as you think I am “ Simon says and Tyler wants to laugh and cry at the same time, because honestly ? He kidnapped an innocent boy and threatened to kill him If Tyler refused to play by his rules.  “ I want the best for you. I want to make you better, happier , because you obviously can’t do that for yourself “ that isn’t far from the truth , but Tyler doesn’t _want_ to be happier or better. Happiness can’t be forced. You can’t _make_ somebody happy.

„ I just want you to leave Josh alone “ Tyler says, but realizes his mistake when Simon’s face contorts with anger.

“ You better fucking forget that name , Tyler. Forget you’ve ever met him , forget he fucking existed, understand ? “ and oh how he wishes he could simply close his eyes and forget. He wants to forget the hunger in those warm eyes when they first met at the hospital. The loneliness, the kindness, the safety , all of the things hiding behind those long eyelashes. They haunt him in his sleep, day and night. He can’t forget. He simply can’t.

Deciding to play along, Tyler holds back the anger and anguish that boils inside of him and nods.

“ I’m with you, aren’t I  ? I’m here and that should say something “

“ Your mind is somewhere else though “ Simon says and nears Tyler until they’re only few inches away from each other. He smells of whiskey and smoke, a scent that makes Tyler sick to his very core. Simon always smelled like that.  “ Kiss me, come on “ he adds and makes the younger man want to wipe the scalpel out and slit his throat and watch him bleed.  He doesn’t though. He’s too scared that Simon will hurt Josh if something happens to him.

He leans in, holding his breath because he doesn’t want to smell the alcohol and cigarettes on the older man’s breath. It’s just a kiss. He can do this. They’ve kissed before and it’s not that bad.  His lips touch Simon’s who deepens the kiss instantly, wrapping his arms around Tyler’s waist. He feels so trapped it make him nauseous and want to pull away. His instincts scream at him to kick and bite until he’s free and run as far away from this house as possible. His instincts are probably right, but Tyler suppresses them. The hands on his waist are drawing him closer , until his body is pressed to Simon’s. 

It’s nothing like the kiss he and Josh shared back in the hospital room.  There’s stubble that scratches his chin and lips and makes him long for the softness of Josh’s touch. Tyler just lets himself be kissed and tries to disconnect from whatever’s happening as best as he can. 

“ You still taste amazing , baby “ Simon says, moving down to his neck , knowing that kisses there have always driven Tyler crazy. It’s such a contrast from earlier when Simon was rough and angry and now he’s soft, loving even.  He’s bipolar for sure, because such drastic changes in personalities aren’t normal. He might even be schizophrenic , going back and forth between being a loving boyfriend and a blood thirsty monster. Tyler used to love the good part of him way back when they first met and believed that maybe Simon could change. That he could silence the cruel voice inside the older man if he loved him strong enough.  Maybe there’s a tiny little part of Tyler that still loves the person that used to send him flowers and call him gentle names.  A tiny part of him still believes that maybe good can win over evil. 

Not today though. Not after he just saw Josh so terrified and hurt. Not after all the times _he_ has been terrified and hurt by Simon. In Tyler’s world, good never wins over evil.

His neck is being kissed and his back is being touched so tenderly Tyler hates it with burning ache in his chest. He’d rather be treated roughly , he’d prefer being punched and kicked instead of this false tenderness. It hurts a lot worse like this and Simon must know it, because he keeps caressing and kissing and saying how good Tyler is.

His fingers itch to grab the blade that’s stuffed in one of his socks and use it, slit his own wrists open and end this misery. Maybe that’s the best thing he can do , not just for himself but for Josh too. Simon will probably kill him which isn’t the worst thing that can happen considering the situation. At least he won’t be tortured every time Tyler slips up or makes a mistake. Death has always seemed like the best solution for him.

That feeling intensifies as his clothes are being shred, just as slowly and gently as the kisses all over his face and neck. Simon slowly undresses him, thankfully not noticing the hidden blade and walks him down to the bedroom where the huge bed is soft underneath his still raw back.

Tears gather in the corners of Tyler’s eyes when his underwear is being pulled down too and it takes inhuman strength for him not to dissolve into a crying mess. Simon kneels beside him and tells him he’s beautiful, so beautiful and so pretty , all his. Tyler’s body is betraying him, responding to the lingering touches and soft words whispered into his skin.  He has been so touch starved literally every single contact with his skin sets it on fire. Tyler hates it ; hates his body for betraying him, hates Simon for being so gentle and himself mostly for letting all of this happen. He’s weak, so fucking weak he can’t stand himself.

When the older man starts jerking him off slowly the tears overflow his eyes and run down his cheeks, because it feels amazing and his hips lift off the matrass , seeking _more_ needing _more._  And fucking Simon knows him so well after all the years they’ve spent together it doesn’t take him long to bring Tyler to orgasm.  He chokes up and grabs the sheets underneath him as the unwanted feeling washes over his body. It’s disgusting really, how much he enjoyed it and how badly he needed someone to do this. Only if it wasn’t Simon. Only if.

He’s absolutely boneless, letting the other man clean him up and wrap his shivering body in blankets. He lays down next to Tyler , kissing his lips and then cheek.

“ What do you say baby boy ? “ he whispers and forces more tears out of Tyler’s tightly shut eyes.

“T-thank you “ he forces the words out and squeezes his eyes even tighter. He wants nothing more but to fall down through a hole in the ground. Swallowed down by the endless abyss , never to exist again.

His body keeps shaking, despite the warm blanket, despite Simon’s body next to him. His skin feels like it’s about to fall apart any moment and Tyler just wishes he could just peel it off.

Simon snorts softly next to him when the moon shines down on his face, making him squint and turn away. Maybe he could slip out of bed and go to the kitchen where all the knifes are held. Take one and stab Simon straight in the heart. Or maybe cut his eyes and tongue first and let him bleed to death. It’s scary how clearly Tyler can see it in his head, the other man’s body jerking and bleeding on the lilac sheets.

 Something pulls him out of his head and he jumps a little when Simon’s phone lights up, but makes no sound , obviously put on silent regime.  Without thinking much he sits up and reaches over to the night stand where the phone is lying. He waits to see if Simon will wake up , but he gives out no signs of being awake.

Tyler is on autopilot, still stunned by the evening’s events. He grabs the phone straight from the night stand and clutches it in between his shaking fingers, pressing on the button that unlocks it. There’s no password or any other protection ,so the screen lights up with the messages Simon just received.

Tyler reads through the messages so fast he barely understands what it says, but it leaves some kind of weird gutting feeling in his stomach. It’s not long , only three sentences long so he reads through it again this time slower and the feeling intensifies.

“ _I got the medicine and bandages you asked for. Please don’t ask any more stuff from the hospital, someone’s going to get suspicious. You said you’ll leave me and Rory alone after this. Please Simon, you promised this will be the last favor I do for you. Call me back. “_

The hospital. Tyler stares at the message and shivers even harder. _The hospital._ It could be any hospital. But Tyler knows it’s not any hospital, but _his_ hospital. And this is not just any random person Simon knows. Its someone Tyler knows too.

Then he moves his eyes an inch higher, where the name is written and everything falls right into place. Simon knowing about Josh’s existence. Knowing about Josh’s AIDS diagnosis. Knowing about josh leaving the hospital. Finding him so easily.  Someone from _his_  hospital has been providing Simon with information about Tyler’s life the entire time the other man has been imprisoned.  That thought makes him so sick he squeezes his eyes in disgust and pure rage.

The person who betrayed him has been someone Tyler considered one of his closest friends. Someone Tyler trusted. He’ll sure as hell never trust anyone ever again.

Dallon : _I carried my part of the deal. I did everything you wanted, just please make sure Rory is okay, that’s all I want. Message me when you see this._

 

***

No one came to see if he’s still alive for a couple of days. A blanket was thrown his way before the two men left , leaving Josh hurting, scared and freezing. A part of him is grateful that they left though, because their presence meant constant fear of being harmed.  They seemed to enjoy kicking him around and when they were told to leave it seemed like they were disappointed.

It’s not surprising that no one stayed to guard him, really. He’s so weak and injured he wouldn’t be able to make two steps on his own. His pelvis hurts badly, limiting his movements and the rest of his body aches so much the thought of running away is merely an illusion.  And where would he go anyway ? There’s nowhere to go. No one to turn to for help. He could go look for Tyler, but what if that makes things worse for him?

Thinking about Tyler turns his heart into a  raw bleeding wound. He misses Tyler so much; it often turns into a physical ache that spreads through his bones like fire. Sometimes he can’t help but feel like he made a mistake by leaving Tyler lonely and probably heartbroken.  Josh isn’t even sure if the other man would even want him back. Who could blame him if he didn’t? Josh was the one who left, so it’s entirely his fault. 

The thought that Tyler might not even miss him makes his eyes burn with tears. As selfish as it is, he wants to be missed by someone for once in his life.

Footsteps echo through the huge room and make him and his heart jump. He stands still, with his eyes closed and body unmoving and hopes they didn’t come back to record another video. Knowing that it will end up being seen by Tyler makes everything hurt a lot more.

Familiar voice comes from somewhere close makes his heart flutter with hope. He Josh can’t quite recognize who it is that’s speaking, but he’s definitely heard that voice before.

“ Oh my GOD “ the voice panics “ What did you do to him ? Of fuck  , Josh “  the mention of his name makes Josh open his eyes and try to look up at the people speaking.

“ Aren’t you here to patch him up and leave ? Just shut up and do your job “ another voice chimes in when someone kneels next to him.

“ Josh ? Hey, are you awake ? Can you hear me ? “  Josh gives it a thought whether to answer or not, but the person is obviously concerned for him and that’s something he values a lot.

He turns around slowly, until he’s lying on his back and groans from the pain the movement has caused. 

“ Oh fuck, I’m so sorry , Josh “ and now that Josh can see who’s speaking he knows it’s Dallon, a nurse that used to take care of him back at the hospital along with Tyler and the gorgeous blond girl called Jenna. Confusion clouds his brain, because why is Dallon here ? And what is he apologizing for ?

“ I’m sorry about all of this … I’m so sorry “ the young man keeps apologizing to him while kneeling next to him on the ground with a package of something in his hands.

“ Will you quit your babbling and do your job ? “

“ ‘ts okay “ Josh forces out, scared that they will hurt Dallon too if he doesn’t do what he’s told. Pain shoots up his jaw all the way to his head and makes him moan miserably. Talking really  fucking hurts.

“ Let me take a look at you okay ? I just want to see how injured you are “  Dallon says and his eyes are full of so much sadness it makes Josh’s heart hurt. Something must’ve happened, because the nurse looks close to tears.

“ Will you help m-me ? “  Josh whispers, too hurting and scared to stay strong “ Please, please help me “ he begs, because it feels like if Dallon leaves him too , he will die for sure.

“ I can’t , I’m sorry “ Dallon whispers, leaning in as close to Josh as possible “ I have to save my brother, I’m so sorry, Josh “  and what was he even thinking asking anyone for help ? Who would stand up for him when he means nothing to nobody ?

“ It’s okay”  Josh says again , but tears escape his tired eyes and he knows he’s not fooling anyone.

It’s pretty clear to everyone that Josh is in very bad shape. When Dallon unwraps the blanket form around his torso he sighs and turns towards the two men standing behind him.

“ Why doesn’t he have a shirt on ? He’s freezing “ he says and shakes his head , eyes scattering around Josh’s bruised body. “ If want him to survive this he’ll need more clothes or blankets “ 

Everyone stays quiet as Dallon keeps going, checking Josh’s breathing, his pulse and blood pressure. The only sounds that echo through the empty room are the boy’s choked up groans and moans when he has to move around.

“ His lungs sound really bad. I don’t even know how he’s still breathing. He _needs_ to go to the hospital “ Dallon’s tone is pleading and edges on desperate when he turns towards the two men behind him.  “ And can’t you see that he’s starving ? Have you even fed him at all ? “ nobody says anything and the nurse sighs deeply.

“ First of all you need to get him food and water. More blankets to keep him warm and give him these meds every 8 hours “ Dallon explains with shaking voice “ If you don’t do those things, Josh will die. Do you understand ? “ 

“ Fine. I’ll talk to Simon and we’ll see. We’re not even sure we’re going to keep him alive anyway so it might not be worth the effort “ that makes Dallon go even paler than before. Josh simply closes his eyes and hopes they will at least have the decency to kill him fast when it comes to it. Starvation and dehydration are both terrible ways to die.

Dallon’s eyes are still filled with tears when he turns towards Josh and leans in close again.

“ Stay strong okay ? You’re one of the strongest people I know. You’re going to pull through this “ Josh nods and feels grateful when Dallon wraps him back into his blanket carefully and tucks him in.

“ Is Tyler okay ?”  he asks, dying to know how the other man is doing. “ Is he hurt ? “

“ No, I saw him yesterday and he was fine. Well at least he looks fine. God, I’m so sorry. I wish I could help both of you, but I just _can’t._ “ the news that Tyler is fine calms him down a little. If Dallon saw him yesterday and he seemed okay it means that Simon hasn’t hurt him too badly, at least not for now.

“ Can you tell him I miss him ? And that I’m sorry. Please ? “ the words hurt on their way out, but his dislocated jaw has nothing to do with that. He misses Tyler so bad , sometimes it feels impossible to last another day without him. It’s unbearable, like a thirst he can’t quench no matter how much he drinks.

“ Yeah I’ll tell him “  Dallon answers and pets his face gently “ I really hope you survive this and tell him yourself though “ Josh doubts it, but he nods anyway and smiles, receiving a sad smile in return.

When everyone leaves again Josh lies back and lets all of the emotions flow through him. Fear, hope, loneliness, abandonment, love, they all tangle together in his chest and pull him into different directions. He wants to give up and let all of this end , finally find some peace after all the suffering his life has brought him. But he also wants to see Tyler again, wants to make him smile and show him how beautiful world can be if you _let it be,_  if you forget all of your mistakes and failures and simply let go.

The fact that Dallon knows where he is , that Simon sends him, all of this should means something, but he’s just too tired and in pain to ponder on what exactly it means. A voice whispers softly in his ear to go to sleep and he complies, too exhausted to protest. He dreams of deep brown eyes and delicate fingers tracing his face.

 

***

Tyler doesn’t sleep. His mind races all night, battling between his rage towards Dallon and questions about how in the world Simon got his friend to become his _rat._ Why would Dallon do that anyway ? They need to talk. Tyler needs to ask him what they hell is he doing texting Simon in the middle of the night , he needs to know what’s going on.

These thoughts keep him awake until sunrise when Simon gets up from bed and leaves 15 minutes later, careful not to wake Tyler.  The brunette has morning shift at the hospital and he springs from bed the moment the older man leaves. He can’t stay in the goddamn bed anymore. He needs to go to the hospital, find Dallon and talk to him. Or rather yell at him.

His back aches and burns, still red and covered in welts that heal too slowly for Tyler’s liking. He puts on the shirt he came here with and carefully pulls his jeans on. The loops on his belt are already not enough to keep the jeans from falling off his hips. When was the last time he ate ? A day ago ? Two ? He’s not hungry. It doesn’t matter.

 

The nurse’s common room is empty when Tyler barges in and angrily opens his locker to fetch his uniform. He should wash the damn thing , because it’s probably been a month since he took it home.  Tyler snorts to himself and throws the dirty uniform on the ground by the locker. He’ll just go get a fresh one form the storage. He hasn’t done laundry in a year anyway so why start now ?

The door to the room opens and of course it’s Brendon walking in and stopping when he sees Tyler.

“Hey Ty. How are you doing? “ he asks carefully and Tyler doesn’t look at him when he says :

“ Fine “ and closes his locker.

“ Tyler , come on. Talk to me ? “ Brendon says and comes closer to the lockers.

“ I told you I don’t want you to get involved okay ? Enough people got involved already. “ Tyler says and sees Brendon roll his eyes.

“ And you think you can handle everything alone ? Really ? “

“ Seriously, can’t you see that everyone I care about gets hurt ? Do you have a death wish or something ? “ Tyler says annoyed and tries to push past Brendon who gently grabs him by the hand.

“ Did Simon hurt you again ? “ and Tyler’s defenses fall,  because his friend looks so worried and sad he simply can’t walk out on him. There are only few people in the entire world who care about him so much and Tyler doesn’t want to hurt one of them.

“ No, but I wish he did “ he says and feels his stomach twist with disgust from the memories that flow through his brain. How good it felt being touched by Simon, how easily he gave in to it. It all makes him sick.

“ What do you mean ? “ Brendon asks gently and lets go of Tyler’s arm to run in up and down his friend’s shoulder “ You wanna talk about it ?”

“No “ Tyler answers without any thought and blinks a couple of times to clear his vision. “ Do you know where Dallon is ?  “ he suddenly remembers why he came here and his anger starts boiling in his chest again. “ I need to talk to him “

“No, he said he’ll be late today. Why ? “

“ I …. I – he’s involved in all of this mess with Josh disappearing “ Tyler says, deciding it’s no use keeping something like this from Brendon. His friend’s face falls and he looks surprised and shocked at the same time.

“ Involved .. how ? “

“ I accidentally read a message he sent Simon last night “ Tyler says and Brendon’s jaw drops

“ What ??? “

“ Yeah he has a lot of explaining to do “

“ He’ll be back at lunch and we’ll talk to him then okay ? What did the message say ? “

“ It said something about getting supplies for Josh and something about Rory not being hurt and .. ugh I don’t know. I don’t know what to think anymore “ Tyler says and lets Brendon hug him gently, careful not to touch his back too much.

“ We’ll figure it out. Okay ? We’ll find a way to help Josh and end all of this nightmare “ Brendon says and pets his hair and Tyler lets him. He needs the reassurance and the comfort. The thought that he’ll never see Josh again has been torturing him for months. If they both survive this Tyler knows he will never let go of the boy with the warm eyes and soft smile ever again.

 

Dallon comes at noon, just as Brendon said earlier. As soon as the nurse enters the common room Tyler corners him despite Brendon’s pleading to take it easier , because someone might see them.

“ Where were you ? “ Tyler asks him, skipping any sort of introduction “ huh Dallon ? “

“Dude what the hell ? “ Dallon tries to move away but Tyler stands right in front of him and bocks his way.

“ Come on, tell me and Bren where you just were. Who you went to see and fucking _why ? “_  it’s obvious that the question has affected the other man because he visibly pales and shrinks on himself.

“ W-what are you talking about ? Went to see who ? “

“ Well you tell me. Do you have something to tell me ? “ Dallon stays quiet and doesn’t look up the entire time Tyler waits for his answer. “ Okay since you obviously don’t want to talk , I ‘ll talk then. I saw your message last night. “ this makes Dallon look up with fear in his eyes.

“Ty, please, you don’t understand. It’s not what it seems I swear “

“ Have you been giving Simon information about me ? “ 

“ Please listen to me, please Ty, I didn’t meant to harm you or Josh , okay ?  I had to do it, I had to give him what he wanted otherwise he’d hurt my brother and he’s all I have left “ Dallon all but falls to his knees right in front of Tyler. His tears look honest and the fear in his eyes makes Tyler think he’s not lying.

“ What about your brother ? “ the brunette asks, having the gutting feeling that something bad might’ve happened already.

“ He’s 17 okay?  He stole a car and ended up in prison. The same prison Simon did his time. He contacted me and told me he will protect Rory If I gave him information about you. I didn’t at first and … and … “ Dallon chokes up on his tears, now running down his flushed cheeks. “  I went to see my brother one day and the guards told me he’s in the infirmary . “  Dallon stops for a second to take a breath and wipe the tears from his face. Tyler feels pain deep in his chest, because he knows that Simon must’ve hurt the boy so bad it broke Dallon.

“ I was told he got attacked and beaten , but I know there was more than just beating. Rory wouldn’t tell me exactly what happened , but when I saw him in the infirmary bed I knew it was Simon’s way to get back at me for defying him. He contacted me a week later and I just … I just couldn’t let them do this to my little brother again, Ty. I couldn’t let him get beaten and raped there , I had to do something “

Tyler stands there, rooted to his spot and feeling terrible for coming at Dallon like this. Honestly he’s such a selfish person, always thinking he’s the only one who has problems and the only one who needs help. His friend is crying now and it’s his fault because he’s insensitive idiot.

“ God, I’m sorry “ Tyler says quietly and pops his knuckles in attempt to distract himself from the unbearable desire to cause himself some kind of pain. The impulses to punish himself have gotten weaker over the last months , but it’s still a struggle to keep them at bay when he _hates himself so much._ “ I didn’t know… I .. I’m sorry I reacted like that. I’m scared that I’ll lose Josh and I just don’t know what to do to protect him “  Tyler says , discouraged and feeling helpless. It was easier being angry at Dallon. That way he could distract himself from the burning hatred he feels towards himself that now floods him like a giant wave. Everyone around him gets hurt. Literally everyone.  No matter how much he tries to keep his distance from people they still end up victims of his fucked up life. He’s toxic. There’s no escape from that and the only way to stop people from getting hurt because of him is to stop existing.

His mind is slowly going back to the initial plan of killing Simon and then killing himself , because that would be the best thing for everyone. Josh will probably end up hurt yet again, but he’s young and hopefully with a lot of life ahead of him. He’ll move on, get over Tyler and one day forget him.

“I promise I’ll fix things “ he says and hugs Dallon who’s still crying weakly “ I’m sorry about this, I’m really sorry “ he apologizes and feels Dallon shake in his arms.

“ I’m sorry too “ he mumbles into Tyler’s chest “ I should’ve told you earlier “

“ I’m sorry , but we really have to go now. Patients are waiting for us “ Brendon, who has been silent the entire time chimes in and he’s right. Their shift has long since started , they need to go out there and do their job.

“ Listen um … I saw Josh today “ Dallon mumbles when they separate and Tyler’s heart jumps so high in his throat if gets stuck somewhere in his windpipe.

“ You saw him ?  How did he look ? Was he okay ? “ Tyler babbles out questions , terrified of Dallon’s answer.

“ He’s a lot strong then Simon gives him credit for “ the nurse says “ I won’t lie, he’s in very bad physical shape, but he’s still holding on. He asked me to tell you that he’s sorry, And that he misses you. Terribly “

And wow, just when Tyler thought he’s not capable of experiencing any more pain , it hits him so hard he can’t find his breath. The pain punches him so hard in the gut he has to duck down and crouch on the ground, because standing in this very moment seems like an impossible task. 

“ Just let me be for a moment, I’ll join you in a bit “ Tyler forces out when he finally finds his voice

 “ Do you need anything ?” Brendon asks him carefully and Tyler shakes his head. He needs Josh, needs to see him, touch him and make sure he’s okay and safe. Nothing else can soothe his pain at the moment so he keeps shaking his head and pressing both hands to his face.

Tyler kneels on the ground while the waves of pain and regret wash over him. _Please just hold on for a little bit longer my love_ he thinks to himself and sends all of his energy out to space, hoping that it will find its way to Josh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said epilepsy is making writing very difficult. I struggle to get the words out even though I have perfect idea what I want to write and that's what makes it so frustrating. I hope it wasn't too bad and you guys still enjoyed the pain. It's important to me now more than ever to know what you think so please, feel free to leave comments ( positive, negative, all kinds) in the comment section.
> 
> I love you all. Please stay alive and stay creative


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Idk what happened but ao3 deleted my last chapter for some reason so i'm re-uploading it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow it's been a while hasn't it ? You've probably forgotten about this fic all together and i can't blame you, because it's been months since I've updated it.  
> But yesterday I found the draft in my uh .. drafts and I had this urge to finish the unwritten chapter.  
> So here it is, I hope you enjoy it :)
> 
> I'll put a trigger warning for panic attack just in case. it's nothing graphic, but it's there.  
> Also, the next chapter will be extremely heavy and graphic so heads up. If you're sensitive to such things I would advise you to skip it all together. And I apologize in advance for the pain I'm about to cause.

Tyler’s life slowly turns into a nightmare, one he can’t escape no matter how much he drinks or how many pills he takes. When he’s at work, he’s on autopilot. His hands work and his legs carry his weight, but his mind is elsewhere. He takes as many shifts as he can and works all the time he’s at the hospital, never giving himself time to sit down and rest. Rest means thinking and Tyler doesn’t want to think.

And he’s angry; oh he’s so angry he barely manages to keep his temper in check. The old anger issues pale in comparison to how explosive he is now. He is a pulsing, short-fused bomb of hurt and pain that everyone avoids in fear he’ll blow up in their face. It’s a reasonable fear, because Tyler’s patience has gotten considerably thinner for the past week or so.

That’s how long he hasn’t seen or heard from Josh. Every day of that week was filled with fear, self-loathing and helplessness. Fear that he will lose Josh forever, or even worse, that he will be tortured by Simons’ people to death. That fear haunted him day and night, bringing back the horrible memories of seeing Josh being beaten and humiliated by those sadistic fucks. And the fact that he has no way of knowing how Josh is treated right now is driving him crazy. Do they feed him? Is he cold? Is he dying? Is he terrified? Does he feel alone?

Tyler fell asleep and woke up with these questions on his mind, but whenever he brought it up to Simon it ended up badly for the younger man. Josh was a forbidden topic in the house. The very mention of his name brought out so much fury it sometimes scared Tyler the older man might kill him. Not that it was the worst thing that could happen considering his situation. He doesn’t fear death, nor does he fear physical pain anymore. It’s the terror of knowing the person he loves the most is in pain that brings more emotional anguish than anything possibly could.

It’s after one big fight, resulting with a couple of bruised ribs and purple bruises that Tyler is driven to a place he’d never thought he would ever visit again. He doesn’t even remember going there, the minutes after he left the house a blur of pain, both physical and mental. He simply needs to get out, to get away, to go somewhere, anywhere. His first thought is the hospital and Brendon, but it leaves his mind almost immediately. He doesn’t want to involve his friend in this mess more than he already has. The last thing he needs is another innocent person getting hurt because of him.

So he goes on autopilot, aching legs carrying him down the damp street towards the place he hasn’t returned to since he was a kid.

The church stands tall and massive in front of Tyler who stops so abruptly in front of the gate, it almost makes him topple over. The fence is also tall, making the whole place feel unreachable and exclusive, like its only meant for people who deserve to be there. People with pure souls and no unforgivable sins. People who deserve forgiveness and redemption. Tyler is not such a person.

But Josh is.

Tyler knew when he came to the church that he would not beg God to forgive his sins. The only person who was undeservedly punished is Josh. The boy who has been abandoned by everyone, including God all his life, but never asked for anything. Josh never complained, never blamed anyone for his dire situation and his gratefulness was never ending.

Tyler’s heart squeezes painfully in his chest at the thought of the warm, honey-like eyes and the softness they always radiate. He would give anything in the world to see these eyes smile at him just one more time, with all the pain and desperation inside of them gone.

Not knowing a single prayer, Tyler stands awkward and uneasy in front of the heavily decorated altar of the church. A full body length Jesus Christ is hanging crucified just above Tyler’s head and the brunette fidgets at the closeness, not sure if he can be as honest as the religion requires of him. A religion he’d turned his back on a long time ago, because it claimed him as a sinner for loving men, not women. Tyler’s parents were both Christian to their very bones, as well as his sister and older brother Zack. Tyler was the black sheep of the family, doing things their sacred religion frowned upon and thought as sinful. Back then he was young and foolish. Tyler realizes it now, all these years later when his life bas become this untangled mess of mistake after mistake with no end.

His parents often used Christianity to make their point, to explain to young Tyler why this or that was wrong, but the teenage boy rebelled against everything the religion said. He couldn’t accept the fact that loving someone, whether they are the same or the opposite gender was wrong. He couldn’t understand why priests wouldn’t service at suicide funerals, because the religion said it was a sin to take your own life. Tyler hated it all, hated it so much he literally did everything despite what his parents told him.

Running away from home with a man 15 years older than Tyler was his first and one of the biggest mistakes he’s ever made. He was 14 and easily manipulated. The man who persuaded him to run away was good looking and smart, but his intentions were not as pure as Tyler imagined. As soon as they boy went to live with him, things changed and the older male started asking things from Tyler, things he wasn’t entirely comfortable with. But he was in love, or at least he thought it was love, so he went along with it. It was naïve of him to think that a rich and considerably older man would invite him to live in his house because he „loved“Tyler.

His parents flipped when they found out that he has been seeing a nearly 30 year old man and threatened to sue him. They forbid Tyler to see him, using Christianity to make their point which was enough to make Tyler really want to be with the man just to prove them wrong. That was the first of many mistakes to come; despite all the warnings he’s been given by his family and friends.

Simon was the worst of them and the last of them, Tyler silently promises to himself, looking up at the altar of icons and golden frames. He can’t forgive himself, not yet, not when the memory of seeing Josh on the ground covered in bruises still fresh in his mind, but maybe he could ask God for guidance. He’s so lost he has no idea what to do. There’s no one to turn to either, because Tyler has pushed away most of the people who ever cared about him, in fear that Simon will hurt them too. He barely talks to his parents and doesn’t have any good friends but Brendon who has problems of his own. In every sense of the word, Tyler is alone.

His mother always told him that Lord lives in his heart and as long as his heart is beating he is not alone. Tyler puts his hand on his heart and feels the steady beat underneath trembling fingers. He needs to believe that he’s not alone. He needs it like air and the thought of denial makes his knees week and they wobble underneath him. Josh needs him. Young, bright and kind Josh who deserves happiness and joy, but never receives anything but pain and misery.

Tyler’s knees give out and he crumbles down, kneeling on the worn out red carpet. There’s no strength left in him to rebel against God or hate his rules. There’s no pride left in him either, after years and years of humiliation spent in silent hell. He’s a broken man, but it’s only when he met Josh he realized how broken he actually is

Not knowing what to say to God, Tyler closes his eyes and hopes that He will understand why Tyler came to His home. "Is this all I am?." He asks himself and opens his eyes to see the bright red of the carpet that looks like a puddle of blood. Is this Tyler’s blood? Or maybe Josh’s? It's dripping off his hands, as a reminder of all the lives he helped ruin and all the pain he has caused. " I don't want to do this anymore" he's tired and feels empty, kneeling on the carpet in front of Him.

“Are you alright, son?” the voice pulls Tyler out of his head and forces him to turn around. A priest is standing behind him, wearing a concerned expression. Tyler nods, wiping the remaining tears from his face. “ Do you want to talk about whatever’s bothering you? “

“No, thank you” Tyler says and stands back up, feeling slightly ashamed of the episode of weakness” I was just … praying.” Duh he scolds himself and avoids the older man’s eyes that bore into him.

“ Are you sure? You seem to be in need of advice. “

“I… yes, I’m sure. I don’t think you can help with the kind of trouble I’m in anyway” Tyler says and moves away from the altar and Jesus who looks down at him with eyes full of compassion.

“ Maybe I can’t, but Lord Jesus Christ can. He can heal every wound, mend anything that’s been broken and forgive the unforgiven. All you have to do is let Him into your heart and listen to His voice of guidance.”

“What If He doesn’t want to speak to me?” Tyler asks quietly and feels the warm hand on his shoulder that squeezes him reassuringly.

“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. If you open your heart for the Lord and let His light in, you will no longer have to live in darkness. There will be no fear, only hope” the priest speaks softly, still holding Tyler’s slumped shoulder. It sounded too good to be true. Like all he had to do is ask and Josh will be safe and sound. He knew it didn’t work that way.

“I wish it was that simple” he speaks his thoughts out loud with a heavy sigh.

The old man watches Tyler for a long moment before saying “You should come to my service some time. I’m here every Sunday and Wednesday. You are very welcome to come join me in my prayer to Lord. “ the priest says warmly and Tyler smiles at him, nodding in appreciation.

“Thank you. I appreciate it”

The encounter is weird, leaving Tyler wondering what it meant. Is that priest the sign from God that he heard Tyler’s prayer? Was it a conscience? All the questions make his head hurt so he walks down the street and breathes cool air into his lungs. He has a 12 hour shift, so he takes a long walk down towards the hospital, taking the time to think and calm himself down. He takes his phone out and inspects the screen with a sinking heart. He has 4 missed calls from Simon and knowing how controlling the guy is , it makes everything inside of him quiver. He hopes he doesn’t bring Josh more pain with his behavior and it seems like the older man has been taking it all out on Tyler anyway. It’s better this way. He deserves it unlike Josh.

It starts raining by the time he arrives at the hospital, making his arrival all that much more pleasant. It’s warm and dry inside and Tyler heads straight for the resting room to make himself a coffee. He expects to find a few people scattered on the soft furniture here and there, but walks into something entirely different instead. The whole room is filled with people; doctors, nurses, staff. Everyone looks worried and the air is heavy in the small room. Tyler instantly feels his anxiety flare up, expecting the worse. He searches the crowd for one of the few people he trusts in the world.

Brendon makes his way out of the crowded couches and stands next to Tyler, inspecting his face with worry. Tyler has been avoiding his friend for days and the latter must worry that it’s because of Simon or something the older man has done to him.

“ Ty” Brendon’s voice is laced with concern when he walks the younger man towards the coffee machine where less people have gathered “ I have some bad news”

Tyler’s heart instantly jumps in his chest with fear and he grabs Brendon’s hand a bit too tightly in his and waits for the bad news.

“Dallon went missing”

“What???”

“Yeah. He had a morning shift today, but didn’t show up. His phone is off and his sister hasn’t seen him since this morning when he was going out to work. He never made it to the hospital though.”

Brendon’s dark eyes are serious and thoughtful and currently focused on Tyler’s face, probably trying to gauge what the other is thinking about.

“You think Simon is involved?” he asks with a quiet voice and Tyler nods. His stomach is twisting and turning with worry and nerves.

“We had an argument this morning” the younger man admits and tries not to drown in the guilt and regret that rise all the way to his throat. “I asked him to give me a proof that Josh is alive and he flipped. Fuck, what if he has Dallon too? What if he hurts him?” his voice is panicky now, breath coming out in short painful bursts. This is the worst timing to have panic attack, but his body is pushed too hard already and he just can’t calm down.

“It could be unrelated” Brendon states” A lot of things could’ve happened, so let’s not jump into conclusions” it does little to calm panting Tyler. He rubs his scruffy face and tired eyes that somewhat lost focus. And God he needs to focus right now.

“Spare me the optimistic bullshit” Tyler says with shaking voice, feeling the beginning of a headache creep into his brain. “ I’m going to kill that bastard” he says, making Brendon flinch and lose color slightly

“Don’t be an idiot. We need to be smart and going around killing people is definitely not smart. “

“I don’t care!!” Tyler all but screams, turning a couple of heads towards him” I’m sick of this. I can’t do this okay?” his chest contorts and the last word comes out all choked and breathy.

“Let’s take you to the bathroom” Brendon says, not even bothering to ask if Tyler wants to go. He simply grabs the younger man by the shoulders and walks him out of the crowded room leading him down the narrow corridors.

By the time they are at the bathroom Tyler can’t breathe at all. He stumbles towards the sinks and grabs onto one of them with clammy and sweaty hands. His entire body is covered in sweat as well and his ears ring so loud he can’t hear anything of what Brendon is saying to him.

Air Air air air Air air air airairairairairair is all his brain is capable to think about while his lungs struggle to fill with air.

“Breathe, Ty, come on” he hears Brendon through the roar in his ears and strains to do what he’s told, but his lungs are on fire.” Ty, you need to take a breath, you need to breathe” he feels his body slide down to the tiled floor and his vision blurs. All he hears is a defining roar in his ears and it drives him crazy.

“Tyler, please, just listen to me. I will count to three and you try and draw a breath” a wheezing sound leaves Tyler’s throat and he coughs, pain gripping his chest

“Try again Ty, you need to try again”

Tyler tries again. One.Two.Three. A small breath fills his lungs before they clamp down again. One.Two.Three. Another gulp of air is allowed in his lungs and Tyler grips at his neck with both hands, trying to urge it to work. He keeps counting and keeps taking small breaths while his lungs slowly work back to life.

“There you go. Just keep going, Ty, come on” Tyler opens his eyes and realizes that he’s kneeling on the ground slumped to one side, leaning on the bathroom’s wall. Brendon is right in front of him, relief written all over his face.

“You fucking scared me” his friend says and stands up, gathering a handful of paper towels, wetting them at the sink. “Are you feeling better?” Tyler nods, still struggling to take proper breath, but no longer suffocating. Brendon runs the cool mush of wet paper towels over the brunettes’s face which feels amazing.

“How did we get here?” Tyler’s asks after a couple of minutes of steady breathing.

“You had a panic attack in the common room, so I took you here. Are you feeling better? Can you breathe now?”

Confused, Tyler looks around and tries to remember the last hour that’s currently a complete blur. Then it all floods back. Dallon has disappeared and Josh could already be dead.

“I’m fine” he says and stretches his arm towards Brendon who grabs it and helps him up” We need to do something. We need to look for Dallon, we need to ..” Tyler shakes his head, trying to collect his thoughts.

“I already went to the shelter where Josh was last seen” Brendon says to Tyler’s surprise” I talked to some people there and found out that Josh left with someone one day and simply didn’t come back”

“With someone? With who?” Tyler suddenly feels a glimmer of hope sparking in the darkness.

“He wasn’t a resident of the shelter, but he definitely is a homeless man. A girl described him to me and I called Mark ( The Brave Rock) to ask if he knows the guy”

“And??” Tyler straightens up even further, ready to jump on the street and look for the guy.

“His name is Peter and he’s a drug addict. Mark said he knows where we can find him, but I don’t know if the guy will want to talk to us. He’s a druggie and kind of a sociopath.”

“Oh he’ll talk” Tyler says and goes for the door on shaky legs” Call Mark and tell him we want him to takes us to that Peter guy”

**

To Tyler’s disappointment Mark can’t take them anywhere until the next morning, because he isn’t in town. There’s a charity for poor and homeless people that Mark is running in different cities and today it has been in Denver. When Tyler asks if they can’t just go look for the guy, Brendon shakes his head.

“We can’t raise suspicion by going around asking random people about him. What if the word gets to Simon and the bastard decides to move Josh somewhere? Then what? We’ll probably never find him if that happens” and as much as Tyler hates to admit if, his friend is right. They can’t risk losing their only chance to find Josh, not when his life is at stake. God knows how sick he is at the moment or how much worse it’s going to get by the time they find him.

Desperation takes over Tyler for the rest of his shift and he barely has any energy left at all. Brendon tries to lift his spirits and get him to think about something else, but his efforts are fertile. Time drags slowly and Tyler counts the hours until the morning when they can finally do something. His shift ends at 10 pm and as much as he doesn’t want to leave, he knows he has to. Simon is probably still livid with him and the thought of going back to his house makes Tyler shiver with disgust and fear. If only he was brave enough to kill the scumbag… or kill himself, either would be better than seeing his ugly mug every day.

Exhausted and anxious, Tyler leaves the hospital, walking down the empty yard in quick steps. When he makes it through the gate, shoulders hunched and collar turned up against the cold wind, something catches his eye. He almost misses it in the darkness of the street, but it's there and it promises trouble.

A dark long SUV is parked near the entrance, the quiet engine still running while the driver waits for something. Or someone. Maybe on another day Tyler would walk past the vehicle, not sparing it a second glance, but now it screams trouble.

Hesitating, Tyler stops near the gate and that's when the headlights flash two times and a honk makes him jump slightly. He doesn't move and looks around to see if maybe the car is signaling to someone else but there isn't anyone. Slowly, Tyler walks towards the expensive car and stops at a safe distance away, waiting for someone to fucking tell him what's going on.

The passenger’s window rolls down and a shaved head pops up in Tyler's view.

" Boss wants me to take you on a walk. So hop in" the guy says in commanding voice and motions his head towards the backseat.

"Your boss?" Tyler asks in annoyed voice, already knowing the answer.

"Simon. And if you don't want to end up having a really awful night you'd better get inside. Boss doesn't like to wait"

From experience Tyler knows it's better to go along and not piss of an already pissed off Simon. So he takes the remaining two steps to the car and slides into the backseat. There's another man sitting on the other side of it holding something black in his hands. A blindfold.

"Turn around so I can put this on. If I see you trying to peek through it, I will knock you out. " Tyler turns around and closes his eyes, heart beating erratically in his chest. Why would they need to blindfold him? The possibility of seeing Josh makes his lungs seize with anticipation and fear. But why would Simon suddenly decide to let him see the boy? A hundred terrible possibilities run through his head in a matter of minute, so he decides to stop thinking about it and focus on finding a way to help Josh.

The ride is long and the car makes so many turns it makes Tyler believe that the driver is doing it on purpose in order to confuse him. And he's definitely succeeding, because by the time the car stops the nurse's head is spinning and he feels nauseous.

The car door next to him opens, forcing cold air inside that wakes him up a little. A firm hand grips him under the armpit and drags him out. Tyler struggles with the hold and tries to pull his hand away, making the man gripping his hand growl at him.

" Don't fucking struggle or I'll break your fucking hand" the guy snarls and grips Tyler even harder, causing him pain.

" And Simon will break your fucking neck you moron" Tyler bites back and keeps tugging at his hand that's probably bruised.

"He said I'm allowed to use force if you don't cooperate so don't hold your breath" the goon says and tugs Tyler's hand so hard it almost pops out. He grits his teeth and starts moving, afraid that his shoulder will dislocate if he keeps struggling. The air is freezing even though they’ve entered a building. It feels abandoned and vast, winds blowing from every direction as if all the windows and doors have been gutted out.

А noise catches Tyler’s attention and makes his heart sink. It sounds like a wheezing, followed by a painful fit of coughing . As they walk further inside, the noises grow louder and the nauseous feeling overtakes Tyler again with renewed intensity. Before he can ask where Simon is or why they brought him there, Tyler's blindfold is ripped off his face to reveal the most unbearable scene he has ever laid his eyes on.

He wishes he could die right there on the spot and not have to witness all of this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo yeah. Cliffhanger >:)
> 
> Like I said, the next chapter will be HEAVY. If you're sensitive to sexual/physical abuse you should probably skip it.  
> It's also going to be the lowest point in this fic, which means that things will start getting better from there, so don't hate me TOO much. 
> 
> Comments and feedback help me a lot while writing future chapters so if you drop a line or two you'd be helping me a lot. I honestly never know whether I did a good job or not and I constantly doubt myself, so it's good to hear some honest opinions.
> 
> Especially since epilepsy is ruining my brain big time I have no idea if i'm still good at writing or not


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is heavy and contains non-con elements, violence, suicidal thoughts and other suicidal tendencies. PLEASE skip it if you are bothered by sexual violence, mentions of self-harm, self-hatred and suicide. 
> 
> This fic has taken a very dark turn, but I promise things will get better ( not perfect for sure, but better)
> 
> So enjoy reading and please for the love of God leave feedback because my brain keeps trying to convince me that my writing is trash and I need different opinions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I should start with a HUGE ass apology. I'm so sorry for disappearing for months and months, but literally having seizures and being an active writer is just impossible :// I've been writing bits and pieces whenever I can put my mind together enough to write something coherent ( I'm still not sure it's coherent enough though) and this new chapter is the result of my efforts. I've been writing mostly at night, when my mind is a little bit more awake ( funny enough) and since I've been depressed a lot lately I guess it translates to my works too. So yea. I'm sorry for leaving you hanging like that and I promise I haven't abandoned this fic ( I never will I promise)
> 
> Okay now scroll down to the description for the the trigger warnings cause oh man are there many warnings * hides behind a palm tree*

“I thought you wanted a proof that your filthy street mutt is alive” Simon says with a mocking tone, savoring the shocked expression on Tyler’s face. He would try to hide how devastated he feels, not willing to give Simon the satisfaction if the scene in front of him wasn’t so heartbreaking.

Josh is sitting on the concrete floor, back pressed to the wall and arms hugging his frail body. His posture speaks of fear and defensiveness, like he’s scared someone is going to hurt him. Tyler allows himself to feel a small amount of relief from the fact that the boy is alive and seemingly in one peace. It’s very short-lived , after his eyes slide down from Josh’s bruised face to his nearly naked body and find more bruises, cuts and blood. The boy is shaking so hard his teeth are audibly clattering in the empty room and his breathing is extremely labored. Every breath comes out loud and scratchy while his lungs battle for air that comes with great difficulty. It’s obvious that Josh is very very ill.

“What do  you want from me?” Tyler turns to Simon who’s still smiling like it’s Christmas Eve. “ Why are you doing this? What do you want?”

Josh’s head moves from his folded arms when Tyler speaks, beautiful hazel eyes looking up in surprise and hope. He stares with pain-filled gaze, probably trying to discern hallucination from reality. A violent fit of coughing makes him close his eyes and fold in on himself, blood painting his pale skin crimson where droplets of it landed.

“I’m doing this for you, Tyler. I thought you’d want to see him. Is that how you repay me?” Simon asks, raising his voice which makes Josh flinch and bury his head in his arms further. Sensing the terror in the younger man Tyler tries to pull himself together and not give into Simon’s provocation.

“Is that why he’s all bruised, beaten and scared? You’re not just doing this to hurt me?” Tyler asks, voice shaking in unison with his hands

“My boys can be a bit rough sometimes, but I promise no permanent harm has been done. Well so far” Simon chuckles, followed by both of his goons who look very pleased with themselves.

“ You don’t have to hurt him, Simon. I will do anything you want anyway. Just … please let him go” Tyler is so close to tears he’s not sure he can contain them any longer. Josh is siting very still on the ground a few feet away from them, his head resting on his knees, his back pressed against the wall as if trying to sink through it.  His breathing is loud and sounds painful, air whistling through his lungs in a rapid pace.

“We both know what will happen If I let him go, Tyler. “ Simon shakes his head at the younger’s man naïve thought and smiles “ He’s safer here, where I can keep an eye on him. Besides, he has nowhere to go anyway. Who needs a homeless ill street mutt? “ that hurt Tyler more than anything he can remember. The young boy was so much more to him than some homeless kid he’s trying to save. He’s home to Tyler. A shelter from all the self-loathing and hatred that fills his bones . How could Simon turn it into a nightmare of its own?

“I will keep him. But I’m not selfish, Tyler. I am good .I can …. share” a wide grin once again spreads over Simon’s face that brings dread to the younger man’s heart. The way he says “share” rings alarms in Tyler’s brain, warning him that something bad will happen. “ That’s why I brought you. So you can have some quality time with your boyfriend. I bet you want that, huh? You want him to show you how good he is? Oh I bet you do, Tyler. Brian here says he’s quite skillful with his mouth” Tyler huffs out a lungful of air, feeling like someone just punched him in the gut with full force. The implication that these gorillas were making Josh do things, sexual things for them makes him want to tear their hearts right out if their chests while they’re still beating.

“Please, Simon… please, you don’t have to do this – “ his breath comes out in short huffs now, lungs stuck in the horror of the pictures his mind keeps drawing” I swear I’ll be good. I won’t step out of line, I promise. Just… just please don’t make me do this. Don’t make _him_ do this. “ he’s more than ready to fall down on his knees and beg if he has to. Any humiliation would be better than bringing Josh any more pain.

“Oh I’m not doing anything” Simon says and walks over to Josh who raises his head weakly to see who’s approaching him, fear lacing his eyes. “Josh wants to pleasure you. Don’t you, Josh?” he’s looking at the boy now, eyes cold and cruel.

To Tyler’s surprise Josh nods, briefly looking at the nurse with eyes that say “it’s okay” which of course is a total and utter lie. Nothing about this is okay. Not the way Simon hoists Josh up with enough force to make his shoulder snap loudly. Or how he can’t stand on his own feet and has to be dragged on the dusty concrete floor until his knees hit the ground right in front of Tyler. The pain that crosses Josh’s face every time he moves is everything but okay.

He kneels quietly in front of Tyler, head cast down, exposing the black and blue bruises covering his neck and shoulders. His collar bone sticks out so much, it looks like it could pierce his skin if he made a sudden move. It hurts, but Tyler keeps exploring Josh’s body in attempt to access the damage and make sure nothing’s broken or bleeding. The damage seems to be mostly bruising and cuts, but it’s hard to tell. The shirt that hags loosely on the boy’s skinny body could be hiding something more serious.

“Now why don’t you make yourself useful and suck your boyfriend’s cock?” Simon says, running his fingers through Josh’s curls and makes his entire body shudder.

A shudder on its own works up Tyler’s body as well, bringing nausea and a fit of desperation-filled anger.

“ Simon, I don’t want this” he forces his voice to sound firm, but it shakes so hard he’s probably not fooling anyone.

“Hmm are you sure?” Simon says with his eyebrow lifted “ I heard he’s quite good at it. Must’ve gathered plenty of experience doing blowjobs for food ” Even though Tyler couldn’t see Josh’s face clearly he didn’t miss the faint redness that appeared there. Something ugly and furious stirred In his chest. He knew that Simon was saying these things to cause him pain, to make him feel uneasy and angry but it still made him unbearably sad to think he might’ve been right.

“You don’t have to do this” Tyler said again, gritting his teeth so he won’t do something stupid like wrap his fingers around Simons throat and squeeze as hard as he can.

“Well that’s too bad” said Simon with fake disappointment and turned toward one of the goons who hovered near Josh, probably in case the boy misbehaved or did something foolish. “ I guess Bryan would love to have a go.”  As if on command, the big guy with the raven black hair and square jaw stepped forward and grabbed Josh by the hair so roughly it made him whimper.

“NO wait” Tyler jumped forward, grabbing the guy’s forearm on reflex. “ Wait, … I  - I – don’t do this, okay?” Josh has started shivering visibly now, his teeth clattering loudly. His hair was still in Bryan’s grip and it must be painful, but the boy kept quiet. He probably didn’t want to get either himself or Tyler In more trouble.

“So did you change your mind? “ Simon already knew the answer, his satisfied smirk re-appearing on his  hard face.

“Yes, okay … okay, just don’t hurt him. “ the big guy releases Josh with a huff of disappointment and steps back, but before he did, he kicked the kneeling boy hard in the back, sending him straight into Tyler’s feet. And God Josh felt so cold to the touch.

It’s so heart wrenching, feeling the shivering body press into his legs like a scared little animal afraid of being abused, that Tyler isn’t sure he will survive all of it, at least not with his heart intact.

Then Josh slowly moves, rising from his slumped up position until his face is resting against Tyler’s upper thigh. The boy looks up, still pressing his cheek to Tyler’s jeans and his lips curl into a pained, but happy smile.

“I’ve missed you so much, Ty” he whispers, tears glistening in his warm eyes. “It will be okay” Josh sooths with his raspy voice while his hands reach for Tyler’s belt. The older man instinctively flinches away, repulsed by the thought of letting Josh humiliate himself like this in front of the others. Bryan and Simon simultaneously smile, reminding Tyler of what will happen if he refuses to comply so he relaxes and lets Josh unbutton his jeans.

He’s not sure how can the younger man stay so calm when something so horrible is happening, especially after everything he’s been through. His hands shake, but his eyes are more tired than fearful. He must’ve been through worse; that thought crosses Tyler’s mind and makes him feel a painful pang of sadness deep in his chest.

The whole ordeal that follows is as agonizing as Tyler has imagined it. Simon doesn’t hold back on insults and remarks to make things worse and Josh does everything he’s being told to do without complaining. Even though Tyler’s in the receiving end of the blowjob there’s nothing pleasurable about it – he’s cold, miserable and can’t even get hard properly. The only thing that keeps him grounded are Josh’s gentle hands on both of his thighs, rubbing his goosbumps-covered skin with slow movements. He’s trying to distance himself from the situation, go somewhere far away from the freezing cold room, somewhere warmer and safer. Like the first time he talked to Josh, heard his deep honey-like voice that soothed all of his worries away. The boy was scared and broken back then and for some reason Tyler felt the unbearable need to make things better for him.

A wave of regret washed over him. If only he stayed away…. If he just kept things professional like he was supposed to, Josh wouldn’t have to go through all of this hell right now. Tyler’s only intention was to help, but it ended up being a huge nightmare with no end in sight. Of course Simon would find out eventually and show up to ruin Tyler’s happiness. There was no escaping this man’s grip. He was literally everywhere.

Tears well up behind his closed eyelids, the bitter regret and sadness gripping his throat like a vice. He knew that once he stepped out of this place, he would never forgive himself for what happened. For putting Josh in harm’s way out of selfishness and sheer loneliness. If he had the strength to stay away from the fragile boy he wouldn’t be on his knees right now, doing things out of fear of further pain.

The tears finally escape Tyler’s eyes when he reaches the unwanted climax that feels raw and painful and _disgusting._ Josh stays quiet and still, letting the older man spill in his mouth without a sign of gagging. Another thought of how many times Josh has done this in order to be so calm about it crosses Tyler’s mind and makes his agony even worse. He doesn’t open his eyes even when the warmth around his length disappears, replaced by icy cold air. He refuses to look at Simon’s face and see the triumphant look on it; or God forbid look down on the broken boy kneeling in his feet and see the shattered hope in his warm eyes. Those eyes. They are the only real home Tyler has ever known. The only place where he can hide from the world and feel safe and warm. Those mocha colored eyes that are probably filled with unspoken terror and unfulfilled dreams. Tyler can’t look there, he just physically can’t.

He’s so numb he barely registers Simon’s hand on the small of his back, barely hears the words whispered in his ear “ _Your boy would make a good whore, wouldn’t he_ ”, barely sees anything but the small figure on the ground, being dragged back into a corner and have a chain put on his neck.

“Maybe next time I will let you fuck him” Simon muses and wraps his hand tighter around Tyler’s waist “But right now I want to fuck you. This whole thing was too goddamn hot” he whispers in the younger man’s ear and snickers.

It’s all too much for Tyler who’s brain has obviously decided to do damage control and simply stop functioning. He can’t muster an answer, can’t say anything or do anything besides let the tears pour down his cheeks and the pain burn his chest. One last glance at Josh is enough to shatter him completely; the boy is crying too, face buried in both hands, shoulders shaking from the sobs. There’s nothing worse than this, Tyler decides. Simon has always known how to break him and now he did it again.

His mind is reeling with things he wants to do – run to Josh and hold him, until someone tears his limbs apart; kill the fucking son a of  bitch who did this to both of them, squeeze his neck until it pops; run away and forget this ever happened. But he can’t.  Instead, he lets Simon walk him out of the building and back to the car. He lets the man put a blindfold on him once again, doesn’t protest when he puts one hand around his shoulders and kisses him on the mouth. He’s numb. Dead. He’s absolutely dead inside.

They drive to Simon’s house and go straight for the bedroom. Tyler doesn’t care.

He wants to hurt, wants to feel physical pain to dull the one that burns his insides, so he lets Simon hurt him. Welcomes it. Drowns in it. And oh Simon delivers it, he gives Tyler enough pain to make him forget how fucking destroyed he feels inside.

When they are done and Simon turns around to sleep, it’s suddenly too quiet, too sharp. He’s aching, but it’s not enough. It’s not enough.

He considers calling Brendon, the only person in the world he could tell about what happened, but dismisses that thought quickly. He’d never let Tyler hurt himself and that’s the only thing he really wants right now.

Making sure Simon is asleep, Tyler quietly slips out of the bedroom and wonders down the hall. His feet carry him to the huge living room which is left a mess. Bottles of alcohol are scattered all over the floor and Tyler goes straight for the leftover whiskey next to the small glass table. He uncaps it with shaking fingers and takes three big gulps that make his throat burn like fire. Good. He wants to burn.

Taking another swing he looks around and his eyes land on something scattered on the small table. White powder, most likely cocaine, Simon’s favorite.

The whiskey bottle falls from Tyler’s grip when he clumsily fumbles up to his knees and positions himself above the scattered drugs. Everything is spinning, he can’t focus or keep his balance and his hands slip on the glassy surface. He lands almost face first into the white powder and a small giggle escapes his throat. Deciding he doesn’t care how much he sniffs, he simply plugs on of his nostrils with a finger and takes a sharp deep breath in.

His nose and throat literally _burn._ Coughing, Tyler recovers enough to do it again, this time with the other nostril because the one he used hurt like fucking hell. This time his _brain_ burns. It fries, lighting up his entire body like a Christmas tree. His heart is going wild in his chest and Tyler knows that he’s taken too much, but doesn’t care. If he has a heart attack, he wouldn’t mind.

After his head and throat, his stomach starts burning like he just swallowed acid. The need to throw up jolts him on all fours and he crawls mindlessly to find the bathroom. He grabs the bottle of whiskey for good measure and drags himself down the hallway, uncaring where he’ll end up. Miraculously he stumbles into the bathroom and starts coughing on the white tiles, noticing droplets of blood underneath him.

It doesn’t hurt enough. The fire inside of him spreads all over his skin, burns the tips of his fingers and toes. He can’t feel his face or his hands, but the pain in his chest is still searing, still reminding him how fucking terrible he is.

Tyler throws up and it burns even worse on its way out. He coughs. And coughs. And coughs.

The whiskey bottle slips from between his numb fingers and shatters on the floor beneath him. The glass is sharp and Tyler squeezes it in his hands, desperate to _feel._ But he doesn’t and that makes him angry.

His hands are slippery, covered in dark blood when Tyler lifts them to his throat and jabs a shred of glass into his flesh. Now this sends a jolt of sharp pain and Tyler smiles and pushes it further inside.

He’d probably push the whole damn thing into his neck if his hands weren’t so numb and slippery. His breathing gets heavier and harder, but his heart races in his chest like a wild animal trapped in a cage. He’s definitely going to have a heart attack.

All of a sudden the tile floor is very close to his face and everything around him looks weird. He can hear voices, some of them familiar and others not so much. His mother is asking him to come home. His father telling him he’ll teach him how to play guitar when he grows up a little more. His sister’s voice is there too, telling him he’ll find his way back eventually, that he’ll always have her. And then it’s Josh and his velvet voice that thunders like a warm summer storm. He’s asking Tyler with a shy and uncertain voice “ _We-we’re friends_? “

 “ _Yeah, I guess we are_ “

Raising money for Josh so he could stay at the hospital. Seeking his disabled homeless friend in the middle of the night. Going to his funeral. Inviting Josh to live with him. All of those things flash in his mind, and would probably hurt as hell if he wasn’t so far gone.

But finally nothing hurts anymore. He’s bleeding out and it feels perfect. Josh will probably die soon too, so they will be reunited again.  He’s tried to kill himself before, even before Simon, but he never thought it would actually feel so _right._ No pain, no fear. Just peace. It’s probably all the cocaine he inhaled, but that doesn’t matter. Hopefully he won’t survive this one. Hopefully nobody finds him.

He’ll finally die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay is everyone dead? Yes ? Okay then. 
> 
> I am dead inside too. Welcome to the club. Josh deserves better and so does Tyler. And like I said in the beginning things won't ALWAYS be this bad. So better things are yet to come :) 
> 
> Buuuut not until they suffer some more :))
> 
> Comments make me happy. They are also giving me a reason to live, so there's that too.   
> Next chapter will contain Josh's POV ( finally )

**Author's Note:**

> This was such a mess i have no idea what I've been thinking while writing it. If you have an opinion about it - let me know, no matter if it's positive or negative.
> 
> I wrote this while staying at the hospital.  
> I was diagnosed with Epilepsy a few days ago and my brain came up with this. Oh well.


End file.
